"I have Asperger's" is no excuse.
I think they should be trying to teach them some skills and how to behave and how to handle things.
Phonic
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Last edited by Phonic on 27 May 2011, 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Scenario A:
Aspie is talking with NT 1 and NT 2. Aspie is making an effort to contribute to the discussion and not say anything too far from expectation or understanding. Unfortunately, NT 1 says something to Aspie that Aspie completely misses and just continues on with the discussion as if NT 1 never said anything at all. Both NT 1 and NT 2 think this is really obnoxious or weird of Aspie, and Aspie is completely unaware that it even happened. If Aspie ever has a chance to explain, Aspie would be able to apologize and explain that sometimes moments in a discussion are completely missed, it's unintentional and please don't ever take offense.
Scenario B:
Aspie is talking with NT 1 and NT 2. Aspie is distracted and not really making an effort to talk to either of these people because they are going off-topic so often and aren't even discussing Aspie's special interest. Aspie insists on bringing up the special interest as much as possible so that the three of them can discuss something interesting. NT 1 and NT 2 are not very happy and form a negative opinion about Aspie. When given the opportunity to explain the behavior, Aspie claimed that Aspergers makes it completely okay to behave this way.
In my opinion, Scenario A is acceptable and Scenario B is not. If I'm understanding the OP's context correctly, Scenario B would be the matching hypothetical for this topic, not Scenario A.
It depends on the level of functioning of the person with Asperger's. To me Scenario B is showing a lower level functioning than Scenario A. As someone who is effectively mute and encouraged to talk more in conversations by my NT coworker counterparts(...back when I was working...), I would probably look more like Scenario B as I participate more. What matters is when the person with Asperger's doesn't care and breaks rules even when s/he knows better. I personally feel that it's inappropriate to make blanket statements about what is and what isn't acceptable without regard to the person's functioning.
The scenario I pictured when I read the OP was with regard to the issue of "white lies."
I interpreted the OP as aspies who are intentionally rude or don't even care if something is considered rude so they do it anyway and say it's their AS. Same as aspies who refuse to try and work on stuff like trying to not talk about their obsessions so much and trying hard to stay on topic.
Okay in scenario B if the aspie didn't know they were breaking the conversation social rules, all they can do is go "oh sorry" but if they thought their behavior was okay, it is using it as an excuse. But they aren't using it as an excuse if they go "oh sorry" and then explain that they were trying to have a conversation with them and they didn't realize they were getting irritated with them. That is how I saw scenario B. I saw it as the aspie thinking their behavior was acceptable and okay because of their AS than apologizing for it. I saw it as the aspie does not want to work on it.
I tend to assume the bizarre things are sarcasm. The humor is in going to the extreme.
Thanks and good advice but I always want to be sure. I always hope it's sarcasm. Same as when people say something is an excuse for something, I assume they are using irony.
If someone said that to me I would say "OK, I understand, I have Asperger's as well, but it would be nice if you tried your best to be polite, I know it's hard". I wouldn't say "f*** yourself" like you thing you should. Saying "F yourself" would be rude, just like they are being. You wouldn't be setting a good example.
And as others have said, aspies are not usually intentionally rude.
Last edited by ocdgirl123 on 27 May 2011, 6:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I think they should be trying to teach them some skills and how to behave and how to handle things.
That is what they are supost to do, I got to a special ed school. Adult special school at that.
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I meant it as a compliment because I was really impressed with the detailed work on something so small and precise, but that "little" made it condescending and insulting. And there was no walking it back.
There's a million things I know I could say today to help make it better... but I'd never say, "I have AS, I can't help it."
I still have trouble with eye contact. I stare too much. People believe...or I perceive people to believe that I'm... what's the word? My head isn't working right right now...the sexual stare look... (I guess I have dysnomia...) Yeah well... woman have a tendency to think I'm staring at them sexually. So I stopped staring at them. They still have a tendency to think that. I don't understand it. I think it has something to do with avoiding eye contact. Now I make a point to only watch men. (My version of social interaction is watching other people interact...) I let it slip in my 12-step group that my sister was a homosexual. They're eyeing me now. I can tell they think I'm gay (which isn't that far from the truth but that's besides the point...) They think I'm staring at them sexually too...
Of course my head might just be doing weird things right now and all this is paranoia... But I feel like this all the time. I don't see any alternative other than saying, "I'm autistic." And if they accept it great. If not I'll just have to keep going, Well the only other alternative I see you don't want to hear...
Am I the only one who thinks the term "High Functioning" in HFA is a cruel joke? Although to be honest, my therapist never used "high-functioning." He hesitated a moment and said, "mid-functioning." Maybe I'm expecting too much...
Ignorance was bliss. It was soo much better when I was oblivious...
Well, Seph, I'm high-functioning so I don't really consider it a joke. Both my son and I have been classified as "very high functioning"... which... again... I cannot wait for the new DSM so all this "low/mid/high/very high" crap stops. It's very convoluted and confusing. None of these terms have absolute meaning. That will change.
Have you tried looking in a mirror and practicing different looks? If you spend the time practicing facial expressions and attempting to make your eyes look differently when they're looking at someone, you might be able to start controlling how you look at others. Watch how an actor looks at someone in a movie... how he looks, then looks away, then looks back and then looks away again. Decipher the pattern and then use it again in the mirror. Keep practicing until you think you can duplicate it without looking in the mirror.
The 12-step group being what it is, you might want to say that you're autistic and explain the trouble that you have with people misunderstanding you, even just from looking at people. Explain that you're trying a mirror trick that some crazy woman on the internet suggested and ask for their help and ideas on how to do things differently. You might get some good advice. If you can context it to say that your autism isn't a big thing, it's some little things that just make you different enough to make people exclude you, they might understand you better. I say this because this is a 12-step group. The rules about support, understanding and discretion could provide the security you'd need that others just wouldn't have in different situations.
I'm constantly tip toeing on eggshells because of my impulsive tongue says something that is taken the wrong way. But when I do apolgise for it people think I was being serious.
Then I get in such a state of mind that I do say things that are rude but it's kind of like a trance state of hyperactivity. It's like I don't take anything serious and just want to have fun and say things without thinking them through. It's a type of mental burnout too. I think it more of an ADHD/ODD thing though and it does become tiring when it happens.
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Then I get in such a state of mind that I do say things that are rude but it's kind of like a trance state of hyperactivity. It's like I don't take anything serious and just want to have fun and say things without thinking them through. It's a type of mental burnout too. I think it more of an ADHD/ODD thing though and it does become tiring when it happens.
This sounds familiar to me, although when I do whatever I do that this reminds me of, I tend to sound really mean if taken seriously. Fortunately, people who know me don't usually, but I realize what comes out of my mouth and wonder just where it came from.
Then I get in such a state of mind that I do say things that are rude but it's kind of like a trance state of hyperactivity. It's like I don't take anything serious and just want to have fun and say things without thinking them through. It's a type of mental burnout too. I think it more of an ADHD/ODD thing though and it does become tiring when it happens.
This sounds familiar to me, although when I do whatever I do that this reminds me of, I tend to sound really mean if taken seriously. Fortunately, people who know me don't usually, but I realize what comes out of my mouth and wonder just where it came from.
Sometimes I will say things and it just comes right out as if it was a tic. I say it without thinking and right away i realize "oops" and it's embarrassing. But I move on quickly when no one is upset by it. I still say sorry if I knew it was rude like if I call someone fat. I used to have these slip ups all the time as a kid but occupational therapy helped. Now I do it a lot less.
Sometimes I tick off people but usually I make them laugh. It has to do with my obsessions. I'm usually the quietest person but sometimes I can over-talk about it or try to dominate the conversation and I can't stop myself and keep on going and going like the "Duracell Bunny". What's worse is I repeat myself many times (because I get excited) and/or I kind of forget that I already said it or I just get stuck or I talk too fast (and loud) to make up for the little talking I usually do. It annoys some people. But 90% of the time I do the least talking.
Last edited by Kon on 27 May 2011, 11:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Verdandi
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Yeah. I've done this. I never had any therapy to not do it, but over time I've cut down. I still do it every now and then, but I am significantly less likely to, say, reveal something humiliating about someone right in front of them. Which has happened.
Probably reasonable to have learned something by 41...
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