When strangers ask questions...

Post Reply New Topic

I wasn't sure if this should go in the social skills or school category so I'll just stick it here.

I'm a freshman in college, and freshmen are usually required to live on-campus in the dorms. I, however, got a note from a doctor that it would be in the best interest of my mental health if I was allowed to live off-campus. So I have my own apartment. "What dorm are you in?" is a common conversational question around here. I just answer that I have an apartment, and I guess people usually assume I'm not a freshman. On the other hand, people who know I'm a freshman always want to know how I got around the rule. I start out with "just because," if that doesn't deter them, then "I'm special," most people stop there. But today at lunch a friend of a friend just kept asking, like he thought I was lying about having permission or something. He finally stopped and changed the subject when I said I have a doctor's note. He seems like a nice guy, just very outgoing and curious I guess. So, does anyone have suggestions for how to answer the question without seeming rude, but not having to announce to the world that I have a disorder? I'd just prefer that people got to know me before I tell them. That seems like a perfectly reasonable expectation. Thanks for the help

Maybe you can say something like - "Because it's probably best for everyone if I have my own place."

Good luck. Unfortunately, you will come across many more nosy people in your life.

There is nothing carved in stone that says that you HAVE to tell them anything. If you dont want to tell them about AS, just say that I have an accomadation. If they push further, just say that you prefer not to discuss it right now. If he keeps asking, just walk away. That person will get the hint there that you are not going to discuss it. If your friend does not respect your boundaries when you say that you dont want to discuss it, then you dont want him/her as a friend anyway cause your relationship will always be about that person pushing your boundaries. A bad friend is worse than no friend in many cases.

If you dont want to even tell them about the fact you have an accomidation, then you can just joke it off saying something like I got friends in high places, so something like that.
If he pushes further then just say, sorry, classified information.

I hope that helps, but if people you dont know start asking you detailed questions, do not...I repeat, do not answer them, just walk off. After the patriot act, we live in a suveilance society according to the ACLU, dont give people information that they dont need to know cause you have no idea what they are going to do with it.

Well, you can just ignore them or make appear that you did not hear them. Plus, it is none of their damn business anyway and that is the vibe you should give off.

Thanks, those were all helpful. For some reason I just couldn't think of anything else to say when it was happening. Once someone I know a little better than that guy kept asking, so I told her I had anxiety issues. That really shut her up. She was all embarrassed and said she apologized for being nosy. I didn't really mind telling her, but I waited til she asked a couple times to see if she was really curious or just making conversation. I don't know what they're expecting to hear. I like the "because it's best for everyone if I live by myself." Makes me sound a tad bit mysterious

Tell that person that it's personal.

Just say you live on your own. What's so wrong with that?

I guess because they wish they weren't forced to live in the dorms. Every problem I have with living in the dorms is related to AS, but I suspect their intentions are to be further away from adult supervision. People are just weird some times, I've just about given up on trying to understand their intentions and motivations.

this is tough. if you say you don't want to talk about it this might seem rude to some people even though it's perfectly reasonable. if you say anxiety issues or something people could react strangely too. they will wonder what's wrong and probably speculate about it behind your back.

you could say you have trouble concentrating because of the noise. do you also have ADD? people might react better to that as an explanation.

when i was in college (AS was unheard of at the time, and i had no idea what was wrong) i had to get my own room because i was put with a roommate who kept her television on all night and i couldn't tolerate it (or the way she treated me). i bet now a student with an AS diagnosis would have no trouble asking for the accommodation of living in a single room, but at the time i had to beg and deal with a lot of red tape. i did get my own room and it was the size of a prison cell. but no television i could hear.

As a joke, "I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you."
With a conspiratorial wink, "There are ways round every rule, and I used a doctor's note to get me into mine own place."
Wearing appropriately expensive designer gear, "Because I am independently wealthy."
Scarily, "The last time I had to share, they made me bury the corpses."
Genuinely, "I feel much happier living on my own, because I need the calm, and I got a doctor's note supporting me."

You will have to face questions like this all your life, so it is best to develop a standard attitude or persona, rather than a specific answer (I go with the last one).

i would say for example that i have sensory issues that would make it hard to live comfortably or anxiety/stress or whatever. gives them some inclination of why without telling them you are autistic

I appreciate this advice too. I live in a place that is ONLY for elderly or disabled people. A couple of people came out and asked, and when I told them I had psych issues they didn't want to talk to me anymore... my situation is probably worse, but yeah, I probably didn't have to tell them anything, just like how many of the young people that live here won't tell me what their issue is (I know better than to ask though).

I'm curious as to why you feel you can't just tell the truth. "I have Asperger's and need a more controlled environment" would suffice rather nicely. If that prevents a friendship then it is their loss not yours.

Hell, if I couldn’t lie, my life would be horribly confusing. In addition to being an important social skill, mastering the ability to innately drop a good lie is the only way to avoid a lot of uncomfortable questions. For example:

“Why do you get to live off campus?”

“Oh, I took a bunch of AP and community college classes in high school, I started school with sophomore credits and just applied for off campus residence. They approved me, cool, huh?”

That’s it. Done, no more question.

Society tries to teach us that “it’s wrong to lie.” Which is a lie itself. People lie constantly. It’s a natural part of human behavior. As a parent, I can promise you that infant’s who are not old enough to talk will try to lie to you with body language.

What people with ASD have trouble learning, is when it’s appropriate to lie! You can’t lie about everything. You can never lie to get an advantage. NT’s get a little offended if they know you will lie, but if the lie is about something socially uncomfortable, then it’s accepted that not only will somebody try to lie, they are excepted too. So it’s almost always acceptable to lie about medical conditions, money, sex, politics and religion – all of the things that NT’s consider taboo. Also, making up stories is fine - ever hear of Santa Claus? You also can lie about things that make you seem more important, as long as they are a little bit true. This is called puffery and is an expected social practice. That's why you find job descriptions for an Environmental Engineer, and the job is emptying trash cans.

It’s a normal and important skill and college is a great place to get practice.

f**k society. If people can't live with such a simple truth as "I have Asperger's" then they have a problem.

lol! Which is exactly the attitude that causes people with ASD so many problems.

In any social system, the majority determines what is right and what is wrong. If you as an individual refuse to conform to what the majority tells you to do, you will be punished, banished or worse. Refusing to live by the rules of society will never be a benefit to yourself. It only creates more problems and makes your life harder.

In 1993, I was an 18 year old kid who had just flunked my first semester of college. I had already flunked out of high school. I was very good at flunking, because I refused to live by societies rules. I was a skinny, unbathed kid with an afro-mullet wearing a denim jacket with a picture I hand drew on the back of knight wielding an axe and cutting the American Flag in half. I was sitting in my rusted out 1984 Dodge Omni eating a ham lunchable and drinking a Mt. Dew. It was cold and raining. At that moment, it dawned on me that I was a Loser. A capital "L", worthless, piece of garbage who would never do anything more important than knock up some random skank and then spend the rest of my life angry and paying child support for a brat I would never care about. Nobody liked me. Nobody cared what I did. Nobody understood a darn thing I did or why I did it.

Yay me. I had won. I had proven to Society that I would not play by their rules. And what in God's name was the benefit to me???


So in that moment, I changed my entire perspective. Instead of beating myself up and proving how much I could take, how low I could be, I would beat "THEM". I would beat society at it's own game. Instead of being just another loser, burnout drone, I was going to be the guy who out-smarted all those smug popular kids and be richer, with a bigger family, and happier then them!

I started by doing two things different. I went to class, and I did my homework. That's all. My second semester of college I was on the Dean's List.

Eventually I got my chip off my shoulder. I realized that my core problem was that I don't understand other people, and they don't understand me. Because of that, I fell into a pattern of rebelliousness, which is common for a teenager. As I got older I also began to mature. Like most people with AS, parts of my personality mature at different rates. While I've been an intellectual "little professor" since I was an infant, emotionally I'm barely in my mid 20's even today when I'm chronologically almost 40.

What I realized is that it doesn't matter if I prove how much of a rebel I am. It also doesn't matter if I could somehow change the world and force Society to accept me. They won't.

The only thing that matters is that I get what I want. If I want money, I need to take a bath, get along with people, and do a good job. If I want a wife, I need to treat her with respect. It's not hard to figure out cause and effect. The fact that people don't understand me or that I'm prone to saying exactly the wrong thing to say becomes less relevant as I learn rules - like "don't say anything!" Being quiet is better than being unemployed.


As people with ASD, we need to learn how to play by Societies rules. They will not change to accommodate us. If we want to be more than a welfare case, we have to do what we can to fit in. Like learning how to lie when we are expected too.