How to Deal with Not Having Many Friends

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futuresoldier1944
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18 May 2017, 11:57 am

MadHatterMatador wrote:
First I want to say that I know that people with Aspergers vary in their skills when it comes to forming friendships, and in no way am I suggesting that my condition is precluding me from doing better when it comes to doing that. But every now and then, it occurs to me that I really don't have "friends." I have a boyfriend, and that's probably the only person I can reliably call a friend. Other than that, I have people at college who I occasionally talk to, who would probably be the closest things I would have to friends, although I'm sure based how casual our relationships are, they wouldn't necessarily think of me as a friend. Honestly, from a practical perspective, I'm pretty much okay with this. The problem for me is that sometimes the thought would come to me that I really don't have friends, and I don't like the stigma of that. Does anyone else feel like that sometimes? If so, do you have any advice on how to not let that bother me?


Well I don't have very many friends either. And to be honest, I don't have any close friends at all. But I really want and need more friends, especially close friends who I can open up to and who will open up to me. The only solution to getting more friends, especially close friends, is to go out there and get more friends. That means being socially assertive. One of the reasons that I have trouble making friends is that I am rarely socially assertive and I rarely try to initiate social outings with other people. However, when I have tried to be more socially assertive, it has often backfired, because the people on the receiving end believe that I am coming on too strong. So I just don't know what I should do. I really have to develop normal social skills. But I can't develop normal social skills unless I take a risk and make more friends, especially close friends who I can truly bond with and who would like me for who I am. And I also want and need a girlfriend too.



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18 May 2017, 5:41 pm

I don't have many friends outside of internet relationships, but I've accepted that. The friends I have are good friends, friends who are the type who will stick by you regardless. (short of killing their family, that's probably a deal breaker). I learned some time ago that have a few good friends is much better than having a lot of people you know.

I can supplement the variety by having online friends, friends that you can talk to, but it isn't necessary to be together physically.

Don't concentrate on the number of friends you have, concentrate on the importance of the friendship with the ones you have.

Not to suggest not making new friends, but don't push that. Friendships don't usually happen if that is your objective, they happen as a side-effect. There are many different forums on this board discussing a great many things not specifically related to Autism. Check those out, talk about things that interest you. If you find a friend that way, great. If they're somewhere you can meet in person, even better.


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JakeASD
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18 May 2017, 5:57 pm

I am noticing that my apathetic and laid-back perspective on most things in life is preventing me from maintaining long-term friendships. Other people frustrate and annoy me because they all have so many opinions on things. I hate that there's seemingly an expectation on me to give a s**t about anything in life.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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18 May 2017, 8:55 pm

yes, i feel like that usually. in the past, the precious lil "people" that told me they were my precious lil "friends" almost all dumped me. sooner or later. but, of course, that does not answer your question.

my precious lil "mom" told my precious lil "dad" that she had friends. and she then proceeded to list her coworkers. my precious lil "dad" told her that those were coworkers, not friends.

my precious lil "dad" wisely and insightfully stated (in chinese), "so what if you have no friends? life goes on."

yeah when i was 21, i got diagnosed with autism.

my precious lil "parents" do not have autism diagnoses, but they have never gotten tested for autism before. likewise, in the country they grew up in, in that generation, it was much less standard to seek psychological services. :mrgreen:



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19 May 2017, 5:37 pm

I think it's useful to not look at it as a metric of self-worth as some are prone to. Being sociable and "in tune" with others is good, but not being those things doesn't make someone bad. There can be many good qualities about someone who isn't good at making friends.

Putting too much pressure on yourself to fit in makes it harder in my opinion. Even small interactions and conversations can be meaningful and fun, but if someone is too focused on criticizing themselves for not making close friends they won't be enjoying them.

At home, I've often enjoyed things like forums, podcasts, etc, for a little more connection.



futuresoldier1944
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19 May 2017, 6:01 pm

Canary wrote:
I think it's useful to not look at it as a metric of self-worth as some are prone to. Being sociable and "in tune" with others is good, but not being those things doesn't make someone bad. There can be many good qualities about someone who isn't good at making friends.

Putting too much pressure on yourself to fit in makes it harder in my opinion. Even small interactions and conversations can be meaningful and fun, but if someone is too focused on criticizing themselves for not making close friends they won't be enjoying them.

At home, I've often enjoyed things like forums, podcasts, etc, for a little more connection.


You're right that making close friends isn't a measure of self-worth. However, we all want and probably even need to make close emotional connections with people whom we view as peers. It's nice to have others about your age who will be there for you and even open up to you while you do the same for them. You're also right that "small interactions and conversations can be meaningful and fun." But "small interactions and conversations" will only go so far and usually aren't enough for most people. We usually want those "small interactions and conversations" to become something more.



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19 May 2017, 11:47 pm

Like this.


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20 May 2017, 2:27 pm

futuresoldier1944 wrote:
Canary wrote:
I think it's useful to not look at it as a metric of self-worth as some are prone to. Being sociable and "in tune" with others is good, but not being those things doesn't make someone bad. There can be many good qualities about someone who isn't good at making friends.

Putting too much pressure on yourself to fit in makes it harder in my opinion. Even small interactions and conversations can be meaningful and fun, but if someone is too focused on criticizing themselves for not making close friends they won't be enjoying them.

At home, I've often enjoyed things like forums, podcasts, etc, for a little more connection.


You're right that making close friends isn't a measure of self-worth. However, we all want and probably even need to make close emotional connections with people whom we view as peers. It's nice to have others about your age who will be there for you and even open up to you while you do the same for them. You're also right that "small interactions and conversations can be meaningful and fun." But "small interactions and conversations" will only go so far and usually aren't enough for most people. We usually want those "small interactions and conversations" to become something more.


Agreed, but it's hard to just decide to go beyond that so I always suggest people enjoy what's there to begin with. Like someone else posted, friendship tends to happen as a side effect. I think the only thing to do for sure is to try to be understanding, to notice what others are feeling, and to take initiative without dwelling on the negatives if it doesn't happen.



futuresoldier1944
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20 May 2017, 2:52 pm

Canary wrote:
futuresoldier1944 wrote:
Canary wrote:
I think it's useful to not look at it as a metric of self-worth as some are prone to. Being sociable and "in tune" with others is good, but not being those things doesn't make someone bad. There can be many good qualities about someone who isn't good at making friends.

Putting too much pressure on yourself to fit in makes it harder in my opinion. Even small interactions and conversations can be meaningful and fun, but if someone is too focused on criticizing themselves for not making close friends they won't be enjoying them.

At home, I've often enjoyed things like forums, podcasts, etc, for a little more connection.


You're right that making close friends isn't a measure of self-worth. However, we all want and probably even need to make close emotional connections with people whom we view as peers. It's nice to have others about your age who will be there for you and even open up to you while you do the same for them. You're also right that "small interactions and conversations can be meaningful and fun." But "small interactions and conversations" will only go so far and usually aren't enough for most people. We usually want those "small interactions and conversations" to become something more.


Agreed, but it's hard to just decide to go beyond that so I always suggest people enjoy what's there to begin with. Like someone else posted, friendship tends to happen as a side effect. I think the only thing to do for sure is to try to be understanding, to notice what others are feeling, and to take initiative without dwelling on the negatives if it doesn't happen.


I agree that friendship tends to happen as a side effect. However, what if the other person isn't that understanding, or doesn't notice what you are feeling, or is turned off by your initiative? Or alternatively, what if you aren't sure what the other person's intentions toward you are? The other person might be sending mixed signals and he might not even know for sure what his own intentions toward you are.



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21 May 2017, 5:28 pm

futuresoldier1944 wrote:
Canary wrote:
futuresoldier1944 wrote:
Canary wrote:
I think it's useful to not look at it as a metric of self-worth as some are prone to. Being sociable and "in tune" with others is good, but not being those things doesn't make someone bad. There can be many good qualities about someone who isn't good at making friends.

Putting too much pressure on yourself to fit in makes it harder in my opinion. Even small interactions and conversations can be meaningful and fun, but if someone is too focused on criticizing themselves for not making close friends they won't be enjoying them.

At home, I've often enjoyed things like forums, podcasts, etc, for a little more connection.


You're right that making close friends isn't a measure of self-worth. However, we all want and probably even need to make close emotional connections with people whom we view as peers. It's nice to have others about your age who will be there for you and even open up to you while you do the same for them. You're also right that "small interactions and conversations can be meaningful and fun." But "small interactions and conversations" will only go so far and usually aren't enough for most people. We usually want those "small interactions and conversations" to become something more.


Agreed, but it's hard to just decide to go beyond that so I always suggest people enjoy what's there to begin with. Like someone else posted, friendship tends to happen as a side effect. I think the only thing to do for sure is to try to be understanding, to notice what others are feeling, and to take initiative without dwelling on the negatives if it doesn't happen.


I agree that friendship tends to happen as a side effect. However, what if the other person isn't that understanding, or doesn't notice what you are feeling, or is turned off by your initiative? Or alternatively, what if you aren't sure what the other person's intentions toward you are? The other person might be sending mixed signals and he might not even know for sure what his own intentions toward you are.


I think that's just something people have to "roll with". We can't control it so we have to do the best we can when it happens, or just try to befriend someone more interested in or sensitive to us.



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21 May 2017, 5:49 pm

What I don't get is on Facebook some people can post anything, and they get, like, 15 likes. I know a boy on Facebook who I believe might be on the spectrum (I know him in real life too) and every time he posts something, be it mundane or fascinating, he gets up to 20 likes! And I get unfollowed by people. :cry:


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22 May 2017, 7:21 pm

I don't really have a good social life. I tried to make friends this semester and failed. I tried to join some clubs/activities at my campus. But things didn't work out. So I'm just here on this forum feeling sorry for myself. I currently go to a community college. Making friends at a CC can be hard because of the whole "anti-social" vibe or stereotype. I wish I had friends though. I'm not really happy when it comes to having a social life. I'm sure barely anyone is going to read this.



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23 May 2017, 5:46 pm

Not having friends leads to boredom, loneliness and depression. All of those are bad conditions. I don't have friends so I'm lonely. I can't think of anything I want to do by myself so I'm bored. That makes me depressed. It's a catch 22. I can't think of anything I want to do by myself so I don't go anywhere which means I won't meet anyone so I won't make new friends and the cycle continues.



futuresoldier1944
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23 May 2017, 10:19 pm

Bataar wrote:
Not having friends leads to boredom, loneliness and depression. All of those are bad conditions. I don't have friends so I'm lonely. I can't think of anything I want to do by myself so I'm bored. That makes me depressed. It's a catch 22. I can't think of anything I want to do by myself so I don't go anywhere which means I won't meet anyone so I won't make new friends and the cycle continues.


Well in order to get friends, you have to take some risks and become socially assertive. Now some people may think that you're coming on strong, but that's better than just staying at home and feeling sorry for yourself. This is what I've been trying to do and will continue to do, because I really want and even need one or more close guy friends and a girlfriend.



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24 May 2017, 6:47 am

My only true friend is my younger brother, who I'm pretty sure is also on the spectrum with me. We just click with each other. We didn't really when we were younger, but now our interests and everything just line up so well.

My other true friend was my ex-fiancee, who I was together with for 5 years, but that was before I found out I had ASD, and due to a lot of things between us, we went our seperate ways. She was probably one of the few people outside my family that came close to understanding me.



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24 May 2017, 6:51 am

I really don't know how to come on to weak or to strong. It seems I am doing one and then the other extreme at all times. Also most people who are out already seem to be in a little social group of their own and are not looking to see if anyone is randomly talking to people.