Asperger's, Flirting, and Paranoia over Sexual Harassment

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I am afraid to flirt with anyone because I worry that I will come across as a creep due to my Asperger's and not being able to read social cues and be immediately sued for sexual harassment. I keep to myself most of the time and don't even look at women, just treat them like Gorgons who will turn me to stone if I look at them in fear of being seen as a threat. Just now, I finally flirted with a girl who turned me down and am afraid that I will have a sexual harassment lawsuit on my hands even though it was one incident. As Jon Lovitz would say, "I just want to be loved, is that so warrrong?" As the Minutemen would say, "I try to talk to girls and I can't stop thinking about World War III." And then it continues to confuse and surprise people just how disturbed I am.

I feel like this is really hard for aspie guys... different for aspie girls...
Especially because some guys (particularly physically larger or bigger guys) can naturally be more intimidating. I think it's a difficult place to be in. I know that I err on the side of caution in even expressing interest in another person because once I do that I feel like it snowballs out of control where I can NEVER tell what other things they, after that declaration, see as conveying more evidence of interest and then we miscommunicate annnnnnd then everyone is confused.
I would say- unless it is crystal clear don't try too hard in pursuing someone. Also if they show disinterest- just lay off, because I've seen waaaay too many aspie guys that don't know when to call it quits, like if she doesn't contact you after a week- just leave it be. If someone wants to talk to you- they will.
Also, you won't have a harassment lawsuit on your hands, because contrary to what the internet says it's REALLY HARD AND HUMILIATING to even initiate sexual harassment claims and what not.
Although, I will say that I don't think it is very healthy to be afraid of the opposite sex...

Most women, truthfully, don't think about suing for sexual harassment.

The farthest they go, usually, is a definite expression of disinterest/mention of boyfriend.

Most women who are "taken" are ambivalent about men showing interest in them. They might be both irritated and flattered.

Anyway, someone suing for sexual harassment just for talking to them would be laughed out of court.

The issue of unintentionaly coming across as sexual harassment came up in the support groups I attended on several occasions.

My advice bring a wingman if you can, be very careful but not paranoid which can cause the very thing you are trying to avoid.

I don't know why i feel so insulted by the idea of a "wingman," probably because I graduated K-12 and college without an aide or special ed services.

Just talk about normal stuff. Don't talk about wanting to go out with her--until you've spoken to the woman for a while.

If you ask out a person, that's not harassment. If you talk about how beautiful her butt is, it might be harassment.

I accomplished those things also. I still could have used a wingman but the concept did not exist or was barely known back in the late 1970's and 1980's. Plenty of college grads use wingmen these days.

It can be really tough. Sometimes you don't know that you are sexual harassing someone.

I remember that I looked at a woman's badge on her brest for a few seconds. It was a beautiful badge with her name on it. After that I stopped paying attention to the badge, and continued eating and listening to others' conversation. I was not aware of doing anything wrong.

It was a meeting organized by some people on a forum. After a few days I was being discussed and I was told that I have been harassing someone. I can hardly remember. I only know that I was looking at a specific woman's badge. She told me to stop looking at her breasts and unclothing her with my eyes. I don't remember that she said anything to me. She may have been looking to me a few times, looking what I was doing. Or... I wasn't listening, what I have been accused of.

Lately I am reminded to that incident, and then I start to worry again what I did wrong. Men that sexually harassed or are harassing women should be criticized and should be told to stop. No question about that. There is no excuse. If you are harassing someone you have to be corrected. But what is harassing? Apparently looking at a woman's badge with her name on it, is. Are there more supposedly harmless things that we can do, while it is not harmless at all? I sometimes have no clue.

I never flirt... can't tell if the woman is in to me. So, I've learned to just wait for completely obvious (usually them being direct) circumstances.

As an autistic girl, I'm not exactly the expert on flirting, but I can tell you what I'm OK with vs what crosses the line.

OK with:

* comments, compliments and questions unrelated to physical appearance (eg asking if I'm going to university, and if so what I'm studying, or commenting on the writing I'm doing and saying my handwriting is very neat)
* talking about non-sexual interests (NTs may get bored if you talk too much about something they're not interested in, but they won't call it harassment)
* if you end up looking in an inappropriate spot (eg the badge example) comment on whatever non-sexual thing you see there - if some guy tells me that he likes the floral pattern on my shirt, I'll feel a lot less uncomfortable about him looking at my shirt
* asking if I have a boyfriend (not in a professional setting, but in a casual conversation setting)
* asking if I want to go out for a date (only if I said I don't have a boyfriend and didn't say I don't want one)

Not OK with:

* any kind of touching (only touch me after knowing me a long time and getting explicit permission)
* asking for a date after I've either claimed to have a boyfriend or said I'm not interested in a relationship
* trying to persuade me after I've said no to something
* asking for contact information, unless it's for a clearly stated non-sexual purpose
* commenting on my physical appearance, especially sexual aspects of my appearance (the only time this doesn't make me extremely uncomfortable is when I already know the guy is on the spectrum and I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it sexually - most NT women wouldn't be OK with it even in that context)

To me, it often looks like comments on how sexually desirable a woman is can be considered implied as soon as I see her.

I'll probably have to make a conscious effort to avoid accidental eye contact with women. They look more and more like they're seeing an utter pervert.

Merely liking women, even while keeping your distance, seems to be the worst sin in the world if you're not worthy of them.

It can happen. I've seen it. And it does not require being touched or saying sexual things. You can actually be sued for sexual harassment if you are having a private conversation about something, in an office, a person walks by and hears something out of context, and is offended.

Add to that the social cues, volume monitoring, not being able to read if something is uncomfortable and a whole slew of other things, yeah, it is very possible.

Add to that that I found out yesterday that my facial expressions and body language are screwed up and send the wrong nonverbal cues, on top of all my other social issues, well, I feel like a walking disaster waiting to happen.

And in America, at least, this growing need to be politically correct and the ever changing 'rules' make it real hard.

Although it maybe acceptable by some women (I can never figure that out), I think (at least in the Netherlands) that only the first two items are really appropriate. I have lots of conversations like that at my work, both with men as with women. With a less known woman or with a female stranger it is a bit tricky.

If you are a man, don't start a conversation with a woman if:
- if you and the woman are in the train and nobody else;
- if you and the woman are at a railway station (especially when it is dark) and she is waiting for a train.
If a woman starts a conversation with a man in those settings, it is not a problem. She seems to trust him, or his appearance does not scare her. A few times, I and a woman was alone at a station. Then she started talking to me.

The second item about looking at an inappropriate spot: I would advice women not to attach things to body parts where they think men shoudn't look. Why do you wear a name badge there? If you don't want men to look at your brests, don't attach a name badge there. If you can accept that, there is no problem, there is a badge there. If you cannot, attach it elsewhere where men can look.

The last two items I find a bit intrusive. I won't ask a woman whether she wants to go out with me for a date, or whether she has a boyfriend.

The other five points are inappropriate for obvious reason.

Despite of above, I still seems to make mistakes and women are not honest. Are they scared to tell that my behaviour is inappropriate? Or... are they lying and therefore untrustworthy?

I could not say if it is lying or not. Maybe they are just caught off guard because we are just 'different' enough that they can't make anymore sense of us than we can of them. I do know that they are not as blunt as we are.

But, I refuse to believe that an entire population just has it in for us. I just really think they don't know what to make of us for the most part. This, of course excludes the obvious bullying and such.

well from my aspergirl perspective I don't usually assume weird social interactions and awkward flirting mean any harm, and I wouldnt ever report someone for staring at my beautiful name badge (lol! sorry that happened to you hmk66, but that is kinda funny.) op, maybe you would find it less stressful to interact with neurodiverse women? just a thought.

so anyways there are some clear rules you can follow like don't touch, don't stare at her body, don't stare at her face unless you are currently interacting with her, and don't make sexual comments about her as a subject or an object. if you do make some kind of advance and she turns you down (or for safe measure, doesn't explicitly accept the advance) do not try again, because if the advance you made wasn't sexual harassment doing it again could very well be. talk to her about nonsexual things and treat her like an acquaintance or a friend. if you and her are not compatible on a friendly level flirting will not really work out anyways since flirting is such a subtle form of social interaction.

I talk with any kind of women. Neurodiverse, autistic and NT women. The most of those talks are work related.

At work I have even sometimes got the compliments, that I am even good with women. Very social for someone on the autistic spectrum. When I am relaxed I will often smile and makes (typical autistic dry) jokes. So that is hard to relate to sexual harassment. Still, none of my behaviour is taken as sexual harassment. When I find a women hot it is even unnoticeable or she does not get hostile. She is still friendy, whether she already has a boyfriend or is married, or none of these two.


I gerenally never makes advances. That is safer, but it will backfire me. Not because of sexual harassment, but because it will be impossible to get into a relationship. I am not young anymore, although I have still a young appearance. Women that pay attention to me, are way younger than I am. They also think that I am roughly of their age (or of the age they want a potential boyfriend to be). The last noticeable time, was when a 16 years old girl hit on me, while I maybe 47 or 48 at that time. I could be her father! She constantly stared at me, so much, that her friends noticed that.