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Women who have aspergers: A non-issue for them

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nthach
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30 Oct 2010, 1:35 am

After reading, or more correctly skimming all 13 pages of this thread guys - and I'll clear the air up here that I'm 25 and I have NEVER been in an relationship or a "meaningful" date with a woman who didn't use me for transportation/alcohol/hotel and that the OP is a bitter Aspie male I'll say this:

GROW THE HELL UP.

I've been noticing this pattern in my head now when I'm spending more and more time on this forum. Sure, I've had my angsty moments and my meltdowns about not having that many friends, not having a relationship, not having sex - all things I would want to do. It's just that Aspie men/boys aren't willing to focus blame on themselves and instead choose to scapegoat women. It's really not that hard to get off the computer and socialize - you just need to find the right place to do it and focus it on a topic. Get off the Xbox, get out of that imaginary world, meet people out there that share that common interest. It's difficult but doable guys. Personally, I don't find the joy in playing video games or being in an imaginary world. I'm happiest being physically active here.

I just feel that Aspie men are prone to bottling up social/personal failure and letting that pressure build up until it ruptures. Now if you'll excuse me guys, I'm debating going to the bar for a drink tonight or not. There's always tomorrow night if I don't go, I just got done replacing an alternator on my car.

JNathanK
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30 Oct 2010, 2:42 am

johnnydangerous wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

I agree with the poster who doubted it was your AS that is the issue. The AS may contribute to your inability to see the real issue, but I doubt it IS the issue. I married a sweet and very shy AS man. Love can find it's way.

Having been single myself well past when I wanted to get married, I will say that "not wanting to be alone" is, by itself, a deterent to finding a relationship. Successful relationships are built between people who are comfortable with themselves and able to be alone, and not between people who are trying to fulfill a need by finding someone. Step one for me was, without a doubt, to stop living my life wishing someone else was in it; that wish alone made me less attractive. People who desperately want to be with someone else, not because of the person but because they want "someone," project a need that is very invasive and uncomfortable. Until you can learn how to be happy by yourself and for yourself, you are likely to continue to scaring people away with the sense of need they get from you. It took a little time for me to learn to just live for me, but it made a huge difference in all aspects of my life. And, funny how it happens, once I realized that I actually would be able to live a happy life if I never married, I met my husband.

Oh God...give me a break. Sounds like the load of b.s. well meaning people usually feed me... "it'll happen when you're not looking!! !!". Puh-leeze. OK I'll lie to myself and say Im happy being alone EVERY FUGGIN NIGHT staring at the wall.

Then a gorgeous women will land on my lap, right? Sure.

I am NOT FUGGIN HAPPY BEING ALONE and see no point LYING to myself about it, like you suggest. SORRY.

Maybe you should stare at a wall. That's basically what you do in Zen meditation. If you practice it consistently, it'll help you become less neurotic.

mechanicalgirl39
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30 Oct 2010, 11:10 am

nthach wrote:

Thank you for being a man and not a whacked out douche bag.

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aussiebloke
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30 Oct 2010, 7:53 pm

nthach wrote:

LOL I don't think it's a bad way to be . I'm currently watching Pure Pwange a mockumentary tv show (cross between The Office and a gross out teen comedy film ) about a virgin gamer guy well in his 20's who I suspect is aspie says:

"Having a girl friend would like totally suck she would eat in to my gaming time unless....

she was a totally hot gamer girl )

Guess what he has a totally hot gamer girl who is a friend right under his nose , who I suspect is romantic towards him

)

Totally aspie and unawares !

Has anyone seen the show, do they hook up ?

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ScottyN
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30 Oct 2010, 7:58 pm

I am 42 and have the exact same problem as you. Handsome, in good physical shape, intelligent and mindful: yet because of social awkwardness I cannot associate with women. But it is one of the things I regard as a LOW priority on my list of problems. If human females are this shallow (and they are), I have zero problems with being rejected. There are more important things in life to worry about.

Moog
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30 Oct 2010, 8:07 pm

Crikey, is this thread still going?

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Chronos
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30 Oct 2010, 8:30 pm

ScottyN wrote:

. If human females are this shallow (and they are), I have zero problems with being rejected. There are more important things in life to worry about.

But make no mistake, they are certainly no more shallow than human males.

TheDoctor82
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30 Oct 2010, 8:55 pm

Chronos wrote:

ScottyN wrote:

. If human females are this shallow (and they are), I have zero problems with being rejected. There are more important things in life to worry about.

But make no mistake, they are certainly no more shallow than human males.

humans in general are shallow, philosophy-less creatures. It's the small minority that keeps everything going that has a deep philosophy, or in some cases anything at all close to it.

ScottyN
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31 Oct 2010, 2:14 am

I knew that kind of response was coming, Chronos. Probably deserved. It really is true. I have met countless men who are only interested in their social status and socializing. They dragged me reluctantly off to bars and parties, where I would be miserable. Then they would go out again next night, minus myself, and do it all over again. I don't know why so many people live like that day to day. No plans, no purpose, and an utter lack of reason or logic to existence. I could never live that way. I must be missing something.

TheDoctor82
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31 Oct 2010, 2:39 am

ScottyN wrote:

No, you're not missing something, they are....but the complexities are too strong for their brains to notice, whereas ours do.

Chronos
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31 Oct 2010, 2:54 am

ScottyN wrote:

I don't know. And I'm even more perplexed by how many of these people suddenly become concerned about values when they do want to settle down and get married, at which point they usually become massive hypocrites.

This is the man who went clubbing every weekend, had sex with every woman he picked up, and then wants a super hot virgin as a wife.

This is the woman who partied, smoked pot, and drank all the time with band members and then wants a responsible man with a steady job as a husband.

But those are extremes and don't represent the majority of the population. Even most NT's I know don't like the club scene and average people usually accept that their partners might not be the richest, or best looking person in the world.

lostD
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31 Oct 2010, 3:28 am

johnnydangerous wrote:

mv wrote:

Um, I'm sure you're going to get a TON of this, but here goes:

You are GROSSLY generalizing. I have just the same kind of trouble that males with Aspergers have. I cannot bridge the social gap in any meaningful way, which leaves me alone. All the time. And I'm getting older and older, which means that I face the same "invisibility" issues that NT women face as they age.

And I'm purdy. For now.

Listen no offense, but if you're pretty but socially awkward, you're going to still not have any trouble getting dates. If you're pretty and not dating, that's basically by choice.

I am sorry but you are so stupid on that point !

I know basically 3 pretty girls who are still singles and never had a boyfriend, only one has chosen this situation by having a ridiculous conception of love and "the perfect man".

Anyway, I have had some propositions in my life (well, only 4), usually by uninteresting men but was rejected most of the time, I will not say that I am pretty of course, but many people run away from me when they try to know me because they feel that I am so weird, have strange interests and look like I do not understand a thing about social life or do not care.

"Weird", "have a mental problem" is what I have been told many times.

(And yet, I only have a diagnosis of dyspraxia.)

Plus, how can you really have partners when you are totally unable to see whether someone is interested or not (and end up acting as usual, which is the equivalent of a cold shower) ? And what about those who do not even find kissing or touching natural ?

I am pretty sure there are many aspies men who have a family or a partner and many aspie women who are singles. Perhaps males have more troubles because they think they have to correspond to a stereotype (which, from what I've seen, is totally wrong), but female too have to be a stereotype and you cannot generalize.

EDIT : Speak about lack of attention once I'm focusing on something, I did not see the other pages. :lol:

pensieve
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31 Oct 2010, 4:04 am

I'll be alone forever too. I'm female but I struggle in relationships too. I'm not sure if I'm attractive. I suppose some think I am but I can't communicate properly. I can't share with them or be how they want me to be. Dating is really awkward for me. Even thinking about it makes me feel uneasy.

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EnglishInvader
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31 Oct 2010, 6:26 am

pensieve wrote:

I thought I would always be alone, but I recently had some luck in this area. The woman in question just turned up on my doorstep and asked if I wanted to go round her place for a cup of tea. From there, we had a casual friendship for a couple of years and things eventually developed into a romantic nature.

I think it helps a lot that she is an older woman (13 years older than me) because it means that she isn't interested in clubbing/partying and is able to be more patient with me.

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31 Oct 2010, 6:46 am

Let's be honest here: the social expectation for women and men are indeed different.

I've known guys going after pretty girls with the most blend and boring personality, while I've got mates who are articulate and nicer looking than I, but couldn't get any dates because they are not the loud type.

Exceptions exist, course. But reality is, there is a generalization, and you're probably living in it. No amount of complaining can change that.

Personally I've decided to focus on my passion instead and try to turn it into a career. I think the joy you'd be getting from the sense of achievement, might make up for the angst from the lack of relationship.

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