Talking behind people's back

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I am always mystified by this phenomenon as I can't even imagine myself doing this to anyone.

Why do NTs do this? Why can't they be direct? What are they talking about? What do they get out of it? What can aspies do to stop it?

Dude. I don't get this either!

I've had a few experiences in the workplace with "NT" people talking about other "NT" people behind their backs with me around, and I always feel like they just expect me to join in... like there's some un-written code that you can't just keep your mouth shut about people who other people are talking about, which I think is weird. What makes me really uncomfortable is knowing that the same people are talking about me when I'm not there, too; I know they are, because they just talk about whoever isn't around!

I find it easier to understand this kind of behavior if I think of socializing as a "special interest;" like, I imagine that these "NTs" are just obsessed with other people and they can't control those thought patterns, and those thought patterns spill out of their mouths like an AS kid's obsession with dinosaurs or my boyfriend's obsession with cars.

As for how to stop it, I just comment about the other person (or this person's problem with that other person) as politely as possible and try to redirect the conversation. Doesn't always work.

what's worse than backbiting is talking IN FRONT OF somebody as though they were not even there! can't count the number of times that has happened to me. damned infernal people

I was a severe victim of this in my youth, though my parents thought I was just being paranoid. Turns out I was more right than I knew that literally everybody was talking about me behind my back (except a couple close friends). I am not even joking. People who had no contact with me personally were doing this to me too. AS wasn't diagnosed until adulthood, nobody had any idea what was wrong with me, so I was some sort of novelty (because I liked some toys/cartoons that was "for boys" and was all around "weird").

In my experience most people do that to some extent. It's kind of understandable that people talk badly of someone behind his/her back because if they do that to his/her face, there surely will be a tense situation or even a fight. Of course they could choose not to talk badly of someone if they can't say it to his/her face.

The ones that I really don't understand are the ones that talk badly of others for the sake of it and often not necessarily based on facts, particularly about other people's personal life etc. Sadly and strangely, many people are very willing to believe such stupid untrue gossip. I know some at my work were saying that I can't have sex because I am scared of germs on other people's body etc. Some people who don't even know me personally talk badly of me at work because of unnecessary and untrue rumors. That kind of behavior shows the quality of those people.

I don't know any autistic person IRL. So I can't say much about other autistic people, but I believe that even autistic people are not immune to that kind of behavior.

They're not. Everyone does it. I have had my experience of other people on the spectrum doing it. How many times have we seen someone come on this forum and talk about their families or other people? People also go in a therapist's office and talk about other people.

But there are some people do it just for the heck of it than because they are ranting or just happened to be talking and then a person comes up in topic. What I can't stand is when I talk to someone and that person goes around repeating what I said about someone. Other aspies have had their share of sharing their personal opinion about someone and I never went to that person and told them what another member said about them or go around telling other members what a member said about another member. But there are some people that really do this. In high school, kids would ask me what I think of someone and then they would go to that person and tell them what I said about them. It took me a while to not trust them. All I learned is to not trust people if they ask what I think of someone because they could just be looking for gossip and trying to start a fight. I don't know what my school mates intentions were when they did it. Maybe they liked gossip or to start drama. I doubt aspies are immune to this.

People used to talk alot behind my back. When i was 17 years old, the only way for me to show interest in someone (or pretend to.. just to fit in) and having a conversation was to keep asking questions, this really made people upset. When i went downstairs at my acquaintance's place and put on my shoes, i heard this nasty conversation of them upstairs thinking i was mentally ret*d and how annoying i was


When a group talks about a person, i tend to walk to that person later and say everything that they were talking about behind his back without showing any emotions on my face, just for the lolz.

I dont like these type of conversations at my work, i always say things like "I dont know him enough to talk about him" or "I am not interested in someone's problems and personal life, i only expect people to do their jobs and function"

Majority rules when it comes to this issue. Most people do it so it's 'normal'. I think it's about social stability like venting without confrontation and aggression. But that itself can lead to problems. I think most people see it as cold or too black and white but if I don't like someone or I know they don't like me then I just don't bother with them. I don't talk to them unless they say something to me first. I'm polite but I think it would be cruel to them to act like I like them if I don't. That's just me though and I expect people to treat me the same

I don't understand it either. All of my co-workers are like this. I found out, through my ways, that two people were talking about me somewhat maliciously behind my back too about a meltdown I had. Neither of these people know that I know they were talking about me and continued to socialise with me as per normal. Lo and behold, I went out to lunch with one of them (I initiated the contact) and she must have thought I had the intention of confronting her so the first thing she blurted out was an apology - saying she wasn't a willing participant in the gossip (lol what?). One thing about these NT's is that they feel intense guilt, I'll give them that.

I find I'm often dragged into gossip with these two people, sometimes about eachother. I just simply say "I don't have an opinion" or "Oh, ok." and end the conversation.

Usually when this is done, it doesn't give me much credibility and no one believes me or dismisses it as a lie, so I was considering carrying a tape recorder around.

I agree. It's more of an NT thing in my expereince but some aspies do it too. I think it's just plain wrong. It's unkind and often hurtful and serves no useful purpose whatsoever.

That's not guilt, that's embarrassment of being caught.

I hate it.