I hate living here, but I don't know where to go

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I'm living with my grandparents right now. I don't really like living here, because they are not very understanding and they always treat me like the reason for my difficulties is that I'm just a stereotypical rebellious teen. I have told them I am not doing things to make them mad on purpose, and my grandpa says I apparently am "not in a position to make that call". Then he told me about some study, where they surveyed young people, and first tested them on different people skills, and then asked them how they thought they did. The people who thought they did the best scored the lowest. So somehow he thinks that proves that I can't judge my own intentions.

They think I should feel incredibly indebted to them for letting me stay here. Never mind the fact that I was homeless for over a week because my grandpa made me have a severe meltdown, and then told me I had to leave because I was out of control. I feel like it is probably only a matter of time before it happens again. Just the other day they were telling me I was so ungrateful, and I was telling them that I say "thank you" all the time. Then my grandpa said, "Yes, you do, but if you meant it, we would be able to feel it." How am I supposed to make them feel something? I eventually walked away, pulling my hair and growling, because I didn't want a repeat of last time.

I never wanted to come here, this was my only option besides trying to live on my own, and at the time I was doing horribly just living in a college dorm. I thought they would be satisfied with me having a job and pulling my weight around the house, but they think it is my responsibility in life to please them. And they have no problem telling me how much they hate my mom, and tell me not to be like her, even though my mom is the only parent I've had who actually seems to care about me. How could they possibly think being disrespectful to my mother will make me respect them? But I can't leave, my sister lives 2000 miles away, and now I don't even have a car.

Your grandparents are dicks, especially the grandfather. If you have a full-time job, then you should be able to afford to rent somewhere. It may be hard and lonely, but it's better to have your independence than to be indebted to a passive-aggressive bullying dickhead. Take it from me.

Try to work out why college dorm failed and then seek a different type of accommodation to that. If it was because of noise, parties, etc., try to find a room/flat in a quiet area with quiet neighbours who won't disturb you.

That doesn't make any sense.

Having intentions and knowing what they are doesn't require social cognition or any ability to judge your people skills. Knowing your intentions is not at all the same as knowing how your behavior affects other people.

Intentions alone don't determine how your behavior affects others so you can't work backwards and say, "That person made me angry therefore he must have intended to make me angry" (there's even a saying that has this basic fact as a premise: "The road to hell is paved with good intentions").

You may not be a good judge of how your behavior affects others, but that doesn't mean you dont whether or not you intend to affect others negatively....you're actually the in the best position for knowing your intentions, only you can ever know them for sure -- other people have to guess or rely on what you say.



Could you maybe ask them what would make them feel that you were grateful? Or what makes them think you don't mean it? I have no idea if this would be helpful or not, just an idea.



If you have a job, can you start saving money for a deposit somewhere or for a new car? Or apply for affordable housing or look for classes on independent living if you would need those things?

I had a car, until it broke down and costs way too much to fix. The dealership ripped me off. I convinced the manager to give me 50% of my down payment back for credit towards a new car, and I plan on going tomorrow. That's $1200, which is better than nothing I suppose. She is still being rude to me though, she always has an attitude when she talks to me. I tried going in on Tuesday to take a look at my options, and she wasn't there, and the salesman there told me I wasn't allowed to return my car, even after I told him I talked to the manager. So I called her to ask about it, and she said, "Well, if you'd just wait for me to be there, then you wouldn't be having this problem." I told her I didn't realize that she needed to be there for me to just look around at the cars in my price range (I would have done it by myself if they actually posted the prices on the cars in big numbers, but since they didn't I wanted someone to tell me the ones under a certain price). Then she said, "Well, like I said, if you'd just call me to tell me when you are coming, you wouldn't be having this problem." YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT, I DIDN'T FREAKING KNOW. That is what I said to her (minus the "freaking") and she just didn't respond. Probably because she knew she was being a jerk.

Anyway, my plan was to pay that car off, and then drive to my sister's and share an apartment. The problem is now it is going to take much longer than I was hoping to pay off a vehicle, as I have to basically start over with a different one. I might just decide to go live in my car though, until it's paid off and I can go to my sister's anyway. That often seems preferable to living here.

I know why they think I'm ungrateful. It's because I don't try to show them my gratefulness by doing what they want. What I mean by that is, they want me to make them look good and meet all their expectations. My grandpa literally told me he thinks it's my responsibility to make them proud.

I spent my whole life trying to make other people proud, and the one thing I learned is that they are never satisfied. They wanted me to do better. Getting the highest ACT score in the school wasn't something that got me any sort of recognition, they simply used it as "proof" that I am smart and I'm just not applying myself. Anytime I asked for help, I was told I was making excuses, and when I didn't, they said it was because I'm full of myself, and I think I don't need anybody.

I should stop before I start ranting about my family. But basically, I know that there is no pleasing them. They will always see me as ungrateful, because I'm not showing them my gratefulness by doing and being what they want.

Maybe you should buy a Kombi van. Then you would have wheels *and* accommodation.

I'm sorry to hear that! Well, life must go on.

To be honest, that sounds like a really good idea. First I have to look around at this stupid car dealership though, or else I'll be out the entire $2400 I paid them. I might just have to do that anyway if they don't have anything I can use, but I figured I might as well take a look at my options since they said they'd give me that credit towards another car.

I take it these are your dad's parents, these grandparents? Why do they hate your mom, do they think she screwed your dad over in a divorce or something? How come you're not living with your mom, if she's the only one that treats you like you're worth anything?

That's horrible.

I hope you can get out of there soon.

The people at the dealership sound maddening but I'm glad you at least get some credit towards a new car.

In a nutshell, yes. They had a lot of arguments from what I hear, and my mom is made out to be the sole perpetrator of them, and also that she apparently was very vicious with insults and such. Obviously I wasn't there, but I know my mom, and I find it hard to believe that she would do things like that. I CAN see them both being equally mean to each other. I'm not saying my mom was perfect, but my mom is a good person.

I one time told my grandpa (this was about 5 years ago now) that I was upset that my step mom had insulted my mother right in front of me. I hadn't talked to my grandpa that much before, but from what my dad said he was very understanding. I was expecting something like, "Perhaps she shouldn't have said that, but there's not much you can do about it unless you want to talk to her and your dad about it." Instead, he said, "Well, was what she said true?" F***ing dick (hey, I can say it if it's true, right?).

More recently, he told me, "Do you know what your mother did to your dad financially?" (That was the same night I posted this thread) I was thinking he was going to tell me that my mom took a ton of money without permission, got him in serious debt, something to that effect. No, my mom was using money that my dad GAVE HER PERMISSION TO USE in order to by herself and my older sister lunch most days, and probably other miscellaneous small items occasionally. Unknown to BOTH of them, that account was not a normal account that you can just make purchases from, and it was charging a $15 fee for every single transaction, making a $1 purchase $16. But she didn't know that, neither did my dad, until they'd lost close to $6000 and the bank sent them a notice about it. A HUGE amount of that was because of the fees. So how is that anyone's fault, let alone my mother's?



Because my step dad is a jerk. He does things like raise his fist at me, and yells and is verbally abusive all the time, and while he doesn't actually hurt me physically, all those things are huge triggers for me. I would rather not live with him.

My real dad said the lease they have only allows for 8 individuals, and as luck would have it, they have 6 kids still living with them, so I can't stay there either.

I have two options now: my sister's apartment, 2000 miles away, or my other grandpa (mom's dad), who lives in Alaska. But I wanted to stay here long enough at least to complete my evaluation. I've already been scheduled for months, for some reason the psychologist was totally booked all the way out to December.

But the other problem is, I still have to at least get this whole issue with the dealership worked out, and if I do get another car from them, they say I have to pay it off or get financing through a bank rather than them, or else I can't leave. I also got my new job, which is the first one that I actually somewhat enjoy, and I told my boss when I was hired I could stay for at least 6 months, which means until April. So I feel pretty stuck right now.