Should I throw in the towel on socialized life?

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Short story short: Since discovering my AS, I have relentlessly pushed myself to learn the social skills that eluded me and realize a better life for myself. I've exceeded expectations of the former, have most elements of the enviable American Dream close but outside my grasp, and now pass for NT nearly all of the time; but doing so has driven me quite mad and rendered me incapable of neither peace nor function.

The following is an email recently sent to my long-distance girlfriend of 16 months whom I have only revealed myself to recently. I think it does a good job of describing the choice I must make for myself one way or the other, and I can bring my plea for advice to no greater board of experts than all of you. I can only stress that I seek neither attention nor sympathy, but concrete advice on things I should consider as I weigh my decision. But I thank one and all for reading, and whichever way I turn on this issue, I hope to become more a participant and less an observer of this board once the die has been cast.

Ben

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Honey,

After talking to you the other night/afternoon, I took what we spoke of to heart and tried to consider all your advice without bias or prejudice. I thought about the path I'm on now and envisioned what choices would lead to what outcomes, and a few things finally became clear.

The first is a minor thing: I will be withdrawing from the language school. This whole year I've learned the most when I was studying at home with their rather excellent textbooks, and I realized far too late that I'm only paying $1,300 a semester to hear them vocalize what I've already learned. Never did have much use for instructors anyway; it's just too bad I discovered two days too late that the program gives you but one luxurious week to reclaim your tuition. But if they can't refund my money, I can at least refund my own time.

The second realization is of far greater consequence. I imagined how 2008 and thereafter would be with you, in LA, living an incapacitated lifestyle as I wait patiently for whatever ray of light that's supposed to wake me up and plug me back in to the world. I tried hard to think of what that light would be, what I could do to facilitate its arrival, and even how I would keep myself occupied until then. I really gave it all the most honest consideration I could, but these questions are sadly irrelevant without the answer to one fundamental question that I can now finally put into words:

If the choice is between angering other people with a ceaseless flow of mistakes, or driving myself to meltdown and paranoia in the act of containing them: what reason exists for me to continue the road I'm on?

The last of my illusions about attaining acceptability are forsaken. The worst thing for a person to be is different, and let no cliche or grandmotherly wisdom tell you otherwise. People fear difference, they loathe difference, and will quite often set out to destroy it on first sight. History and common sense alike attest that the different among us are as likely to be nailed to a cross as driven out of a job. You ever wonder the reason behind your stated observation that some people just have it in for me within moments of a first encounter? Could it be an expression on my face they can't read, a minute gesture that betrays the opposite intention, or maybe even the very true impression that behind even my best and most civil performance - deep down they see I neither fear nor envy their most vaunted projections of their self-esteem, simply for the fact that I don't care? I've tried hard - so very, very hard - to prevent this from happening, but even the most Oscar-winning and soul-flaying performance I can give on every passing day, it is an impossible facade to maintain and inevitability seizes me by the throat sooner or later. At this moment you cry out that I'm wrong, and that you can attest to innumerable friends, colleagues and former students who unequivocally like and respect me despite everything I say here. Calm yourself with the understanding that if I wasn't as god damned good at this as I am, nearly all of them would feel quite differently about me. Just like they used to. When all is said and done, I certainly see no reward in letting the performance down, and the longer I keep it up the less good I see in prolonging the masquerade.

The bold-faced question thus remains unanswered, and until someone or something can give me an answer to this question, the remaining alternative is the impulse I've tried for so long and hard to unsuccessfully squelch: to return Underground, where I'm neither seen, heard, nor judged; where solitude gives me the silence to think; and where with my seven-year experiment attempted and my curiosity sated, I no longer wonder what life is like on the surface. It's been many, many years since I last had that quiet of mind, and the more I see the circle connecting back to itself, the harder it is for me to resist the call.

It's time to face the facts: if I don't have an answer to this question, then no effort I make will be sufficient for me to be at peace with you or anyone else - and it goes without saying, vice versa. This is not a theatric cry for help, this is not a masked request for intervention, and this is not the beginning of a long and drawn-out bellyaching about my wounded feelings. This is the icy-cold, rock-hard truth looking us in the eyes, and I for one can't run circles around it any more. It is a choice between A and B, it is the most level-headed view I can make of the situation, and I'm humble and considerate enough to share the stakes with you here and now - so perhaps we can either find an answer that sparks my engine back to life, or failing that save us both the expense of looking further.

That said, let's get to work on this, or by the end of the year we will have no choice but to throw in the towel, and I will have no remaining choice but to complete the circle,

Ben

What do you want from her? In or out of your life?

Oh and by the way, I cloak/have cloaked for decades and exhaustion is part and parcel of it. You know what is really exhausting about cloaking? Being helpful.

Just a practical thought from someone who has been there, but it there any point in trying to go underground PART of the time?

Could you handle that?

M

Social integration is way overrated and definitely not for everyone - hence hermits and monks who live solitary lives in communion with God, nature and their souls. What's wrong with that? Nothing, that's what. It's preferable to live in seclusion away from the throngs of sheeple and live with self-respect, reliance and integrity than to try to fit in to some ferkocked ill and dysfunctional competitive dog-eat-dog system with grades when clearly someone is not designed for that kind of existance.

Do your own thing and stop trying to fit in if you don't. Go where your heart sings. Maybe become a woodsman, bring along your girlfriend and screw the consensus.

Gad, Neil Labute movies make social interaction look really painful. Maybe Neil Labute is an aspie.