Why do women love abusive men

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Amen.

People who have endured abuse in childhood end up being more susceptible to abusive partners / abusive relationships as adults, especially if their childhood abuser is still in their lives, reinforcing their screwed up belief systems that they somehow deserve the abuse.

Don't want to share too much information here, as I like my privacy, but hindsight is 20/20. I am also incredibly lucky to have dodged some really awful bullets in my time.

I've had an abusive childhood myself and there's times when I crave abuse. I've gotten upset with my boyfriend because he doesn't abuse me. I think I need therapy.....

Many people have this idea that rough treatment = "honesty"

And that rough treatment = "true love"

Not always the case, *unless* the individuals in question were raised in abusive, hostile environments by abusive, hostile "parents" or "caregivers".

If abuse and hostility are the only things you have ever known, and have even been conditioned from birth to accept as "normal", then you really don't know any different AND are more likely to accept abuse from a partner as "honest, true love". But if you were raised in a warm, loving and supportive environment, you would be better placed to understand that abuse is neither normal nor acceptable, and would probably react definitively and firmly at the first sign of abuse - however subtle - by a partner which will break the cycle before it even gets started.

Although the above is based on my own experience, I *have* talked to many women with upbringings similar to my own and our abuse radar is either quietened significantly or muted out, altogether. Some of us are able to finally learn that abuse has nothing to do with love and probably a lot to do with mental illness or personality disorders in our former "caregivers", which leads to us finally being able to break the cycle. But others of us never know any different and - sadly enough - don't care to know any different and don't think we deserve any better.

I am sure that this - greater tolerance for abuse and hostility - is also the case with males raised in abusive, hostile homes in their childhoods, although I can obviously only speak for the females.

goofygoobers,

Yes, if true, you do need therapy. And, until you've worked through your childhood issues, you should probably not be in any sort of romantic union. I liken this to an alcohol problem. Even if you've gone to rehab, and gotten rid of your former addiction, you should stay away from alcohol for at least 10 years, until you know for sure that a drink here and a drink there won't lead to go binge drinking every night after work.

Some people don't agree with me when I say that they should stay away from romantic unions until they've completely resolved their childhood issues, but this is my reasoning. Abuse - especially in early childhood - leads to a complete destruction of self-esteem and self-confidence. This tends to make you stand out to potential bullies as an easy and vulnerable target, even if you don't intend to make your vulnerability obvious. If you don't love yourself (and the abuse has made sure that you don't), you are not in any position to love another. You need to heal, be made whole again, love and respect yourself, and have a healthy relationship with your own self before you are ready for any sort of relationship with another. Don't attempt to find love from other people if you don't love yourself.

Your first act of self-preservation would be to cut off the abusers (both the active abusers and the enablers) in your life. Also, ignore all their minions who might try to suck you back into the vortex because abusers will turn on other people when you - their favourite scapegoat - "escape". So, it in in the minions' interests to draw you back in to your former role of family scapegoat. Move 2000 kms away, and cut off everyone for a few years while you learn to love and respect yourself all over again. You'll be stronger and more positive for it. Also, when you love yourself, it makes other people want to love you, too ! Self-love naturally leads to attracting an appropriate and equally loving romantic partner.

Good luck !

You ask the question why. Actually it is not 100% known but there are so good theories. This behaviour is not exclusive to women either.

The most obvious one is it has to with conditioning. Abuse is not a reward but when you brain is used to the same input over a time it expects it.

Another theory is to do with pre-empting. You expect it happen you, so it is easier if you gain some control by allowing it to happen rather the wait. However I'm not saying you really want it to happen, but that is the psychology.

I think it is both.

A controversial theory but backed up by research that abuse can be inter-generational and it can at times be fully reciprocal. The founder of what became Refuge and the pioneer of shelters Erin Pizzey said that, she was hounded for it. She received death threats, and her dog was killed.

Sometime the term "victim-blaming" is used too loosely it stops serious discussion, which might actually help. This is why terms like "safe space" and "trigger warning", don't come from the expert or research on either abuse or PTSD, and while can be well meaning aren't necessarily going to help.

PTSD is something not all people who suffer a traumatic even develop, only some of them. It is a specific condition, and there are other mental illnesses associated with traumatic events.

When you have a behaviour cycle that is destructive the last thing you want to do is nurture it.

Added emphasis mine, obviously.

I think it's really important to stress this, in threads that generalise about one gender or the other in a fallacious way. Being prone to abuse is a HUMAN trait (especially for those who have experienced abuse before--and both men and women are abused in childhood and in adulthood), NOT a male or a female trait.

There is such thing as a fetish. There are people out there who like getting abused but the difference between that abuse and real abuse is real abuse is done without consent and the victim has no control while in a controlled environment, it's more like role playing because the person is doing what the victim wants done to them and they use safe words.

What I stated above isn't the norm--but it still is fairly common among people I have encountered in my life.

It's definitely not true for everyone--but like other posters stated, if one is raised in abuse, one will only think in terms of abuse.

In my case, I have already been used to an abusive situation because of my childhood. I never preferred or sought out abusive relationships. But I was more tolerant of abusive behavior and didn't recognize some behaviors as abusive because they weren't drastically different from those I'd already experienced.

Besides, having autism makes it a little more difficult for me to recognize and appropriately respond to these behaviors.

Come to Baltimore, a lot of the girls around here like being with guys that abuse them. I have friends that have been told they are "too nice." and have been broken up with. I have had friends that have been taken advantage of and I have been taken advantage of in the past, but girls who were manipulative. Those type of girls like guys to push them around. An ex of mine even wrote fan fiction of male characters that would act like jerks and abuse her in her stories. I was nice to her and she pushed me around.

Look around and see how popular Fifty Shades of Grey is among women.

And how the protagonist is praised while he's an abusive character.

Let's be fair, the guy is rich....lot of gold diggers.