I remember my parents telling me I had lead poisoning as a baby. And Lead Poisoning can cause permanent brain damage. I know for a fact that I had no family history of illness. So the lead poison, lead to my disability. That must mean I was born normal. I don't know WHEN I was diagnosed with Autism, but I know I was told that I couldn't speak until I was around 4 years old, I think. That's one symptom of HFA. Over my school years, teachers have told me that I was very bright, however, some people with Aspergers are intelligent people. Even my classmates praised me, for answering every math problem right. I was teased constantly, I was called ret*d so much, that I've become to believe I'm ret*d. The school's placed me in special education programs, so wait, if I'm special, I must be ret*d. I never heard of Asperger's until the 6th grade, but I've never researched it until I was 18 years old, then it really hit me on the head. That everything I've done, said, my whole life points to Autism. I had interests in the strangests things, the first I can remember is Telekinesis. I saw it on an episode of Pokemon, and even found instructions online on how to bend a spoon with your mind. I love researching about the most random things, when I'm really bored, but never understood why I chose to research "A" of all topics.
I'm black, but I'm the only black person who acts like a white person. I don't listen to gangster rap. I don't talk like those stereotypical ghetto folk. And not to be judgemental, I tend to avoid those types of people, as most of them come off as rude, rowdy and disrespectful. I know a characteristic of AS is that the person desires to fit in. Well, back in school that was me. I would do anything to please others. I would change my lifestyle, listen to music other people listen to, dress up like people, do the same stunts NTs would do. Hell, I would even go to myspace just because everyone's doing it. Back in high school, Laguna Beach on MTV was the only educational tool I had. I wanted to behave like those girls, that's exactly what the girls in school were like. I had to imitate their lifestyle. None of that ever worked.
Now I'm out of high school, and because I've been teased, yelled at my whole life, I've stopped trusting in people. I've stopped talking to others. I gave up socializing. Now my social life belongs in an MMO.
Ever since I made the discovery that I have AS, I wanted the cure. My life was torture. Try having difficulty keeping a job, or people call you stupid, or ret*d, try being told that you're worthless and cannot do anything right.
I know a symptom of HFA is withdrawal. With no desire to socialize with others. Now I've lost that desire. I don't try to make friends anymore.
I don't know what I have, AS, or HFA. I know that it's not the same thing, and I don't really know much of a difference. I don't recall myself "stimming". I don't flap my arms, or rock my body or anything like that.
What am I?
25 Feb 2011, 12:05 pm
