Pros and cons of cutting off formerly abusive parents

Post Reply New Topic

You may not remember the abuse being that bad because of the mind's ability to dissociate & block traumatic memories. But the body remembers, hence the extreme reactions to triggers. So I'd go w/it. You may never remember everything that happened, especially if it happened before the age of 3 YO, but the brain/body connection has been wired in.

I'd suggest Peter Levine's trauma work, as an adjunct to your work w/the therapist. Also, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy might be appropriate; Buddha and the Borderline might give you some idea about that approach.

Blessings on your path of healing.

I'm going to tell you about my mother who has BPD, not to make you feel bad for having it or anything like that. Not to scare you either. But to let you know 1) there are lots of choices about how much contact and when to have with a parent and 2) what can happen to someone with BPD who doesn't get treatment. Notice I said can not will.

My mother was dx'd with Borderline PD when I was a teenager. She is so toxic and so hateful, manipulative, selfish, deceitful, poisonous and deranged that there are times I have to cut her out of my life as much as I can. It's not easy when she lives practically a few blocks from me and is dependent on me and my family for certain things.

During the times she's toxic I stay away from her as much as I can. I don't take her calls or if I have to I don't stay on the phone, I just pass information. I don't go to her house unless it's an emergency, usually something like she's pretending to think she might be needing to go to the emergency room - I go over and offer to call an ambulance and after I actually did call them once she never pulled that stunt again. I just stay far away from her but I also don't purposefully antagonize her because she is such a horrible human being that she would actually make up lies about me and spread, serious lies which she has done before, which have the potential to ruin the rest of my life that she hasn't managed to ruin yet.

I also love her though. Not some kind of sick love, but I do love her. She doesn't deserve it but she is sick and can't help what she does. That doesn't excuse it though. It simply explains it. I take care of her because it's my responsibility as her only child, and because before I was old enough to take care of myself she took care of me, or rather she arranged for her mother to take care of me. I do it because I know that if I don't, when she dies I will feel guilty even though I would be completely justified in walking away and leaving that horror of a human being behind me forever. That's only natural I suppose.

She does have her good points at times though and at times we can get along, and do, even very well for up to a few weeks at a time. Then she suddenly goes off on another tangent and I walk out of her life again. These are not just small tangents and fits she throws, these are things that even though they are lies, have the potential to ruin whats left of my family and my life. While it's possible to prove that she is lying, by the time that's been established so much damage will have been done within my family, with words and actions that nothing would ever be the same.

So, what I do is when she's being a decent person I am a good daughter and very friendly to her. I go see her, I offer to do things for her, we talk (although I never tell her anything important because she embellishes and tells) we even manage to have a good time occasionally. I don't let myself be fooled into thinking that she cares for me or I can trust her, because I'm not going to be hurt by her again. I just take it as a temporary break in the storm. When she shows her true colors again and starts on her high horse or suddenly turns against me because she thinks I know some gossip I won't tell her or I don't have $10 that she can have to get cat food with because I'm broke, I step back out of her life and our "relationship" and I'll only be there when it's my responsibility to be, such as sickness, emergency, etc. I'll stay away from her for months at a time and eventually she wants me back in her life so she fakes being nice, and I allow myself to relax a little.

I'm telling you all this to show you that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can control how much and when you see them. You can control where the line is that you won't allow them to cross. You can still be there and be a responsible son and do what you have to do without getting sucked into their crap.

While I love my mother very much, I can tell you without hesitation that she is one of the most horrible people I have ever met. She has no conscience, she has no love for others - only desire for them to love her, she doesn't want people in her life she wants to control their lives, and if she feels that she can't she will stop at nothing to try to get them back into her web. While she never physically abused me, I think I would rather she had that put me through the invisible hell that she put me through.

You have to make your decisions about how much you want to allow them in your life or allow yourself in theirs. It can be completely no contact at all, ever, or it can be minimal contact, or you can be there are much as you feel you need to. I don't know if it will help you get over any psychological problems caused by them, but it can certainly help prevent more problems.

I don't know what treatments there are for BPD, because my mother rejects that she has it and stopped therapy and there is no way she would ever get treatment for it. It's turned her into a black cloud of poison and not only made it impossible for anyone in a relationship with her to be happy but I think it's responsible for preventing her from ever being happy. I want to urge you to pursue whatever treatment you can find for yours so it doesn't progress into something like my mother has now. It may not ever do that even without treatment, but I wouldn't want to risk that if I were you. Even if therapy is painful, it's got to be less painful that becoming someone like her. That's why I really do ask you to please stick with therapy, no matter how hard it is for you.

OliveOilMom, I want to applaud your intelligent approach to your mom's situation. It shows a lot of compassion for BOTH of you.

Sad about your brother, Tyri0n. I'm w/OliveOilMom...it'll be hard, but there are things to be done that will improve your life. I think of it as being like marathon training that never ends. You might find the [u]Buddha & the Borderline[/b] book encouraging, even if you don't follow her particular course of treatment. I certainly found her account inspiring for my own life...to keep trying to make the good choices, never give up, & honor the progress.

My mum has issues, and was abusive. Like you have strong trigger reactions to child/sexual abuse, although I remember nothing about the sexual abuse. .

I cut contact with her for a few years. In that time I was able to get good help for my PND and self harming stuff, and do a lot of healing. I needed to focus on me, not on picking up after her fuck-ups and being the responsible parent in the family.

I have contact with her now. It is on my terms, and at the depth I want. She respects that, but only because it suits her not to have to deal with the real issues at hand. She doesn't want to acknowledge her past behaviours or take any responsibility for the abuse she perpetrated. I have come to realise that although I want her to, I don't NEED her to do that. And that I will never have a real mother/daughter type relationship with her. She is too self involved for that, and I have built strong relationships with my MIL and my aunt instead.

If she had never tried to make contact with me, I would not have sought her out. But I would still be doing the healing I desperately need.

Pro: Anything. Life quality. Possibility to acchieve a healthy personality after being garbage for nearly two decades. No need any longer to close doors with a lock to feel safe or being able to sleep propper. A feeling of safety... You could add endless pros here.

- : You have to stand on your own.


So I still have contact to my father, simply because my mother stilllives with him, additional because I know that for parts his behaviour also was forced on him by his own youth experiences, but still he had 60 years to visit a therapist to help him, instead of being a crazy as*hole. So I dont blame him for being the person he is, but I blame him for not trying to change anything about it. As long as he doesnt and as long as he wants to stay the kind of person you want to avoid, I will avoid him. When he tried to be verbally abusive again, when I visited my parents, I simply told him, that I will leave if he does so, because why should I be interested to waste hours of my weekend to hear his s**t, when there are thousend better things to do?