Why do women lose their special interests?

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seaweed
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19 Jul 2017, 3:40 pm

Marknis wrote:
seaweed wrote:
Marknis wrote:
seaweed wrote:
your sample size is...two women?
haha.

but i think most people at least shift in special interests over time. i know i do.
also, you don't have to have perfectly aligned interests with someone to be friends with them. and with things like anime and comics, i think it can be hard for a dabbler (such as myself) to tell someone who is really into anime that i like anime, since i've barely scratched the surface. is it possible that she never specified whether anime was a special interest or just an interest?

i'm also wondering if you get out to any punk/metal shows? because even in the most religiously strict areas of the US there are active subcultures. i just can't help but wonder if your outlook is clouded by your idea of what it's like rather than seeing small realities underneath a surface level perspective. and i realize going to shows can be uncomfortable so it's not like i'm berating you if you're not getting out. just asking if you really know what you're talking about when you make such general claims about living in the bible belt.


I wasn't proposing a sample. Those two incidents just really stuck out to me out of them all. It's happened other times.

They told me straight out they used to be passionate about it. One even used to draw it so it was more than just a simple interest in it.

I do indeed go out to punk/metal shows but not all the time because the distance to them is sometimes too far (Sometimes three or more hours away) and I hate going very long distances alone, especially if my car got messed up which it has a number of times. When your spark plugs blow or your alternator goes out on a Texas road at night, it's f*****g terrifying. The furthest place I am willing to drive to alone is Austin because it's not dreadfully far from where I live (An hour away) and I can make it home easily. At those shows, I am generally treated indifferently and I only get approached if they think I have weed or some other sort of drug; they'll brush me off when I tell them I don't. In my city, no punk or metal bands of any sort come around. There's just no interest from the general population. The musical palette here is mostly country and rap music but especially country. If I go somewhere where people socialize, all they want to do is talk about country music as well as football. We don't have any independent CD stores and the big chains only sell that's popular. Even my guitar teacher tells me there is no real music scene here and he has to play out of town. Two of my co-workers who are in bands tell me the same. I've lived here all my damn life (Almost 29 f*****g years) so I know damn well what I am talking about. Why do you think I am so critical of the damn culture? I've lived it! I can't tell you how many times I've been told "Yew like dat screamin' s**t?" or "Dat's devuhl's mewsick!" when I mention my music tastes.


so women losing their special interests is a trend you've noticed in most of the autistic women you know?
do they gain other special interests or do they just become vaguely interested in fashion and homemaking and christian men?

i stand by my assertion that having varying types & degrees of interests doesn't make two people incompatible. it can only make it more difficult to interact at first because there isn't as much clearly technical to talk about. and i also stand by my assertion that asking why women specifically lose their special interests is a sh***y question.

but it does really suck that your type of music isn't easily available around your specific area. and if you aren't able to move elsewhere/travel i can imagine that feels pretty constricting. but what DO you want? a feminine female likeness of yourself? i'm confused about the point.


I didn't have just autistic women in mind. The one who used to draw wasn't on the spectrum and the others besides the one my aunt introduced me to were not either. The autistic women I know are very varied. One is such a strong Christian that she thinks atheism is bad and didn't like John Lennon for supposedly being one (I don't know if he was or not). Another is a Christian and her parents won't let her have male friends or even date despite being 30. I used to know one who was into Wicca and gothic things but I lost contact with her because she and her boyfriend kept falling on hard times. Another one liked anime as well as manga and did drawings but I wasn't allowed to hang out with her outside our support group events because I was an adult and she was a minor; I lost contact with her as well. I knew one who wasn't very social and decided to become an internet hermit. My first and only real girlfriend had Aspergers and she liked some of the same things I did but not very indepthly (Not a knock on her). A girl I used to hang out with considered Pokemon as well as hentai to be her "passions" but one day did a complete 180 and said she hated everything she used to like out of nowhere.

I never said I couldn't be friends with someone who didn't share every single one of my interests. That is a bad assumption you've made about me. Just one or two is good enough. If there are no common interests at all, the conversation tends to die. I'll wrack my brain to try to come up with something but then the other person will be looking away and soon move on.

You're damn right it sucks. I hate having to wait for months to see a band I like (Sometimes the wait will be in vain because the band might play too late or they'll only play at a city that's too far away) and I have nowhere cool to hang out after a crappy day at work. I usually just go home because I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't want a female clone of myself. I just want someone to have atleast one or two of the same special interests. I also feel like the only way I'll ever have another girlfriend is through a good friendship because cold approaching, internet dating, and speed dating do not work for me.


after reading your response i realize i was too antagonistic and i apologize for assuming you were not thinking about women as full people. i think i got that impression from how you posed your question, like women "losing" their special interests as opposed to women "changing" their special interests. that and the way you talk about women in the bible belt being shallow. but it's good to hear that you don't actually harbor such resentments.

i definitely understand how hard it can be to make connections with people without the aid of special interests, but i've also found out that at least in NT land even people who share those interests with me don't respond to info dumping past a point. in my mind pouring information onto someone who shares my special interest makes complete sense if i want to be friends with them, but that has actually only worked with a few people who are in all likeliness on the spectrum themselves and poured information on me right back.

maybe thinking about some different ways to approach connections with people would be beneficial, like instead of wracking your brain to come up with more things to talk about, ask her what she's been getting into lately. i think asking open questions can help with creating more space to converse in.



seaweed
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19 Jul 2017, 3:46 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I bet you're into bioluminescence, Seaweed!

That's so cool.

The deep sea is probably about as well known as the moon.

there's more incentive to explore up into space than down into our own planet.
bioluminescence is a biocommonality that is really still just starting to gain widespread recognition. damn submersible lights :pr:



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19 Jul 2017, 4:00 pm

I'm very sorry you can't find anyone who likes your music and what you like. My special interest are fashion, reptiles (mainly pythons and rosy boas), home decor, Vocaloid, the Victorian era and cold cases.

I live in rural New Hampshire and it is very hard to meet people, namely other women who enjoy what I enjoy.


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seaweed
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19 Jul 2017, 4:23 pm

^i used to live in rural new hampshire! i live in the midwest corn plains now and there are more options for meeting people here but i miss mountains and substantial snow and home tapped maple syrup :)



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19 Jul 2017, 4:40 pm

seaweed wrote:
^i used to live in rural new hampshire! i live in the midwest corn plains now and there are more options for meeting people here but i miss mountains and substantial snow and home tapped maple syrup :)


Whoa! NH is the best place to be! :)


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19 Jul 2017, 4:52 pm

xxZeromancerlovexx wrote:
seaweed wrote:
^i used to live in rural new hampshire! i live in the midwest corn plains now and there are more options for meeting people here but i miss mountains and substantial snow and home tapped maple syrup :)


Whoa! NH is the best place to be! :)

Wouldn't it be funny if we went to the same schools and everything 8O


i'd like to move back there at some point if i can figure out a practical reason to live there haha.

i pm'd location specifics :D



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20 Jul 2017, 9:04 am

seaweed wrote:
Marknis wrote:
seaweed wrote:
Marknis wrote:
seaweed wrote:
your sample size is...two women?
haha.

but i think most people at least shift in special interests over time. i know i do.
also, you don't have to have perfectly aligned interests with someone to be friends with them. and with things like anime and comics, i think it can be hard for a dabbler (such as myself) to tell someone who is really into anime that i like anime, since i've barely scratched the surface. is it possible that she never specified whether anime was a special interest or just an interest?

i'm also wondering if you get out to any punk/metal shows? because even in the most religiously strict areas of the US there are active subcultures. i just can't help but wonder if your outlook is clouded by your idea of what it's like rather than seeing small realities underneath a surface level perspective. and i realize going to shows can be uncomfortable so it's not like i'm berating you if you're not getting out. just asking if you really know what you're talking about when you make such general claims about living in the bible belt.


I wasn't proposing a sample. Those two incidents just really stuck out to me out of them all. It's happened other times.

They told me straight out they used to be passionate about it. One even used to draw it so it was more than just a simple interest in it.

I do indeed go out to punk/metal shows but not all the time because the distance to them is sometimes too far (Sometimes three or more hours away) and I hate going very long distances alone, especially if my car got messed up which it has a number of times. When your spark plugs blow or your alternator goes out on a Texas road at night, it's f*****g terrifying. The furthest place I am willing to drive to alone is Austin because it's not dreadfully far from where I live (An hour away) and I can make it home easily. At those shows, I am generally treated indifferently and I only get approached if they think I have weed or some other sort of drug; they'll brush me off when I tell them I don't. In my city, no punk or metal bands of any sort come around. There's just no interest from the general population. The musical palette here is mostly country and rap music but especially country. If I go somewhere where people socialize, all they want to do is talk about country music as well as football. We don't have any independent CD stores and the big chains only sell that's popular. Even my guitar teacher tells me there is no real music scene here and he has to play out of town. Two of my co-workers who are in bands tell me the same. I've lived here all my damn life (Almost 29 f*****g years) so I know damn well what I am talking about. Why do you think I am so critical of the damn culture? I've lived it! I can't tell you how many times I've been told "Yew like dat screamin' s**t?" or "Dat's devuhl's mewsick!" when I mention my music tastes.


so women losing their special interests is a trend you've noticed in most of the autistic women you know?
do they gain other special interests or do they just become vaguely interested in fashion and homemaking and christian men?

i stand by my assertion that having varying types & degrees of interests doesn't make two people incompatible. it can only make it more difficult to interact at first because there isn't as much clearly technical to talk about. and i also stand by my assertion that asking why women specifically lose their special interests is a sh***y question.

but it does really suck that your type of music isn't easily available around your specific area. and if you aren't able to move elsewhere/travel i can imagine that feels pretty constricting. but what DO you want? a feminine female likeness of yourself? i'm confused about the point.


I didn't have just autistic women in mind. The one who used to draw wasn't on the spectrum and the others besides the one my aunt introduced me to were not either. The autistic women I know are very varied. One is such a strong Christian that she thinks atheism is bad and didn't like John Lennon for supposedly being one (I don't know if he was or not). Another is a Christian and her parents won't let her have male friends or even date despite being 30. I used to know one who was into Wicca and gothic things but I lost contact with her because she and her boyfriend kept falling on hard times. Another one liked anime as well as manga and did drawings but I wasn't allowed to hang out with her outside our support group events because I was an adult and she was a minor; I lost contact with her as well. I knew one who wasn't very social and decided to become an internet hermit. My first and only real girlfriend had Aspergers and she liked some of the same things I did but not very indepthly (Not a knock on her). A girl I used to hang out with considered Pokemon as well as hentai to be her "passions" but one day did a complete 180 and said she hated everything she used to like out of nowhere.

I never said I couldn't be friends with someone who didn't share every single one of my interests. That is a bad assumption you've made about me. Just one or two is good enough. If there are no common interests at all, the conversation tends to die. I'll wrack my brain to try to come up with something but then the other person will be looking away and soon move on.

You're damn right it sucks. I hate having to wait for months to see a band I like (Sometimes the wait will be in vain because the band might play too late or they'll only play at a city that's too far away) and I have nowhere cool to hang out after a crappy day at work. I usually just go home because I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't want a female clone of myself. I just want someone to have atleast one or two of the same special interests. I also feel like the only way I'll ever have another girlfriend is through a good friendship because cold approaching, internet dating, and speed dating do not work for me.


after reading your response i realize i was too antagonistic and i apologize for assuming you were not thinking about women as full people. i think i got that impression from how you posed your question, like women "losing" their special interests as opposed to women "changing" their special interests. that and the way you talk about women in the bible belt being shallow. but it's good to hear that you don't actually harbor such resentments.

i definitely understand how hard it can be to make connections with people without the aid of special interests, but i've also found out that at least in NT land even people who share those interests with me don't respond to info dumping past a point. in my mind pouring information onto someone who shares my special interest makes complete sense if i want to be friends with them, but that has actually only worked with a few people who are in all likeliness on the spectrum themselves and poured information on me right back.

maybe thinking about some different ways to approach connections with people would be beneficial, like instead of wracking your brain to come up with more things to talk about, ask her what she's been getting into lately. i think asking open questions can help with creating more space to converse in.


I accept your apology. Trust me, I do not feel like women are subhuman at all. In fact, I was given flack by other guys for not seeing women as sex toys (They used a different term but it's too disgusting to type out) and my older brother ridiculed me for wanting a nerdy or geeky girlfriend (Still do). He's left me alone about that recently but he told me he thinks his wife's interests are "ret*d". I'll have to respond to the rest of your message later because I am short on time at the moment.

xxZeromancerlovexx wrote:
I'm very sorry you can't find anyone who likes your music and what you like. My special interest are fashion, reptiles (mainly pythons and rosy boas), home decor, Vocaloid, the Victorian era and cold cases.

I live in rural New Hampshire and it is very hard to meet people, namely other women who enjoy what I enjoy.


It's like needing a cure for some sort of sickness but you can't get it so you go back to bed and wake up the next day still suffering.



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20 Jul 2017, 9:12 am

Marknis wrote:
I accept your apology. Trust me, I do not feel like women are subhuman at all. In fact, I was given flack by other guys for not seeing women as sex toys (They used a different term but it's too disgusting to type out) and my older brother ridiculed me for wanting a nerdy or geeky girlfriend (Still do). He's left me alone about that recently but he told me he thinks his wife's interests are "ret*d".

was it fuckmeat?? lol. i love how disgustingly degrading that term is.
your brother sounds like kinda an as*hole
Marknis wrote:
I'll have to respond to the rest of your message later because I am short on time at the moment.

np :)



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21 Jul 2017, 3:49 pm

seaweed wrote:
was it fuckmeat?? lol. i love how disgustingly degrading that term is.
your brother sounds like kinda an as*hole


They never used that as far as I can recall. It was more like "cum dumpster". Oddly, they would say they hated "kaweers" but would pinch my nipples through my shirt, grab my junk, and some even dry humped me.

My brother isn't as bad as he used to be but his view of women I still think is pretty low. On Mother's Day, he told me to get a gift with a flowery message because "Women like that sort of writing". He's also told me that all women are secretly "dirty filthy sluts who want it" when they get drunk. He also used to pressure me into dating the aspie girl who has overprotective parents who won't let her date because she's a "good Christian girl" despite how he wasn't dating "good Christian girls" himself. He also said another girl would "pet my fella" and another would get my "peepee rubbed". Real mature, huh? :roll: It still makes me mad that guys like that seem to be the ones getting the girls, especially in this culture, while what I've tried doesn't get me anywhere. I am almost 29 and I feel like because I missed out in my developmental years that I am doomed to singlehood for the rest of my life unless I commit suicide.

I try to avoid info dumping because it got to where it would wear me out and I learned the hard way that not everyone tolerates it. I agree that you don't need to have 100% in common to be friends but it would be helpful to have atleast one or two common interests.

My therapist does tell me to not make the conversation only about me.



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21 Jul 2017, 4:43 pm

These people are sleazebags. I visited a tennis forum where there were a lot of these disgusting individuals who talked about what they would do to certain players in the most degrading terms. I have stopped visiting that site altogether. It turned into a Rafael Nadal hate site and one of degrading filth.



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21 Jul 2017, 7:30 pm

IstominFan wrote:
These people are sleazebags. I visited a tennis forum where there were a lot of these disgusting individuals who talked about what they would do to certain players in the most degrading terms. I have stopped visiting that site altogether. It turned into a Rafael Nadal hate site and one of degrading filth.


I always found "locker room talk" disgusting. My stepdad justifies Trump's "grab 'em by the p****" as locker room talk and claimed women will say "grab 'em by the balls". Really, how does he know that? :?

I also can't stand the phrase "man cave". It conjures up images of sweat and sperm for some reason. Ironically, the ones who say it are usually homophobic and the phrase itself sounds like the title of a gay porno! :lol:



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23 Jul 2017, 2:59 pm

That's disgusting! Why, in this day and age do people still talk like that? It's ridiculous.

Marknis, I have a question. Where you live is it socially unacceptable for women to play video games? Just curious because I love video games.

By the way, I'm originally from part of The Bible Belt (North Carolina) and I'm so glad my Mom, sibling and myself left. I didn't fit in there and finding friends let alone friends on the spectrum was impossible.

I'm serious though, that phrase is horrific!


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23 Jul 2017, 4:14 pm

xxZeromancerlovexx wrote:
That's disgusting! Why, in this day and age do people still talk like that? It's ridiculous.

Marknis, I have a question. Where you live is it socially unacceptable for women to play video games? Just curious because I love video games.

By the way, I'm originally from part of The Bible Belt (North Carolina) and I'm so glad my Mom, sibling and myself left. I didn't fit in there and finding friends let alone friends on the spectrum was impossible.

I'm serious though, that phrase is horrific!


Your guess is as good as mine but it is indeed disgusting.

Yes and no. Depending on the circle, it's either ok as long as it's something like The Sims and cellphone games; a subgroup would be ones who like violent games but they get labeled as "freaks" outside their circle or it's completely unacceptable. I know that the women my mother associates with never talk about video games unless it's in regard to their children's interests and they think all video games are FPS games. But in general, video games are seen as a male interest here and depending on the audience, it's either "cool" or "nerdy". Jocks and thugs love FPS games because they feed into the "bro" mentality and those are the "cool" games but if someone likes RPG games he is a "nerd" who is also a virgin and showers only once a week.

Sadly, with a few exceptions, women in the Bible Belt tend to not care for video games. I think the root of it is gender roles and expectations. Women are expected to be silent and subservient while men are expected to be loud and to take lead. I think gender roles need to be thrown in the trash and people should be viewed as individuals.

BTW, on another forum I used to post on, there were a lot of men who loved video games and comics but hated nerdy or geeky girls. :? Some of them also had this idea the Bible Belt is some sort of utopia where women bow down and perform oral sex to men on command. WTF?!? :lol: The harsh truth (for them) is that even the most subservient Bible Belt woman would not go near them, especially if they knew their hobbies, and because they don't have a pretty boy or macho look and don't have a six figure income (A lot of them say they are out of shape or overweight and are lacking in money), they don't qualify in their eyes.

Good to know it's not just me who can see the horrorifying reality of this place.

I can't even say it seriously. It's so gross and dumb sounding!



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23 Jul 2017, 4:30 pm

Marknis wrote:
xxZeromancerlovexx wrote:
That's disgusting! Why, in this day and age do people still talk like that? It's ridiculous.

Marknis, I have a question. Where you live is it socially unacceptable for women to play video games? Just curious because I love video games.

By the way, I'm originally from part of The Bible Belt (North Carolina) and I'm so glad my Mom, sibling and myself left. I didn't fit in there and finding friends let alone friends on the spectrum was impossible.

I'm serious though, that phrase is horrific!


Your guess is as good as mine but it is indeed disgusting.

Yes and no. Depending on the circle, it's either ok as long as it's something like The Sims and cellphone games; a subgroup would be ones who like violent games but they get labeled as "freaks" outside their circle or it's completely unacceptable. I know that the women my mother associates with never talk about video games unless it's in regard to their children's interests and they think all video games are FPS games. But in general, video games are seen as a male interest here and depending on the audience, it's either "cool" or "nerdy". Jocks and thugs love FPS games because they feed into the "bro" mentality and those are the "cool" games but if someone likes RPG games he is a "nerd" who is also a virgin and showers only once a week.

Sadly, with a few exceptions, women in the Bible Belt tend to not care for video games. I think the root of it is gender roles and expectations. Women are expected to be silent and subservient while men are expected to be loud and to take lead. I think gender roles need to be thrown in the trash and people should be viewed as individuals.

BTW, on another forum I used to post on, there were a lot of men who loved video games and comics but hated nerdy or geeky girls. :? Some of them also had this idea the Bible Belt is some sort of utopia where women bow down and perform oral sex to men on command. WTF?!? :lol: The harsh truth (for them) is that even the most subservient Bible Belt woman would not go near them, especially if they knew their hobbies, and because they don't have a pretty boy or macho look and don't have a six figure income (A lot of them say they are out of shape or overweight and are lacking in money), they don't qualify in their eyes.

Good to know it's not just me who can see the horrorifying reality of this place.

I can't even say it seriously. It's so gross and dumb sounding!


I'm a woman who loves RPG games (Disgaea and Phantasy Star are my favorite ones) and I jog and shower a lot (it's hard not to if you jog). That being said, gender roles are horrific. I also love Heroes of Might and Magic and play as the Inferno or Necropolis faction and if I played it in public people would probably think I'm satanic which I'm not but I'm also not a bible-addict.

Marknis, you a very cool person. I wish I could meet friends like you outside of the internet. I understand how lonely it must be not to have people you have stuff in common with. When I lived in the bible belt it felt like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. Now that I moved on from there I'm finally awake.


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23 Jul 2017, 5:46 pm

xxZeromancerlovexx wrote:
Marknis wrote:

I'm a woman who loves RPG games (Disgaea and Phantasy Star are my favorite ones) and I jog and shower a lot (it's hard not to if you jog). That being said, gender roles are horrific. I also love Heroes of Might and Magic and play as the Inferno or Necropolis faction and if I played it in public people would probably think I'm satanic which I'm not but I'm also not a bible-addict.

Marknis, you a very cool person. I wish I could meet friends like you outside of the internet. I understand how lonely it must be not to have people you have stuff in common with. When I lived in the bible belt it felt like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. Now that I moved on from there I'm finally awake.


I haven't played Disgaea in a long time but thank you for the reminder about it! How often do you play the games and which one is your favorite? How far can you get in them, by the way? I usually just get the good ending and do some post game stuff but I've never got everything 100% done because the amount of things to do induces analysis paralysis.

Don't worry, I wouldn't make that assumption about you. It's just the jocks and thugs who think that. I don't play Heroes of Might or Magic but I understand getting the devil worshipper accusation because I like metal and punk and it's stereotypically considered "devuhl's mewsick".

Thank you and I wish I could do the same as well!



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23 Jul 2017, 6:09 pm

Marknis wrote:
xxZeromancerlovexx wrote:
Marknis wrote:

I'm a woman who loves RPG games (Disgaea and Phantasy Star are my favorite ones) and I jog and shower a lot (it's hard not to if you jog). That being said, gender roles are horrific. I also love Heroes of Might and Magic and play as the Inferno or Necropolis faction and if I played it in public people would probably think I'm satanic which I'm not but I'm also not a bible-addict.

Marknis, you a very cool person. I wish I could meet friends like you outside of the internet. I understand how lonely it must be not to have people you have stuff in common with. When I lived in the bible belt it felt like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. Now that I moved on from there I'm finally awake.


I haven't played Disgaea in a long time but thank you for the reminder about it! How often do you play the games and which one is your favorite? How far can you get in them, by the way? I usually just get the good ending and do some post game stuff but I've never got everything 100% done because the amount of things to do induces analysis paralysis.

Don't worry, I wouldn't make that assumption about you. It's just the jocks and thugs who think that. I don't play Heroes of Might or Magic but I understand getting the devil worshipper accusation because I like metal and punk and it's stereotypically considered "devuhl's mewsick".

Thank you and I wish I could do the same as well!


Lately I've been very physically tired due to not sleeping great. I haven't played them for some time because I tend to jump from game to game (right now I'm trying to catch all the new Alola Pokemon in Pokemon Sun) I beat Disgaea Infinite for the PSP in one day but the game play was so freaking lacking compared to the ones for the PS3. It was more like a visual novel than an RPG :x

I've been into Disgaea since 2013 or 2014 my first game being Disgaea 4: A Promise Unforgotten. Flonne is so cute though. I want to cosplay as her and wish I could but sadly I can't drive due to seizures so going to Anime Boston is impossible at this point. :(

I'm not sure how far you can get in them yet. I haven't really beaten them except for Infinite because I'm a shopaholic with new releases and retro games. Why must new games come out right when I'm super focused on something I'm already playing? :cry:


_________________
“There’s a lesson that we learn
In the pages that we burn
It’s written in the ashes of the fire below”
-Down, The Birthday Massacre