Help, my husband is Aspie phobic

Post Reply New Topic

I am self-diagnosed aspergers. For several years I have taken various online tests, read everything I could about it, and thought about it from every direction, and it all adds up that I have aspergers. It answers pretty much every question I ever had about why I looked similar to every one else, but was significantly different. I felt like everyone else was operating from a special guide book that I didn’t get. And I have major sensory stuff, emotional meltdowns, social interactions and public spaces can confuse and baffle me, it can take real effort sometimes to act “normal” in situations others don’t think twice about, I feel perpetually overloaded with sensory input, take things super literally (more so, if I’m stressed or tired and can’t correct for NT thinking), etc.

I don’t have the money to get a diagnosis, and I spent a lot of money getting wrong and incomplete diagnoses, so I’m turned off by professionals. I was told I had bipolar by a psychiatrist, and for over a year I thought this was true, only to be told it was wrong, but she couldn’t quite figure out what was going on, except for anxiety. I am okay with not having an official diagnosis.

The issue is that my husband of 17 years is absolutely unwilling to think of me as an aspie, read anything about it, or even tolerate me talking about it or talking about the reasons certain things happen as a result of my aspie way of processing information, etc. He says that he trusts that I have done my research and he has no reason to doubt what I say is true, but he will not do any research or discuss my aspie qualities, as such. We have had a lot of communication issues in our relationship and are discussing divorce, but we love one another, and wish we could make it work. He admitted that accepting me as aspie feels overwhelming to him. He also mentioned that he thinks I over identify with being aspie, and that to him it is just an excuse for my behavior, even though I have told him that I want to use the information and awareness to help us understand our differences and improve things between us.
I’ve tried countless times to explain how helpful it could be if he knew about certain aspie things, and we could figure out ways to work around them, or at least he would know where I was coming from, but this doesn’t resonate in any way for him, and I cannot figure out why. I have been so perplexed by his thinking about this for years now. Much of what he doesn’t like about me seems to relate to aspie characteristics, like researching a topic to death and then talking about it beyond his comfort level. I try very hard not to talk about those sorts of things too much anymore, but even the mention that I’ve done research seems to trigger him. But if I don’t do research, how do I know about things? If there is an unknown, and there is curiosity, isn't it normal to do research and answer your questions?
I don’t know how to separate aspergers from who I am. Is that normal? Should I be able to simply look at the aspie characteristics without labeling them? He doesn’t like labels. I can agree that humans have perhaps over labeled every part of our existence, and it is often better to experience a flower or animal or state of being without breaking it apart into it’s components and labeling every part. I don’t want to be viewed only as aspie. I want him to love all of me, and I am dynamic and complex, but aspie explains the way I process and react to the world. As a tool for greater understanding and coping to improve the quality of our relationship, it seems imperative that this part of me be not only accepted, but understood and even embraced.

I just know that my aspie brain must be missing something that would explain why he resists this part of me, yet seems to want to be with me. He must think that we can succeed without acknowledgment of this aspect, but I am at a loss for how to do that. Any suggestions? Is this a deal breaker? If he doesn’t accept Aspergers as a real part of me, should we not be married?

It all seems so simple to me. Have problem, diagnose problem, be aware and work with problem. To fix it, you have to name it and define it. What am I missing? I thought maybe someone on here would have some insight or experience.

Thank you if you read this long post. I appreciate it.

Labels aren't as useful with Aspies because normal people aren't smart enough to deal with all the nuances of people on the spectrum. It would be useful if everyone fit a basic stereotype but it is obvious that that doesn't work. There are lots of Aspies who aren't good at math or science. There are even some who don't seem to be good at anything. I tend to be very good at doing a lot of things, provided I have the time and inclination to figure out how to do them in a way that makes sense for me.

It makes more sense to identify what issues you have, and see if you can find ways to accommodate them.

For instance, a lot of Aspies get too involved in personal issues or projects which makes relationships suffer. I'd spend one day a week with my wife, typically on a weekend, doing stuff together.

I'm afraid autistics and aspies like us are one of the most intimidating type of humans out there for a couple of different reasons.

Primarily because we are both gifted and disabled persons at the same time. Number one, being gifted means that someone would have to say that he's less intelligent than you are and that's just not something most NTs (neuro-typicals) can do for reasons of ego most likely. And number two being disabled also intimidates NTs because it brings about images of being mentally handicapped and the fear of a meltdown would embarrass them in public etc etc.

Perhaps I would suggest getting an official diagnosis from an educated medical professional to help your husband make it official? That might make it easier for him to begin the acceptance process.

_________________
*** High Functioning Autism - Asperger's Syndrome ***

ADHD, OCD, and PTSD.

Keep calm and stim away.

I got as far as using a diagnosis as an excuse. WTH?

"I'm sorry. I'm deaf and couldn't hear you."
"STOP MAKING EXCUSES!"

Thanks for the responses. It really helps to get out of my own head about this just a wee bit.

Gela,

I am also going through something exceptionally similar with my wife. She and I have had a number of issues over the years and most of them seem to stem from my own emotional disconnect. I have tried to understand, but just can't seem to work through it. As a longer term result we are in counseling and it has become more and more apparent that I am an Aspie and she also refuses to recognize this or come to terms with it in any way. She has just accepted my deep research and fascination and knowledge as something that is just "me" but it is creating more issues over the years.

I am hoping the best for you!!


FF

The one day a week thing is also practiced by religions. Jewish people take Saturday off. Mormon's take Sunday off. Taking a day off from work and your projects is one way to build an emotional relationship.

Good luck FerrariFan. Marriage is tough!

Piepulp, you seem wise beyond your years. I think you have some good points. His denial doesn't have to be my denial. Understanding myself is the most important thing. And I agree that he doesn't want to see me as an Aspie. I wonder if it is more comfortable for a woman to see a man that way than the other way around. He hates to box people in, or label or name or restrict to categories. It's kind of a Tao or Buddhist way of seeing things. I get that. But for me, naming gives meaning. Identifying as Aspie has meaning to me. But not him. Maybe I should be grateful he doesn't want to limit me to a name or label or definition.

Piepulp, you are certainly right about us having conflicting world views. And I certainly try to solve things with knowledge. I appreciate your views. I think differences don't have to negate what we have in common, but we do have to work around a few things.

Read this, I made it for people.

viewtopic.php?t=355231

Yes. I suck horribly at explaining things. Please overlook that.

Thanks, Ragnahawk. I read your post. My husband is an INTP. I'm a INFJ. I suppose relationships are often about reconciling expectations based on our own perceptions and personality.

Sounds like he just has some irrational fear of the label "aspergers" for some odd reason. Like he thinks its leprosy.

Isaac Newton, and Bill Gates, are both suspected aspies. There are worse things in the world than being like Bill Gates, or like Isaac Newton.

You oughta just straight out ask him what the problem he has with it is.

He fears that with this new label, he may have to re-frame everything he believed about you and his relationship with you, even though you are still the same person you were before the moment you realized you may fit this label.

But when people feel like they must re-think and re-frame everything they thought they knew, based on new information, it's scary. He's resisting that, it's too much for him right now, so he fights back with unsupportive s**t like "it's just an excuse" -- that's a grand old chestnut, unfortunately.