Please help I need advice

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Hi, I'm married to an Aspergers (AS) man and, I do think he is wonderful and love him very much, but I am having a hard time coping with him.

Is it common for AS person to tells lies and have affairs?

I have to admit our relatioinship has never been plain sailing and I often get annoyed with him. Is this why he would have an affair?

We first met 17 years ago and we were dating for a few months before I got pregnant with him. He always knew there was something different about him but never confessed this until I question him about our relationship. He only got diagnosed 8 years ago, due to our second child having autism. After reading books I discovered I my husband having AS.

I feel like my husband wants attention 24/7 from me and I am exhausted from having to give him this. If I don't he will look for attention from other women. He says we wants women to see that he is a happy man, even though he says he isn't happy. I guess he wants women to think is he NT. No matter how much I reassure him when I am calm and loving he stills wants lots of attention from other women. He smiles at them and tries to catch their eye and he admits this gives him a lot of pleasure. As far as I know and so he says he has never taken it further. I did ask him recently do you have a obsession with women and he admits he does. I have explained this makes me feel upset but he feels he cannot stop it. He says he will try but he can't

The above is the main concern I have about him. I can rumble on about other problems but I am aware a lot of it is to do with the AS, e.g. having to prompt, initiate for him to take part in family life.

I am also ill and he seems to forgot that I have a long term illness and expects me to everything in the house, he thinks he just needs to go to work and then do nothing else. He says he has an obsession with trains but I see the obsession more with other women.

I guess what I am asking for, how do I get through to him that the obsession with other women is making me really upset and I feel that it is causing a rift between us. Some women think he wants to date them and have come onto him.

If we are out together he says nothing but just keeps smiling at them and sometimes they seem to follow us around the supermarket trying to make contact with him, its all so embarrassing. One women got annoyed once and shouted at him because he would't speak to her apparently after questioning him later in the day, he first said he didn't know her, but later then admitted he liked her and had been chatting to her when I wasn't there on other occasionis. What is he doing when I am not around? I am beginging not to trust my husband anymore as there has been more incidences with other women. I am aware that him having AS makes life difficult for him when he is socialising and people can get the wrong idea. But if this is the case why is he not able to learn that this is causing a problem. He has been like this all his life but kept it away from me. I have really tried to teach him how to behave with women. He never has this problem with men. Am I fooling myself maybe he knows what he is doing and he likes it too much to stop.

I don't know what to do and would like an AS perspective on this, thank you.

That is a fairly odd combination, but I can imagine him not having enough of a connection with anyone for the feeling to persist in their absence. Maybe you can give him things to carry as reminders. One of them might be a print-out of the results of a survey here on "who thinks this guy is lucky in marriage?"

Thank you for you reply, you have certainely hit the nail on the head, he talks about not having connections with anyone, even with his parents, he has no friends either. is the 'no connection' common with AS? I will have a look at the survery thank you.

As far as I'm aware, no and no. But we aren't a different species. Individuals vary.
However, from what you have written here, he has not had an affair, and the only lie you have given as an example was him telling you he did not know some woman when he did. Perhaps he didn't want to tell you he knew her, liked her and had chatted with her before because you react badly to him even smiling at another woman? Perhaps he did not want to upset you, or for talking to another woman to cause a problem between you?
One thing some autistics can have problems identifying is sexually suggestive behaviour. I know I'm guilty of this. I have been told my behaviour at times appeared very clearly sexually interested to neurotypical counterparts, when I had no such intention, and was just trying to interact successfully. Him smiling at women doesn't necessarily mean he wants attention from them. He may be just trying to interact with them, and as socializing is often difficult for autistics, this may give him the pleasure of success.
Do you have a sensitivity of your own about his interactions with women?
You don't really give much more information here to go on. I don't know much about relationships, but surely some compromise is advisable if he has always been this way? Can you overlook his tendency to be friendly with women if he is not cheating on you?
The "no connection" thing is certainly common in autistic alexithymia.

Thank you for your reply.

I am quite sensitive but not had problems with this in my previous relationships. My past boyfriends had girls as friends and I can accept that.

I guess it stems from my husband not voicing what is on his mind. He is a very quiet man and only says a couple of sentences. I sometimes do not know who he is. When we were dating, I asked him loads of questions about what he liked to do etc, the normal things you do in a early relationship. He used to say yes to everything and not give out much information. He never asked me anything about myself. I now know this is normal. He used to criticise me and never paid me a compliment. 17 years of this damaged my confidence especially when you think highly of someone.

My insecurity stems from this, I did not know he had AS, nor did he. But I had never met anyone quite like him. When I met him everywhere we went he knew lots and lots of women (he is a very good looking man) but he would never introduce me to them, I did befriend a couple of them, but they were a bit unfriendly. One day he wouldn't answer the door to me in his flat and one of these girls were with him, apparently he was celebrating with her because he got a new job. He didn't invite me. We were dating. Later on I managed to find out he was trying to date her but she was never interested in him. I just got on with it and never thought about it much until later, when we were living together as a family.

Things were great for a while between us, I made female friends and he became friends with my friends too, but something happened, from what I can remember, we had financial difficulties and the women things started all over again. It was only after a few more times I started to question it. I tried to befriend the girls again but they didn't want my friendship. They were only interested in him. The trouble starts when these girls think he wants a relationship with him. I was friends with a female neighbour and he got really friendly with her too, then she started to ignore me and wanted to be around my husband all the time. I am okay with friendships but I think like you say my husband seems to go overboard and gives out the wrong message. I guess I worry because apparently his had a friendship with a woman years ago before he met me and he would cross the line. There seems to be no boundaries with him when it comes to female friendships. I have now set boundaries with what would be appropriate with women, but for some reasons, he finds it difficult to say no to them. We have had counselling in the past and the therapist said he has to learn to be able to control the situation otherwise some females will jump him!

When we were dating I remember he took all his clothes off but he did not want to take if further. I was really confused lol.

He cannot seem to make friendships with men. He had a male friendship once at work, and the guy had affairs. My husband then thought this was fun. What I am trying to say, my husband tends to copy other men to try and fit it, whether it is a good or bad thing.

It said he had to flirt with a woman at work, otherwise he would get the sack! I am so confused!

I never bonded with either parent, and when I have managed to feel part of a group, I've always overestimated their connection to me. I have had more lovers than average, with little or no cheating, mainly by letting women see in me what they wanted if the role was not too onerous. Only the last break-up was my idea, and it was probably the best relationship I'd been in for a long time, but I was starting to become more my own person.

Hmmm, hard to say as obviously i dont know him and only heard what you have had to say...
Just wandering, were most of his childhood friends/acquaintances women? It is not uncommon for many on the spectrum to actually have better bonds with the opposite sex..
You asked if he was obsessed? He may have taken it literally and not in the way you were thinking, be a bit more specific , as in are you sexually interested in these women. Again it is not uncommon for people on the spectrum to have fascinations with people, not in a sexual way but just how they act, look etc compared to maybe your average NT male thats looks on them in only a sexualised manner. I only mention this because from what you have mentioned he seems a little like he needs mothering, so generally seems to be more comfortable around women, was he closer to his mother than his father? Does he have many male acquaintances and was his childhood that of spending more time round females?
It may sound a little weird but he may just feel more comfortable around women in general and that he is only fascinated by them from an observational and conversational point of view...
Having any form of connection with others can be a bit hard for many of us hence why you have likely heard the expression we feel alien even to people we are close to as we are aware we a re a little different and due to going through much alienation growing up can have long lasting effects...
It is not to say he doesn't love you at all, its just a common occurrence with some of us lot

there are so many angles with this it is hard to know what way to approach as your original questions would be quite naturally that from an NT perspective but from an aspie perspective can actually be rather different hence another reason for misunderstandings because many NT's would perceive of doing is not necessarily what an aspie would do and it is hard for NT's to picture that because they tend to respond by how they would react in a situation...
And i am not justifying his actions, they are clearly hurting you and that is not good! Just trying to understand the actual context of what is happening here.

Good point. In general, people expect more caretaking from women, due to both nature and nurture. I only began to see the value in male relationships late in life, perhaps because I was less driven to mate.

The phrase "having your cake and eating it (with jam on)" springs to mind...

I'm sorry you're having problems with your husband. I'm about to suggest an alternative Aspie view; it's possible my perspective could give insight into some things your husband may thinking or feeling.
It's possible that he isn't sure quite what you believe he's doing wrong. As far as I can tell, he smiles at and initiates conversations with people who aren't you, and that seems reasonable, not wrong. People generally have many different kinds of human interactions, and it sounds like your husband struggles to form satisfying connections. It seems logical to me that this would make him feel lonely, and therefore prompt him to seek conversations. If he's received well by the people with whom he's speaking, it seems likely that he'll feel less lonely, and also feel better about who he is as a person in the world. Coming to terms with an adult diagnosis of Asperger's is difficult, and can highlight one's differences from those around. It's an inherently lonely and displacing experience.
If you object to him talking to other people simply because they're women, you could try to address your own assumptions in addition to your husband's loneliness. I've found it's often easier to initiate conversations with people of the opposite sex because there's a social precedent for it. Asking someone to spend time with you is incredibly awkward, even without the social awkwardness of men attempting to initiate closer friendships with one another. It's therefore perfectly possible that there's nothing at all sexual or even flirtatious intended or achieved by the conversations that upset you, and that this is simply the least painful way your husband is able to make any connections at all. (Many Aspies also experience age-blindness or gender-blindness in personal relationships, and that can sometimes get us into situations with consequences we haven't fully appreciated.)
Perhaps you could consider meeting his behaviour with curiosity and sympathy, rather than anger. It seems to me likely that you're causing your husband to feel more and more alone by reacting in a possessive manner. You may therefore be making the problem far worse that it originally was. In your husband's situation, I would now be more likely to lie to you, in order to avoid your reaction.
If you want to alleviate things, you may wish to consider a few things before you continue negotiations with him. Do you trust that he wants to continue your marriage? Have you established clear boundaries for acceptable behaviour within your relationship? If these boundaries are crossed, are you prepared to end the relationship? These are all things I would hope to clarify if I were having the conversation. You may also wish to consider what outside connections you would be happy for him to make, and how you could actually help him with making friends - be they men or women.
If you respond to the situation in a calm and unambiguous manner, you may help your husband to understand both the possible end consequences of his actions and that you're taking his difficult situation seriously. Please understand that things that seem obvious to you may not be so to him; they may even seem illogical. Emotions like jealousy may also be alien concepts to him. Most importantly, please don't enter a conversation about this assuming that you are in the right and your husband is in the wrong. He creates 50% of the standard conduct in your relationship, and deserves to be able to have opinions about it. I sincerely hope that you can reach an understanding that benefits your family.

Interesting....close to his mother and grandmother, its all been women when he grew up, he does need mothering and although I do mother him. Sometimes I do resent that because the relationship becomes mother and son rather than being equal. He resents this sometimes too, as he wants to be able to be more independant. No connection with males figures in his life, we suspect his dad has AS too. He can't connect with his brother. He had some male friends when he was younger but he says they were always in trouble and badly behaved. He says all girls did not like him when he was younger, they found him odd and they bullied him. Times has changed since them, lots of women nowadays find him endearing. I guess he likes the big turnaround.

I will talk some more to him about the women. I like the fact you have mentioned NT/AS perspective. That will help me to be more open-minded.

Pythia you wrote:
I'm sorry you're having problems with your husband. I'm about to suggest an alternative Aspie view; it's possible my perspective could give insight into some things your husband may thinking or feeling.




I can see where you are coming from, he is lonely I can see that. He is just like everyone else who wants to make friends etc. Where I am struggling is that he can't seem to set boundaries with these women. Then they want more and it causes friction between us. One women even said that they were having a relationship with him and he was meant to leave me. But he says this is not true. I can not keep going through this. I only got angry when this one happened.

I have tried to teach him about friendships but he always gets in a mess with them.

I have set boundaries and he agrees, but he says one thing and does another.

Who else can teach him how to behave with these women?

My husband is easily led too, he will do whatever they want him to do, Its like he doesn't have a mind of his own.

Yes, just the mothering comment lead my to my statement. As i was able to identify more with women growing up and have a better rapport with women but it is entirely none sexual and that only of mutual understanding. Many on the spectrum tend to fall in the middle neither identifying with the male nor the female as society has created this class system and men are taught to be strong, not to show emotions, be the leader etc Where as on the spectrum we tend to observe and find this social rule book a little illogical and when you natural cant identify with said rules you will likely be drawn to what is natural for yourself...
However if You really were to understand even NT men they are more femanite than you realise! It is society that has suppressed this and they are unable to really show there true vulnerabilities even with other men... I am sure you have had NT relationships before where the man seems manly but in your own private presence can seem like a puppy. It is a social construct that i feel is the reason for such high levels of depression amongst men. The high levels of expectation.
After all we are ALL female for the first six weeks of gestation.
So yes he will naturally be drawn to what makes him ''feel good'' as its not a common thing for many of us to feel.
However unlike NT's we are not given a rule book and have to often learn by trial and error, so talking in a calm manner and communicating your literal thoughts not only will/should be able to find the answers you seek directly but also be able to lay some mutual boundaries down where you both can benefit.

Also that has got me in a bit of a bind in the past, as when talking to NT women the social construct says you are flirting, when from an aspie point of view i am interested in who you are as a human being... He may not see signs of obvious flirting that you may see, i used to get people telling me all the time that person was interested but never saw it myself nor was i interested in that manner...
Again the misunderstandings, not understanding what our view points are because sometimes they challenge an NT's personal ideology...
I suggest point out EVERY time when it makes you feel uncomfortable and every time it is ok.. We all need/want friends male and female but he will not likely know that some of these women he is talking to want something different and some of those women can be real little gaslighters! Turning what seems an innocent aspie conversation into an aspies worse damn nightmare.

I think I might be getting confused; I'm sorry. Is it the other women about whom you're worrying, as they might get hurt? It doesn't sound like your husband plans to leave you, and it seems unlikely that he's putting himself in danger - although I may be wrong about that, of course. If that's not the case, though, I don't see anyone who's potentially suffering, other than the women involved. Is it concern for them that make you want to teach your husband to behave in a different manner?

I am confused myself lol, of course I worry what the other women think, some have been agressive, this happend in front of our children. Why should we be all subjected to this. I want to live my life in peace.

I guess you are okay about this if your partner has lots of women constantly getting his attention and ignoring you. Even if you are being friendly. Thats great for you.

Would he like it if men came up to us and started accusing me of all sorts, it has be put into another perspective. I would never ever get involved in other men. My husband said he would leave me if I caused him any trouble.

Life is probably different in Scotland anyhow, I am from London orginally and people do not talk to you unless they want something from you lol!