Jekyll and Hyde

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Sometimes I feel this way about myself.

I see myself thinking, doing and saying things that are toattly jerky. I also see myself calm and collected, kind, caring and generous.

I really wish I could stamp out the Hyde. It totally sucks. Maybe I have a split personality, or just terrible mood swings >_<

By myself I feel calm and sane but when I start communicating with people I
totalily lose that since of calm. And frankly people think I'm insane but its just I have
no idea how to commucate with people.

You can't "stamp out the Hyde." It's a part of who you are. You have to integrate that part of yourself into the whole. The first step is to accept that part of yourself as an important and valuable part. To do this, you must be less judgmental. When you become less judgmental and more accepting of yourself and all of your parts, you will be less judgmental and more accepting of others.

The stereotypical example is the ST episode where Cpt. Kirk is split into two parts. Neither could function with full effectiveness without the other. The aggressive part is necessary for behaviors like standing up to bullies, pursuing a woman, and protecting the women and children. The submissive, yielding part is necessary for being pursued and nurturing the young and the old and elderly. It is the aggressive that explores and discovers and takes and destroys. It is the submissive that creates and gives and feathers the nest and accepts things as they are.

Denial is counter-productive to the process of integrating these two aspects of ourselves. With time and practice, we learn when to stand and when to yield. Be patient (yielding) but persistent (aggressive).

My personality seems to be made up of contradictions, I can be warm and chatty but also cold and angry!

This is the key, it's not just about accepting yourself, you also have to manage yourself, learn to save your anger for the moment you need it, learn to bring out the calm side of you at your command. It's all about controlling your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you. See, we aspies are driven by emotions, just like the NTs.

Know thyself ! !! It's the best thing you can do with your time.

Once you accept that part of yourself and recognize it, you have a chance to control it, instead of it controlling you. If you remain in denial, you haven't got a chance.

I remember that ST episode (The Enemy Within). People who are effective learn to let both halves of their personality work together. Without the Hyde part, Kirk was weak, indecisive and powerless to stop anything from happening. Without the Jerkyl part, he would have become intolerant, reckless and violent, ultimately leading to his own demise and that of the entire USS Enterprise and the crew.

As Mr. Spock comments, the key to an effective person is letting both halves of the personality come together and work with each other. Without one half of the personality, a person is in grave danger. People were not meant to be entirely good or entirely evil, but both parts are essential for existance.

Balance and control are important. Emotions are very powerful. Release their power at the wrong time and you have a recipe for destruction on your hands. Let your emotions guide you when it is necessary and you can do great things. It is all a matter of knowing what is wisest.

In Aspergers there is what they call manic mind states

It's difficult to accept personality traits which bring unhappiness for yourself and for others.

It does not necessarily bring unhappiness for me to say "No," it just requires assertiveness. Lack of assertiveness will bring unhappiness.

Well I can't speak for Hale_bopp, but I suspect she has a similar problem to me:

I have a very clear idea of how I would like the world to be. Part of that is that I'd like everyone to be as happy as they can. And I'd like people to feel confident and supported and free to do their own thing.

I hold this concept at an ideological level.

The problem is that, in reality, my words and actions are often aggressive, negative and confusing. My brain doesn't have the speed or capacity to think about what I'm going to say and assess it against the criterea before the words start coming out of my mouth. And even though deep-down I want to be nice, most often I come across as an awkward, miserable git.

If I could change this, I would. But it seems to happen at a level beyond my conscious control.

It's horrible when you see the hurt look in the eyes of someone you really care about, when you KNOW there's no way of unsaying what's been said. I spend a lot of my time feeling very guilty about things like that.

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I've been in one of those lately! Is this a recognised phenomenon specifically associated with AS then?

We all do stupid, inconsiderate or just plain nasty things now and then. I try all my life to be what I would consider to be a "nice" person, and yet sometimes I just do things that are out of character. Before last night I don't think I have ever made anyone cry, but last night I made someone cry as a result of my selfish and short-sighted actions, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. What's more I betrayed someone who had helped me.

So yeah, I feel like a total jerk now. All I'm trying to say is, a person completely devoid of the "Hyde" section of their personality is very rare. Many other people I know (NT people not aspies) are nice much of the time but also sometimes act like total w**kers. And it even works in reverse; I have known people to act like bullies much of the time, and yet they also have a caring sensitive side.

Human beings are strange and complex creatures, subject to seemingly random whims, fears and desires, and that's something you've just got to learn to accept. You can try to repress the "Hyde" living inside of you, but you must content yourself that you will never fully kill him.

Integrate him.

Embrace him.

Love that part of yourself too,

and he will be at your disposal,

when you need him.

Watch "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen." Look for the "Hyde" in each of the characters.