My autism makes me wish I was never born

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c0r
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25 Feb 2018, 10:55 am

I’m only good and college educated at one thing, medieval history which is useless. I can’t get a crappy part time job employers immediately think I’m bizarre. I get tricked and made fun of by people all the time I’m almost 30 and I’ve never had a gf.

I have a cousin with autism whose 5 and I cry when I see him acting out because I know his life is going to be hell.

It’s my parents fault because both me and sister have autism so I can never have kids because they might be autistic.



IstominFan
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25 Feb 2018, 11:02 am

At 30, I was nearly in the same place as you. I had a Master's Degree in English, but I felt I would never got a job because I was too different. Now, at 53 things are much better. Things can improve a lot if you don't give up. I am far from where I should be at my age, but I am farther along than I thought I would ever be just five years ago. I went through a dark time in 2012 when I thought my life was worthless, but that has changed now.



Daniel89
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25 Feb 2018, 11:04 am

I'm the same, I just have no idea how to function in life. Looking back on my life it shocks me how much harder normal life was for me than others.



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25 Feb 2018, 11:22 am

I know how you feel, except I'm the only one with a diagnosed ASD and ADHD in my family. There are one or two cousins of mine who display some ASD traits, they never as "severe" as me (although I'm not severe, but I'm still severe enough to be diagnosed in childhood and suffer social isolation, where as my 2 possible-Aspie cousins got invited to sleepovers and things as teenagers and had more friends than me in school, and weren't as badly behaved for their parents like I was).

I like my part-time job as a cleaner of buses, and maybe my job might turn into a mechanical career someday, but I've only ever had part-time cleaning jobs, while most people my age seem to be in higher class jobs and getting promoted. I know 2 people around my age who did badly in school, didn't turn up for classes or exams, got into drugs, and just didn't care about anything, but now they are succeeding in life in good jobs earning good money, and one of them is dating someone rich and rather famous. So "do well in school and you'll succeed in life" is complete BS to me. I first had sex at 22, but where I come from that's not "late", in fact that's quite average.

I know how you feel about children. I'm afraid to bring children into the world because of my higher than average chance of passing my ASD on to my children. I think NT parents don't think about disabilities so much when they have a baby, but because we have to live with ASD all our lives it will be on our minds more and we will feel guilty for passing it on and watching our kids suffer the same s**t we had. I know some people on the spectrum want their offspring to be on the spectrum too, but not me. I want normality when I'm a parent.


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c0r
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25 Feb 2018, 11:33 am

Thanks for the support but:
the point of life is to reproduce



Dear_one
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25 Feb 2018, 12:19 pm

c0r wrote:
Thanks for the support but:
the point of life is to reproduce


Every organism has an urge to reproduce, but in order for life to improve, there is selection. You have twice as many female ancestors as males, because men were selected in or out of the gene pool. Sterile men often help raise children anyway, often unwittingly. There are myriads of ways to contribute with special talents, while children are in great oversupply now. I have had a few jobs, but I have always planned in terms of my particular talents applied to a home business. It has gone better with an NT partner to help with the talking to people.



kraftiekortie
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25 Feb 2018, 12:24 pm

The point of life is to live it to the best of your ability.

I like medieval history myself.



Daniel89
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25 Feb 2018, 1:31 pm

Have you considered making youtube videos about History there a few great channels out there maybe you could even make some extra money from it.



jadix
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25 Feb 2018, 1:52 pm

c0r wrote:
Thanks for the support but:
the point of life is to reproduce

I hear what you are saying, my mother has bipolar and schizophrenia, and autism runs in our family, all genetic. I would offer that reproduction is not just biological. And I know many scoff at adoption when you want it to be your child, i want a biological child so bad it hurts. but if your biological family hurts you it really brings home how much what you contribute to your children and our society is ideas, and morals, and skills for coping. Our children are only ours for a short amount of time, and our genes are not the primary contribution. This is just me, but please don't value yourself fully on your struggles, but how you deal with them. Your struggles (because we don't learn without them) are what you have to give a child, because no one gets through life without hardship. You could adopt someone with Autism, because they are already born, and be able to help them with skills a neurotypical person could not relate to. Or you could adopt a neurotypical child, and teach them a fresh perspective, and love them, that's the best we could ever do for our children is love them. We don't really have a choice to make things easier, but things can be easier if we don't try to control what is out of our control. I don't think a life that you don't have to work for gains as much as a life you have to fight for tooth and nail. Your struggles can be your greatest asset. Those who suffer are our societies greatest perspective, because you don't understand suffering and know how to react to it unless you've lived it. And suffering takes so many forms, it allows you to be compassionate in ways others can't, and the world needs compassion more than anything, especially right now. That might not be an answer that makes it better, but that's what I got. I don't know how to do that. But I want to learn. Sorry for getting all philosophical. I hope you find peace and fulfillment, good luck :).



c0r
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25 Feb 2018, 2:38 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
The point of life is to live it to the best of your ability.

I like medieval history myself.

An individual can have a million diff reasons for life. Scientologists think the point of life is to get beamed up by a ufo. I think about the human race and what's required of me. I'm into early medieval history because I identify more with people who lived in small tribes, for the most part, and weren't exposed to sensory overloads and surrounded by strangers like today in freaking chicago.



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25 Feb 2018, 2:56 pm

c0r wrote:
Thanks for the support but:
the point of life is to reproduce


The point is whatever the heck you make it to be.

If you genuinely WANT kids? THEN reproduce. If you dont? Then dont. There is no "requirement". Never was.

I've never looked at it in the "need to reproduce" way. I hate kids. Always have, always will. And frankly, this stupid world is an overcrowded mess as it is. Doesnt need me adding more to it.

And you mention Chicago. I can tell you right now: The best thing you can do is to get the funky hell AWAY from there.

I live in Naperville. Off a bit to the south and west of Chicago, I think it is. I'm sort of on the border of "civilization", and unending grass (which is what most of Illinois is comprised of). I've been to Chicago itself very few times. And frankly, I LOATHED it. What a horrible hellhole of a city. As someone with autism, I cant even function in that nightmare. It's too crowded, the people are nastier than usual, the traffic is made of crazy, and the layout was designed by a maniac. It's pretty much hell in city form. I do ALOT of travelling, but Chicago still remains the single worst place I've ever been to.

If you can somehow get out of there, you will likely find things get sooooooo much better. I still freaking hate Illinois as a whole (because of the climate) but I can at least appreciate that *most* of it is quiet and calm. Only Chicago (and the areas closest to it) is that much of a bloody disaster. Other "cities" in the region are mildly annoying at worst.

I've never understood why anyone would ever actually want to go to that place. That's always baffled me.



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25 Feb 2018, 3:25 pm

When I was, I hoped to grow up, get married and have children. A medical condition changed all that for me. I don't think anyone would marry me in the first place and having children whose health is compromised would be very sad for me.



c0r
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25 Feb 2018, 5:18 pm

Misery wrote:
c0r wrote:
Thanks for the support but:
the point of life is to reproduce


The point is whatever the heck you make it to be.

If you genuinely WANT kids? THEN reproduce. If you dont? Then dont. There is no "requirement". Never was.

I've never looked at it in the "need to reproduce" way. I hate kids. Always have, always will. And frankly, this stupid world is an overcrowded mess as it is. Doesnt need me adding more to it.

And you mention Chicago. I can tell you right now: The best thing you can do is to get the funky hell AWAY from there.

I live in Naperville. Off a bit to the south and west of Chicago, I think it is. I'm sort of on the border of "civilization", and unending grass (which is what most of Illinois is comprised of). I've been to Chicago itself very few times. And frankly, I LOATHED it. What a horrible hellhole of a city. As someone with autism, I cant even function in that nightmare. It's too crowded, the people are nastier than usual, the traffic is made of crazy, and the layout was designed by a maniac. It's pretty much hell in city form. I do ALOT of travelling, but Chicago still remains the single worst place I've ever been to.

If you can somehow get out of there, you will likely find things get sooooooo much better. I still freaking hate Illinois as a whole (because of the climate) but I can at least appreciate that *most* of it is quiet and calm. Only Chicago (and the areas closest to it) is that much of a bloody disaster. Other "cities" in the region are mildly annoying at worst.

I've never understood why anyone would ever actually want to go to that place. That's always baffled me.

yeah i dont ever want to see chicago again. im one of three people in my area who dont speak spanish so finding a local job is hard.

yes you make am illusion the purpose of life is something other than making more of us but the bottom line is that is the purpose of all our lives



Misery
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25 Feb 2018, 10:17 pm

c0r wrote:
yes you make am illusion the purpose of life is something other than making more of us but the bottom line is that is the purpose of all our lives


Nah.

Where you even got that idea, I have no bloody clue. Dont get me wrong: It's an instinct. It's in the heads of many people. But it's not like there's some programmed rule built into the universe that says "If you dont reproduce while you're capable, you violently explode". Simply giving in to every instinct is a *really* bad idea. Frankly, I have an instinctive urge to punch and/or stab MOST people, but that wouldnt exactly be the brightest move, and I dont WANT to hurt anyone (usually) so I never act on it.

There's no illusion to me about this one. I hate kids (to the point where I tend to refer to them as "rodents"... no I'm not joking. Has the useful side-effect of making it so family members never try to get me to interact with the little snots), I've no desire to inflate the already bloated population of morons, and.... I also just tend not to give a fart. If someone ever waved some damn rulebook at me saying I had to do... that... I'd snatch it and beat them over the head with it.

Make your OWN choices. Dont let some imagined concept make them for you. There's alot of possibilities in the world, but if you try to hold onto some extremely arbitrary "purpose" (particularly when there's no actual law about it), you're just going to cause yourself no end of grief, and who knows what you might miss out on? And, honestly, trying to create a family out of that arbitrary rule, rather than out of genuine love, is going to cause OTHERS no end of grief. That sort of thing, it doesnt end well.

I apologize if some of this sounds unusually unpleasant. I am not in a good mood today so I probably sound more harsh than usual.



Dear_one
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25 Feb 2018, 10:57 pm

c0r wrote:
Thanks for the support but:
the point of life is to reproduce

Do you want to raise your own children, who may also wish they were unborn, or just get laid? Life has gotten so complex that most reproductive urges can be satisfied without engaging the full program.



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25 Feb 2018, 10:58 pm

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm happy to be alive.


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