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Unacknowledged comments and repetition

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marshall
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25 Jun 2009, 1:06 am

jennyishere wrote:
Hi again, Marshall. You could be right- if your comments are perceived as odd or inappropropriate, NTs may just ignore them. This is actually a polite response- to comment on their oddness or to criticise you for them would be rude or even hostile. Polite adult NTs generally try to avoid causing embarrassment to others, but I can see how this lack of response would be puzzling. You could privately ask someone afterwards whether your comment had been off the mark in some way, but only if you knew the person well and knew they wouldn't judge you. Asking other people for that sort of feedback would risk making you look insecure and socially odd because for males, in particular, being able to dominate a discussion and hold the attention of others indicates and confers social status.

Conversational etiquette is quite complex- and some NTs aren't very good at it either. Most NTs can just "feel" what's appropriate and how others are responding- we get constant feedback via eye contact, posture, tone of voice, facial expression, etc. If you find it difficult to read those cues, conversations must be very stressful- no wonder you feel a bit paranoid. Jenny


I am aware of all those things and I don't think reading body language is the big issue with me.

I like to segue into topics that interest me and things I can relate to. Otherwise I can't think of anything to say. Apparently NT's don't like this. I'm not interested in 90% of the topics NT's talk about so when something comes up that's in the 10% of topics that I can actually relate to I diligently try to get at least a few words in. Only then it's awkward because I haven't said much other than some head nods and a few "oh, uh huhs" for a significant period of time. I try my best but I still feel that when I don't get a good responses to my comments people are somehow judging me for not being able to participate enough in topics that don't interest me.

I think I'm just bad at faking an interest in a topic for the sake of other people. I can't automatically get into something just because the rest of the group is into it. I seriously think NT's somehow unconsciously condition themselves to be interested in whatever everyone else is interested in for the sake of forming social bonds. Why else do 95% of guys like to talk about professional sports? How can they all be that into something so utterly boring? Are aspies missing this subconscious psychological conditioning to conform?

Who knows. Maybe it's a lost cause for me. I just don't relate to people IRL and find the vast majority of them un-stimulating.



Eire
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25 Jun 2009, 1:19 am

I also tend to repeat myself when others don't acknowledge what I've said. Especially if I think it's a good point. I wasn't really aware I was doing this until my boyfriend started pointing it out to me.

marshall wrote:
I seriously think NT's somehow unconsciously condition themselves to be interested in whatever everyone else is interested in for the sake of forming social bonds. Why else do 95% of guys like to talk about professional sports? How can they all be that into something so utterly boring?

I doubt that it's always unconscious. I've known people to develop an interest in something all of a sudden because a potential boyfriend or group of friends was into it. I do agree, conversations about sports are extremely boring.



marshall
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25 Jun 2009, 1:24 am

Eire wrote:
I also tend to repeat myself when others don't acknowledge what I've said. Especially if I think it's a good point. I wasn't really aware I was doing this until my boyfriend started pointing it out to me.

marshall wrote:
I seriously think NT's somehow unconsciously condition themselves to be interested in whatever everyone else is interested in for the sake of forming social bonds. Why else do 95% of guys like to talk about professional sports? How can they all be that into something so utterly boring?

I doubt that it's always unconscious. I've known people to develop an interest in something all of a sudden because a potential boyfriend or group of friends was into it. I do agree, conversations about sports are extremely boring.

Yup. I'm at a serious disadvantage because I can't do it, consciously or subconsciously. Even if I can read body language and learn awareness of what's expected of me socially I still can't fit in because I'm not flexible enough to form interests for the sake of conforming to a group culture.



pluto
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25 Jun 2009, 1:30 am

marshall wrote:
I get upset in social situations when I come up with some commentary that I think is clever, important, and/or insightful but nobody adds to what I say or gives additional feedback. I feel that when I invest energy into talking I want feedback and when I don't get it I assume nobody listened or understood me. I always feel frustrated, maybe even slighted.

Also, when the same topic which lead to the comment the first time comes up later on I often repeat my original comment a second time almost word for word. Now that I've had the chance to interacted with other aspies I realized that many of them do the same thing, repeating the exact same joke or story to the same audience multiple times.

I'm not sure exactly what it is but for me the motivation to repeat is a sense that I need to make sure, for certain, that everyone got chance to hear my comment. It's like it takes so much mental investment to come up with a clever comment that I just can’t get over it when I don't feel acknowledged. NT's are always more at ease and are able to move on more quickly than I ever can because the interaction requires so little effort on their part.

I'm looking for feedback from both aspies and NT's here.


I can relate to this,as I've been conscious of doing it myself for a while now.Most of the time I
do actually get feedback,but that makes the occasions when I don't get any reaction the more
puzzling. I'm beginning to think that it's either because
a) My timing may be slightly off.
b) I don't wait until I've made eye contact first before speaking
c) I sometimes sound a little too self-satisfied with my own comments. In this case I often
find later that people were in fact amused but they didn't reveal it at the time.


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