Needing a routine but not being able to set one up

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Has anyone else dealt with this before?

I'm needing a daily routine in order to cope, my self care is going downhill even for myself fast, I'm becoming more visibly autistic, I'm having a harder time with everything, and I have no way to set up that routine. If there was an external one I'd happily settle into it and that would probably help stop this, I'd still be having a harder time but not as much of one.

Not having the routine isn't what's causing this, but I can tell that I need one. I just can't set one up. I'm getting really agitated by not having one. I'm not eating because I don't have set times to eat. It was past 5 pm today when my boyfriend asked me if I'd eaten yet today, and I responded no, and he gave me some pancakes and told me I was eating them even if I didn't want them. I wasn't trying to avoid eating, I just am not being able to deal with those sorts of activities on my own. I've been aware that I've not been eating enough and been warning him that I've been having problems with not eating enough, so that people would help me with that.

Everything else is similarly out of wack. It's worse than usual for me even.

But I don't know how to make myself have a schedule, or have a routine. Everything I've tried doesn't work. I just am both not taking care of myself even more than usual, and getting agitated because of not having it.

I want when I'm eating and when I'm walking Pippin and when I'm feeding Pippin and when I'm feeding Ada, and times to play with Ada and times to play with Pippin and times that I'm necessarily going to get to spend with my boyfriend, and times to train Pippin and when my various times out of the house (which are only two or maybe three days a week currently but still worth mentioning), and when I'm doing things like showering and laundry, and all of that to all be scheduled and all of that to be followed regularly, and for people to follow that schedule and to not interfere and make it so that it doesn't work.

(And I'm meaning at a level higher than normal people scheduling, I'm getting unreasonably upset when people take Pippin out for a walk 55 minutes after he eats because he's not allowed to go outside for an hour after eating. I'll watch the clock until its been exactly an hour and then take him out without thinking about it, and then say to myself, okay he's allowed to go outside now, because that's how its done. He stays inside resting for an hour after every meal. You don't take him out 5 minutes before that hour is done, he needs to wait those 5 more minutes.)

I just, any sort of routines would help. It doesn't need to be my full day, but that would be the best. I'm being more dependent on them than I've been in the past, and I'm not being able to set them up and am just being agitated at the not being there. I don't know how to set them up. I'm used to following what is external more than setting them up. Or just doing what I happen to do, but that isn't working either because that prevents meltdowns, not causes them.

Your post moved me because that's the exact situation I find myself in. I desperately need some structure in life right now but I am in such a mess with anxiety and depression that I am pretty non-functional right now so trying to set up a functional routine is nearly impossible for me and there is nobody who can really help me with that. In the past having a job and other things like that helped but I am in no position to be able to work right now. It's really frustrating knowing that I am going through a huge amount of anguish that really need not be simply because the structure I need is missing. I actually teared up a little writing this because this exact thing is such a big problem for me and you described it very well. Good luck getting it together - I'll be watching this thread intently for any good advice.

Maybe it would help if you wrote down a list of the basic things that you need to do eberryday, then write next to each item the time range in which you will do each thing. I say time range instead of time, because I don't think that a minute-by-minute schedule is a good idear. That kind of eggstremely eggsac structure is impossible to maintain from day to day, and becomes maladaptive and eggstra stressful in the long-term.

I have a structure to my day, but I don't really append set times to eberrything. It is moar like a routine order in which I do all the basic things that I have to do eberryday, and the stuff in between is when I do the interesting stuff that varies from day to day. In my mind I get into the habit of planning of do a three-hour hyperfocus session between 9am and 12pm, so I can do that, and end a bit earlier or a bit later, then go right downstairs to heat up my lunch that is always leftovers from the previous night's dinner and usually in one container that I microwave. Then, after lunch, I can have another few hours of hyperfocus until my mother gets home from work. I guess that I schedule the basic things around hypefocus sessions to follow a routine of getting all the basics done.

I'm not trying to have a set time for everything, just time ranges, with rules, like Pippin gets walked around 9:30 (which is 20 minutes long), then played with immediately after, and then when he comes inside he gets breakfast, and he is not allowed to go outside for at least 1 hour no matter what after he eats. If he needs to go outside at 11 because we're leaving for a doctor's appointment, then he needs to eat at 10, which means his walk needs to be at 9 instead of 9:30 because he needs an hour of rest after eating. (I know I'm taking that stricter than I should, but I can't help it at the moment, its making me able to cope in other ways.)

I'm just not being able to actually go through and get that down and then follow through with it and have any of it work out. Even writing it all down isn't working. I'm not being able to figure out an order its supposed to be in. I know breakfast comes before dinner. I'm just lost.

Maybe my therapist will be able to help me put time ranges and an order to things. I know what the things I want to do are. I know time ranges for some of them. I know that Pippin's morning walk wants to start between 9 and 10 am every day but Tuesday and Thursday ('cause those are the two days that I have anything that I'm doing on at all), and that the morning period of time all follow's off of that. (His walk, his playtime, his breakfast, my breakfast, his rest period). I know Pippin's dinner wants to be between 7 and 8 pm... (And yes, I'm scheduling my schedule around my dog's. It makes perfect sense to me. )

The things that you wrote in this thread are a start. You could start with the morning routine of yourself getting up and your washing/dressing ritual. Then, what you need to do for your pets like you wrote here. Then your breakfast and getting started with doing the non-routine things that you do eberrything. Like a few hours for a special interest.

Maybe not worry about planning out the whole day yet, if you think that you will have trouble ackshuly doing the things in the list. Maybe start with following through with a solid morning routine. Then, the rest of the day may go to krap somewhere around noontime, but you can reset things eberry morning at least. Then, try to set a time range for eating lunch and follow through. Plan ahead to have a breaking point for your special interest, so you can finish a chunk, then eat lunch. Maybe eat the same thing for lunch eberryday so you don't have to worrry about what to eat.

Yeah, I have the same problem. I have heard that smartphones help, so I've gotten one, it's a great way to have an "overview" on everything, a good tool. I have written a list, with basic things that has to be done at specific times of the day, like eating and sleeping, and I have written down all the other tasks that has to be done during a month in another list (on my smartphone). I have also heard that "Aspies" want to do the right thing, they don't want to do mistakes, and this fits me, so I have tried to stir my conscience everytime I don't do what I have to do. It helps a little, but I still don't function properly or can take care of myself.

I have a book (maybe referenced in this site somewhere) called Living Well Within The Spectrum. It's all about working with your strengths and limitations of AS. One of the things that's stuck with me is the idea of figuring out how you learn and then use that style for scheduling and remembering things. If you learn by words, you'd use a notebook or a bulletin board or text messages. Sound learners would leave themselves voice mails, and alarm beeps on cell phones. I'm a word/reading learner, so I'm planning on buying a notebook to keep with me at all times.

I can completely relate to your issues. I am hopelessly disorganized right now and desperately need some kind of schedule to help me get my $#!+ together. But my problem isn't so much knowing how to schedule things, but rather not being able to follow any schedule because of outside influences. I live with my mother, and she doesn't understand about having to do such things. She just jumps in and does stuff and expects me to do the same. My mom is wonderful, but if I was going to find a fault with her, it's that she seems to believe that her time is more important that everybody else's. She will therefore make plans for me without consulting me first, or take on a project and just assume that I'm going to help. She'll even ask me to help for "just a minute", that turns into a 2-hour block of time. I've tried to talk to her about it, and all she says is "Things have to be done, and I expect you to get them done. And NOT later or tomorrow or next week." How can I schedule my life with interruptions like that?

I use a reminder program on my smartphone (I use "Color Notes" - there may be better ones I don't know - but it's free). It can remind me to do one-time things, or daily things, or whatever. Took me a long time to put everything I need in there, but it helps once it's there.

I used stickies* to set up a daily routine and now I follow it fairly strictly. It's been months since I've forgotten to eat because I either didn't think of it or didn't realize no one else was cooking dinner. I can even tolerate moving a few things around in my schedule as long as everything gets done.

* http://www.zhornsoftware.co.uk/stickies/

Can you access help with this from a support group/autism charity?

I use a calendar I made. I have 1 week per A4 page stuck to the wall, and about 3-4 weeks up at a time. I write everything I need to do on there; what time my alarm's set for, what time I need to get up, what I'm having for breakfast (decided the night before so I know what we've got in the house), what time I need to leave, what I need to pack in my bag, where I'm going, postcode, travel time etc.

Maybe use pictures in a visual timetable (see here) so you can keep going back and checking what you're meant to be doing at each time. Plan your day the night before; you know that 1pm is a sensible time to have lunch, so schedule it and also plan what you're going to eat.

I also use a book which lists locations I frequently go to and how long it takes to get there via various methods of transport, plus any anxieties I feel when I go there and how to minimise them. Then I can plan in my timetable extra time to avoid those triggers or extra time to deal with being triggered by them.

I have trouble getting anything done. I either forget to do things or just don't bother doing them. If I try to set up a schedule I fail at keeping it pretty fast.