Pros and cons of cutting off formerly abusive parents

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Anyone have any ideas about this?

Pro: They can't abuse you again.

Con: You may never know if they've reformed.

I'm not going to get abused. I am an adult who works out, and my Dad is puny and creepy old man. They are not repentant though. If I try to discuss this (I have tried to discuss much milder things that did not put the blame on them), I am likely to be blamed as demon-possessed or as making bad choices (not following my parents' psychotic religion).

But, I mean for getting over the Complex PTSD and the Borderline PD, does cutting off former abusers help?

I would not be surprised if my mother has Schizotypal PD and severe depression (this is confirmed), and my Dad definitely has visions of grandiosity and possible psychosis, though I can't really see it objectively, so I don't know at all.

My father went to an unaccredited extreme Christian college and got his Masters degree in education. Guess what his thesis was? That ADHD is based on a child not connecting properly with the "Holy Spirit" and that it can be cured through beatings and complete isolation from other children.

And, although I probably didn't have ADHD, I had symptoms that showed up as such according to the standards of the 1990's.

Last edited by Tyri0n on 07 May 2013, 5:20 pm, edited 4 times in total.

I cut off my psychopathic father (not biological).

Pros: No stress from dealing with his mind games.

Cons: Can't think of any.

I hear about him from my sister and her children. He's definitely not reformed.

Toward then end, so was my dad. But while he could no longer beat the snot out of me, he could still be verbally abusive.


I don't know. What does your therapist say?

I haven't talked about it. I couldn't talk about it then because a lot of this is has just put me in extreme shock. I mean, I wouldn't have been surprised by getting Borderline PD from all those tests, as she says I meet 8/9 of the criteria for BPD (only 5 needed), but to have someone say that BPD may not be appropriate because the trauma was too severe is not something I can even think about at the moment.

Psychopaths don't reform - ever! There is no way to 'deal with' psychopaths. The only solution is to stay away ...

Definitely. You need to do your healing away from them. They are a walking bundle of triggers for you.

I'd say close the door on them for now. Not a big dramatic show, no final interdicts, no 'I never want to hear from you ever again', just cut off contact, disappear for a while, change your phone #, etc. You've got a lot on your plate to deal w/right now & it's kind & reasonable to yourself to put them out of your life for now.

I say don't burn your bridges, 'cause you don't know what lies in the future for all of you. I pretty much completely w/drew from my family, only contacting my mother once or twice a year for decades, but I avoided the overwrought hysteria & tried very hard not to say or do anything that might cause roadblocks to a new, different relationship down the road. My parents got a divorce, my mother changed a bit, my father didn't.

So...just tell them:
I need my space.
I'm too busy.
I really can't talk about this w/you.
It's not any of your business now.
That's not anything I'm interested in these days.
I've got other things to do.
Take care. Bye.

Coming from me, another Chrisitan, your dad was a complete lunatic, and Jesus is probably someone your dad would argue with in heaven and go to hell because of it. I dislike your dad, and anything he taught you about Christianity is a load of worm ridden shit-fodder.

Apparently, some mellow out in their old age, but he's just the same as always.

Try taking a long spell of time completely away from them and then see what you think about it.
I was going to cut mine completely out of my life but decided not to.
To each his own but good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Pros:
you will feel like a burden lifted from your shoulders and your life
you will be able to start afresh
you will not have to suffer the taint of them in your life
you will be able to rediscover yourself as a person and know what you are capable of
you will get the best chance to heal
you will not be living with their constant negativity
you will be able to focus on yourself
you will be able to acknowledge that you have no duty to them just because they birthed you

Cons:
you may feel guilty (even though you have no reason to)
you may feel that even having bad parents is better than having no parents at all
you may not be able to get rid of that sense of duty

I don't remember the abuse being that bad, and I didn't even think of it as abuse in the extreme sense.

I don't know. That's what I remember.

But then I get extremely triggered by bizarre things and have a complete meltdown whenever anything reminds me of child abuse or sexual abuse.

So I don't know. Can these tests come up in error? How could it possibly be that I had the highest "trauma index" on one of these tests that my psychologist had ever seen? I mean, I feel messed up but not necessarily traumatized or abused, but the way the results were explained to me seems air tight.

I rank in the top 1% of the population in terms of sniffing bullshit. That's how I successfully figured out I don't have Asperger's and basically got undiagnosed, although the former diagnosis is still technically valid since it was from another doctor.

Yet, as much as I don't remember the trauma as being that bad, this is really not throwing off my bullshit sniffers. And trust me, I have never met anyone with bullshit sniffers as accurate as mine.

So I really don't get it.

Since you're currently being treated for problems resulting from the abuse you suffered I definitely think you should talk to your therapist before making a final decision about this. Congrats on finally getting the right help (hopefully) btw.

My immediate reaction would be not to speak to him again if he's psychopathic and was severely abusive to you. I think that sometimes it's not worth trying to maintain relationships with family.