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B19
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14 Nov 2017, 1:34 am

Thank you for your kind comment the_phoenix.

I would like to add these comments to young men who feel discouraged:

- remember that young men take longer to fully mature than young women (this includes brain development)
- remember that late or later blooming is quite common for people on the spectrum (see Tony Attwood comments)
- remember that many - perhaps the majority of - female aspies of all ages are much better at passing than AS men are, and females both NT and AS have more social skills as a general rule than AS men.

These gender advantages no doubt play some part in the greater achievement of conventional goals associated with adulthood by women on the spectrum, not that they are achieved without having to negotiate challenges. Not all AS women have these advantages.

The friend who always believed in me was also a mentor. I have had two NT mentors in my adult life - one taught me how to lobby effectively for law changes, and the other, how to pass more effectively. I owe an enormous amount to both in terms of my own achievements. I was relatively young then, not yet 40.

It's my perception that mentorship is far more needed by AS males than more research that costs millions and reaps no or little benefit for the membership here. NTs flourish in early adulthood because they have NT systems and institutions tailored to their needs and their neurotype. This makes mentorship for the neurodiverse a number one priority. The money wasted on normalisation is a tragedy in my opinion. It serves the needs of the people who profit from it, and the institutions whose goals promote it.

The key is to find your own personal best and aim to become the best you can be, playing to your strengths. Don't measure you AS talents using an NT ruler.



traven
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14 Nov 2017, 1:58 am

All, but 4.
I took up farming, esp shepherding, against the tide, now costs gone over benefits and it hurts a lot, physically and mentally, though it was weirdly informative and interesting.



Fireblossom
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14 Nov 2017, 2:41 am

I have achieved number 6... sort of. Working on the other 5.



Clakker
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14 Nov 2017, 3:01 am

IgA wrote:
I think giving up & not being interested are different mind sets. I don't feel as if I gave up on romance, marriage, or children, because they are not what I've ever pursued. I was married, but I didn't pursue it -- he pursued me & made me feel I didn't have a choice (was very young, naive, & had a bad life). My goals have always been to earn as much money as I could, own a small house (always imagined myself living alone), own lots of tools that I can use for home improvement projects (am currently creating 2 workshops), & be college educated (achieved & still take classes). We all can choose to pursue what we want, but it is a risk.


I think giving up is how I define 'not actively trying' to achieve 2-5. There's still this kind of going your own way about not being interested in romance, marriage, or children. All my siblings and cousins have now had children. I'm the only one who doesn't have birthdays, trips, worries about school, etc. as a daily conversation topic. I can seriously consider buying the iPhone X without thinking that it would be irresponsible to do so. What tools are to you some new technical gadget is to me. BTW, if not for your second post, I would've assumed that you're a dedicated post doc working in a lab. Now, I picture you as a independent frontiers women with a gun rack. I have a vivid imagination. :P


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LupaLuna
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14 Nov 2017, 3:31 am

1. Romance - Just not interested. Really don't know if I can do it.
2. Marriage - Got to get past step 1 first.
3. Children - Got to get past steps 1 and 2 first.
4. Career - come and go.
5. Home Ownership - I own my house all paid for. I paid cash for it after saving up the money for it. It's amazing how much money you can save when you don't have to pay child support or having to raise a family.
6. Friends - Maybe 1 or 2 if I am lucky.



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14 Nov 2017, 4:03 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
I scored 3 out of 6


Keladry wrote:
I'm at 2 out of 6 :(


Daniel89 wrote:
Literally 0 out of 6.


I had thought about making this a poll but then I thought it would be too depressing. I have zero wickets myself (I don't even know what that means) but I still think a girlfriend and friends might still be achievable. I'm old enough to know that 2-5 are only realistically an option if a. I win the lottery even though I don't play or b. my unwritten bestseller novel literally writes itself.

In the West, I'm part of the 'so called' Peter Pan Generation (in Japan the terms are much worse). I don't really think that's fair but it beats being called 'irresponsible', which is what my parents and grandparents would call me. I actually think that the problem I experience is a 'leisure' problem. I live well. I'm neither forced to get married, nor does anybody need my labor, I get to exist in this very wealthy society, like an odd pampered son, who being left a choice pursues the lifestyle of a teenager. Instead of worrying about a career or my kids, I get to worry about if the "Justice League" is going to be any good. As I look across the industrialised world there seems to be a new kind of citizenship emerging enjoying all the perks of a middle class lifestyle without any of the adult responsibilities.


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Last edited by Clakker on 14 Nov 2017, 6:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

Daniel89
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14 Nov 2017, 4:16 am

Clakker wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
I scored 3 out of 6


Keladry wrote:
I'm at 2 out of 6 :(


Daniel89 wrote:
Literally 0 out of 6.


I had thought about making this a pole but then I thought it would be too depressing. I have zero wickets myself (I don't even know what that means) but I still think a girlfriend and friends might still be achievable. I'm old enough to know that 2-5 are only realistically an option if a. I win the lottery even though I don't play or b. my unwritten bestseller novel literally writes itself.

In the West, I'm part of the 'so called' Peter Pan Generation (in Japan the terms are much worse). I don't really think that's fair but it beats being called 'irresponsible', which is what my parents and grandparents would call me. I actually think that the problem I experience is a 'leisure' problem. I live well. I'm neither forced to get married, nor does anybody need my labor, I get to exist in this very wealthy society, like an odd pampered son, who being left a choice pursues the lifestyle of a teenager. Instead of worrying about a career or my kids, I get to worry about if the "Justice League" is going to be any good. As I look across the industrialised world there seems to be a new kind of citizenship emerging enjoying all the perks of a middle class lifestyle without any of the adult responsibilities.


I don't see how you can get a gf without a job realistically. Even making friends without a job seems unlikely to me honestly.



Clakker
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14 Nov 2017, 4:32 am

Daniel89 wrote:
I don't see how you can get a gf without a job realistically. Even making friends without a job seems unlikely to me honestly.


A man can dream :lol: I’ve actually had three girlfriends but they’ve all been weird and financially independent. No I couldn’t support anyone but I don’t want to either.


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HighLlama
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14 Nov 2017, 4:48 am

1. Romance - yes, though I'm always wondering if they like me or their idea of me.
2. Marriage - I don't separate this from number one. Not very interested in legal marriage.
3. Children - Not interested.
4. Career - Currently have one. Not sure if I want to change or not. Still, I need employment.
5. Home Ownership - I think I prefer an apartment. I don't have to worry about all the stupid lawn care.
6. Friends - Some, but have driven away many. Most like you when you're entertaining, few like you when you're human.



Raleigh
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14 Nov 2017, 5:03 am

Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes


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Clakker
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14 Nov 2017, 5:50 am

Raleigh wrote:
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes

What does yes mean, now? Does yes mean I’ve given up on or yes I’ve achieved these benchmarks? :huh:


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eeVenye
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14 Nov 2017, 6:05 am

Not pursuing 1-3.
4 is uncertain, on cusp of either having one for life or starting from scratch.
5 requires 4.
6 requires more stability than I currently have, "new" city every 6-12 months.


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RetroGamer87
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14 Nov 2017, 6:51 am

Clakker wrote:
In the West, I'm part of the 'so called' Peter Pan Generation
Me too! I'm a very late starter in life.

Clakker wrote:
(in Japan the terms are much worse).
Which terms do they use in Japan?

HighLlama wrote:
5. Home Ownership - I think I prefer an apartment. I don't have to worry about all the stupid lawn care.
You can own an apartment. Can you still call it a home?

Maybe in America they're called apartments when you rent them and condos when you buy them. There are dozens of people who own their own apartment in my building but they still call it an apartment regardless of if they bought the apartment or if they're renting it.


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Clakker
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14 Nov 2017, 6:57 am

traven wrote:
All, but 4.
I took up farming, esp shepherding, against the tide, now costs gone over benefits and it hurts a lot, physically and mentally, though it was weirdly informative and interesting.

You know about a year ago there was a program on tv that featured a PhD Biologist. She had given up her academic career for full time shepherding. She was also complaining about the ruinous effect it was having on her finances. Are you this very same shepherdess?


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Clakker
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14 Nov 2017, 7:22 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Clakker wrote:
In the West, I'm part of the 'so called' Peter Pan Generation
Me too! I'm a very late starter in life.

Clakker wrote:
(in Japan the terms are much worse).
Which terms do they use in Japan?

HighLlama wrote:
5. Home Ownership - I think I prefer an apartment. I don't have to worry about all the stupid lawn care.
You can own an apartment. Can you still call it a home?

Maybe in America they're called apartments when you rent them and condos when you buy them. There are dozens of people who own their own apartment in my building but they still call it an apartment regardless of if they bought the apartment or if they're renting it.


In Japan, you have the herbivore man (which sounds rather hip like being vegan), the parasite single, and the hikikomori, which is a middle class male or female recluse who doesn’t work and lives off their parents/grandparents wealth.

In America, they’re called Condos.


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