why is social interaction so exhausting?

Page 2 of 5 [ 78 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 26,492
Location: UK

16 Apr 2012, 3:31 pm

Hmm, it depends on the context really. I'm OK in general social situations, when I'm on my own again I don't think ''oh, thank god for that.'' But it depends on what we do. Like today I was with my friend and we were going around clothes shops, and I dislike looking around clothes shops but didn't want to sound boring to my friend, so I went round with her - anyway, clothes shopping is all right in small doses, which is what I thought we were just going to do, but we ended up going in and out of every clothes shop in sight, plus the shops grew busier at midday, and I started to feel exhausted. My friend kept on saying, ''ohh, look at those trousers, aren't they nice?'' or, ''look at this bra, I like that,'' and I had to really fake enthusiasm, but inside I was getting all stressed out and just wanted to leave, but I didn't want to say ''I can't stand this any more, I'm going now'' and just walk out because it might sound offensive to her, and she likes me a lot, so I don't want to show the whiny side of me. But in some of the shops, a lot of women kept coming into the shop and all seemed to be at one corner of the shop at once (where we were), and everywhere I stood, someone's arm kept on reaching from behind me to grab the exact item I was standing in front of, and I had to force myself to not physically push them down and yell at them to get the f**k out of my way. I felt so relieved when we were finally out of the shopping area and on our way home to eat lovely sandwiches.

But I don't know whether to class that as exhaustion with social interaction (giving my friend friendly enthusiasm in the clothes), or the actual shopping itself, or the crowds in general.


_________________
Female


aussiebloke
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,407

16 Apr 2012, 6:16 pm

JCJC777 wrote:
aussiebloke wrote:
Because I have to pretend to care.


interesting. have you tried not pretending to care? people don't like you if you do that?


much for a muchness sadly.


_________________
Theirs a subset of America, adult males who are forgoing ambition ,sex , money ,love ,adventure to sit in a darkened rooms mastering video games - Suicide Bob


TheHouseholdCat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Feb 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 667
Location: Berlin, Germany

16 Apr 2012, 7:07 pm

I guess it's because you have to translate from "yourself" to "yourself in a social situation".

It takes me a long time to get something across properly because I first think of how I would react and then I try to think how another person would react to what I am going to say.

And there's a lot of pretending involved. That's true for myself as well. Because I can't really talk about my interests. Just... say something uninspiring. I only feel comfortable if I can talk about nonsense. I've always been good at nonsense.

My problem is that I can't talk about... how I feel or what I've been doing... or what my plans are. These are things I don't find easy to answer because I don't think about them most of the time. Or I think about it too much and people usually want short answers.


_________________
EXPANDED CIRCLE OF FIFTHS

"It's how they see things. It's a way of bringing class to an environment, and I say that pejoratively because, obviously, good music is good music however it's created, however it's motivated." - Thomas Newman


JCJC777
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 396

28 Apr 2012, 5:59 am

@piroflip I agree very much; it's much easier to talk about a hobby, or business, or sport.

I'm pleased and excited with the approach of
- expecting less communication with people; I think before I was looking for deep and meaningful connection in every interaction
(also - turning down my attempts to understand other people's emotions; it's just too hard)

As well as being less tiring for me, it seems other people are reacting better to me, easier; maybe I was coming across to others as just too intense, trying too hard, before.



dunya
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 24 Dec 2010
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 148

28 Apr 2012, 11:07 am

Being in social situations wears me out because I have to be thinking about what someone is saying and trying to work out what they mean as well.

I remember being asked in a shop about a product and I paused to think about my answer. The customer then had a go at me because I didn't reply at once, assuming I was being rude or stupid.
The stress of having to deal with lots of demands on my attention from random directions.
The noise. The sounds of all the people, screaming children, music playing in the background, phones going off....too much.

One of my housemates can be really irritating because she wants to be always telling about her experience moment by moment, even though it's really dull. I learned to ask questions like I want to know more and having got my attention she doesn't talk too much after that. It's tiring pretending I'm interested but I feel good that she doesn't get all upset like she used to when I told her why she was wrong.



Jkid
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 487
Location: College Park,MD

28 Apr 2012, 7:57 pm

I don't bother being in social situations because it takes work. I have friends but they're practically acquaintances because they don't contact me usually or they're out of state. In real life situations, no random person says hello or great me. No one randomly talks to me, I have to make the contact myself, I have to do all the work for me.

Even when I do the contacting, I tend to get ignored, or told sometimes that I'm annoying, primarily due to my voice.



JCJC777
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 396

29 Apr 2012, 2:34 am

@Jkid yes I think because we're not great at social we have to expect to probably be on the outside, and to have to do most of the contacting ourselves.

However you could still work at having some contact, because even though it's not logical, it does seem both we and NT's are happier if we are getting some interaction ( I think our evoutionary 'ape' brains are programmed to panic if we don't get any interaction - they probably judge we're in danger of being thrown out of the tribe, and that on our own we'd probably die).

You could work on changing your voice - should be easy to do if you practice over say 6 weeks - and look out for 1 or 2 people who you find funny/gentle who you could spend a little time with, and/or look for a group (doing a class in something you like, or helping homeless, or helping ecologically) you could be part of.



Kiseki
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 May 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,604
Location: Osaka JP

29 Apr 2012, 4:08 am

I find social interaction with a few, close people stimulating. Otherwise it's boring, tiring and causes me anxiety. For me, I think it's due to all of the sensory overload- loads of people in my field of vision, too much background noise, too many conversations going on at once. It's also taxing to have to make small talk.

I work as a teacher right now. After 6 hours of talking with all of those students I just need to be alone. And I ABSOLUTELY need 1 day a week where I hole myself up in my room, watch movies and just don't talk to anyone.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 161 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 55 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


NarcissusSavage
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2009
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 675

29 Apr 2012, 7:40 am

I have found that not all socializing is exhausting. Just most of it, most of the time.

The differences I have noticed that contribute to exhaustion are;

Group size, as there are more people involved, the more taxing it becomes for me. However, after a certain point (usually 5-6 people) I just disengage and observe, having reached my threshold and fail to keep up.

Familiarity with participants, the more familiar I am with the people I am engaging with, the easier and less taxing the encounter generally is. With complete strangers, I am generally stressed immediately.

The current attitudes of participants, if people I'm socializing with are open, accepting, friendly, and in general just in a plain old good mood, the encounter will be less stressful and draining.

The conversational style, this is an odd one. Everyone uses different styles in conversation, some are simply not compatible with mine, and others are incredibly compatible. I know I personally respond well to inquiry, so if in a group, and I am prompted to reply by the members of the conversation, I can do so effortlessly. If I am socializing with enough people who inquire and prompt me, I can socialize rather well, and often the encounter will even be energizing.

I am also hard-pressed to engage with people who use too much non literal language, or who simply don't know what they are talking about. Similarly it is difficult to converse with people who share nothing resembling anything remotely close to a common interest.



As for what actually causes the exhaustion? I would say a combination of stress and massive mental energy expenditure and sensory issues.



StevieC
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Dec 2009
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 649
Location: Cupboard under the Stairs

01 Aug 2012, 7:18 am

NTAndrew wrote:
It tires me out too. When I am with people for extended periods of time (like an 8 hour day at work, or some all day activity on the weekend), I need downtime. It is emotionally and intellectually taxing for me to remain engaged with people, to analyze what they say and make an "appropriate" response. I think in Tony Attwood's book, he says that communication among NTs is intuitive, whereas for Aspies it is an intellectual exercise, like a challenging game of chess.


Mind Chess in Monkey Dust springs to mind... 8O


_________________
I'm a PC and Ubuntu was my idea.


My RSS feed:
www.steviecandtheplacetobe.net/rss.xml


richardbenson
Xfractor Card #351
Xfractor Card #351

User avatar

Joined: 30 Oct 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,553
Location: Leave only a footprint behind

01 Aug 2012, 9:29 am

I find other things people like to talk about completely boring. like whats the latest movie? can go on and ON about the latest whateve and thats when I shut down. I cant talk about what others think is intresting because well, it isnt.

throw a dog a bone like oh I dont know, fire agates and my ears immeadiatley go up. *dork*
For instance, I hear some mexican miners saying a entire moutain range there is covered in agate of (the precious kind) this could be the truth, or it could be a monkey wrench to manipulate a already squiddish buyer of the best stuff on earth, whats the truth? who knows. I'm definetly not going to mexico to find out because its such a failed state.

I cant be getting kidnapped by the drug cartel, :P



TARDIScompanion
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 17 Mar 2011
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 88
Location: TARDIS-but mainly Missouri, USA.

01 Oct 2012, 2:57 pm

JCJC777 wrote:
Halligeninseln wrote:
There are so many reasons why social situations are exhausting. I don't want to list them all now but maybe just one of them is that NT social interaction is quite different to what one would naturally feel comfortable with. I went to an aspergers self-help group a few times and didn't find it exhausting (though it was a bit dull and not particularly useful).


very interesting you found socialising with Aspie's not exhausting


... I find ALL socialization exhausting after a few minutes or so. Is that bad?


_________________
"What goes bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud? - - -A Time Lord committing suicide." - Graffito the Prydonian.


TARDIScompanion
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 17 Mar 2011
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 88
Location: TARDIS-but mainly Missouri, USA.

01 Oct 2012, 3:02 pm

dunya wrote:
Being in social situations wears me out because I have to be thinking about what someone is saying and trying to work out what they mean as well.

I remember being asked in a shop about a product and I paused to think about my answer. The customer then had a go at me because I didn't reply at once, assuming I was being rude or stupid.
The stress of having to deal with lots of demands on my attention from random directions.
The noise. The sounds of all the people, screaming children, music playing in the background, phones going off....too much.

One of my housemates can be really irritating because she wants to be always telling about her experience moment by moment, even though it's really dull. I learned to ask questions like I want to know more and having got my attention she doesn't talk too much after that. It's tiring pretending I'm interested but I feel good that she doesn't get all upset like she used to when I told her why she was wrong.


oh god it;s like my mother. She makes thse... noises of irritation when she chooses to, at times when I have trouble understanding what she's saying, like I did it on purpose. She claims she wasn't but people seem to only make those noises when they are acting resentful, as far as I can remember. So, waht does she say? I'm mentally ill and not responsible, laying the blame on me AND recusing herself from reality AND taking all blame off herself for her actions, all in one fell swoop. See, I write CONSTANTLY, ALL DAY LONG, in my head or on the computer, and I write dialogue. ALL DAY LONG. for my Doctro Who fanfics. peopel say they love my dialogue, too. So I know what I'm talking about. And she claims I'm the mentally ill one. riight.

not that I don;t do my own version, but generally if I truly UNDERSTAND the person did not understand, and understand the reason WHy tehy didn;t understand, I am more than happy to help them understand. unlike her, unless my memory really Is taht bad.
i totally understand you there.

ignore the typos; my posts are nothign like my writing, btw.between the dypsraxia nad this wierd tenency of my brainto g os ofast and then go backwrads or forwards and juxtapose EVERYTHING, even concepts, it's a wonder i am still trying to write. (I'mguessing it's the cognitive deficit?) But I do. Because pelope ahve told me I'm good at soem aspects of it and I want to try and see how much better I can get, in my own time, in my own way. ;)


_________________
"What goes bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud? - - -A Time Lord committing suicide." - Graffito the Prydonian.


knowbody15
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 6 Aug 2012
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 469
Location: California

01 Oct 2012, 4:00 pm

JCJC777 wrote:
I try not to systemise now, which means I find it less intense than I used to, but it is still such hard work.
Normally I hang on the outside of the group, being quieter, and only occasionally contributing.
Even so if I have more than a little interaction I begin to stop functioning.

Maybe it's exhausting because
a) I'm actually systemising and working my brain very hard, so my brain gets exhausted?
b) people just penetrate deep into my being somehow, and disturb me in all sorts of ways, which wipes me out? If so then maybe I could somehow let those people's impacts just go straight through me without touching? I don't know.
c) I am expecting too much of myself - to be able to contribute normally in an NT group - and thus I'm exhausting myself with over-high demands of my performance?

Maybe I'm doing something wrong - has anyone found a better way?

Any thoughts very welcome. Thanks


I know that when I start reading between the lines in a conversation, like trying to understand where the person is going with their comments are respond accordingly, like a chess game, it seems to throw off the flow of the conversation. It gets exhausting trying to stay on track. I think the idea of a mutual exchange, listening to someone, confirming what they are saying, and asking questions instead of telling something to someone, the flow of the conversation seems to go better, and becomes less exhausting?
I put a question mark because I'm just guessing about this, I think what I just said is true, but I'm not sure if I got it right.


_________________
?Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.?


TARDIScompanion
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 17 Mar 2011
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 88
Location: TARDIS-but mainly Missouri, USA.

01 Oct 2012, 4:13 pm

knowbody15 wrote:
JCJC777 wrote:
I try not to systemise now, which means I find it less intense than I used to, but it is still such hard work.
Normally I hang on the outside of the group, being quieter, and only occasionally contributing.
Even so if I have more than a little interaction I begin to stop functioning.

Maybe it's exhausting because
a) I'm actually systemising and working my brain very hard, so my brain gets exhausted?
b) people just penetrate deep into my being somehow, and disturb me in all sorts of ways, which wipes me out? If so then maybe I could somehow let those people's impacts just go straight through me without touching? I don't know.
c) I am expecting too much of myself - to be able to contribute normally in an NT group - and thus I'm exhausting myself with over-high demands of my performance?

Maybe I'm doing something wrong - has anyone found a better way?

Any thoughts very welcome. Thanks


I know that when I start reading between the lines in a conversation, like trying to understand where the person is going with their comments are respond accordingly, like a chess game, it seems to throw off the flow of the conversation. It gets exhausting trying to stay on track. I think the idea of a mutual exchange, listening to someone, confirming what they are saying, and asking questions instead of telling something to someone, the flow of the conversation seems to go better, and becomes less exhausting?
I put a question mark because I'm just guessing about this, I think what I just said is true, but I'm not sure if I got it right.



no, I think you're right! But... let me put it this way.. I feel personally, rightly or no, that my mother TALKS AT me, rather than with me. then expects an answer that is full and rich and in-depth, like a good filling meal. But I cannot give her that. It's HER. I am sick of responding to her becaue she does this very thing, seh will talk AT you instead of with you and thne expect you to understand what she said like an NT. Then she explains the -process of understanding asperger's- to anybody ELse who wil llisten. at home though... she tends to expect yo uto read her mind when she doesn't even get undestood by NTs ahlf the time!


_________________
"What goes bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud, bang thud? - - -A Time Lord committing suicide." - Graffito the Prydonian.


knowbody15
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 6 Aug 2012
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 469
Location: California

01 Oct 2012, 4:42 pm

TARDIScompanion wrote:
knowbody15 wrote:
JCJC777 wrote:
I try not to systemise now, which means I find it less intense than I used to, but it is still such hard work.
Normally I hang on the outside of the group, being quieter, and only occasionally contributing.
Even so if I have more than a little interaction I begin to stop functioning.

Maybe it's exhausting because
a) I'm actually systemising and working my brain very hard, so my brain gets exhausted?
b) people just penetrate deep into my being somehow, and disturb me in all sorts of ways, which wipes me out? If so then maybe I could somehow let those people's impacts just go straight through me without touching? I don't know.
c) I am expecting too much of myself - to be able to contribute normally in an NT group - and thus I'm exhausting myself with over-high demands of my performance?

Maybe I'm doing something wrong - has anyone found a better way?

Any thoughts very welcome. Thanks


I know that when I start reading between the lines in a conversation, like trying to understand where the person is going with their comments are respond accordingly, like a chess game, it seems to throw off the flow of the conversation. It gets exhausting trying to stay on track. I think the idea of a mutual exchange, listening to someone, confirming what they are saying, and asking questions instead of telling something to someone, the flow of the conversation seems to go better, and becomes less exhausting?
I put a question mark because I'm just guessing about this, I think what I just said is true, but I'm not sure if I got it right.



no, I think you're right! But... let me put it this way.. I feel personally, rightly or no, that my mother TALKS AT me, rather than with me. then expects an answer that is full and rich and in-depth, like a good filling meal. But I cannot give her that. It's HER. I am sick of responding to her becaue she does this very thing, seh will talk AT you instead of with you and thne expect you to understand what she said like an NT. Then she explains the -process of understanding asperger's- to anybody ELse who wil llisten. at home though... she tends to expect yo uto read her mind when she doesn't even get undestood by NTs ahlf the time!


Let me put on my psychologist hat on for a second and respond (in a perfect world, I would literally have a hat that says "psychologist" on it) but maybe you're so used to trying to live up to your mother's standards of conversation, where you must understand her perfectly and then respond with brilliance, that you feel like you have to be this way with everyone? Perhaps?
I know with my dad, all he does it talk AT you and then expect you to totally understand him. Same thing right? Although I never really picked up on the idea that he needed to be understood, I always thought he would just say things, tell us we were wrong, and then walk away lol

Either way, we never understand the mutual exchange idea, we never recognize our own mistakes we make in "normal" conversation, and it becomes difficult for us. We're trained in the art of conversation by people who people who don't understand the art.

I'm thinking we have to seperate our experiences with our AS parents, and relearn the art of conversation.

So to bring this long winded response around.... :) maybe some of your exhaustion from conversation is the added emotional toll, the idea that your responses are never gonna be good enough (for your mom, or for my dad) so you're constantly trying to fight this "learned" inadequacy.....


_________________
?Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.?