Mom of recently diagnosed 14 yr. boy - would like to talk

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I'm a mother of a newly diagnosed 14 year old boy, with mild aspergers.

Would like to talk and compare notes with slightly older male aspies (20ish) or their moms to see how the teenage years evolve.

He has been heavily "socialised" since age 3 when started school. parties at home, play dates at home, belonged to a scouts-like boys club, very close to his sister who is one year younger than him etc. Never been made fun of or marginalized, even tho I've been told he has had a few "peculiar" acting moments at school, nothing major at all, but once he was told not to do that he usually gets it and stops. Executive function has always been a big problem. He has 123 Wisc-IV IQ and in perceptual reasoning 134. High IQ, very poor grades with lots of help with private tutors and from mom. High abilities in math and science but even those subjects can be bad due to aversion to learning new vocabulary, difficulty in explaining the concepts (he goes around in circles), and lack of attention in class.

I have so much incertainty regarding what is normal and what is not. He does go on and on (when he's not on minecraft) about specific interests (drones, minecraft, the economy, but on a child-like level). He's got the typical monosilable answers like many neurotypical young teen boys when you ask him about his feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. I don't know how much is aspergers and what is simply being an adolescent.

I am so worried about how his life will develop, I do everyting in my power to help him. Has core group of 5-6 boys from his class who are friends, and who happen to be high achievers. they come to my house every friday to eat and play and in school no one makes fun of him, they seem to love him and want to help him. He's been with the same kids since he was 3 years old.

He's sweet, tender, tries to be funny, seems to understand irony, is obsessed with minecraft, loves science and is currently in an after school 2 hrs. per week arduino robotics class. He loves it no attention problems there.

Until his sister became a tween, they were inseparable, the best of buddies every single day. Now his sister is 12 and just wants to be alone.

I need to contact people who have a similar situation or a mom of someone who can give me an idea of what the emotional development will be like until he's around 20ish. I know in general even neurotypical 14 year old boys are not big "sharers" or communicators and I "get" that he loves us, and he definitely knows that we love him. I don't think that's a big problem, but I wonder if he'll mature a lot these next few years. From the outside you'd never know he had aspergers (except for the academic struggles). He goes to therapy twice a week. His only big obvious problem (again, from the outside) is executive function. He doesnt know how to take notes, prioritize, study techniques, etc. schoolwork is so hard on both of us. He has a tutor at home 4 days per week for an hour or 2. How long will he be "stuck" in this stage of passivity or laziness regarding studies and how much is normal for a 14 year old teen and how much is going to be life-affecting? Will he ever become more mature, independent, like all boys do, or will his mild aspergers limit him so that his autonomy is seriously reduced forever?

I just want people to talk to about how hopefully they change and figure out the world better at 20 than at 14. Hes very childlike in his view of hte world, in spite of his relatively high IQ. And so passive about studying, someone always has to study with him and do his outlines, and quiz him paragraph by paragrpah, and help him memorize, etc. otherwise he just sits there waiting to be told what to do. How could he ever do college that way? Mommy won't be allowed to sit in class with him and she certainly can't do college-level work.

As a young man with Asperger's in college, I certainly see where your son is coming from, and I'm sure my parents felt the same way you do now(probably still do ), and I do a lot of the things that you say he does. The thing about college is that he'll be able to take courses that interest him(probably why he isn't so great in high school, like I wasn't). He will mature but never grow out of his Asperger's, but that's not entirely a bad thing. A lot of important people throughout history had Asperger's, like Albert Einstein, and Thomas Jefferson. It sounds like your son has a bright future ahead of him, Just make sure to do your best to love and understand him for who he is, and not expect him to conform to what society wants him to be.


If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

From reading your post. I can see that your son has a very severe "executive function" disorder. If your son is to live independently. He'll need to get that fix asap. Other then that. It seems that He is having no problem getting along with other student at school, although that could be because he's in a controlled environment. Once he gets out into the workforce. that could be a whole other matter.

I wish the best for you and your Sweet Pea.

Hi Consuelo, and welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry but creating duplicate posts is against the rules, so I've deleted the other four identical threads which have been reported.

Hi there, you've come to the best place possible!

Having said that, we have a saying around here - "if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person". We're not necessarily going to be able to give you all the answers because we're not exactly the same as your son. I hope we can still be useful all the same!

Does he have problems with all aspects of studying, or will he study normally for science lessons, for example?

Lupaluna: Yes, I've sent an email to his therapist to stop working the social and start working the executive function, learning to summarize from his textbooks, etc. Have not heard back from her, but it is a serious issue. Poor thing. He's so smart. It's not fair.

I've also told him that he can't use minecraft anymore as his study rests and free time until he finds another hobby as well. Hes all mopey now. But he hasn't slept enough. We live in Spain and they changed the clock already and didnt get enough sleep. I understand that aspies have to work much harder to adapt to their environment so fatigue is common.

The ritalin not sure how much it helps. But ive read and been told by a neurologist that it can help develop the frontal lobe.

Butterfiend: I am curuious as to your experiences in high school and college. The thing about college is that there are also required courses. Here in Spain there is an alternative, which is 2 years after high school of a specific area like softeware or engineering, where you don't get the college degree, but you get most of its contents without the fillers. So if he studies software for robotics for example, he won't have to take history or other core courses.

I don't care what society wants, but he has to live in it. And I want him to be happy. And to not be lonely.

LupaLuna - i don't know what Sweet Pea means but I adore the Kinks ever since i first heard them around in the mid 70's (I'm that old). Celluiloid heroes, low budge, lola, gallon of gas, love them. but havent listened to them in years.

I have to make dinner (it's 830pm in spain and would like to ask more questions but will have to another day. thank you so much for answering ! !

cockney rebel, sorry it was you who liked the kinks.

Booyakasha, but i wanted to post the message to the specific interets (parents, adolescents, college students) so that i could get as many viewpoints as to as possible. Can copy-paste it one at a time on each site on different days ?

the Walrus - when i get a few minutes, i'll post specific questions. This is the first time that i've ever participated in a forum discussion so i'm not sure how to manage posts and the answers received if i'm not on it constantly. Math he always did on his own, but when it got more complex like algebra (it's a language) and he wanted to do everything in his head we had to check it. Algebra he didnt like at all that he had to write out all the equations.

No. every assignment someone has to be directing his studies at the very least, answering the textbook questions he does on his own but I know that he is very sloppy and doesnt put the effort to do it well (that's not aspergers, thats just lazy). But studying to remember facts you i'm like a mama bird. first i digest it, then I put it into bits and then i feed it to him. clearly he has "selective attention" "selective learning".

okay, here's a specific question for whoever can answer me - does executive function improve over time (from adolescence to adulthood) ?

and another one is do you ever feel sorry for yourself for having these difficulties which make life more complicated?

and another one is do you feel lonely?

Has anyone seen the movie Adam? What do you think of it?
I saw it on a flight 5 years ago (so i don't remember it that well) but at the time it made me think about my son, but it was when i didnt think he had aspergers.

Good! get him started right away.



Change on routine can be hard for an aspie. If you want him to do a hobby. Get him a robotics or electronics kit. If he like ardunio's, get him a Raspberry Pi computer. Another thing to do is try to take him out to a scrap yard and see if he can find something out there to mess around with. I found a old electric wheel chair at a scrap yard and turned it into a big robot that roams around my house.



God forbid! Don't put him on that sh!t. You'll zap his mind of his coordination and choreography skills. My mom tried to put me on that sh!t and it was just awful. Find an alternative at all costs.



You're lucky that collage over there allow you to take courses that you like without the filler. They don't let you do that here in America.

I too am an engineer as well. Science, technology, math and engineering are a strong suit for aspies. good field for your son to pursue.




I won't candy coat this. Being an aspie is a very lonely life. Even if you have friends. You still can't connect to others in an emotional way. That's the curse that comes with being an aspie.

I don't want to pry about personal matters on such a public space, but if anyone can give me some observations on aspies and developing a romantic relationship, getting married, etc.

I'm so worried that my son will not be able to have a partner. He's very sociable, but he's passive. I've had to push him at every step of the way. Bringing friends home, having parties, having him join a boy's club, etc. His friends text all the time and he doesnt. he says that he hates the keyboard on the phones. that email is better. But he doesnt send emails either. By not texting at this age he misses out on a lot of stuff. conversations, homework questions, plans to go out, etc. I'm the one who picks up his phone every now and then to see if someone has texted him. His friends know that he doesnt use it (in spain they use WhattsApp).

If anyone has any comments on how someone with aspergers meets and connects and develops a relationship. I mean, what do you do? Say I like you but you have to know that I will not be able to fulfill some of the most normal expectations of a woman in regards to communicating and understanding your emotions, etc. ???????

Another thing, how do I keep my questions from being buried under all the others? Do I have to keep posting every day so that people can see it?

And another thing for the administrator, I thought I was going to notified when I received anwers, but that is not the case. How can I be notified ? Is it by email?

LupaLuna,

How does that lonelines feel?

What do you think when you feel it?

How do you overcome the loneliness?

Ive never heard of that computer. What kind of engineering do you do?

It can. but you really have to work at it. It's hard to describe it. But it's like going ageist are nature to do so.



Yes you can and you can also get frustrated and angry about it as well. You'll have to come to terms with it sooner or later as it's never gonna go away.



Yes! being lonely is part of being an aspie. Unfortunately, your son is gonna have to get used to it.

For me personally, I'd say yes, but I still have deficits to some extent. It takes practice to improve it. I'm not sure whether that's usually/always the case.



No, not really. I accept that I have certain strengths and weaknesses. While I think everyone would prefer having no weaknesses, it's not something that consumes me.



sometimes