Married to an Aspie - thinking of divorce

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I think I kind of agree with the people who think you are trying to take too much responsibility, and then getting annoyed because the rest of your family doesn't. I've seen this situation before, and it's not really anybody's fault per se; it just kind of starts slowly and then snowballs.

You do need help. Nobody should have to do all of the work in a house--it's too much; families are supposed to be cooperative. But it's going to take a while to change that, and getting mad at them for not pitching in isn't going to help.

I don't know if Asperger's is relevant here. Maybe it is, to some extent, because they can't understand your non-verbal cues that say "I'm tired and want help," and you are used to not asking them.

Autistic adults are usually independent; and if they are living in their parents' houses, usually do their own housework and self-care. Profoundly disabled adults are the exception, but from what you're saying, your children and husband are nowhere near that. If there are things they truly can't do for themselves, then that's different, but I'm willing to bet that either they can do those things for themselves, or they can learn. An occupational therapist might be helpful if they have trouble with learning.

One thing I see in these sorts of situations is that the person doing all the work has not just gotten used to doing all the work, but also used to having it all done the way they want it done (because they're the one doing it). Sometimes when changing this state of affairs, it can be very difficult for this person to let go of the control they had in the past over the affairs of the household, however tired and overworked they were; and that can result in them trying to micromanage the others or re-do the work they already did. Do all you can to resist that impulse. If your family is not allowed to do their own work--or leave it undone and suffer the messy consequences--then they will grow discouraged and stop trying to do it.

Make sure you know the difference between "Able to do something whenever they want," "Able to do something when prompted or when not under stress," and "Not able to do something most of the time." It's entirely likely for an autistic person to be able to do something sometimes, but not always; or to be able to do it, but not initiate it. If you have seen someone do something once, that doesn't mean they'll be able to do it whenever they want to. They may need reminders--up to multiple alarms--to remind them to do things. I use a pretty intricate system of alarms, reminders, schedules, and calendars to keep myself on track and my apartment clean--if they haven't worked on getting one of their own, they may be depending on you to prompt them. You don't want that--you want them to arrange their own prompts.

Above all, stress constantly that what you want to do is have the family work together harmoniously, and change things slowly, one thing at a time. Work together with them to change it--let them say what they want things to be like. If you have Aspies in the house you'll know we don't like unpredictability or change; so make sure everyone knows what will change and how. It's easier to cope with that way.

Ok I want to say thank you...after all this posting I don't think this is the forum for me. I don't want to offend and social communciation can be confusing and since I live with 3 on the spectrum my fear as an NT is that I will say or do something that will hurt. I'm at an emotionally raw place and thought this might help. I have always been hesitant. I wish you well and thank everyone very much for your replies, and suggestions...nothing has fallen on deaf ears. I just think I should not participat. Again thank you.

I am an NT married to an Aspie, too. I also manage everything, and I also feel like I cannot take it anymore from time to time. We have an Aspie daughter. Right now we are working on independence together with her therapist, and I have realized that most of their dependance is my fault. If they cannot do or do noy want to do something I just go and do it myself. And when they do something wrong I go and fix it myself. I put everything on me MYSELF. You have to let them take responsibility of themselves, and fix what they did wrong themselves or they will never learn and will never change. Threatening your husband will not work. For some reason Aspies do not respond good to threatening. They just cannot process it. What you have to do is assign responsibilities to our husband and help him remember them. They take a long time to introduce new chores to their routines, specially things they do noy want to do, so you will have to be patient. If you can get a physical way of reminding him his duties (schedule, app, something he can SEE), it will work better. And if he does something wrong let him fix his mess. He will probably fail a couple times, but will get better with time. And try not to get mad at him. They do not react well to that, either. Good luck!

I'm an aspie married to an NT; both in our mid 40s, and we don't have any kids. Honestly, I don't think any other woman could stand to have me around, but my wife is just that special one who does. I have my routines which could drive anyone nuts. Very weird routines, such as the fact that I collect and restore old Cold War era air raid sirens, and I have to be home on the last Friday of every month, to sound a siren at noon. I guess it boils down to what kinds of stress you can deal with, and what kinds will drive you away. We run a business together, and have dozens (literally dozens) of pets with various ailments and weird problems, which we have rescued. We both feel run to our limits now & then, with too many responsibilities. But somehow it's all worth it with no question, and I think that's mutual between my wife and me. Sometimes we get in a discussion about how many times I need to clean up after pets, and we have to plan our days around insulin shots for dogs, and hormone pills for cats & horses, and stuff like that, which is VERY taxing on the personal life.

We work together to make all this fall in place, and that's how we cope with it. If only one of us were to put the effort forward, it could not last.

Not knowing you personally, I can't offer any opinions or advice, other than to follow your gut feelings. If you're in love with your husband, please try to find common ground with the family situation, and save what you have together. If you have indeed become a mother to him, and the flame is out, then maybe some changes are needed.

Best wishes to you & family to get things worked out one way or the other, asap.

Charles

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Well it's obvious not all of this is over aspergers. He just isn't grateful period. Not all aspies are like that by the way.

Is that show Wife Swap still on? Maybe he needs to understand just how good he really has it.

The reason I asked if he was also a mama's boy is I know of a couple where the male was a mama's boy and the wife just does EVERYTHING! He doesn't have aspergers but he gets to do anything he wants which is not take care of the kids period.

Maybe you two should get a divorce and you take care of the severely autistic child because he's not lifting a finger. 22 and 23 year olds are not babies and I resent how society keeps pushing up the age to treat adults like they are still infants.

This has been a fascinating Topic because it encapsulates the aspie/nt struggle and the posts have been so open handed.

[quote="BassMan_720"] These rules are fart to subtle and complex for my AS mind to rationalise. quote]

Typo, I am guessing

I love my husband very much but being married to someone with AS if draining. My husband can walk right past trash on the ground and say he didn't see it. I just don't know if this is true or he just doesn't care enough to pick it up. I feel like if I could just understand what the truth and the facts were, maybe I would no longer take his lake of attention to detail for things important to me as such a personal affront. I can't even point out something without him getting uber defensive. I've heard many say that it's like having to be your husbands mother and I have certainly felt that way at times. We have been married nearly 7 years and if I had no other stress, I think I could handle his differences without feeling alone in my marriage, without feeling like the foundation, without feeling like everything's on my shoulders. I don't feel like any change is ever a lasting change and truth be told, I'm depressed and although I really don't want to give up, I'm exhausted and feel like I'm just going to break in half at any time. My young son also demonstrates symptoms and I'm trying to get him ready for kindergarten...alone... We are Christians and I believe God put us together but I just don't understand why he doesn't try to overcome these obstacles. It makes me feel like I'm not important enough for him to change although I don't believe he feels this way. I think he's just stuck in his symptoms, ways, and patterns and just cannot break himself of these things. No less, that doesn't make up for the lack of my needs being addressed in our marriage. Am I asking too much?