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SunshineEmma
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29 Sep 2018, 6:31 am

Hi I have a update.

My depression feels worse than ever, I'm worrying all the time, causing my body to feel rubbish, aches and pains and I'm so tired. I'm exhausted and it's only just gone 10:15 a.m. here.
My dad's health is worsening, slowly but surely his Diabetes is getting out of control and I'm terrified. I'm not sure if I can stand by and watch him get ill. He took out life insurance recently so I think he knows too and is planning for the future for my family. But if anything happens to hm then I know my life will be over. I can't live without my dad, we're so close and life without him would be meaningless to me. I know if he passes away before I've managed to get better I'll fall apart, the thought scares and worries me because I think that if it happens I won't recover.

I haven't told my parents this, I just put on a smile when I see them and then run to my room and try to pretend that everything's ok. But it's not. It hasn't been ok since I was abused. Ever since then my life has always felt horrible, some days are so hard to get by and my mood alters all the time. When my fmaily talk to me sometimes I find it irritating, I hide away in my room sometimes wishing that I would fall in to a deep sleep and never wake up again. I see my parents and their health problems and I blame myself. I'm a horrible person, there's nothing nice about me. I just cause people worry and grief. It's one of the reasons I have no friends, people avoid me and that's why. I bring a lot of bad luck, my parents getting ill, my friend being killed. It terrifies me, I hardly speak to my mum now because I'm too afraod to get close to her.

Growing up I had so many plans, get married to a nice man, have children and now I don't even think about the things I want to do because I can't see any of them happening. I don't see anything ahead of me except for misery and pain. I've had a few dates but none of the relationships lasted, people find me weird I think and never want to stick around or even be friends. I'm alone and I think I always will be. I love children, being a mum was one of my top dreams but I don't see that happening. I suffer from severe emetophobia and as a rule avoid children and anywhere else where I might get a sick bug, I haven't even seen my cousin's children once because of this. So I would probably be a horrible mum.

I feel so bad today. My life has no direction, it feels like I'm just here to watch my family fall to pieces. I want to talk to somebody but I don't know who. The doctor's aren't open today and my therapy appointment hasn't been dated yet.
I can't tell my family, where would I start? Telling them I was abused would destroy them, so would telling them about my recent thoughts. I can't do it to them, I've put them through enough with the Autism.

I just feel so ashamed that I've got like this. I just want to get better and go back to how I used to be before I got depressed. Everything is so jumbled up now and I feel like I'm sinking.

I'm just really lucky that I can come here where I can be myself and can be open without the fear of hurting anybody.

Sorry for another really long post I just really needed to get all that out.
I’m still feeling bad so I’m going to head off for a bit and try and clear my head and calm down. See you when I’m feeling better.

Emma. X



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29 Sep 2018, 6:41 am

I hope things start to improve for you. You're handling things much better than I would if I was in your situation. I find that it helps when I listen to music. I hope that your dad can get his diabetes under control.


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quite an extreme
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29 Sep 2018, 7:06 am

I'm afraided it. Get out into the sunlight and try to think more positve! :!:


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Last edited by quite an extreme on 29 Sep 2018, 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

Prometheus18
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29 Sep 2018, 7:11 am

You need to involve yourself in something other than yourself. Find a new hobby, join a political movement, a church, learn a new skill or language.



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29 Sep 2018, 10:01 am

I am so sorry you are depressed and feeling so badly. In my life I have gone through cycles of good times and depression. What I have learned is that when I am depressed, I will feel better again, but I don't feel as if I will ever feel better again. It is like being in the trough of a wave during a storm at sea. When you are in the bottom of the trough, you cannot see anyway out, nor any hope, nor anything good. But eventually, the waves calm or you hit the top of a wave and can see that you really aren't even too far from shore. The trick for me is to hold onto my sanity in the face of all the feelings of worthlessness and fear.


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Fuzzyair
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30 Sep 2018, 2:01 am

Hello SunshineEmma :) . Sorry I wasn't around to reply to your first depression thread, I was extremely busy this week. I did read your posts from your last thread and from this one as well. At first I considered not saying anything as I'm not familiar with you really. Usually in your situation people say its a cry for "attention" but what I see in your messages is a woman crying for help. I'm sorry you're struggling SunshineEmma. Life is hard and can really bring you to your knees. You've been through a lot and it shows. But it's never too late and I know you can pull through this. I've had a couple of experiences similar to yours and at the time felt like my life was over like I couldn't go on. But somehow I got through it all and now I'm leading a much better life. I want to help you SunshineEmma so please read what I put below and know that you can be better again!

Acceptance.
When I read your messages SunshineEmma I see a woman who really struggles to accept the things from her past. You've experienced some vile things in your life so far and I think a big problem for you here is that you haven't been able to accept they happened to you. Being abused as a child. You feel ashamed about it and find it difficult to accept that it really happened. I know how it feels because when I was a kid I was abused as well. After every day I spent my time feeling guilty like I was in the wrong... But you can't do that because you get stuck in an endless loop where it starts to play on your mind constantly. When you accept that its happened you will feel so much better I promise.
When you're abused as a child it does one major thing - it breaks your trust - and suddenly you're a different person. But SunshineEmma as you grow up it actually makes you stronger and more aware of those around you. I saw some of your messages here and you are a lovely person. You care and you're dreamer, you have fixed dreams for your life and don't let go of them for one second. Everyone deserves to be happy and you still can be.

SunshineEmma you need to stop, take a deep breath and think about your life. Forget all the bad things that have happened. You know they happened but there really is nothing that can change it, so why worry? The mind is a funny thing and it tends to think negatively. You have to tell it to stop SunshineEmma otherwise you won't ever get any peace from the demons of the past. Accept that what's done is done and that you are a wonderful human being who is going through a bad patch. I know you can get better SunshineEmma!

Parents & Death.
Parents for most of us are best of friends. That is obviously the case with you and your parents. My father and I are very close, I restore classic cars with him and it's a great hobby we both share. I'm very sorry to hear about your parents health. That can't be easy to deal with, any health problem amongst families is always hard to come to terms with. My father also has Diabetes, Type 2. Your father sounds Type 2 as well. He's had Diabetes for a long time now and like your father his blood sugar levels are very random, rarely low and usually giving him a sad face on his blood reading machine. Diabetes is not a pleasant disease but it's manageable SunshineEmma and that sure beats only having a couple of months to live. I don't think your father's in any danger of passing away just yet. If his blood is between seven and eight then he's not in the danger zone yet.

I remember how much I used to worry about my father's health as well. I spent months and years worrying about his health, scared to death that he was going to pass away and leave me for good. Years later the pair of us are still here SunshineEmma :) . You said your father was fifty? So chances are he's still got a long time on this world, as do you! :D .

Death is another thing that must be accepted SunshineEmma otherwise you spend all your time and life thinking about it. If you spend all your life worrying about the what ifs then you aren't living your life. Days are going fast because of worries and the more you think about it the faster they go. Nobody likes death or to think about it. It's a normal part of being a person and we'll all experience eventually. Like you SunshineEmma I used to worry about death and my parents dying all the time. The worries were endless and gave me very little rest bite. I spent five years of my life hiding away from the rest of the world, afraid that something might happen to me or my family. Looking back I can now see what a waste of my life that was... Five whole years gone and I won't get them back either. It's the same for you SunshineEmma. If you hide away then you miss parts of your life that you won't get back. You need to get out there and start living your life :) . Enjoy every second of every day and treasure the youngest parts of your life. That's what I did and I got out of the situation you're in. I guarantee you will be a better you!

You can do it :) . I'm not sure how many others here believe in you SunshineEmma but do you know what? I do believe in you. You are stronger and braver than you know and you want to be helped. Me and others here can give you advice but the real help has to come from you SunshineEmma :) . I know you can do it.

Being Yourself.
When I read your messages it came through loud and clear that you clear dislike yourself. The majority of this will come from the Autism - I used to hate myself for being Autistic - and another part will be you beating yourself up for getting depressed. You've experienced a lot of awful things and for someone with Autism I think you've handled it all really well. I don't think you're angry at the world and everybody else, nah you're not that sort of person. You're angry at yourself. You feel ashamed and feel like you're letting your family and your friends here down. That's what sparked this message am I right?

Don't be
. :) We all go through rough patches from time to time. Some of us sit through it alone, unsure of who to turn to and others want to be helped. Your message clearly shows you wanting to be helped and I respect you for that. To be able to be so open with everyone here takes courage SunshineEmma and I think you're very brave for that. It takes a lot to ask for help :) . The best help you can get is help from yourself and from your family. I understand that you don't want to tell your family about the things you've been through. I didn't tell my family either. But do one thing for me SunshineEmma - talk to them. There's no harm in talking to them about how you're feeling at the moment. Tell them you feel sad and down. Believe me you won't worry them silly and you'll feel really happy once you've spoken to them. Families talk about how they're feeling all the time. You've probably heard your parents discussing how they feel with you a couple of times. Let them know SunshineEmma and talk to them often :) . Talking is a great healer and a brilliant worry-easer :) .

Emetophobia.
The fear of sickness is basically just that a fear. It's very common and is usually brought on by a traumatic sickness experience from when you were a child. I have Emetophobia as well. Mine was caused when I was eleven. We went to see my Gran and Grampy and on the other end I was sick about five times - it was vile - but you know what despite all my threating over what happened I haven't actually been sick since and I'm twenty one now :) . It's ok to be scared about being sick, it's not a nice experience after all, but don't let it rule your life SunshineEmma because if you do it could ruin your life. Imagine if it stopped you from having children? I expect you would make a brilliant mum and believe me, if one of your kids was sick you would cope. Parents have a natural coping mechanism. You wouldn't like it of course but you would deal with it! :) We all do and experience things we don't like but we almost always cope at the time and you would too :) .

The Future.
The future is something that worries everybody. You aren't alone there. But if you worry about it too much then it starts to rule your life and dig you in to a deep hole. Life is precious SunshineEmma and you deserve to lead a happy life. So much time is being eaten away while you worry and that's not fair on you. You have to keep smiling and if life kicks a ball at you, kick it back. The future is too far away to worry about and yes there might be bad moments waiting up the road but then there might not be. That's the problem with worrying SunshineEmma, you're waiting for stuff that might not even happen and in the meantime it's worrying you so much it's making you sick.

I guarantee you if you stop thinking and worrying about the future you will be a happier woman and then you can start living your life again :) .

They say there's only one life SunshineEmma so make every second of your precious and have a damn good life! :) We're all entitled to one. So let's all have damn good lives.

Life is precious Emma. Live yours and be happy happy and remember - The past is gone and can't be changed. And the future is too far away to worry about. Make the present count.


I hope my message helps you to understand and get back on your feet Emma :) . It's not over for you and you still have your whole life ahead of you. Your situation is this - you've fallen off the horse so what do you do next?

Get back on and continue your journey that is life.

You can do it Emma :) .



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30 Sep 2018, 6:19 am

Hi Emma,

I didn’t know you were abused.

I’m so sorry about your dad.

I really feel you need an objective person to talk to.

There’s lots of potential in you. I would seek to cherish your great memories of your dad, and use him as an inspiration for when you sing. He wouldn’t want you to squander your potential, and allow the abuser his victory.



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30 Sep 2018, 9:02 am

(((SunshineEmma)))



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30 Sep 2018, 9:51 am

What you are going through would be really, really hard. I want so badly for thing to get better for you.

You said in your post that you're a horrible person. I'll tell you right now, just from reading your post, you're not a horrible person. A horrible person would not have typed what you typed in your post.

May the sun shine on your life.
Image


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SunshineEmma
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30 Sep 2018, 12:35 pm

SplendidSnail wrote:
What you are going through would be really, really hard. I want so badly for thing to get better for you.

You said in your post that you're a horrible person. I'll tell you right now, just from reading your post, you're not a horrible person. A horrible person would not have typed what you typed in your post.

May the sun shine on your life.
Image


Thank you for your kind words :heart: :heart: And for the sunshine gif! I love the sunshine, it makes me feel warm and bright :heart:

I'm sorry about the post everyone :( Things just really spiralled out of control for me the other day, I just needed some time away to breathe and calm down. It's what happens when I get really worked up like that :cry:

I'm feeling really good and happy today :heart:
I should get my therapy appointment this coming week, I might phone them tomorrow and see if they can tell me so at least then I know. I also spoke to my Dad and Mum about my depression and anxiety, they've been really supportive and are looking after me now :heart: :heart: :heart:

Thank you for the encouraging words and support :heart: I couldn't have got through the last 48 hours without you :heart:

I'm just sorry I got like that again :cry:

Thank you for being there for me :heart:

Emma. X :heart:



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30 Sep 2018, 12:37 pm

Nothing wrong with your post.

It’s your catharsis. This is exactly the objective of Freud’s therapy.

You are seeking to heal.



SunshineEmma
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30 Sep 2018, 12:46 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Nothing wrong with your post.

It’s your catharsis. This is exactly the objective of Freud’s therapy.

You are seeking to heal.


Thank you so much :heart: :heart: :heart: I feel like I'm healing and getting better :heart:



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30 Sep 2018, 12:54 pm

Good to hear you are feeling better. Thanks for letting us know.


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quite an extreme
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30 Sep 2018, 1:28 pm

SunshineEmma wrote:
I love the sunshine, it makes me feel warm and bright :heart:

We all love you for being as warm and bright as you are. I want you to keep this your whole life and never loose it. I don't want to loose someone like you to become a member of the club of all the bitter and dark minded depressive people. Please keep beeing as wonderful as you are.

SunshineEmma wrote:
I'm sorry about the post everyone :( Things just really spiralled out of control for me the other day, I just needed some time away to breathe and calm down. It's what happens when I get really worked up like that :cry:

Don't feel sorry for that. Sometimes the things are out of our our control. If it comes to me I'm really glad that you are here. :heart:


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30 Sep 2018, 3:12 pm

Very glad you're feeling better.

I read your original post again, and I think there's one other thing that's important.

I don't know your parents, but I don't think you have to pretend everything is OK around them, whatever your age may be, and whatever disease or conditions they may have. You are still their child, and if they are able to look after you, even if it's just by comforting you when you're depressed, it will give more meaning to their life and help them stay healthy.


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SunshineEmma
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01 Oct 2018, 12:48 am

SplendidSnail wrote:
Very glad you're feeling better.

I read your original post again, and I think there's one other thing that's important.

I don't know your parents, but I don't think you have to pretend everything is OK around them, whatever your age may be, and whatever disease or conditions they may have. You are still their child, and if they are able to look after you, even if it's just by comforting you when you're depressed, it will give more meaning to their life and help them stay healthy.


Hi, thank you for the advice and the kind words :heart:

I've actually told my parents now, about the depression, and they are giving me all their support and love :heart: They are concerned and upset but nowhere near crazy worried like I thought they would be. I think you're right :heart: Letting them know what definitely the best thing to do. I feel so much better now :heart:

I'll keep the abuse to myself, Fuzz was right, it's happened and now I need to move on with my life before I get myself in to a state which I can't get out of.

I have my family and I've got all my lovely friends here as well :heart: :heart: :heart:

Thank you for your help :heart: Really means a lot! :heart:

Emma. X