Women, Aspergers and Sex Drive

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Wanting to cuddle counts - and I meant sexual rejection specifically.

Sorry, I did not see this earlier, sometime I don't get notifications for unknown reasons.

Most guys - they think they are capable of much more than they actually are. It's like "Your eyes are bigger than your belly" in relation to food - only this time, in relation to women.

I’m still not sure I get it, but if cuddling, playing enthusiastically with every crevice of her body, kissing and tasting her from head to toe, letting her play with you to her heart’s content, and giving her as many orgasms as she wants with your tongue, fingers or whatever toy you can come up with, in addition to the times when you can actually have sex with her, is not enough, then I guess it does suck

And it sucks to me especially because of how enthralling it would otherwise be

I went through the majority of my life thinking I had a low sex drive. I don't like to watch porn, masturbating is pretty pointless for me, and I don't have any mental representation of a "sexy" guy. Unlike most NT girls, I don't look through magazines and oogle at half-naked men because I was just never turned on by that. For those reasons, I used to label myself as an asexual person. Then all of the sudden I just met the right person and we hit it off right away. I still don't get turned on by porn and I couldn't care less about looking at naked men or entertaining myself with a vibrator, but when you're doing the deed with the right person it just happens on its own.

for men there doesn't necessarily have to be an emotional connection. A man can have sex with many women without having an emotional connection to any of them. For most women, there needs to be somewhat of an emotional connection. They won't sleep with any guy just because he's hot. Correct me if i'm wrong.

I have a low sex drive compared to other women, but I don't dislike it and it's definitely not a form of currency. I wouldn't "put out" all the time just to keep someone hooked.

I used to have a really high sex drive (it has declined completly now probably due to age and a problamatic birth). When I was in a relationship my sex drive usually went down rapidly. This is I feel because a lot of men I was with put on a "false pasona" to get into my pants and then once they had what they wanted they dropped the act and were no longer the person I had fallen for, so my desire for them waned as sex became purly physical.

I think part of my problem, may be that, I without thinking veered away from anyone that I might truly love, through fear of being rejected and hurt. I wish I had, had the guts to go for it with a guy before my libido disapeared, it would have been nice to have had a classic romance, I think I thought the rejection I feared might kill me.

I have a high sex drive and I orgasm very easily, but there are some things that tend to happen often in my relationships that put a damper on my urge to have sex with the other person (and ability to orgasm with them). Maybe this sounds familiar to others?

1. When the other person makes a pattern of not saying what they want and then blaming me for not intuiting something they've either explicitly rejected when I asked (and I ask explicitly about a lot of things) or not mentioned if I didn't notice it.

2. When the other person displays serious emotional instability or consistent emotional instability (I start to not feel very 'safe' around them and whether I want to or not, I back off)

3. When the other person keeps twisting reality to suit being right (when, for instance, they deny doing something they just did in order to win an argument)

4. When the other person lies to me about their motivations or pretends to be okay with something they expect me to 'grow out of' later (for instance, when they decide some aspie trait I express is really just some sort of immaturity on my part that I'll get better from)

5. When they insist on disrupting my work in order to make me 'prove' that I love or desire them

6. When they change their minds repeatedly on some topic having to do with sexuality (especially when, somehow, this is all my fault--I tell people up front that I'm kinky and poly. It's amazing how often they expect me to 'get over it' and lie about their willingness to tolerate my sexuality so that they can get close enough to 'cure' me of it.)

If those things are happening, I don't feel 'safe' and I end up withdrawing physically. I'm not unwilling to adapt, but if I go to the person and explicitly try to work it out and they reject me and/or blame me for not being 'romantic' enough because I want to talk about it, it kills my desire for that person.

I do have another problem where I go through cycles where I'm fixated on some project I'm working on (I try to moderate that and to make daily efforts to engage in some sort of affection with the person), then I finish the project and I'm ready to hump the chair for sexual release because all that focus is now shifted to sex.

If other people have this problem, what do they do about it?

YES! Not sure what to do about any of it though.

What are you talking about? I know loads of women say they dislike sex.

I like sex, if only I didn't have such low pain tolerance....

Alycat: Me, either.

I'm trying not to have unrealistic standards, but if I'm having to beat myself up in order to have a sex life with the person, I feel like it's less than a good thing. And many times I'm not choosing to withdraw, I just suddenly find it very difficult to do anything with the person.

Only reason I can see for Aspie women having a lower desire to have sex than NTs is that some of us are more sensitive. E.g., I have sensory problems with someone touching my torso, it gives me physical pain. Pain = decrease in desire to have sex. Add this with a guy getting frustrated and annoyed because you're not 'putting out' then it just makes you feel worse, then I end up telling them to find someone another partner who they can touch how they like, and I can masturbate, so orgasms for everyone.

There's too much rubbish out there trying to tell us how we have to act in accordance to what, and this is true with sex. Who cares who has what sex drive, NT/aspie/male/female. If the person you want to have sex with doesn't want to have sex with you back, you have a voice box, just open your mouth and ask why, and if you don't want to have sex but your partner does, tell them why. Simple.

I do think that there can be a connection between ASS and lower sex drive, but i think ASS is not always the one and only source of that. I think it's depended on the person. If i look to myself, i had sex drive issues almost all my life, even when i did get married. But i also know periods of don't have that issues at all. When i went deeper to the search of myself, i discovered that most of this sex-issues were not coming from my ASS, but more of experience. Bad sex education from my parents in combination with bad sex experiences with men. And the general image about women that still rules through society these days. In a kind of way, i am sexually abused. Not only physical, but also emotional and spiritual.

A couple of years ago, i went to see a therapist (together with my husband), who's specializes in sex issues. She had no experience with people on the spectrum, and that was exactly my intention. Because to me, not everything has to point at my ASS. I am more than my ASS. I am also a woman. It was the best step i could take in my relationship with my husband. I learned to overcome my trauma's, and finally feel just like a woman, not a woman with ASS and sex issues. You know, there are A LOT of women with sex(drive) issues!! It's not only emotions, but also chemistry. We women are so complex, it's a miracle when it's going right al the time!

My point here is that i hope that people not have to trow everything on the ASS, but see a bigger picture here. Because the fact is that women are VERY different creatures! They are way more complex than men when it comes to their sexuality. I now know that my sex issues were caused more by the fact that i really didn't know and understood what it's mean to be a woman. I mean what it really means to be a woman; physical, emotional, spiritual.... To understand it, not only by mind and in theory, but also by feeling and even further! Because when you see it that way, you see that ASS or any other thing has nothing to do with sexuality. As women, we are all the same! It's universal! We just need to be understood.

I think that ASS (or any other diagnosis) is not the cause of sex issues, it's just something that isn't always helpful to solve them maybe. But it's not impossible! I know that, because i did it. You know, there are solutions! Ofcourse, when you have to take medications that have a influence on sex drive, it's very difficult. But a good doctor will think with you, not for you. I hope that all (ass)women learn that it is wrong to think that there is nothing to solve here, and think they just have to live with it. Because it's not true! If you're born as a woman, then all the potentials are there to really be a woman in every way. Ass or not.

I think male aspies are conditioned to turn away from sex. Maybe one or two dates.. but the more dating you do, the more you realize that it's all a bunch of nonsense with hidden motives.

My first girlfriend was a wonderful dating experience. She was sweet and instead of pointing out the differences about me she was totally in love with me and admired me.. this was an NT girl. After several years is started falling apart because I wasn't able to provide what she wanted/needed. I wasn't the guy to go out to dinner dates with... or go to family events with... I always avoided conversations with others and tried to just have 1-on-1 time with her. She ended up cheating on me (didn't want to break up clean because she didn't want to hurt me.. in her own words.) Same happened to me with my second serious GF. I gave up since. I'm older now and i'm poor and live in a basement apartment in a ghetto-ish neighborhood. It's a wrap for me. I sometimes think back and wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed with that first GF. Who knows... could have been a really good life with lots of love and kids and a big house.. or we could've had kids and broke up later and i would be in the same spot I am now, except also a deadbeat father ontop of that. I guess it wasn't meant to be but it doesn't stop me from thinking back and dreaming of what could've been but never was