Excited by conversations rather than people?

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Reikistar
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14 Mar 2022, 4:09 am

Is getting more excited by the topic of conversation rather than the person a 'thing' in autism?

I'm trying to get to know someone and have reached the conclusion I'm not too bothered about the person but I get excited about certain topics we go into. When we don't talk about those things I get bored and not so interested in the person.

I don't even know if this is typical when getting to know someone or whether others even make the distinction between the person and the topic.



kitesandtrainsandcats
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14 Mar 2022, 5:18 am

Hmm, interesting question.
Here at barely after 5am I've not got much input to give beyond that.


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14 Mar 2022, 5:44 am

This might be just a human thing. People lose interest in me because I'm uninteresting to them, unless we're talking about something that interests them.


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14 Mar 2022, 7:03 am

A single topic of conversation may fit an Aspie's focused attention better than considering all of the elements that go into how we perceive people.

Appreciation and consideration of others as individuals usually requires a broadening of focus that may only become more developed with age.



jimmy m
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14 Mar 2022, 7:34 am

In my opinion Aspies communicate a little different than others. We like to get into details. If we find something that interest us we can spend hours talking about it.

Many people will communicate about something for a minute or two and then move onto something else. By the time I decide to join into a discussion, the normal NTs have switched topics three or four times. So when I say something it is considered off line and I receive a strange look and then they generally ignore what I said.

I suspect after several times of trying to communicate, many Aspies generally become somewhat ignored (unless it is with another Aspie).

In my opinion it is difficult for an Aspie to observe when the discussion has changed topic and people are no longer interested.


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14 Mar 2022, 8:50 am

what an interesting observation! Yes, it is exciting to find people with common interests, but they might not be very interesting otherwise if that interest is the only point of contact or things in common. I get that completely.


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14 Mar 2022, 9:40 am

jimmy m wrote:
In my opinion Aspies communicate a little different than others. We like to get into details. If we find something that interest us we can spend hours talking about it.

Many people will communicate about something for a minute or two and then move onto something else. By the time I decide to join into a discussion, the normal NTs have switched topics three or four times. So when I say something it is considered off line and I receive a strange look and then they generally ignore what I said.

I suspect after several times of trying to communicate, many Aspies generally become somewhat ignored (unless it is with another Aspie).

In my opinion it is difficult for an Aspie to observe when the discussion has changed topic and people are no longer interested.


Great point. For myself, I'd say I can see when the conversation has changed, but if they don't go into sufficient detail then I feel the earlier topic is incomplete. So it is hard to move on, while the NTs disagree.



Reikistar
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14 Mar 2022, 11:53 am

Thanks everyone for your responses and insight.

It's a very difficult one for me because I'm supposed to be interested in the person who I'm dating and on certain dates I feel very excited afterwards. I thought it was a sign of chemistry/wanting to see him again - but on hindsight I think it's the topics that are exciting me, not the guy.

I'm not diagnosed with autism but I have strong traits and strong family history so I wondered if this is part of the problem for me and whether others experience something similar when talking to people and it's less about bonding eith the person and more about feeling excited over the topic.



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14 Mar 2022, 1:16 pm

Quote:
I thought it was a sign of chemistry/wanting to see him again - but on hindsight I think it's the topics that are exciting me, not the guy.


I relate to that. In all fairness though, I think I ought to mention that I'm not sure if I am capable of feeling things for people at all. Be it love, chemistry, anything people are supposed to have in a typical relationship. I don't know if it's an autism thing for me or something else. I check almost all the alexithymia boxes and am in general pretty emotionally unavailable. Not to say that I don't appreciate people and find value in them, I just do it in a non-typical kind of way. But yeah, that makes sense to me. On more than one occasion, I have been really into what people have to say v/s into the person.



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14 Mar 2022, 11:42 pm

I get excited seeing the people I've known/know far more than talking. I can talk about most things; whilst I can lecture about an interest, my level of knowledge is quite eclectic, but even with this, I'm not really a talkative person, rather I just like being around those I've known/know. I'd often prefer not to talk and just be in their presence. More cat than human here in many ways.



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15 Mar 2022, 3:48 am

Reikistar wrote:
Thanks everyone for your responses and insight.

It's a very difficult one for me because I'm supposed to be interested in the person who I'm dating and on certain dates I feel very excited afterwards. I thought it was a sign of chemistry/wanting to see him again - but on hindsight I think it's the topics that are exciting me, not the guy.

In my opinion, having interests in common is an important dimension of a romantic relationship, at least in today's world. A romantic relationship generally needs to have more to it than just interests in common, but having common interests is certainly helpful IMO.

Reikistar wrote:
I'm not diagnosed with autism but I have strong traits and strong family history so I wondered if this is part of the problem for me and whether others experience something similar when talking to people and it's less about bonding eith the person and more about feeling excited over the topic.

Yes, for me, enjoyable conversations are primarily about the topic, not the person.

But feeling excited over a topic of common interest can lead to a personal bond. It's one way to experience companionship (enjoying each other's company), which is one of foundations of both friendships and romantic relationships.


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15 Mar 2022, 10:22 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Yes, for me, enjoyable conversations are primarily about the topic, not the person.

But feeling excited over a topic of common interest can lead to a personal bond. It's one way to experience companionship (enjoying each other's company), which is one of foundations of both friendships and romantic relationships.


Glad to see someone who gets it! I had a handful of dates with a certain guy back in the day and while we did get along, I was kinda bothered by our lack of common interests. I mentioned it to him too, but it didn't seem to bother him... though I suppose it bothering me bothered him 'cause we kept in much less contact after that talk and eventually just stopped contacting each other. Probably for the best, but sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I'd kept my mouth shut and kept trying to find something that would interest both of us.



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15 Mar 2022, 8:04 pm

jimmy m wrote:
Many people will communicate about something for a minute or two and then move onto something else. By the time I decide to join into a discussion, the normal NTs have switched topics three or four times. So when I say something it is considered off line and I receive a strange look and then they generally ignore what I said.

Story of my life.

jimmy m wrote:
In my opinion it is difficult for an Aspie to observe when the discussion has changed topic and people are no longer interested.

True for this autistic person.


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15 Mar 2022, 8:08 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Yes, for me, enjoyable conversations are primarily about the topic, not the person.

Back in my in-person support group days what I noticed were the conversations were exchanges of information.


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vividgroovy
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16 Mar 2022, 2:21 am

Yes, this sounds like me.

I don't really have a lot of opinions or advice for people on topics outside my areas of interest, so I'm often left just going, "oh boy," "aw, geez," "that sucks," "that's too bad," etc.

Also, I may enjoy the company of people, but I don't usually get excited that I'm going to spend time with them as I do for something that I want to do. I feel like other people are like "I'm really excited to do something fun with my friends, whatever it is" and I'm more like, "I really want to go to Disneyland [for example] and if my friends are there too, great and if I'm there by myself, also great."



Reikistar
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16 Mar 2022, 4:59 am

vividgroovy wrote:
Yes, this sounds like me.

I don't really have a lot of opinions or advice for people on topics outside my areas of interest, so I'm often left just going, "oh boy," "aw, geez," "that sucks," "that's too bad," etc.

Also, I may enjoy the company of people, but I don't usually get excited that I'm going to spend time with them as I do for something that I want to do. I feel like other people are like "I'm really excited to do something fun with my friends, whatever it is" and I'm more like, "I really want to go to Disneyland [for example] and if my friends are there too, great and if I'm there by myself, also great."


Yes I'm exactly like this. It's less wanting to spend time with people as needing to do what I'm interested in whether I'm with others or alone.