Where to even begin.. Please Help

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Hi all.

Been thinking about posting something somewhere for a while to try and get some help or advice.

I was diagnosed about 11/12 years ago with ASD. I've gone through so much in my short amount of time on this world.

I've struggled and overcome so much and from such a young age. I've had so many mental breakdowns and daily feelings of not wanting to be here anymore (maybe from around the age of 10).

From someone else's eyes (my parents for example) I've overcome and achieved so much since my younger years. Went to college, got a job, a car, a girlfriend. I've now progressed a few times further and earning quite a substantial amount of money (for someone my age - is what I've been told).

I should be happy??! Right..??

Except I'm not. Still to this day and every day I think about how happy I would be if I wasn't here any more. Every day I wish I had the courage to end my life or be involved in a car accident, or told that I have a terminal illness - at least I then know, that my time is nearing and I can be happy and at peace!!

This sounds really bad, I know. And the affect this would have on everyone around me, especially my mum - doesn't bare thinking about..

As I said, from someone else's eyes - I'm doing really really well and have achieved so much. When in reality I'm just extraudinarily good at masking my emotions and feelings. So what seems like everything is going really well, in reality I'm just exploding and really struggling on the inside..

I'm now at that point that I can't keep this up any more. I'm struggling and letting a fraction of my emotions out of the mask.

I don't know what to do.. I'm not happy and I haven't been happy for as long as I can remember...

I definitely can't keep up like this. I thought I could handle a job as well, but after several years of working I feel like I can't cope any more and that's one of the things adding to these feelings..

Sorry for the long post, but I had to let some things out..

Please give me your thoughts or advice. It would truly mean a lot to me.

I have had two watershed times in my life. The first was at a time similar to your situation where everything looked grand from the outside and nobody but me knew how horribly I was struggling. My perceived "solution" at that time was to just drop it all and "run away" by joining a traveling circus...and that ultimately turned out to be no solution at all.

The second time was somewhat similar in the sense that I completely gave up on the idea of continuing to try to manage my own life into some kind of happiness and contentment, but this time I did not run away. Instead, this time I stayed right where I was and went to see a certain therapist I had reason to believe might be able to help me learn to live.

Do not try to convince anyone who cannot hear your cry for help, just make the cry and pay close attention to see who hears you and extends a hand.

I can relate. I used to be a homeless meth-head and now I make 140k a year ... yet I often feel the same. Often ASD comes with other diagnoses. You sound like you might struggle from depression or something else in addition to ASD. For me I guess there are times I just don't feel loved and that's a pretty fundamental thing. Talk to someone ... anyone. Any time you struggle with these thoughts you need a person to just dump it all on. You don't have to make sense and they don't have to understand you but they do need to be understanding when they don't understand. I get by day by day. Finding someone who makes you feel fully accepted and loved makes a big difference.

I suppose you have looked into the possibility of neurochemical imbalance - the only form of depression that medication truly can cure. Often if it is a neurochemical issue, the problem has been present either all the person's life, or onset at puberty when neurochemistry changes with hormonal fluctuations. If you by any chance haven't spoken with someone - even a GP - about this possibility it may be insightful. Have you done the standard thing and consulted someone to test if this is just a psychological problem? Treatment, talk therapy? If not it may be worthwhile, though you may well have been down that proverbial road already.
Otherwise, maybe your sense of being unhappy despite being in a situation where you should be happy is simply lifestyle orientation?
Maybe you are unhappy with the standard set of norms because that is in fact not what makes you happy in this life? That does not fulfill you, give you a sense of purpose, meaning or worth, or bring you joy or pleasure?
It's widely discussed now that consumer culture does not make people happy, even when we are all conditioned to believe it does. Who's to say that this supposedly happy and successful lifestyle you are living from the outside doesn't similarly fail to fulfill you? So what if it's what they think should make you happy? It obviously doesn't.
I can understand that - the proverbial white picket fence package doesn't make me happy, either. I could not handle that "perfect" life. At all.
So what will make you happy, what will be the kind of life you can invest meaning in? It might be something atypical, it might be something that would make someone else suicidally miserable (which I definitely true for me - my idea of happiness is living hell to most people). Maybe it's cataloguing frogs in a tent in the Congo or something. The point is it's what makes you happy, it's what's right for you, regardless of anyone else's opinion.
In my opinion, you just have to dismiss this "should" life that is making you miserable and hunt down what it is that will. For some people it's a job or a field of work they're passionate about, others find it in religious belief, etc.
You just have to find out what it is for you, what truly will enrich your own life, instead of expecting to be happy just because you're following someone else's script.
... And not to be pedantic or disregard whatever religious belief you may have, but how can you be happy if you're dead? You'd be dead. You wouldn't be anything, including happy. And you would have thrown your life away without ever finding the solution to your problems, and living a great life.

@User24.

Would you be happier if you weren't on the autistic spectrum? The fact you've achieved so much, is a credit to you.

Have you thought about having counselling? If you have depression, try and avoid taking medication. (My mum has had episodes of severe depression and has wondered if the medication has affected her mental capacity).

I know this might sound a bit cliched, but take one day at a time; maybe try and do something that gives happiness to someone. Try not to think ten steps ahead, (if this is something that you do). Take joy in the small things and try not to 'sweat the small stuff', which is what some Aspies might do.

If you have some savings, then why not ask to take a sabbatical, or re-train? Do you have a skill that you can amke money from? I'm a self-employed telemarketer & I don't earn oodles of money, but I'm happy, because I'm my own boss. Do something that makes you happy. If you don't like your job, that's not a problem. Plenty of non-Aspies leave their jobs, to pursue their dreams. If you have a dream, pursue it and don't give a hoot about what other people think.