Aspergers "introspection" and withdrawal.

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Hi everyone,

This is mainly geared towards people who have had a significant period of burnout relating to long term shutdown, before an official dx of AS(and how you managed after a dx) in and around mid-life age. I can name the month and year that it started for me. November, 2007 before diagnosis. However, the reason that I did not post this in the In-depth Adult discussion forum is because I would like others opinions or experience.

And I also apologise if this has been discussed to death.

Did you find or experience a specific period of time where you could not function and withdrew to the point of lengthy silences and even lost the COGNITIVE ability to "connect" with people?

Did people you are close to make comments like "You are more distant than usual/you stare into space constantly/you stim more". ?

In this period of burnout or shutdown, did your needs become more important than ever, in the case of feeling so needy that meltdowns ensue over the slightest change in routine, to the point were you feel like a 5 year old? For instance, every tuesday night I watch Insight on SBS. Last week my partner said to me, "What are you going to do when Insight finishes for the season? You need to start thinking about how you are going to fill that time slot, babe. Just be a bit better prepared so you don't suffer too much when it finishes." I sobbed like a baby and rocked away on my chair.

Did you often lament the seeming loss of IQ, or feel like your brain was a limp, saturated sponge that simply can't take anymore data in, and the data given to you goes around in this continuous loop like some massive decoder? Does it go on for weeks or days, one experience, trying to find the right data retrieval from a massive cognitive data base, to process it?

Did your sensory issues become so painful that you can barely tell which direction you are facing somedays?

I have read the document "Help! I seem to be getting more Autistic" and I agree with most of it, vehemently. It is EXACTLY how I am. But it is hard not to think of this as "regression". I do not want to make light of cognitive impairment diseases, but this feels so horrible, that I can only compare it so some quasi-dementia. And not having dementia, but knowing the symptoms.

I need to know that I am not alone in this and more importantly, I need to know that I am not going completely mad.

Mics

Right now I am struggling to finish my PhD work by the end of this summer or I will be stuck here for another 6 months.

I feel that I have gotten more autistic recently.

Last edited by Molecular_Biologist on 11 Jun 2010, 12:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

I went through a really bad patch at work, followed by severe depression and lots of horrible drug treatment. There was a long period where I was totally distant, had no concentration span to read, had no sense of time etc. I felt like my IQ had evaporated - mostly it has come back since then, although I am not as avid a reader and am not as focused as I was.

No DX, but I have read that article too and this is EXACTLY what I'm going through, also. It's happened in the past as well, but I've been going through this for almost 2 years, it's just progressing. I think living by myself has a lot to do with it.

I think I'll be ready to get closer to my "normal" self again soon, I really have no choice. Once I start school and everything I'm just going to have to find a way to deal, I will go back on meds if it comes down to it but t;s going to be the last option. I'm almost certain I could get an AS diagnosis right now, but I have other things going on and honestly this isn't the most convenient time for me to go through all the testing an analyzation AGAIN, I've already been through all of that and it really just throws me back into my own world. I need to be as in touch with reality as I possibly can be for the nest few years while I get my degree so AS is something I may have to put on the back burner. Sorry if that sounds demeaning, but if I am Aspie I am very borderline and these phases of extreme introversion come and go for me. I can function pretty normally most of the time. I AM very glad to have found out all that I have about AS recently because I'm 95% sure it's me, i just can't get too wrapped in it.

You are not going mad, lots of Aspies go through these phases. I think you'll be very relieved when you start feeling better, like you can't believe it ever got that bad in the first place.And it isn't :bad" really, this is just how Aspies are, it just makes it damn near impossible to function with the rest of society but I think we grow more as people during these times. They're like recharges, for me anyway.

I am dealing with this right now as we speak, and have been trying to deal with it since last fall. It is bloody difficult to get myself motivated day after day, not that I was highly motivated in my life anyway. I do not have a job, I am stuck at my mom's place for the time being - and am recently divorced. Getting out of the burnout phase would be wonderful, but I don't know if I can get out of it soon. I'm trying though and it's hard as it is. People would comment on that I could try harder, socialize more, stuff like that which I know would make matters worse for me or at least I feel it will.

I hate to be pessimistic but it's hard to be optimistic when you're in such a state like you and I are in now. I do hope that it will be better for me by the end of the year. At least that's a goal I can look forward to and work on.

I've been slowly coming back out of one of those time recently, after having these off and on you'd think or hope that recovering from them would get at least a tiny bit easier. Trying to explain it to the few people who I normally talk to is hard, the best I could describe it, for me at least, was like I was down in a deep black hole or well, alone, and everything and everyone was out of reach. So I have to keep clawing my way back up into life again. Even speaking was a huge effort. Needless to say, some of them still didn't get it.

Had the usual remarks of "think of happy things" "cheer up", etc. Feh.

No official dx, so take this as you like:

I didn't interact with enough people on a regular basis to hear anything like that, but I felt very, very numb. Like reality almost wasn't "real." I could see myself going through the motions of talking to someone, but as if from a 3rd person perspective. If I didn't push to do the 'acting,' there was nothing -- no "authentic" interaction was possible. It was weird as it felt like everything I said was a lie (even if true).



I flatly felt like I was becoming brain damaged. I could read the same page 6 times and still not be able to understand or remember it. I could even memorize something -- or at least the sounds of the words -- and run them around in my brain, but the meaning would never sink in.

As far as lamenting: yeah. Grad school, work, hobbies, daily self-care, even everyday thought processes -- it changed everything. It's been about 20 years since it started, and not to make this too depressing, but things haven't come back (in my case). I gather YMMV, though. And my life is a lot better, these days, in terms of stress and other things that do help to a limited degree.



Yeah, that HISTBGMA article was really amazing and helpful to run across.



In my case it feels like something extra, rather than regression. When I was kid I could write computer code easily, but then it became impossible. I was a fast reader with excellent comprehension and retention, but then all that became reversed. So there are things I did better as a kid than now. In a way, regression to a younger age might be helpful.

"Regression" as far as functioning in ways such that life is harder -- yeah. I can't complain, though, now. My circumstances are lucky. And I've had time to adjust.

I guess for me I always felt something was "off," and was continually working to present an acceptable image to the world. And, with huge effort and resultant huge stress, I managed it for a while. But as the other problems were added on it just overwhelmed what any level of willpower could manage. So it did force me to start dealing with my existence in a realistic/non-delusional way, instead of continuing to pretend my way into an early grave.

I should add that there have been improvements over time: The mood stuff and dissociation got better first, as the stress was lifted. The cognitive stuff, in my case, has gotten slightly better, though there seems to be some measure of it that is fixed.

It was really hard at first because no one understood or believed it. I had a doctor yell, "you don't have Alzheimer's!" in my face, when I never said I thought I had Alzheimer's. Bosses and relatives also didn't get or believe it either, of course. When neuropsych testing showed results, though, the critics thankfully started shutting up. I think the hardest part was dealing with other people's denial.

Thanks everyone for your replies........I feel a lot more "with it" now. It is less of an anomaly I am facing alone if others are experiencing similar things.

It is like, no 2 people can have EXACTLY the same hallucination. If 2 people have a hallucination that is the same, it is in fact not a hallucination, but reality, even if they cannot explain themselves what they have witnessed.

I have not explained myself very well I hope you understand what I mean. In other words, if I am not the only one, then I am not mad .

Cheers all,

Mics

i definitely fell flat on my face when i realized what had been causing me so many problems over the years, and i have had a more difficult time than usual functioning.

i think this "burnout" thing is very real. it was obviously taking more of me than i had to cope. like running a marathon when you only have the training to run a mile, and half way through, someone tells you you are only a miler and you collapse and can't run another foot.

and i too have worried that i was going mad.

i'm starting to feel a little better and i hope you do too.

Due to the nature of ASD, its been demonstrated as a difference in neurology (how your brain is formed and wired). i doubt there's a "get better" without actual alterations to the brains circuitry (can happen, traumas, certain drugs etc).

Observing people, AS and NT, Ive come to the personal conclusion that who you truely are is who you are at your WORSE times, because being more than that is usually a case of choice, a person tends to chose to NOT do something, resist an impulse in order to be good, this relates i think to the whole thing.

More stress = less resources on hand to deal with things.

if your relaxed and calm you've got more energy to put into lifting yourself and sometimes we do that lifting so much so often its natural, it makes a sort of medium a "normal" point, one we cant maintain when exhausted, one we find effortless to maintain when we're not.

I don't think this is a weirdness your describing, i think its a normalcy, its just that its RESULTS are different, but common for those like us.

And yeah, im going through a "down" point right now, the PTSD+agrophobia has given me other things to deal with ontop of AS in the NT world.

Yes, this happens to me as I get older. I think it is because when you get older, the body gets tireder, and you don't have the energy you had when you were younger. And dealing with Aspergers requires a lot of energy - lots of processing, lots of concentration, etc. For instance, I notice when I'm ill I'm a lot more autistic. And when I'm overly busy, or lacking in sleep. It's a question of simply not having the energy to employ all the strategies to function 'normally'. I've tried to adapt to it by taking life more slowly. I'm a student at the moment, and to begin with, I was full time and then had to take a year out because I felt like I was falling apart with the stress. I'm now part time and it's so much easier. I just have to make a conscious effort to get enough sleep and not to overdo things., and to sometimes have days where I stay at home and don't do much.

“Did your sensory issues become so painful that you can barely tell which direction you are facing somedays?

I have read the document "Help! I seem to be getting more Autistic" and I agree with most of it, vehemently. It is EXACTLY how I am. But it is hard not to think of this as "regression". I do not want to make light of cognitive impairment diseases, but this feels so horrible, that I can only compare it so some quasi-dementia. And not having dementia, but knowing the symptoms.

I need to know that I am not alone in this and more importantly, I need to know that I am not going completely mad.

Mics”


I am presently I believe nearing the end of a period like what you are describing. I was diagnosed very late in life, age 58 to be exact. I was well into my burnout at that point and was totally isolating, I had been operating far past my peak point of operating and dealing with situations for 30 years I had no business dealing with. However considering I simply did not know about having Asperger’s Syndrome how on Earth could I have done anything differently. I always knew that there was something wrong with me and I continually said this and that I was not coping however my parents had put so much emphasis on my appearing and acting “Normal” of “NT”, it was a minute by minute routine, how I stood, how I held my hands, how I didn’t look into people’s eyes and how the police would beat me on the street because of and how people would accuse me of all manner of things because of the way I was. However so much of that did not stick, and any of it that did stick I began to lose 5 to 7 years ago. Now I find it almost impossible to look into anyone’s face.
To answer you question more directly about a decade ago I began to have this odd, very very odd sensation when dealing with conceptual challenges… I would begin to feel like I was in Jello, this of course was only felt in my intellectual processing, in the picture life of my mind. I would be working on problem, I loved problems at work, I could bring my full intellectual capacity to bear and create a solution that worked in such a way as to be quite magical to those around me. This new development was quite frightening, it was as if my brain had simply run out of gas, the more I tried to push through it the more difficult it became. The truly terrifying aspect was the constant Meltdown state I was experiencing, I was becoming so frightened. I often was seen as an idiot savant which I both hated and loved. I had one of those memories where I could remember literally everything. It was quite odd… I remembered things I didn’t even know I knew and in shocking surreal detail. Companies I worked at actually used me as some sort of Random Access Memory that was always on. People daily would comment on “How does he know that? Its like he knows everything.” This was coming from the executives and colleagues I worked with. I certainly wish I had been paid for all those feats that others felt were so incredible.

So I believe I have given you enough information to understand that I had been quite successful in my career and because I used the very things that so many Aspies have to be successful. However this meant that I was almost constantly Stimming for 40 years. So I imagine our bodies can only sustain that for so long and now I have a built in fear of repeating that experience.

Yet, I have been in treatment for ADHD since Saturday September 29th at 11:00 am, this is when I took my first Ritalin pill and that changed my life, it saved it too. Then my medical team realized my brainwave patterns were as if I was in a deep sleep and I really did see everything in pictures and movies even while I talked to anyone. However I had the type of Neurological OCD Dr Tony Attwood talks about and it had gotten quite vicious… I was prescribed Modafinil and it worked so well that within 3 weeks those thoughts stopped and I was at peace, I had never experienced this at any point in my life till then. Then I started to miss my constant thoughts but decided I was better off without them. Then in January of 2009, my Psych said “I am going to have to add another label to your diagnosis… Asperger’s Syndrome… you are a high functioning Autistic.” This I thought was wrong as I had a picture in my mind of what a stereotypical Autistic looked like. However after reading Dr Tony Attwood’s book “The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome” I realize that book introduced Me to Me and I am grateful for this.

POSITIVE: I now have done so much research and of course completely driven even my beautiful, highly educated Aspie girlfriend who says “You are so into your disability, and you are worse than you ever were, you are scaring me.”
My brain seems to be changing frequently, I believe I am reprogramming it and I honestly believe that I will be back to work but I will be doing something differently in an employment sense. I may be writing as I am constantly being encouraged to publish a book. I also have been living in a Christian Halfway house for Criminals released from prison who are working on their addictions and apparently I have a gift to reach them whereas no one else has been able to. I could go on and on as I already have done but I am just beginning to feel positive about my situation after so many terrifying years of isolation and believing that life was over for me. I have difficulty reading and through treatment now listen to Audiobooks while reading and this has been a positive. Which led me to several books one of which one is The Ulyssian, it is a book about how we can do better later in life than we did through our entire life but it is a very different approach based on a lifetime of experience. Unfortunately I do not have the accurate title of that book to list here. There have been others as well.

So, I think that this may be a time of learning how to take our life’s lessons as Aspies and apply them in a way that may be more humane and compassionate to us and empowers us to self-advocate and for it was also learning how to say NO and mean it. I learned that I was not here to do the work for lazy colleagues, it was a valuable lesson.

There is so much more to say but I will do that later; I am going swimming now and that is another accomplishment.

I know this thread has been inactive for. . .years, but thank you. This has given words to something I've been experiencing and struggling to explain. Now I have an idea of what it is, maybe now I can. . .get better at it.

Thanks for reviving this old thread. WOW, this helps explain a lot. I was having all of this now, in my 30s, and I was really worried. Now I sometimes feel like I'm waking from a dream and wonder where all the time went -- I seem to have been in a fog. I look at work I've done and wonder how I could have done something so horrible.

Clearly, there is a brain thing going on, somewhere. The fog comes and goes now. It could be connected to energy levels, to diet, to stress -- who knows? I really wish I knew more about it.

maybe it has to do with too much stimulus. you know how sometimes when things such as new stimuli, stress, or other factors get too much for us to handle? maybe the fog is simply a natural response, a defense mechanism so to speak. I just wish I had greater control over it, because right now it's one of my biggest social problems.

Well that and. . .my obsession with both people's opinions and any and all consequences for my actions. . .

This thread has been illuminating but concerning.

I am (more or less) NT with some aspie traits, in love with an undiagnosed aspie man. After a predominantly long distance relationship, he came home before Christmas and was in the throes of major shutdown/withdrawal within days. There were a collection of high emotional stress precipiating factors but the end result was what it was.

He's still withdrawn and tried to push me away when I managed to find him and make contact... but ignoring his 'it would be better if..' and 'it's not fair to involve anyone (you) in this...' I went to see him. He was clearly was very pleased to see me and said so.

What I don't know is how to go forwards with this - I told him I believe this will pass, that I will call him when I'm anxious and either speak to him or, if he can't speak, to his mother.

I don't think he has it in him to make contact with me of his own volition at the moment... but I do think he liked seeing me and that it would be a good thing to do so again.

If there's any AS person reading this who has gone through major shutdown, would it be counterproductive to continue to contact him and how often-ish... any clues?

At the moment I'm leaving it 'as long as I possibly can' but I don't want to get anxious and frustrated.

Any and all advice welcome!