Married to an Aspie - thinking of divorce

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No. But at 19, yes.

No. I spent all my money on books and spent my lunchhours reading them in hidden places until the bell rang and all the bullies had gone inside. At 23. when I moved out of the house I started spending all my money on a girl - not because money was buying me love, but because she convinced me to let her move in and started buying a wider bed, a new couch, pets and pet toys....

Yes.
Repeatedly.
Until I was 25 and my dad stopped buying me cars and paying my insurance.
I haven't had a car since, and failed to renew my license. I haven't been legally allowed to drive since I was 27. Incidently, I think it was for the best, considering my driving record.

Ps- I didn't know what the F$#% was wrong with me until I was 32. That's when I came across the truth about ASDs and realized I'm sane! Thank god almighty. My parents never bothered trying to get me (or themselves) help. Which is the only thing I hold against them.

What he needs is a job.

What he needs is someone to show him the costs and responsabilities of living on his own. The job = social contact + his own money... and maybe a chance to move out someday. I was a virgin until I was 23, if that's something else you're worried about (and it sounds like you might be) and I turned out decent. I never even had a date until I was 21. It doesn't make me less human.

Push him out into the workplace - stop subsidizing his video games (if you are) or his driving, or his anything except basic food and shelter. I wouldn't say this for all Aspies, but for yours (who seems a lot like me) I do.

Last edited by OddFiction on 25 Jul 2011, 8:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

thank you for your response I don't wish to be disrespectful or keep going back and forth...i was really just trying another avenue for help...I've spent hours reading and never posted before now...again thank you. I think my Aspie is not even close to where so many on this site are.

[quote="NTinahousew3AS]
thank you for your response I don't wish to be disrespectful or keep going back and forth...i was really just trying another avenue for help...I've spent hours reading and never posted before now...again thank you. I think my Aspie is not even close to where so many on this site are.[/quote]


I still say what you need to do is think about yourself and your own needs more often.
I really don't understand what you mean by the above? Did I just run you off posting?

I still say what you need to do is think about yourself and your own needs more often.
I really don't understand what you mean by the above? Did I just run you off posting?[/quote]

Gently and honestly yes...no disrespect but I don't think anyone truly understands the depth of the world I am living in and the pain it causes. I have done everything and that includes doing for myself but the fact of the matter is I still come home to things not being taken care of and they are serious this like seizure meds not given to a child who does not know better. I've put aides in place, education in place, lists, visual reminders, timers, you name it I've done it...given up my office to work full time from home so we have support to get our severly autistic child off and on the bus and be home on days he has no school. Now because of 23A work hours (job that he got through Division of Voc Rehab) he is now home in the moring which now interfers with me doing my job because I'm here...I just dont' want to disrespect anyone I really don't, I'm just overwhelmed and hurt and frustrated and had hoped someone could give me a morsal of help. I see my counselor tonight but the bottom line is I have a choice to stay or go no other that I can see. It hurts more than I could ever put into words. So i truly hope that I have not offened you in any way, I just feel alone.

Hey there. It sounds like your aspie son is depressed. I live on my own (am 23), and have lived partially on my own since 17 (gap year and university) and completely on my own from 20 (last year of university, parents paid my rent) since then a combination of work/ out of work benefits.

As a child I was perfectly tidy, did a lot of housework, was a total mini-adult. As a teenager, I stopped taking care of my appearance, gained weight, my room became a disorganised mess. No-one noticed the signs, everyone assumed I was just being a teenager, until I became so depressed I couldn't move and lost everything I cared about ( I was at a very prestigious university but ended up having to retake twice and getting a very low grade in the end due to severe depression), which is devastating because academic stuff was all I really cared about.

Anyway, the point of that story was that what you see as laziness might actually be your son falling into depression. Telling him what to do and admonishing him for being lazy is likely to perpetuate that cycle. Sadly, being understanding and helping him may also hurt his pride and make him feel worse. Living with your mother at 23 must be painful, when most people your age have moved out and got jobs, some of them decent paid graduate jobs. If his meds are for depression they really aren't working.

It doesn't sound like your tiredness comes from doing too much housework, it sounds like it comes from the terror of what happens if you drop the ball re meds.

If I were you I'd try to get him to choose his own therapist, to take responsibility for getting help himself, and let him refuse meds if he really doesn't want to take them- they have to be his choice, he is an adult!

Fair enough. I thought you said that he was faking NT specifically. The things you mention I can relate to, however.

At 23... well I may have known what a booty call was but I never expected it to actually happen. And I'm pretty sure I didn't really learn about that until 19 or so either, thinking it was some kind of teen bragging or urban legend.

I did spend all my money on people to get them to like me up until I was 20. Hell, I caught myself doing it again when I was 28 . With our poor understanding of social skills, I find that I often either completely forget to be polite, or can go waaay overboard. It's something I always have to watch.

For my car, I checked all my basic fluids as my parents taught me to many, many times. My transmission went out twice though because, while I was good with break fluid and coolant, I would go years without remembering to check the transmission fluid (or remembering that you had to check it while the engine was running...). And replacing a transmission is a 2k+ affair.

I've had a lot of bills go to collections. Even so, I have a good credit score. This, because I know I miss things and always keep something in reserve to bail myself out. I've become a bit paranoid about stashing a bit of money away to fall back on when something comes out of the blue. I put money down for bills a year in advance because I know if I go month to month I'll be late with every payment.

I'm 30 and can't balance a checkbook, but that's all right because I have a rule about spending as little as possible - and know that as long as I spend less than I make I'll come out ahead. At work I can budget and plan and make numbers sing, but for myself I'm still completely weird. I can somehow still manage like that.

Anyone who sees my systems (or, sometimes, the lack of) gets completely lost. I look hopeless and it seems like I couldn't possibly be making it. But I do and, to date, I've done it very well. So they call me lost, or eccentric, or a mad genius.

A lot of the ways NTs cope are pointless to me. A lot of the ways I cope seem pointless to NTs. There's a huge difference there and gap in understanding. Yet a lot of NT's are 'managing' things their way but are in debt, loosing their mortgages, defaulting on their car payments. I'm not. Because the way I do things have failsafes upon failsafes built in. Just in case.

No, but that suggests some boundary issues that may need to be addressed.



No, but I blew a lot of money on things that weren't particularly necessary, and probably typical of a teenager to spend money on.



Yes, quite a few times. This is called "behaving like a teenager" or acting like an irresponsible adult. Even if he is 23 years old. It's not just an AS thing either, NTs are just as capable of letting someone else deal with the fallout for their irresponsibility.



He sounds like he's acting like a teenager. He may require some help, but probably not nearly the amount of help you're giving him now.

Get a therapist. As irresponsible a teenager I was, my mom's biggest problem was taking responsibility for way too much at work, to the point where it was taking its toll healthwise. The therapist helped her separate her responsibilities from all the other BS she was dealing with, and it helped her circumvent a lot of the stress. Reading your posts, you need a therapist for you, and I'm not saying that as an insult. There are some patterns that need to be broken in that household, and the only person who sees a major problem is you. A therapist will help you figure out how to break some of those patterns, and get some of your life back.

Last edited by Buck-oh on 25 Jul 2011, 9:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes he is depressed and has meds which have recently been changed and yes he is an adult but only by years...he does not think like an adult nor take any of the responsibility that we insist that he takes....he makes poor choices that impact the family and since he is financially incapable of moving out this is our situation. thank you for your response off of meds or on meds he takes no responsiblity independantly he hasn't progressed and very honestly just stays in his room unless he has to go to work. I know you couldn't possibly understand everything from snipets of posts. I not worried about the housework, I'm worried about what will happen to him if he continues not to put effort into his life.

I've done this...trust me I have no problem telling him like it is...but at the end of the day when I've done all that you suggested (and I have) he still doesn't...remeber my orignal subject line "thinking about divorce" i didn't come to this thought without 12 years of fighting for my marriage or doing exactly what you say. I've studied AS until I'm blue in the face, worked with professionals...the bottom line is I'm still alone. I've even started writing a book with a friend who's nephew is Aspie and I've written a theraphy book for children K-6...sound like someone with no backbone? I challenge everyone who doesn't do what is needed for my family...what I'm saying is I am tired, need my husband to help and on a consistant basis and the reality I seem to be faced with is that he is not able to do this...makes my heart break. I can't take anit-depresssents I allergic to just about every bloody thing on the market so I have to manage through other means...today it's this forum and tears while I work. Who knows what tomorrow will be...oh and friends, I've lost all of those because they don't understand my life.

His meds clearly aren't working- which they often don't for autistic people, and given that that's the case, he clearly can't help the way he is behaving. There have been times in my life when I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed if the house was on fire, and I know many bright, successful people who have experienced the same, sometimes for years of their life.

You don't sound like you are being very positive about him. To be honest, these sort of comments indicate to me that you are creating a fairly toxic and painful environment for someone who is pretty depressed. Even if you aren't saying this to his face, the fact that you are willing to talk here and talk to his father about him that way, suggests to me that you don't have enough respect for him. And I am sorry but you cannot wait for him to do something "worthy" of respect to respect him. If you don't respect him and think well of him the way he is, he won't have the emotional resources to improve himself.

I think he needs to go somewhere to be away from you, possibly supported accommodation or similar if that is the only option. I think being with family is often the worst thing for mentally ill people- that's the environment in which they became ill.

If you're thinking about making a life changing decision like divorce, a therapist is going to have a much better grasp on your situation than the internet.

A therapist may not save your marriage, but one might be able to save you from a lot of unneeded stress.

Thank you I see a therapist weekly...this was yet another especially bad weekend and it's my only free time so thank you...I do appreciate the input

He has a job, I require rent, he has a checking account, he's been playing the same game for over 5 years, I enable him in no way, I have visual reminders for meds, alarms, wall schedule, you name it we have given him the tools and he refuses to use them, so he goes to work comes home and then goes out with and makes really bad choices which i do not bail him out of so he went without a car for more than a year until he had to take a loan from me which he pays me monthly on time or he is charged a late fee, same with rent he is charged a late fee if he forgets. I am not providing anything more than basic, he has to do his laundry, iron his clothes, clean the bathroom he uses...but someone please tell me what to do when they REFUSE TO USE THE TOOLS AND YOU HAVE TO LEAD THEM BY THE HAND EVEN HAVE TO SAY PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS WHEN YOUR DONE IN THE BATHROOM AND DON'T TOUCH THE FOOD AFTER HOLDING YOUR p$&^% BECAUSE IT'S GROSS! Sorry but I'm desprately trying to let everyone know that I'm not an enabling parent or wife...I go to a therapist I've exhausted my life for the people I love.

My mother is NT and my father's an Aspie, and they have a better marriage than most NT couples I've seen.

It's not impossible for a 'mixed marriage' to work. They can have some challenges that AS-AS and NT-NT couples don't, but also some strengths. (AS-AS would really struggle at dealing with the rest of the world, NT-NT really struggle at raising autistic kids, etc.)

The forgetting of meds and other issues don't sound to me like he's being irresponsible or lazy - sounds more like executive dysfunction. I can only remember to take meds when I'm symptomatic, I'm chronically stopping anti-biotics early even though I know full well why that's a bad idea, simple because as soon as my symptoms disappear I start forgetting to take them. I feel lucky that I don't have a condition like epilepsy or the responsibility for medicating someone like that.

Executive dysfunction is present in autistics, ADHDers and many other neurologically atypical people. It's a problem with self-regulating behavior - stopping, starting, 'remembering to remember', sense of time, planning, controlling impulses, etc. It can wreak havoc on self-care and parenting skills even in a high functioning person.

In some cases meds such as Ritalin can improve executive functions, but not always. What seems most important is to learn strategies for cuing the right behavior. This is part of why many autistics are so obsessed with routine, because that's the only way they can know what they need to do next. But routine doesn't always work. Most important would be if you can get your husband to start figuring out strategies that would work for him to do some of the stuff.

I'm not sure if I completely understand what you said about your husband's awareness. Is he unaware of the possibility of him being on the spectrum? Or is he aware but insisting he's not because he doesn't want to believe it?

One thing that might help is to refer to the information about the broader autistic phenotype. Basically, even if they don't meet criteria for AS/autism, many parents of autistics have 'subthreshold' autistic traits (about a third of parents with two or more kids on the spectrum). I was really reluctant to label myself with a disability when I first starting recognizing my autistic traits, but thinking of myself as BAP enabled me to start using autistic coping strategies without calling myself autistic. Gradually I got comfortable with the thought and started referring to myself as 'possibly autistic' instead of BAP, and then I ended up seeking out an official diagnosis.

Another comment: I find when everyone else is working hard at housework-type stuff, I get overloaded and can't help. But when I'm alone sometimes I'll find I can do a bunch of housework completely on impulse. I remember recently we moved to a new house, and I contributed much less to packing the U-Haul and then hauling stuff inside than anyone else did. Then my parents left me to sleep alone in our new house on the couch, because I was exhausted. I slept a bit, but couldn't stay sleeping because of the unfamiliarity of the place. Sitting there, I spontaneously decided to start unpacking stuff and ended up doing a sizeable amount of work picking out stuff from boxes and putting it away.

lol

If there's one thing I haven't picked up in learning to communicate with others, it's distinguishing the difference between when people actually want advice (or someone to "fix" their problems") and when they just want someone to listen while they figure out their problems. I think the ratio is somewhere along the lines of "want advice": 1% and "want someone to listen": 99%.

I hope you and your therapist can come up some solutions to save you from burnout, divorce or not. It sounds like you emotionally have one foot outside the door already (and that's pretty difficult to turn around). If your husband and you can make it work, great. If you need to walk away so that you can devote your energy to the child who requires it the most (and keep your sanity) then it's something you need to do.



If only you knew how many guys I've observed not washing their hands after using a urinal, even in fast food restaurants where it's pretty much a sure bet they won't be eating with utensils.

Thank you I appreciate your honesty..communication is hard for many not just AS individuals...both my parents are NT and neither have successful marriages 3 times over. I am emotionally drained and just really had hoped to find something that I haven't already read, asked, talked about...oh and I know very well how many "people in general" don't wash there hands it's just gross...guess that's my OCD showing Thank you again, not sure where this will all end up.