Frustrated and needing advice

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I have an almost 6 yr old little girl with Autism. She is pre-verbal/early verbal and, for the most part, has no real behavior issues. The problem is that my husband thinks that she does and refuses to listen to what anyone else has to say regarding her behavior. He complains about everything she does and when I try to explain that we just need to be patient with her, he goes on to talk about how her behavior affects him. And it is always about him it seems. I'm not saying that we should let her do whatever she wants, but some of the stuff she does I have talked about with other parents of children on the spectrum, other people on the spectrum, and her doctors/therapists. They all agree that she has no real behavior issues, mainly just typical autistic behaviors or behaviors typical for a child her age that are intensified by her autism and lack of speech.

For example, right now she is obsessed with Mario Kart. She plays it on her DS, googles about it, and watches Youtube videos about it. We have a Wii that my husband put up months ago when she was obsessed with another game, and he brought it back out today. At bedtime she was upset that she couldn't play the Wii anymore tonight and was crying/whining about it. (A) I don't think that is untypical for a child her age to be upset that playtime is over and it is now bedtime, and (B) I am so glad that she isn't having a meltdown over it. My husband, on the other hand, is threatening to put the Wii up again because he can't handle the whining. He also insists that she was yelling and says that there is no reason for that. I will admit that she was pretty upset and probably raised her voice, but with her limited vocabulary she does get louder if she doesn't get the response she expects the first time. I think it's wrong to keep taking things from her and making them disappear, and I would rather work through it and get her to understand that there are certain times that she can play the Wii and other times she can't. I think it could be a good tool to use for her as a reward for good behavior.

My husband and I have been fighting about her constantly and I know it affects her. She usually will just silently leave the room and go to her bedroom to play while we argue. I beg my husband to go to appointments with me or talk to other parents of kids on the spectrum and he refuses. He doesn't think he needs to talk to anyone about what we are going through and thinks I am dumb for doing so. When I ask him why he can't just try some of the methods that I have spent the last couple of years developing with her therapists, his response is that he has his own way of doing things and doesn't want to try someone else's because his way is the only way. Of course I had to point out that his way does not work and usually makes her more upset.

I don't really know what my question is, I guess I just need to vent. I find myself questioning myself a lot these days, but I have been reassured by all her doctors, therapists, family and friends that I am doing a great job with her. She has made so much progress and I guess I want people (including her father) to acknowledge that before nitpicking at her weaknesses.

I'd hate to play couch psychologist here but I'd say your husband could be noticing his traits for the first time? The things that he is reacting to seem in line with that. Maybe he's uncomfortable?

I certainly do not think you are alone in your experience. From my experience, it seems that there is usually one parent who handles the whole autism issue a lot better than the other.

My kids' dad is probably not as bad as your husband sounds, but sometimes he really annoys me because he won't cut my son any slack. He expects things of him which are simply not fair, and then when my son breaks down and gets upset, his dad gets upset about that, too. Sheesh. The kid is doing the best he can. His dad also can't understand that some of the things he does, he does not do to annoy people and his perception of what he is doing does not match our perception of it. For example, my son questions everything. Always. His dad sees it as him being argumentative. And I do see that it looks that way. But my son asks questions because he needs to understand things. And because he has a hard time reading between the lines, picking up on body language, etc, he sometimes needs to ask a lot of questions to make sure he "gets" what's going on.

Anyway, this isn't about us LOL! But I just want you to know that you are not alone.

BTW, I also wonder if maybe your husband isn't being confronted with his own issues through watching your daughter. I found the process intriguing and liberating in a way, but many people have a very difficult time coming to terms with their own issues.

I think what you are going through is very common. When my daughter was little my husband and I used to have HUGE fights. The funny thing is the situation was the other way: I said we had to be hard on her, he said we had to understand and be patient. But he was also about how everything affected HIM. I think men are usually very selfish, self-centered.

As I was the one saying we should be hard on her, I can tell you I didnt cope with much. I was (still am) very strict. I didnt let her go away with a lot of things. There is only one BIG issue with that: the anxiety triggers. Back then I had no idea our kid had AS. She was diagnosed at 8.

The way you handled the Mario Kart issue was wonderful. And returning it to her just to make her stop crying was the worst possible idea.

I think you and your husband need to seat and have a serious talk. What you are doing right now is affecting your marriage and affecting your child. You have to remember that before parents you are a couple. You have to remain a couple if you want to do this. You need to get to some sort of agreement. Try to understand why he behaves the way he does. If there is a dx there is no ground for him to refuse it. Maybe talking you will be able to get to the truth behind his behavior, which might be he feels responsible for it or he thinks she is just like he was at that age and he does not want to accept his reality. I have seen that before.

Do not expect anybody, and specially your husband, to acknowledge or congratulate you for what you are doing. Rest assure that you are doing what it is best for your daughter, and you are doing that FOR HER, not for any rewards or recognition. That would be better for you. Knowing you are doing your best and looking at your daughter progress is the best reward.

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying. That he is seeing his traits in our daughter? He actually gets frustrated about the things that make her different from him. He was more understanding about her being withdrawn and uninterested in socializing, and he would applaud her loner tendencies. Now that she is seeking out other kids to play with, he seems to be confused as to why she would want friends.

Definitely sounds like he has a problem of her being normal. Which obviously is odd.

Does he react to change well or does he tend to show resistance?

Thanks for your response. The way you describe your kids' dad sounds like my husband too. We don't have the issue with my daughter questioning things yet because she is just not that verbal yet, but everything else is the same. As much as I don't wish this on anyone else, it's nice to know I'm not alone!

If he is bothered by his own issues (or even realizes he has any), I would be surprised. From the conversation we had last night, he really thinks that his way is the only way and believes he shouldn't have to repeat himself more than once. The problem is that it takes a lot of repetition to work with my daughter. I get what your saying (and maybe the previous poster too), as I have learned so much about myself by trying to understand and help my daughter. My husband, on the other hand, doesn't think he has issues and that the problem lies with everyone else.

I ended up confronting him last night about why he can't just try some of the methods that the therapists and I have found to work. He simply doesn't want to put in the extra effort. For example, it will be clear that my daughter wants something. He will ask her "What do you want?" She won't respond verbally, so he'll ask again (each time his voice raising louder). The 3rd time he has to ask he is screaming and cursing at her, which just makes her shut down completely. I have asked him repeatedly to try prompting her, which is the method myself and the therapists use. He just simply wants her to respond to him the first time and doesn't believe that she has the communication issues that she does indeed have. I had to flat out ask him why his own child isn't worth the extra effort that she obviously needs. He had no answer for that and left the room to go play a video game.


@Ilka ~ I get what you are saying about the recognition and I don't seek that out. I definitely look at each bit of progress that she makes as my reward, and she will always be worth everything I have put into this. I guess I am more frustrated with him questioning everything I do when he was the one that insisted on me quitting my job because he couldn't handle her. He was actually the one in the beginning that made me realize that something was different about her.

I do think that he lets his own disability hold him back. He has a neuro-degenerative disorder that affects his extremities and it impairs his mobility. He just sits back and accepts that that is his fate and has refused to manage his own condition to keep himself from deteriorating. He very much has that mindset where he just ignores things and pretends they don't exist.