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Advice For Meltdowns During Conflicts

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kamiyu910
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25 Jan 2013, 6:41 pm

jamgrrl wrote:
Through most of our relationship, he's been resistant to me sending him emails over this sort of thing. Now he's open to it. :) For difficult thoughts and feelings, I much prefer to write it down. Spend an hour getting the wording and flow just right. Afterwards, I'm fine with talking about it, because I feel I expressed the most important bits clearly. Or even writing it down and reading it aloud off the sheet works for me. It seems stilted and awkward and fake, and it's not the "best" way in an NT world, but that's the best way *I* communicate. So I'm getting more comfortable insisting that if I want to write it down and send it or read it off a sheet, then that's the way I should do it. And he's getting more comfortable reading my emails without the chance to immediately reply face-to-face.

The things we do for love. :)


I sometimes have to write it down, either in an email, IM, text, or on paper. I can "speak" a lot better by writing.


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jamgrrl
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25 Jan 2013, 7:10 pm

sharkattack wrote:
jamgrrl sorry to go off topic but is that your picture?

I was thinking about replacing my shark maybe.


Yep, that's me.

I'm not terribly worried about revealing my identity to the internet, since I'm a fairly open person and "out" about lots of things. I do realize I'm taking a risk. But I want to be an autism advocate, and as a writer, I'm in a position to do that. Otherwise, I would not use my real pic.


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jamgrrl
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28 Jan 2013, 2:04 pm

I had another meltdown this weekend. There was a conflict spanning a couple of days that never seemed to get resolved. I had avoided a meltdown using the various strategies, but the anxiety never went away, even while we weren't fighting. because the issue still stood. Finally, we started to discuss it again where he couldn't see me. (He was taking a shower.) I was immediately at a 9 (10 is a meltdown) and staid there or close to there the entire time. And I didn't tell him. I felt like I wasn't going to feel better until we figured out the problem, so I didn't care if I melted down. I was also ashamed that I couldn't get it under control. (I was obviously not thinking clearly... but then I was at a 9.)

I went off into the room at one point, where he couldn't see me (because he was still in the shower), and did my thing where I knelt on the floor and rocked and cried and wanted to disappear. It was weird because I wanted to hide it from him. I felt really ashamed I was melting down again, after all the work we've both been doing to make it stop. So I cried really quietly. Then he got out of the shower and I sat on the bed and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. He didn't fall for it of course.

So it feels like I haven't really learned anything new. Except for a couple of things. As he was holding me and I was weeping, he wouldn't let me talk about anything related to the conflict. And it pretty much confirmed that for me lots of hugs are helpful. Even when I get tired of them, it's just a neutral feeling. It never agitates me more. I also noticed I like having my back rubbed. He wrapped me up tight in a blanket and I laid on my tummy and he stroked my skin and after awhile I was completely relaxed. No sign of the anxiety I'd felt all week or the meltdown other than stinging eyes and sore muscles.

Because of all this, the meltdown was fairly mild and didn't last long.

I'm feeling comforted by knowing we have some good aftercare. That I don't feel traumatized by the experience in this lingering way. But I'm still feeling lost about the whole thing.

Does this mean that if there's an unresolvable conflict, that spans days because we don't want to fight so hard I meltdown, that I'm stuck with the anxiety until... what? We finally get into the thick of it and I meltdown? Or we let it go unresolved until my anxiety finally dissipates?

I'm sure we'll figure it out. Just in this moment I'm feeling a bit whiny about it. We're going to see our couples counselor today to help work out the still-unresolved conflict. So we'll see.


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Phaeton
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28 Jan 2013, 2:45 pm

jamgrrl wrote:
cause me to feel stupid for being upset over such a "little" thing.


Following the thread. I use the avoidance method whenever possible but am liking all this input on how to deal when avoidance lets conflict through anyway.

No coping skills to add, I am a hermit IRL, hiding works best but is not realistic 100% of the time.


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jamgrrl
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28 Jan 2013, 2:58 pm

Oh I wanted to add that when he wouldn't let me talk about the conflict anymore, it was super-duper hugely important that he added, "I will let you talk about this later. I will listen to everything you have to say." The fact that I didn't feel "shut up" went a long, long way in me feeling safe.


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jamgrrl
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28 Jan 2013, 3:01 pm

Phaeton wrote:
Following the thread. I use the avoidance method whenever possible but am liking all this input on how to deal when avoidance lets conflict through anyway.


I remember the day I learned, "Sometimes if you ignore a problem it really *does* go away." I lost a little bit of my stress baggage that day. :) But I also know that some problems get worse when ignored, so I try to gauge how far I can take the avoidance strategy.

The avoidance strategy stopped working in this relationship last November. Both of us employed it, and it was ruining the relationship much more slowly, but surely, as the fighting did, until the relationship almost ended. Avoidance is no longer an option, because we really don't want this relationship to end.


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