Aspergers and victim complex

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I think people can get stuck in that kind of exclusively problem-focused negativity, where they reject all solutions, because they have (temporarily) lost hope and/or confidence, and lose belief that things can get better. It's understandable that people who are close to them want to immediately offer solutions, which are typically rejected. But when you are really stuck at the bottom of the "hopeless and negative place", it's too soon (I think) for solutions and suggestions, well meant though they are. This just frustrates the giver and receiver, both end up saying "nothing works!"

When someone is trapped in the "dark endless negativity" the most urgent need is for "extreme emotional nutrition" - validation for how you are feeling, acceptance, to be heard without being offered advice straight off, understanding. This is a big ask, I know, for the supporter/friend/partner. But validation, support, just listening quietly and time can bring people out of that dark place at their own pace.

This is a process. Labelling people as having "a victim mentality" makes recovery harder - it's one more put down, when you are already really down. Yes, people may complain about things that seem really trivial - as the OP complained about - but the trivia can be symbolic of much deeper distress that they do not feel safe enough, or accepted enough to voice.

I am old. I didn't realise this when I was younger.

Every time I hear "the glass half-full OR half empty" cliche - and it is a cliche, I have to bite my lip to stop myself saying, "A glass at mid-level is BOTH half full AND half empty", not one or the other! But the level goes up and down according to the way things go - some things we can control, some things are beyond our control, the glass is the symbolic container for our feelings and responses to what happens. The liquid in the glass is a fluid! And in our interactions with other people - online or in person - we meet either "tank (glass) fillers" or "tank emptiers".

Time for a new metaphor to replace this tired old glass cliche, I think, one that doesn't pigeonhole people into being labelled "half-empty" people. The human condition is much bigger than any glass can contain!

B19 wrote:

So imagine: Reincarnation and the afterlife aren't real. Now, imagine that everyone thus gets one shot at life, no matter their abilities, their talents, their skin color, their gender, their orientation, etc.

Now imagine that people in this one shot at life live in horrific circumstances - abusive relationships for example, or violently oppressive systems that rob people of their self-determination to various degrees. That people are killed in genocides, in war, are murdered in the heat of emotion or in cold blood. Are murdered just because of who and what they are and no other reason.

Imagine the cost, the incalculable harm done to people, robbing them of their one chance to live an amazing or at least contented life.

There's no value in assuming that we chose to live any particular life. That's completely unfalsifiable and not remotely relevant. It's how we treat each other while we're here, while we're alive. That's what matters, no matter what may or may not happen when we die.

There is value in accepting the possibility of an afterlife or reincarnation - that's the point of Pascal's Wager. I prefer a combination of the above and Pascal's Wager. On the one hand, if there is an afterlife, you don't really want to get there having nothing to show for it but petty cruelty and violence. On the other hand, if there isn't an afterlife (or reincarnation, etc) it is the height of cruelty and hatred to deny people the ability to live a fulfilling life for their one go at it.

If one's religious beliefs justify hatred and oppression, or if one's religious beliefs rely on people being responsible for choosing their life circumstances before they're even born...that's just an abdication of responsibility for what happens in this world - the real world.

Your examples don't denote a victim complex.

A victim complex is generally a delusional belief that you're being victimized, even though you're not.

Being made fun of because you're a nerd constitutes real victimizing, albeit a rather tame one (depending on its severity, of course. There's been plenty of people who've killed themselves due to bullying or have had mental problems from such).

I was one of the friendless people when I've first joined WP and I had a lot of things to vent about. I vented about one thing or another twice a week on average. I didn't really have any friends in real life until 2007. Nowadays, I like to help my fellow members as much as possible. I still vent about some fears that I have. Having a social network works.

Re: the whole refusing to change thing.

Sorry if this point has been raised but I have very little focus ability tonight so I'm just skimming through the posts.

Learned helplessness is not a victim complex. When you struggle a lot with your symptoms or situation and you find there is no escape then you basically just give up because you've lost all hope that you can get better.

For me it happened with my anxiety. I have severe GAD and I did once reach out and ask for help but it involved me having to face more anxiety and I just couldn't do it. I literally could not make the call to find another doctor and go to a new doctor's office. That type of change gives me crippling anxiety. The type of anxiety that gives me seizures which needless to say makes me immobile and less able to go see a doctor on my own.
The way I reached out for help made it worse. People don't respond how I would think they would when you talk about wanting to do self-harm. To me it sounded like that meant I needed immediate medical attention, but then someone just took it personally. Then I further screwed it up by comparing suicidal attempts verses people who have actually killed themselves. Something about how people react differently. I actually thought I was bringing up some good points. At least that person has forgiven me about it and we both admit to being a bit selfish about the whole ordeal.

I actually do feel nervous about talking about the negative parts of my bipolar because I won't seek treatment for it because of the little positive I get. Mania is motivation and focus to me. Without that I would struggle to get basic tasks done. Maybe. But I don't want to risk losing that.

I talk about this stuff so matter of factly that it hardly sounds like I'm whinging.

Then I can get so frustrated with how people treat me that I'll refuse to comply with them. It might last a few days and it's like learned helplessness if defiance was a symptom of it. It really comes out of the stress and exhaustion at trying to do better by working so hard to manage your symptoms.

Now when speaking about people that refuse to listen to suggestions of help, well when a person has anxiety these kinds of suggestions will cause a great deal of panic in them that often comes out as anger. So, they're just seen as brushing someone off rather than being in such severe mental anguish that they think they are unable to carry out those steps to ameliorate their symptoms.

For most of us with autism who have that common fear of change symptom, even good change that will lead to recovery of mental health issues (or some other problem in our lives) will be scary.

I'm unemployed, depending on family, with a plethora of mental health issues as well as some physical ones and epilepsy which I can't see ever getting better because I'm too damn scared to see a doctor on my own cept for my psyche who I once said I was suicidal to who disregarded it, so now I hardly trust doctors. There's more to it than that. At night when I go to bed I have severe depressive thoughts that lead to suicidal ideation, but then I just power through the next day.

The people who say I chose all that can go f**k themselves. I don't even live in the city I want to live in. And I want a bigger dog. Actually, my emotions make all my choices for me. Even when I know maybe I shouldn't be doing something because how it might just blow up in my face later, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

And that's pretty much all I feel capable of saying now.