Flashback moment: Did they know or suspect back then?

Post Reply New Topic

I was diagnosed a few months ago with ASD at the age of 41. My parents claim that they had no idea and that they did not test for things like that when I went to school in the 1980s.

I'm having a "WTF moment" right now. I was rewinding my memory reel to the later half of 1980s and I'm about 15 years old. My mom, a grade school teacher, is having a colleague over to our house for coffee and biscuits. The colleague is the school psychologist at my mom's school. Suddenly the psychologist pats me unexpectedly on the back and I just shrugged it off. Later on she tells my mom that she was impressed that I was able to handle unexpected touching so well. I didn't think much of it then, but now I'm like "WTF? Did she know/suspect that I was Autistic? Why would she do and say something like that otherwise?"

What do you say? Am I reading too much into this incident or not?

She must have seen signs and have discussed it with your mum. I can't see any other reason for her saying that. My mum insists I was a "normal" child even though I spent my whole life telling her there was something seriously wrong with me. It seems to be the luck of the draw you either have a mum who is sensitive or not. Now I'm diagnosed at 46 and my daughter is going through diagnosis but my mum is still in denial thinking that broccoli will solve our problems ... apparently it's on the news !

Sorry that's a bit random but it's been a tough day.

Unfortunately my mom is a very secretive person. Everything shall be hidden. Don't admit to anything. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.

Maybe. But it could have been something else, like just a comment of you not being jumpy or nervous. Its impossible to be sure with just a fragment of a conversation. In most respects this is water under the bridge though. You have a known communication issue with your Mom already. So at most its just one more secret kept. She might not have been doing you a disfavor by not telling you either, if it was just a suspicion. If a person is doing alright without knowing, why risk messing with it.

Maybe your parents saw you had problems but had no idea it was related to autism because people weren't really aware of it back then which is why it wasn't tested for. Your parents may still not really be aware of what autism is except for the stereotype in the media of like Rain Man & think you don't fit that.

I honestly have so many question for my mom who seems to forget everything about my past behaviors or just not think any of my differences from my sisters as being significant. Just Yesterday she casually mentioned how the only person who could understand me up in till the age of three was my older sister, and that my uncle's girlfriend who I think worked somewhere in the field of child development always asked if I had or that I needed to "be tested".

I did have speech delays as a small child and spoke in "baby language" longer than other kids. I have often been told that my sister had to translate for me because my parents couldn't understand me.

It is possible that your parents had no accurate idea. They probably noticed that you had individual mannerisms and differences etc that seemed individual to you, though they may have seen that in the context of your individual personality. In the 1980s the popular depictions of ASD were very extreme, and not representative of the great majority of us. Because of this many of us didn't recognise ourselves, either..

Getting back to your parents, there is not knowing and there is wilful blindness. The latter (I am guessing) is more likely to occur in parents who worry what others think of them, and modify/govern their behaviour with the consistent goal of looking good in other people's eyes. At its worst this tendency morphs into very hypocritical behaviour. Did superficial appearances matter more to them than substance and character?

You will know best which was the best fit for your parents, and that perhaps will point you to your answer...

No, I don't think you are reading too much into it. The key word is "impressed". Shrugging off a pat on the back is something that probably nearly all teenagers would be expected to do; why would she be impressed by that? Ask your mum if she remembers that day and what she spoke about with the psychologist. Hopefully she'll be open now that you have an actual diagnosis; there hardly seems any reason for concealment anymore.

I didn't overhear it myself, but my mom made a point of letting me know about it afterwards. I guess for some reason it was important to her at that time. I was like "Why are you telling me this?" in my head.



I'm not sure about it. My mom have always been a very secretive woman and excessive worrier. Everything seems to be a secret with her.

Last edited by Swiper on 18 Oct 2014, 8:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think it has more to do with denial, i.e. "nothing is wrong with out kids". I'm completely convinced my older brother is an Aspie. He has some unusual special interests in his youth that he obsessed about. He was also a bully at home and a getting in trouble at school. When he was in 4th grade his teacher tried to have him transferred to a school for intellectually challenged kids, but my parents fought that hard and threaten with legal action against the school so it was dropped. My brother later had a psychosis in his teens but recovered from it and earned a PhD. My mom is very proud about the fact that they stopped the transfer and considers my brother's later success as a vindication of their decision.

In 1979 I was in middle school. The school made a psychological report on me I was 14-15 at the time. My mom said I had "autistic mannerism". This is before AS was part of psychiatry vocabulary. In the end the school didn't treat me for my mannerisms.

This is what is what I was thinking. AS wasn't a part of DSM-IV until 1994... even then it wasn't a well known thing.

My mum noticed i was different and was embarrassed ~ she thought my general silent +/ 'dreamy' ways, and my occasional excited bouts of chatter, made her 'perfect' family look weird. I dont remember her having a go at me for talking to myself / my toys, but she used to talk to herself as well so maybe thats why. # However, my being scared of things like hoovers and clowns made her think i was stupid ~ i remember [when i was somewhere between 4 and 8, i think] sitting beteeen my parents on a back row seat in a circus tent, being amazed by the trapeze artist/s, when the clowns came on ...and feeling scared of them and annoyed by their intrusion, their shocking appearance, hyper activity, and noise ...and being very glad when told (probably by my dad) that they were going to go away soon ...BUT, then, one of them came up a nearby aisle and headed in our direction, talking like he wanted us to join in with something, so i screamed. My dad thought that was funny, but he did put his arm round me and shoo the clown away ~ my mum was mortified and (if memory serves) made us leave straight away. She never forgave me for embarrassing her like that. # l only had a couple of friends when i was little, and that was only because they kept starting kind conversations with me and inviting me to hang out with them, which was fun. My mum was embarrassed about that too ~ she used to mock me to her [few] friends, but i think she did that to find out what they thought about such things, and to 'snap me out of it' (which i guess other people had done to her, so she didn't know what else to do ...at least i like to think that was the reason because i cant believe people are born wicked). One of her friends seemed to like me, and even used to cut my hair for me; i dont know why they didnt stay friends. # Secondary school was a nightmare coz those junior school friends had moved away and i didn't know how to cope with another large group of strangers ~ on my first day my mum chose a seat for me, next to a girl she thought looked nice, but no one else did anything to help me settle in. When i had to choose subjects for my 'career' i didnt know what to do ~ most bits of the adult world id seen didnt appeal to me and i didnt see how some of the subjects could lead to a job. My dad defended my right to do the subjects i was best at, even when the head complained i hadnt chosen a science ...not that i stayed to do my exams; the writing side of things was too much for me and when my dad kicked me out (for prefering my new boyfriend to him) my saturday job boss (who was one of the very few kind adults ive ever met) gave me a full time job, so i left school. # Since then, most people assume im stupid +/ lazy, even tho ive worked very hard to improve my spelling and vocabulary, and even tho ive spent my whole adult life reading about why the world is like it is, & why my parents / teachers / therapists etc behaved in the unhelpful ways that they did. Afew social service people think that means im clever ("too clever" to need their help with anything) 'so' its not likely im going to get the help ive asked for, let alone have family again ~ one of my mums sisters was kind to me even tho she noticed i was different, and [unlike other family members] she has always stayed friends with my mum and has tried to encourage her to be more independant like her, but my mum doesn't trust her any more than she trusts me, so on the rare occasions we were all together we didnt talk about anything important, & I havent seen that aunt since before the last time my mum visited me 10ish years ago (when my youngest child went in care because i was too physically ill and mentally exhausted to cope with his ADHD & the education depts complaint procedures ETC anymore). # No point talking about my sons dad coz it would just be more of the above problems. # PS: I stopped my dad taking advantage of me when i was ten (/ after i got my first period and a friend explained that meant i could get pregnant ...when i realized my dad was acting like i was already an adult) but he never forgave me for that and got very jealous when i got a boyfriend. NB: that is not what makes me bisexual ~ i think whats between a persons ears is more important than whats between their legs.