Life getting ruined, need advice (New Poster)

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B4dM1nd
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25 Jan 2015, 3:38 pm

**WARNING, long rant incoming**

Greetings,

i've been reading this forum quite a while now and i think this seems the right place to open up a bit.

First some background: I'm male, 27, still living with my parents, no girlfriend, no real hobbies except casual gaming, no friends and no identity or any other normal people stuff whatsoever. Kinda pitiful, but i've been like this for the last ten years so i'm already used to what i am, so there is no depression or other issues, at least.

It was only about 2 years ago i started seriously think about all this; why everything is so difficult, why people are so difficult and so on, you know this.

Yep, its the autism. Most likely aspergers. It was like waking up from the Matrix and still feels strange to realize how it is ME who is different from other. It makes perfect sense, it all comes together.

I cannot even describe my personality because i dont know who i am or what are my future goals. Never thought about that, i guess im unable to think so advanced stuff. I think my mental age comes at least ten years behind me. Pretty much the 'classic Asperger case', so to say.

In elementary school i was like some stupid animal without any cognitive capability; just that kind of kid who got bullied and beaten up and didn't even realize that. It was like that until high school, where my brain finally started to work a bit; i wasn't a complete ret*d, but still pretty ret*d. I couldn't even pick up the courses myself.

Somehow i have made it through all the way here. Now im in the university, master level at computer science. And i'm struggling. A LOT.

And now, here comes the saddest part which has kept me awake at night and daydreaming at lectures:

I cannot do jack s**t with computers. NOTHING. I suck with computers.

Not MS Excel, not photoshopping, not database SQL, not HTHML, PHP, not programming with any language, not Visual Studio, not even building the damn computer from pieces or opening it, not CADing or modeling stuff, nor anything useful from the huge selection you can do with computers these days. I literally haven't learned a thing for 6 years i've spent in university. And i spend most of my time at the computer. How sad is that? I don't have any other skills relating to anything either.

I somehow have passed all the courses and tried all that stuff, but i seem to forget everything instantly. Everything is so complex and difficult, lots of mathematics and tiny errors, nothing ever works when i try it, when i to code, my head is empty and i keep forgetting the basic commands over and over again. I almost cried every Java lesson there was, because it was difficult. And still is. Kinda needless to say that i never do programming at my free time, and i know i should.

PROGRAMMING. THE MOTHER¤%#¤& PROGRAMMING. I hate it and i suck at it. But it is the most basic and the most important thing in the whole CompSci field. Everything they teach us is based on programming. Because i dont know it, everything i get now is just useless theory which, of course, i have no idea how to use in real life. How on earth i could, when i only about year ago learnt to buy proper clothes for myself? I don't even know why i chose this field at the first place. Plus, i only got accepted by luck because there was so few applicants that year. I could never get accepted to uni again, since my test score were so low.

How did this happen? How come my basic knowledge is still at the same level as it was in high school? How was i able to neglect my studies this bad? The end of studies is terribly close now and when i look at job advertisements...yeah, i got nothing. I barely know what all those knowledge requirements mean. I still feel so mentally left behind, i cannot even describe it.

All this makes me sad, angry and frustrated. Everyone else who started same years as me have become really good at programming and making a huge salary. I'm still at the beginning. I realise all this and that i need to study harder, but everytime i try even the to follow a simple programming tutorial, my code doesn't work. Nothing ever works and i have no idea what to do.

This haunts me at nights so bad. I don't even have explanations to my situation anymore. I cannot quit now since there im almost finished, so im pushing forward, avoiding/failing all the practical courses and passing those with only theory. At least there is selection.

Maybe it sounds to you that i'm making things too big in my head and worrying over nothing, but the truth is, with all the autistic ¤%#& i have, like poor social skills, clumsiness, zero interest to communicate with anyone about anything, slow pace, brain fog and concentration difficulties, my future doesn't look too bright. I'm worrying the employment so much i cannot think anything else.

Talking about diagnonis i'm planning to get, i finally, after 1,5 years got an appointment to see a doctor and talk about my condition, but i have no idea when the diagnosis is finished (if i get one) :roll: because the queues are so long.

There also tons of other things that are bothering me right now, but i think i end here. I would really, REALLY appreciate all the advices how should i move forward and how should i change my way of thinking.

Thank you in advance.

Cheers :cry:



LupaLuna
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25 Jan 2015, 3:44 pm

I am the same way. join the club. I think this is the number one thing that everybody on this forum struggles with. There just doesn't seem to be anything that we want in this world. Just like in the Matrix, Sometime I wish I was just like Cipher. He just wants to be plugged back in and forget about it, and let ignorance be bliss, even though he know it's not reality.



klausnrooster
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25 Jan 2015, 4:20 pm

You should've picked an easier major. Too late to change? To quit? No don't quit unless it saves big $$$. Do see a professional. See several if the first is no help. How do you feel about being a truck-driver? You'd be alone most of the time. Natural light, fresh air, change of scenery, ...



aradesh
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25 Jan 2015, 5:33 pm

Hey man. Are you in the UK? Maybe it's something about your language, or the fact that you're doing a masters in computer science and are self-admittedly a terrible programmer -- that gives it away xD

If it is of any consolation, it is not at all unusual for computer science students or even masters students (or even phd students) to be dreadful at their subject. I don't know what the universities are playing at. It's like they just have no clue on how to tell who is good and who isn't.

I wouldn't be too harsh on yourself with these thoughts. It is very easy to be like "I am X years old and I have wasted my life" but honestly 27 is really young, you've still got all of your life ahead of you. Just relax, try to enjoy time passing by, and don't put pressure on yourself to make decisions and aims and goals if you're not comfortable doing so.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with living with your parents. There is a stereotype that we must all move out from our parents, but I don't see why that should be the case. Our species evolved in tribes where we would generally live with our family members throughout our whole life, I think this is natural, it seems to be a social construct that we must all move out from our parents.

I think putting these pressures on yourself is causing you stress.

By the way, you don't seem like a dumb ret*d to me in your typing, you seem pretty fluent and eloquent.



aradesh
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26 Jan 2015, 9:46 am

I thought of another thing to mention...

Even though you study for something and then later forget what you learnt, this doesn't mean the time is wasted. If in the future you try to relearn what you have forgotten, you will learn it faster the second time. I find that with many things I have to go through the process of learn, forget, relearn several times before they stick.



GamerPrincess
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26 Jan 2015, 3:35 pm

First thing, I don't see living with parents and having no girlfriend as such a big problem. But it is after all up to you to define what is and what isn't a problem in your life. Just bear in mind that being independant and having a life partner also has its own set of challenges and not so great bits and isn't some kind of magical solution to a happy life. I think the most important is: was it your decision or are you stuck in this situation ? If it wasn't your decision then it's pretty difficult indeed. You can however try and do your best to change things (but again, everything comes at a cost and it might not be as great as you think it is)

Concerning the problem with not understanding lessons... Oh boy! The number of things I had to self-teach myself because I was unable to understand things the way they were teached. I don't know how to explain this, but I have big problems with lessons made by teachers and always end up doing the teaching on my own. Maybe it's because I learn best by trial and error ? Or the way lessons are given in most places makes it hard for me to wrap my head around things.

Anyway I happen to be pretty good at computer programming, and I love explaining things. If you are interested and in need of some extra tutoring in computer science, I could teach you anything (except building a computer), the way you feel most comfortable learning. Need practical exercices to grasp a concept ? No problem. More of a "I need all information possible about this thing before I can understand it" type learner, I could do that too. Or maybe you just need information organised in a different way than what is conventional. I could produce PDF or give you skype lessons, or emails with exercices every week, whichever would suits best your needs.

Even if you end up hating programming anyway, if you "need" this degree, I could help you with that.
[I just really really love programming and sharing my knowledge, so it really isn't much to ask from me! Also if anyone else need/want this kind of lessons feel free to ask.]



B4dM1nd
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26 Jan 2015, 4:04 pm

Thank you so much for your kind words and advices. And no, im not from UK. :D

It is so hard sometimes not be too hard on myself. I wish i could stop worrying this so much...

You make good points. I'm actually delighted that nobody mentioned laziness as the main reason 8O

It is kinda long story to explain why im in this situation. My decision, originally, sometimes content, but also stuck...in a aspie way (routines, safety, don't like changing things)

What makes this so difficult to process is that my mood swings way too much these days. Somedays i get huge urgent to do all my chores and schoolworks out of the way, and the next day im totally opposite. I can't get a grip of what i want to achieve and i feel like i've been adrift all my life.

This is annoying since there is no pattern how i will feel each passing moment. My mood and temper change several times a day, varying through almost every possible emotion and though. Is this typical to aspergers? I really would like get some relief to this, would make my life so much easier. When i wrote the starting post, i had the worst possible mood ever, devastated.

I actually know few classmates some years back that were in the same situation as me. There were some great students and there were bad students. It was this week i heard some guy talking that he is also bored to this field, but cannot quit. But he was so laidback, like "yeah, i don't care about this field anymore, i'll find something else to do after this".

How can some people be like that? I envy that kind of attitude, to be honest.

On the other hand, i would very likely be in this same situation now, if i had chosen some other major, like social sciences. Then i would be wondering exactly, what i do with all that useless, boring theory which qualifies me for absolutely nothing, and had chosen some 'productive' field, like computer science. Sigh. :x

But yeah, at least i got something good coming. My grades are not godawful so far so that a big plus. Im only missing the practical knowledge. I would be so happy to get even a trainee position someday so i will see what they REALLY are doing in this field...oh, and i heard that the actual programming phase is only about 20% of the total work what one project has. The rest 80% are testing, planning, managing etc etc. so that gives me a little hope.

Now im feeling better again, but it lasts only a while. I ask again, can these kind of mood swings be fixed with a medication? I have never gotten any drugs for "mind issues", so i think i should get some.



GamerPrincess
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26 Jan 2015, 4:39 pm

Glad to see you're feeling better! Even if you think it's only for a few, at least you can use the energy and motivation to maybe start planning some way out.

B4dM1nd wrote:
I actually know few classmates some years back that were in the same situation as me. There were some great students and there were bad students. It was this week i heard some guy talking that he is also bored to this field, but cannot quit. But he was so laidback, like "yeah, i don't care about this field anymore, i'll find something else to do after this".

How can some people be like that? I envy that kind of attitude, to be honest.

Well it could be a whole range of reasons behind. He may truly not care anymore, or it may be a coping mechanism to deal with the pressure it puts on him (I used to do that actually.)

B4dM1nd wrote:
You make good points. I'm actually delighted that nobody mentioned laziness as the main reason 8O

Ugh the laziness argument. I heard it so much, but I noticed that most of the time it is "why don't you do the thing I find easy ? I don't understand so you must be lazy".

B4dM1nd wrote:
What makes this so difficult to process is that my mood swings way too much these days. Somedays i get huge urgent to do all my chores and schoolworks out of the way, and the next day im totally opposite. I can't get a grip of what i want to achieve and i feel like i've been adrift all my life.

This is annoying since there is no pattern how i will feel each passing moment. My mood and temper change several times a day, varying through almost every possible emotion and though. Is this typical to aspergers? I really would like get some relief to this, would make my life so much easier. When i wrote the starting post, i had the worst possible mood ever, devastated.

I don't think the mood swings are tied to Asperger. There is however a psychatric disorder called Bipolar Disorder that could explain the mood switch and that is treated by medication. If the frequent mood switch is getting too much in your way and causes you harm, I think it is wise to see a psychatrist about it.

I suffer from dramatic mood swings from time to time (PMS... ugh). Mind you, it's easier for me to manage because it is only temporary, but I find writing down my emotions in a diary really helpful (I also always have trouble understanding my own emotions and taking the time to write it down helps me manage things before it bottles up). So why not give it a try ?

B4dM1nd wrote:
It is kinda long story to explain why im in this situation. My decision, originally, sometimes content, but also stuck...in a aspie way (routines, safety, don't like changing things)

If you feel stuck about living with your parents, one thing that could help you is think of a back up plan. Do some research on appartements, think of what you would to move out, how etc. Without actually doing it. Just so that if the thought of living with your parents ever becomes unbearable, you can always feel assured that you could in fact leave at any moment, that it wouldn't take that much more effort. It reminds you that you have choices, and puts the control of your life right back into your hands which gives you more power. (At least, that's how I do it. It works pretty good and actually was useful a couple of time.)

B4dM1nd wrote:
But yeah, at least i got something good coming. My grades are not godawful so far so that a big plus. Im only missing the practical knowledge. I would be so happy to get even a trainee position someday so i will see what they REALLY are doing in this field...oh, and i heard that the actual programming phase is only about 20% of the total work what one project has. The rest 80% are testing, planning, managing etc etc. so that gives me a little hope.

It depends on what job you end up taking. Some are "grunt work", where all you do is the actual coding part of the project. The more responsabilities you take, the less you have to code.

I love programming, but I tend to dislike most programming job. I do however LOVE coding video games (I love having an immediate and visual feedback of my work, and the testing is quite fun).
There is sooo much you can do with programming, did you try different types of software ? Like regular softwares, maths programming, scripts, server scripting, video games, applications (for phones), web design, etc. They all have different way of tackling a problem and implementing it, so there might be a chance you might love one of these!

Apart from that, a computer programming job is pretty much regular: you're given a task, you write the code, test, adjust and then move on to the next task for 8 hours a day. It can be anything from exciting to boring, depending on the field, the work environment, the tasks at end.

You might not end up loving programming, but at the least, it's a nice comfortable job that is so variable that you can almost tailor it to your taste. You can even go the freelance route!

Sorry if my answer is too long, I hope it was at least helpful!



klausnrooster
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26 Jan 2015, 10:07 pm

See that doctor. Not that you need to, but it could be a great help and relief. The kind of 180 degree change of motivation you describe isn't necessarily going to go away. I know this guy who's over 50 and still has them. See him in the mirror every morning. The structure of school and/or a job is good for that - you do it even when you don't feel like it because you more-or-less have to. But I also recognize that "never say die" behavior and I want to stress that it can go too far. There are times when toughing it out can do more harm than good. I think a doctor could help you see whether you are crossing that line. If you're miserable, make a change. My first reply above isn't very encouraging sounding. But I wasn't being cavalier either. I think it's important when you're young to seek out variety and take your pleasure where you find it. And I don't think one's imagination or other's descriptions can substitute for experience. I'm not against a CS education either. My job title is not programmer, but I do a lot of it - almost every day. I have to do many other unrelated things, some quite mechanical, and it's nice to alternate. I recommend that kind of arrangement. So does this famous programmer, in this intro to Learn Python the Hard Way. Take GamerGirl up on her offer. The perspective she can give you is a least as valuable as the programming knowledge.



Undefined
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27 Jan 2015, 2:02 am

I can offer a few idea for learning programming.

First, just learn the framework you have to hang your commands on. It's like sentence structure, once you know what counts as a sentence then you're left fine tuning it.

Then once you know how the structure should be, find some functional code and break it, bend it, and tweak it. Start to feel how it responds when you change it. At this point you're only tweaking a program someone else made to make it do somewhat different things.

Then take some pre-assembled pieces of code and string them together to get an expected result. You're not writing them, just taking a box of parts and making them into something that you want them to do.

Then, once you understand more how format matters and doesn't, then write in a bit of your own rather than searching for something that will work. You'll have seen the format, you know how to fiddle with the commands, and you know where to look up the commands you need.

It won't ever be 100% easy, and no one's code is ever perfect. That's the reason why Software Quality Assurance (SQA) is a profession. It's also the reason why professional coders will always laugh at the phrase "My code works, I have no idea why/My code doesn't work, I have no idea why" Everyone deals with that, and some of the things you're being pushed into doing are things that you won't necessarily use frequently in a career. I knew G code like the back of my hand at one point. I could make a 5,000 lb robot make a part real from a drawing on paper. I could do the associated trig quickly on a calculator and keep my head wrapped around multiple 3d space reference points. Now I work at a company where SQL and data manipulation is king, and no one needs a robot programed with parametric equations, so I'm figuring it out by the steps above. It's still not easy, and I'm still learning a lot. But mastery takes time, and patience with yourself. I like the phrase that experience means that a master has failed more than a novice has tried.

I don't know if it helps, but it's just a system, just like a game is a system, or a car, or anything, you learn the system, you get better at making the results you want to happen.


And pardon the edit, but I got the mood swings and all that a lot in college too. I now chalk my experience up to stress and finite stamina for dealing with it. Also it sounds like setting a routine with emphasis and focus switching from class to class as assignments and exams happen is difficult. I can only suggest setting up a basic minimum and cutting yourself short of an all or nothing rush to get everything done. Yes it's great to get ahead, but I always ended up grinding myself down past reason doing it, and then finding myself unable to care the next day. *Shrug* You know you better than I though, so that's just my take on what I went through, and how the emotional pressure of school made me random.



aradesh
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27 Jan 2015, 5:26 am

GamerPrincess, it warms my heart to see such a kind response. Offering to help him with his studies and programming is so lovely :thumleft:

I think I struggle with getting useful information out of lessons myself too. During my degree I found myself in one of either two positions. Either already knowing everything that the lecture was about, in which case it was a fantastic refresher course, and I was an annoying clever-cloggs who corrected the lecturer all the time. The other position was that I didn't know the material, and I'd take notes, and the sole use of the notes was to let me know what I needed to learn on my own at home, and this generally turned out to be a waste of my time and I could have just been told what I needed to study rather than sit through a lecture where I didn't really absorb much.

Sorry B4dM1nd, I thought it sounded like you were from the UK. Good luck with your course!