Aspergers and victim complex

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Sorry. I got confused when I read (I think) something about the person starting a new thread every couple of days. That would mean he just posted such a thread two days ago and now will do so maybe today (or maybe not today after he has been reading all of this:-) I am laughing at mysefl when I write this...Literal aspie thinking on my part, which I just slipped into...

As far as being toxic and dysfunctional, if the person is very active on the system and so is reading this, I think it might be. Cross talking about a person in front of him talking about his specific problem and not including him is imo a form of discounting and bullying someone, but it appears after you explained that in this case that is not happening. If someone made a thread about it once years ago or something, then that would be different.

But to the people who are interpreting these kind of generalizations as personal and getting all bent out of shape, imo this is toxic to yourselves, and I think you are blowing things way out of proportion, which is dysfunctional.

Tp halle_bopp. I don't think your thread was that well worded, but I don't think the wording was so bad, either. I very easily got the gist or what you were trying to say, and several others did, too. In short I completely get the point you are trying to make, but there is a question arising for me about the functional value of talking in general about people who have this kind of problem, as it probably does not have that much of an effect of changing them. If I write any further on this thread, this is the angle I would like to enquire into. One of the main purposes of communication is to sort stuff out and clarify in regard to ones own thinking and also to understand other people's point of view better, and this thread has accomplished that for me, at least a little.

Maybe it bothers people because once they start talking to them and trying to help, they actually start caring about them. Just because it's typed doesn't mean it's not real people behind the screen.

I know someone (NT) who has a manipulative ex husband that keeps going on and off being nice then being a jerk and making her pay his bills. I have told her countless times that she should be suing for child care costs and child support, but she just doesn't seem to want to do it. I even offered to draft the legal forms but she keeps putting it off. Maybe I'm just too "black and white" and interpret the ex husbands behaviour as asinine and close off any empathy for him when things go wrong for him. I write off his misfortunes as karma and get frustrated when my friend goes to help him. I'm on the spectrum and she's not, yet I have a loving spouse who feels the same way I do about her situation. I just want to yell get off your butt, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and nail his butt to the wall in court and show no mercy....he's a bully and deserves whatever misfortune comes his way. My husband agrees with that. During the past several years I have had the mentality of stop feeling sorry for myself and it landed me a good job whereas I'm one of the senior employees and I have a wonderful husband who loves me and respects me. Sometimes it's just our attitudes sometimes mixed in with luck that determines who we are. I sometimes still have nightmares and flashbacks of being mistreated in school, but I block them out by forcing my mind to come back to the present and focus on what I'm doing.

Expressing annoyance tends to negate any assumption that there's actual caring. It just looks high-and-mighty, and stubborn. Getting annoyed makes it appear you think the solution is easier than it is for them. It's hard to form an accurate assessment over the internet. You only know what the person communicated to you. They might have already tried your advice, or they might not have. They might not try because they're afraid it won't work. I'll admit this happens to me. Call it a "victim complex" or call it anxiety avoidance. In any case, positive encouragement is way more likely to help than acting annoyed and saying things that shame the person. If nothing you say helps and they just repeat the same complaints over and over, then they are likely just expressing frustration and don't necessarily want practical advice. In that case someone on the internet isn't likely to help. They just want to feel heard so they can temporarily feel less alone. Seeking sympathy shouldn't be considered shameful just because it doesn't solve the problem. You know what happens when people are continuously shamed for seeking sympathy? They get bitter and angry instead. They blame other people because they're tired of people taking advantage of their vulnerability by attacking them for it. When people constantly feel attacked they tend to attack back.

I agree, but its not a hate thing to me....you know I just think people need to take this into account, no ones perfect so people who have done that aren't bad people per say.....but yeah it does make one come off as a jerk. But yeah just like you can't assume everything about someones life over the internet....if someone comes off as a jerk with a post it doesn't actually mean they are constantly a jerk.

Yeah I never remember the names of old movies I've watched except I do remember The African Queen or whatever....now that's a great movie to not about gaslighting or anything obviously.

It doesn't change how people feel just because you assume they feel a different way. So, you don't ever get annoyed with people you care about? It also doesn't matter whether you think it looks high and mighty or stubborn or whatever. If I give somebody advice, I'm really trying to help them and I obviously care enough to sit down and type it out.

You mention positive encouragement like it's something nobody ever does who ends up annoyed with somebody. You keep giving someone positive encouragement over and over and over and yet they get more and more bitter the more you try to encourage them. When someone blows off a logical solution by saying "It won't do any good" over, and over, and doesn't give you a reason why they can't or won't try it, it pretty much gives you the impression that they don't really want a solution, they just want people to feel sorry for them. There is a difference between wishing you had a viable solution to your problem and complaining about the lack of one and just wanting to complain about the problem so you get attention and pity for it, and people are on your side against whatever it is you seem to think is the root of your problem. Eventually you get frustrated with them and realize that they don't really want help, they just want people to pretty much give them permission to not work on the problem and absolve them from everything related to it. That's where it becomes victim mentality instead of a real victim. When the main goal of complaining is to get people to agree with you that you couldn't fix the problem thats bothering you, rather than seeking a solution or speaking out about your problem and the real reasons why you can't fix it so that maybe somebody else can avoid that situation themselves, it becomes victim mentality. Sure, it's normal and natural to complain about something you can't fix, even if it's just go vent. That's normal. That's healthy. But when it becomes an ongoing theme, then it's victim mentality.

The way I see it is, this is a website where people come to find support. Inevitably you're going to see a lot of problem-oriented postings. But just because someone's venting about an issue in their life, doesn't automatically mean they're saying they're th only person in the world to have that problem, or that aspies are the only people, etc.

Coming to a support forum to mull over with other about having been bullied at school says nothing about "And we are the ONLY ones to suffer so." I think many here realize that some issues in life overlap into NT lives and experiences as well.

But what does that have to do with discussing them anyway? Of course they will be under discussion. This place is for that.

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I've never seen anything with Bogart in it, but I really do want to watch Casablanca. My husband loves that movie, and The Maltese Falcon. I did however, read Lauren Bacall's autobiography.

^THIS. And this too :

Yes,I agree with mashall.Plus I get sick and tired of
getting accused that I haven't improved myself or try to.
I have,I modified alot of my behavior and done
tons of improvement of myself.

Dear Bleh - Thanks for your input. There is however another aspect to what I'm dealing with w/ASPD types which I never had a term for before. It's called "Daminato Memoriae" (damned/erased through eternity).

This began in the '90s for me as I separated from business from the others. By '97 I was exiled and not spoken of/to due to this. I returned to my "homelands" in 2000 to prepare for my retirement on a "family" nature/game reserve I super helped create, build and equally pay for. But through various means the "family' kept me out of access while they used it up - a 10 year exile. Worse, the place was no longer income producing and in debt, which I was not told of, although "family" registered me as corp. Pres. - without meetings or votes! When the clear need to sell this great place was realized by all, the others took over. In the sale brochures and website there were no photos of me, my past and contribution there, only the others. I was not consulted on anything re this place's end. There were photos of the others there at that place, but not of me. When my Mother was dying in '09, I was not informed, but mass emails were sent around town and everywhere else by my younger sister - she had edged me out of the estate through her suck ups.

Since then, to present, I "sense" this need/objective to erase me from contribution/memory This seems the worst of psychopathy and is little understood.

Another fragment of a "story best not told". FYI, for the wary.

It matters what other people think because they aren't you and don't necessarily see things the same way you do.


Maybe the solution that seems so logical to you doesn't seem feasible to them. If they thought your solution would work they would probably be more eager to try it. If they say they don't believe it will work, they most likely really don't believe it will work. Notice I didn't say it won't work, just that they don't believe it will work. Also, to claim they don't want help just because they're venting is putting your own assumptions about their motive into their head. You say you don't like it when people claim you're intentionally acting high and mighty and trying to insult people. Telling them they don't want help is the same thing. It's obnoxious to have people tell you you think something you don't really think. The real crux of the problem is they don't believe the solution you give will work, not that they don't want help.


And if they do have a "victim mentality" what good does it do to attack them and judge them? People get more bitter and resistant when they feel they are being attacked and criticized. Where is your logic? What's your goal? If you don't have a goal and you're just venting, then you're doing the exact same thing they are. You're complaining about a problem you don't know how to fix, the problem of getting other people to take your advice. What's the logic of doing that if all you do is upset people more? There's no difference.

People accuse you of things because you make blanket statements about groups of people and oversimplify things in ways that make you appear bigoted. You're not the only one that's sensitive.

That's very wise.

I agree.