Anyone Here Want Kids or Trying to Conceive?

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Mikassyna- Yea.. I know. My husband and I have talked about how much of a gamble it was, but the consensus was that if some miracle works out we'll be much better off for it. And, I'm getting a dual-bachelors in Cognitive Studies so if I get majority of my functioning back, then a back-up job could work out for working with other Autistics and those of Special Education groupings. I just don't think I could handle that job now, or once I have my degree.

Apparently, someone didn't read this part of the original post:



First month's deposit is gone until it's time to pay the last month (with no access to it before that). First month's rent is gone when you sign that lease. With nothing left after that (if that's all you've truly got in the bank), how will you live? That's not expecting anything to be "perfect," that's just the basic facts of life and the most basic economic principle.

It is completely obvious that there is no "perfect." Did anyone actually doubt that? But you can't be in utter poverty and expect that your finances will be hunky-dory just because you want them to. And if you're working on improving them, that's great! But wait to have that baby. NOT until everything is perfect (to repeat...again...since people like to read part of a post and ignore whatever's inconvenient), but until you can at least make it a few months without a baby.

Many, many families live in poverty. In fact, almost all of my students are impoverished...that's part of the reason they end up in my classes. They're high school students who have failed, and for most of them, it's because they stop going to school to get jobs to help support their parents and siblings. It's tragic.

If you cannot fully support your children, don't have them. Period.

Says one illogical person to the next.

Well, if you really are pregnant, good luck to you and yours. I wish you the best (truly).

Gretchyn: Thank you for the well-wishes.

As for amount, we have enough for a little more than first months, we could get in and get settled, but at the moment 1 month won't be enough to have enough money to pay for the next, so we're still saving up until we should be ok for moving. but it shouldn't be too long.

You may be saving, but how will you keep on affording the rent? What happens when savings run out?

Can you please say again what is wrong with your functioning? I assume something non-Asperger's related? I'm sorry I must have missed the thread where you talked about that.

My guess is Welfare/Public Assistance. I don't know if Shaybugz would qualify for Disability benefits but certainly would need food stamps, especially with a kid involved. I have worked since I was 13 years old and have only been on Short Term Disability through various employers, so I don't know what bureaucratic hoops one must go through to receive those types of benefits.

I don't know how many museums are in Shaybugz's area, or if they will need a car or how they will pay for gas, auto insurance, repairs, etc. That is a whole other matter, and it sounds more and more to me that financially they are going to be in for a very difficult struggle because I think there is extremely limited understanding of how expensive a child really is, and that an employer is probably not going to be hiring a visibly pregnant woman or new mom (who has no current employment experience) as it means they will not be reliable employees.

Shaybugz, please try to manage flying solo (being financially self-reliant in your own household with your husband) before you have a kid, just so you have a much more realistic perspective of costs, if you can do that.

She doesn't qualify for disability because there's nothing wrong with her/she doesn't have a diagnosis/her medical records state she's NT. She mentioned it in a post in another thread on this very site about how the judge didn't give her the time of day and threw her case out. I believe she diagnosed herself with the online quizzes/tests listed in her signature.

This girl (and I am choosing to call her a "girl" and not a "woman") very obviously does not have a grasp on what the real world is like once you are not living in a rent-free situation where one can get by with refusing to get a job. She does not know what it is like to have a child, either, and is very, VERY unprepared. She also seems to adamantly refuse to believe that any one of us could know better than she does, and she can get by in life with just hoping things fall in place instead of, you know, actually preparing. It's very sad. Very, very sad. Especially when she has so many other people trying their very best to reach out to her and help her, but she won't allow the help or the advice.

I am going to put it out there that by now, as a med student, you should have more than just a "faint line" to determine a pregnancy. It should be definite and undeniably dark. You would be in your seventh week now? Somewhere around there by your past posts. You haven't shared any pictures with us, but going by the last pictures and what you've been describing, I am choosing to not believe you are pregnant. I am choosing this because I sincerely hope (and I don't mean this to be mean) that you aren't so you can get yourself and your life together before subjecting another human being to abuse and poverty. I also want you to have time to have all of this click that the world isn't a game. It's not something you can just will to go your way. No one here is telling you that your life has to be perfect to have a child. No one's life is perfect. But we are telling you that YOU have to grow up and be responsible enough to mother a child, and it is painfully obvious that you simply are not.

Her profile says she has been diagnosed with Asperger's. Is that a misrepresentation? I mean, not that a diagnosis matters so much on here but it would be odd to lie about something like that.

I wish I could find the other thread (I will look for it), but she did say that she hasn't been diagnosed because she doesn't have medical care (because she doesn't have insurance). She took the online tests and diagnosed herself, from what I understand.

This is what I've found so far:

A thread talking about how a doctor ignored her "diagnosis" and said she is capable of working just fine:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp5146926 ... t=#5146926

This one about being "officially diagnosed" but having psychiatrists throw out her diagnosis:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp4649180 ... t=#4649180

This thread about how she doesn't want to work, despite doctors telling her that she is not an Aspie and she CAN work (she just doesn't want to work), and how she refuses basic mental health care because they too argue that she doesn't have Asperger's:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt197979.html

There are other posts that botch up when, exactly, she ever got a diagnosis. Some reference a few months, and then others, made within a month or so of the previous, say six months...it just doesn't add up, and I'm much too tired to comb through all of her posts.

I am thinking, though, that if many doctors are telling her that she doesn't have Asperger's, that she is perfectly capable of working (to which, she fully admitted she just doesn't want to work like adults have to do), and that a court wouldn't accept whatever diagnosis she brought to them...that it's not entirely legit.

Of course, we can all claim we might think we have this, that, or the other...and that's fine. But I'm not buying into the work sob story. She is obsessed with this need to have a child, and she doesn't want to accept the responsibility that comes with it, just as she doesn't want to accept the fact that adults have to work and sometimes do other things they don't want to do either...such as waiting for the things we want.

What I got out of her posts are she has been diagnosed twice and other doctors don't think she has it. That has happened to lot of people on the spectrum.

Funny thing is I do want to work so I do. I didn't know lot of people don't want to work but do because it's how they survive. Even people on disability want to work and are bummed out they can't. My husband was very upset when he lost his job due to his disability. It was for safety reasons because of his seizures. He even felt like a burden when he wasn't working. It sounds like to me she gets stressed out from work and can't handle it and she is trying hard.

Let me clear this up, since I have been here for a few years or something like that, and a lot has happened in that time.

When I first joined I was NOT properly diagnosed. I was working full time (and then some) in an office environment, and struggling very much. I had just heard about Autsim through reading Judi Picoult's House Rules, and was fascinated by how much it seemed to explain about my troubles, and about my life.

I did the online tests, and researched the heck out of Autism, and came to the conclusion that I must be autistic, a decision I shared with my husband, who supported me whole-heartedly and agreed to let me get a diagnosis professionally, as I was struggling with my job, and we thought with some accommodations and even time off, maybe I would be able to keep my job....

So I went to my first diagnosis (May 2011). The doctor was a neuro-psychologist and my insurance said he was the only person in 3 states that would see an adult for diagnosis. I walked in extremely nervous, having never been to a mental-helath doctor's before because my mom avoided them like the plague, and was surprised when the Doctor was affirmative, and understanding of things I felt hesitant to share. I did my best not to "act" autistic and tried to keep eye contact and all that. Within 30 minutes of talking to me, he said I would have to take the test, of course, but it was completely clear to him that I was autistic through the "musical tone" of my voice, bad modulation, and eye contact. 3 months later, I was officially handed my first diagnosis as having Asperger's Syndrome.

Unfortunately, 3 months was too long at work without accomodations which I wasn't allowed to have until I had the diagnosis. Further more, the doctor that diagnosed me and I was so comfortable with, was an inpatient rehabilitatior, and did not do counceling for outpatients at all. So I had to, once I got the diagnosis, seek out a new psychologist to help with accomodations and such, because work was very quickly spiraling out of control.

So I went to Dr. #2. This time a woman who told me she knew about adults on the spectrum, but spent most of our time together trying to get me diagnosed with something else (did not succeed as I failed all the assessments for what she gave me) and didn't really address Autism all that much, but did fill out the accomodation forms, and got me on FMLA, as well as a little extra break-time.

I continued to work for about a month, taking FMLA off as I was allowed to, until one day at the office there were about 18 people on our row that usually had 5-8 people that I knew well. I went home that night, had a complete shut-down, fell asleep, and didn't wake up until 4 hours into my next workshift.

(When I say "spiraled out of control" I was USUALLY able to keep myself together at work. But when I wasn't working, my life became increasingly nothing but sleeping. I wouldn't eat or anything, just pass out and wake up in time (or not) to get to my next work day. Survive that 5 days out of the week, and then crash terribly for the weekend which was over far too soon.)

Following that crash, I was not able to back to work the next day, and having only been given 3 days of FMLA time off a month, I called up my psychologist and asked if there was anything she could do. She said "I could try to put you on short term disability, but you'd have to pay me again." So... I told her we'd try that, scheduled an appointment, and called my boss to tell him that I would not be in, nad I was filing for short term disability. (end of September 2011).

I went to the appointment, and all the appointments required of me, until December of 2011. In that time, my psychologist asked me to see another doctor to support the short term disability, and so I went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist looked at my diagnosis papers, said I didn't have autism, and gave me depression and anxiety meds within 15 minutes of talking to me. When I came back saying no change, he upped the dosages. They never did any good, and I went off of them easily when...

(Side note, throughout the rest of September I spent most of my time in bed or sleeping, I could not go out of the house, and was easily sent into a meltdown or shut down and completely overwhelmed. My Ninny fell and shattered her hip in October, was diagnosed with lung cancer, and so, issues or not, I spent every moment I could in the hospital with her, with nurses and doctors and family, as she was given 2-6 weeks to live. Throughout her death, and the funeral stuff, I was constantly surrounded by people, but held myself together fairly well, considering. Once she was in the ground though, I returned home completely broken (she was one member of my family I was close to) and unable to do anything once more. I returned to my days of sleeping, of not socializing, and of trying to recouperate to get back to work.)

In December of 2011 my psychologist told me I had to go back to work. I was not ready to do so yet, just barely staying awake more than sleeping now, and having meltdowns still when going to WalMart for food and such, assisted by my husband. She said it's just too bad, I have to go back, and so I called my boss to talk to him. He told me if I couldn't handle it, because I worked in a legal-area, if I wanted to, he could fill out the paperwork to have me quit, send me my stuff, and I'd not have to come back ever again.

I was absolutely stressed about what to do. I knew I couldn't handle the work environment, but I couldn't very well quit work- hubby was still searching for a job after his last one had to make cuts. Still, I talked it over with hubby, who said he had a good job lead, and he knew I couldn't handle it, so I told my boss to fill out the paperwork, and thanked him for giving me that option. Of course, with losing my job, I lost my connection to medical services.

I spent the rest of December laying around, and trying to start keeping up with the apartment chores while hubby was at work. I began to cook for myself, and did about 1-3 chores a week, with a lot of continual rest. By January I was awake more hours than I was asleep, and still struggling with household stuff, so I decided, with time on my hands, to return to my love of reading, and read and review any book that caught my interest.

From January-May of 2012 my functioning showed great improvement, and I was reading and reviewing books on my blog by the day. I read 56 books by the time May rolled around. I even enrolled in school, hoping that if I can get a degree for a job I could handle, I could work some day again, and I was able to begin to keep up with most everyday chores. For the first time in 2 years, I felt like I was living again. And then... hubby lost his job because of downsizing based on senority- again. But without my working, and my site now bringing in only a random 25.00 here and there for ads, we had no way to stay in our apartment. So at ine June I went with my family (mom, dad, sister) to HAwaii because my dad is an airline mechanic and can do stuff like that, and in July we were kicked out of the apartment (though hubby now had the part-time job he has now, it was not enough to keep up in the apartment) and had to move in with my grandma's. Whose judgemental and refusal to accomodate to what I need has further regressed me back to a more-or-less non-functioning status.

In February 2012 I applied for disability, as I was starting to function, but knew I couldn't yet find work for myself. In the months between February and May, when I was denied, I saw 2 different state-psychologist, both of whom initially said I was not Autistic, and throughout the time they spent questioning me, said that I was indeed autistic, and would have "marked difficulties working". They sent me to Voc Rehab, who told me that I was not "functional enough for their program yet, but get some help, and come back, and we'll be glad to work with you". Despite all this, I was still denied disability, and had to go to appeal.

Appeal was in May of this year. I had a lawyer, who said I totally nailed the hearing with the judge. He said we'd be looking at a favorable outcome, and he's glad he could help. In June I got the letter saying denied again- because my testamony was not believable. I worked for an office environment, in the legal department, and one of the doctors that described my job wrote that I "worked for a legal law firm" and the judge saw this as evidence that I lied about my job, and disreguarded everything that I said at the hearing.

That more-or-less brings us to today. So there you have it. Diagnosed 3 times with autism. Denied disability, and why I'd complain about said denial, and struggling to stay functional in an un-ideal environment. I have never lied on here, and if you read through thuroughly, this account would be supported 100% in previous posts.

The recent post about "not being able to get a diagnosis" has to do with not getting a RECENT diagnosis, which will be needed for reapplying for disability. Since I no longer have health insurance.


Leaguegirl: Thank you for your support in seeming to understand all this. You said it pretty well for me. I DO want to work (why else would I take the gamble that is college) I just... can't right now. I truely believe, had I been allowed to stay in our own apartment, that I would be able to work today... but as it is, I can't. Too much stress, and too much socializing. So I do odd-jobs with babysitting to help when I can. And, no, today I am not able to keep up with my blog even. Though I have been doing pretty solid with my schoolwork, I've recently had to apply for accomodations there because it's getting to be too much for me too.

Ok people, the Shay over hot coal raking is going a little too far now.

Shay I'm really sorry to hear about your ordeals. I think it's terrible that you can't get a qualified doctor who can help you get what you need. I do also want to emphasize that a baby will not cure your symptoms, and that the (financial and emotional) stress, lack of sleep and hormonal fluctuations of motherhood might really render you incapable of parenting. My husband's best friend's wife is a textbook hypochondriac and she was barely able to care for her child and herself during and after her pregnancy. In her meltdowns she would go through a whole pack of sugar tests, pricking herself over and over again convinced she was turning diabetic, or had a brain tumor, or schizophrenia, or you name it. If you already have functioning or mental health troubles, chances are greater that they will worsen during pregnancy or after you have a baby. I also relapsed with my eating disorder after I gave birth and had to go to extensive outpatient counseling, taking off on short-term disability in order to get it back under control. You really must make sure you have stability before you get pregnant and have qualified mental health support afterward, otherwise everyone will suffer and motherhood will not be the dream you wanted it to be. I wish you and your family the best...