How would you describe your thoughts during a meltdown?

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My meltdowns are caused by emotional overload, too. I might feel a combination of sad or angry feelings, with the angry feelings being dominant at first. With these angry feelings might come the urges to hit/throw/kick/break something or even self - injure, but usually once I get to a safe place, I just usually end up crying.

My thoughts when I'm like this usually revolve what a sad excuse for a human being I am and how I shouldn't have been allowed to live for as long as I have, since I'm so effed up and worthless.

It's pretty rare for me to actually have a meltdown (fortunately), but it's similar in some ways to being overstimulated by sensory input. I'm able to think normally on at least some level, but I'm not really able to put that into practice. When I have a meltdown, I'm not aggressive toward others, but I can get extremely over-emotional, say things that I'm not proud of, and do things that are embarrassing to myself even while it's happening. It's one of the most humiliating things in the world after it's over =/

Abrasive Overstimulation >
Feel Normal, But Not Functioning >
Catharsis >
Organized

More frequent, mini-meltdowns might be a better way to live.

This word comes to mind:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compartme ... chology%29

So often being unable to decompress, I'm torn between thinking the dos equis would be therapeutic at times, knowing it is not a way to find closure.

I don't always think drinking is a solution, but sometimes I do.

For me, it's almost like I'm a spectator to my own behavior. Like the other night I had a melt down due to a lot of noise keeping me up ALL night long, and I ran in the bathroom, locked the door, sank to the floor and started hitting my head on the door. My husband was trying to open the door and I remember saying to him "I'm fine" which really meant "I'll be fine in a minute". I could see the whole thing happening, and I was consciously aware of what I was doing for the most part. It happened pretty fast, but I'm fairly certain that I locked myself in the bathroom because I really wanted to hit my head, and I didn't want my husband interrupting it. Also, I likely chose the door because I'm sick of having to repair damaged walls.

I'm often upset or stressed which sometimes includes being upset when mine happen, though there are exceptions when they just happen for no reason that I can think of.

My mental dialogue if I'm upset/stressed is usually: "*rant about trigger* .... Okay, calm down. Calm down. STOP crying! There's no reason to cry! Just calm down, calm down, EB. Calm. Calm. Calm down, calm down. Calm. Down. *pause* repeat for a while then distract self with special interest to get my mind off the stress." Previously I'd call myself stupid as well but I don't do that anymore.

If random it's usually something like this: "*mental sighing sound* Really? I'm crying? Why am I crying? I'm not sad or anything. Come on, stop crying. Did something happen? Why am I suddenly crying over nothing? I hope this doesn't last very long. My eyes are filling with tears and I can't see now *is amused* This is annoying. I wish I knew what caused this." During this sort which doesn't happen very often I can be quite happy during the thing and laugh at the craziness of my crying uncontrollably for no reason.

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Random unrelated thing I felt like adding:

Anymore when I do something I think may be odd and I'm either chatting online or with my friend I tack a cheerful "Yes I'm weird." to whatever I said or say "Yes, I am weird, but you knew that already." it in response to any comment about my behavior my friend may have made which usually gets a friendly "Yeah, I know." from my friend.

Wow y'all have a lot of the same situation as me when I get sensory overload like that. Usually I just have to go somewhere quiet and it allows me to deal with it. I find the meds I'm on tend to help though (Wellbutrin).

Is meltdown an autistic only thing? I seem to observe similar things in NT people, too. But maybe they're not quite as NT as I thought. My NT husband does that sometimes. He's usually set off by annoying/stupid people instead of sensory stimuli, though.