Question for anyone else in a relationship......

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First of all, I love my girlfriend more than virtually anything, and I already firmly believe she's indeed "the one". Now, one thing to note is that to begin with, SHE went after ME- and I don't question that she loves me more than I love her- I'm not saying I don't love her, but usually in most relationships, one parter loves the other more than the other will. In our case, it's like 45-55, I'm going to go with.

HOWEVER, as we all know with Aspies, we feel very little emotion- bare minimum, really. And I know my girlfriend is madly in love with me- I really wish I understood the level of emotion she feels for me, but due to my AS, well, I have a hard time feeling it. Anyone else, in my position, wishing they could understand the level of intense desire their mate feels for them?

I'm not saying I'd want to get rid of my AS, mind you- I DO want us to be rich and successful, so we can successfully support a family, and I'm sure my AS will be a major contributor to that.

Find out what she needs to feel love and every day remind yourself to give it to her and she should be happy.

good luck

I think you misunderstand....I already do all of that on a daily basis. I told you- I love her more than almost anything.

I'm just saying I, MYSELF, have a hard time understanding the intense level of emotion and desire that SHE feels for ME. And my guess is a lot of it has to do with my AS- considering that I only feel the bare minimum of emotion, overall.

I'm just saying I wish I understand how it is that SHE feels- I KNOW how she feels, but don't UNDERSTAND, as I can't comprehend such level of emotion. Please tell me you get what I'm saying now.

And believe me- I treat her like gold. She's told me that I make her cry tears of happiness.

Perhaps look at the effect you have on her, rather than trying to feel what she feels for you.

It's not that we cannot feel the emotions (I'm sure you know what intense love feels like for you said yourself that she is the "one"), we have trouble feeling the emotions of others; this can lead to us feeling disconnected from others, and also confusion as we try to feel from their position, but we cannot.

As I said, look at the effect your love has, this can be words she says, actions she does, or both, and you'll then understand.

We have problems with the "cause" part from "cause and effect", and we also have problems with relating to others' emotions (troubles with empathy), but we can still figure things out.

I don't think you can "understand" emotion, you either feel something or you don't. Many years ago people used to say I was like Star Trek's Spock. All I do nowadays (happily married for 15 years) is avoid saying anything which can undermine the relationship. I do find it extremely difficult to handle situations where my wife gets emotionally upset about something and I feel nothing.

I think you are asking too much of yourself. I do not think it is possible for anyone to understand the what you appear to desire. Just accept she does have such emotions and desire for you.

I don't understand how my mate feels about me exactly. I can't understand why she would want me, of all people. But she tells me she is insanely crazy about me, and can't imagine being with anyone else.

So I buy her small gifts to surprise her (even though I don't understand how this would make someone happy). I am patient with her when she is pms-ing... Like you say...I do what I do...and she's happy.

I've learned not question why she feels the way she does. I don't ask, and I don't probe. I just accept it. And it works. And we're both happy. Relax...

The why isn't important. Just accept that it is.

I did it, my GF is NT, we are together for more than 10 years now.
I can tell you that some moments were hard, but about 5 years ago when she discovered I was "autist" and I started to read stuff about it, the AS and all, it has helped us a lot, because she now knows I have an empathy/emotion problem and all.

Does she know you have AS?

i would not want to be in a relationship where one person loves the other more or less.

Interesting question and I'm glad you brought it up. After 15 years of being married, my husband still thinks I don't 'truly' love him. He mistakes my need for alone-time and distance as 'indifference' to him. I feel plenty of emotion, but I've always been very bad at showing it. He once thought I was having an affair on him, but it was only me being caught up one of my obsessions (which he still doesn't understand to this day). If I get caught up in crafting a story or working on one of my graphics projects, I'll spend days on end focusing only on that and not on him, and it drives him nuts. He then picks fights with me because he says I'm deliberately ignoring him, which I'm not. I just have other things on my mind that demand more attention. I guess I just am incapable of expressing love and/or other emotions like he expects me to. Yet, when the arguments progress to the point where I tell him that if he doesn't like living with me to file for divorce, he backs down and apologizes. I know he's right - I should show him more attention (I love him dearly and if anything ever happened to him, I'd be dead inside, myself), I just don't know how.

Like you, I've struggled to understand my spouse's point of view (why he requires so much of my attention) and I never could wrap my brain around it. Sometimes, I wish he had AS -- then maybe he'd understand when I need a lot of time alone to focus on my projects, but then again, I'd miss his outgoing personality and his ability to give affection at the drop of a hat. Why he hasn't left me for another woman yet, I have no idea. Sometimes his need for constant attention overwhelms me and I HAVE to be alone or else I'll go insane.

There is probably no way you'll ever understand the depth of your girlfriend's emotions, as part of it is an NT thing and the other part is just a 'woman' thing that men in general don't understand. NT men don't understand what women really want and need, and it's got to be only that much more difficult for a male Aspie.

Rainstorm -

don't wish for your husband to have AS!
My husband is on the spectrum as well, but he's more autistic. He has two loves - guns and cars. He cannot understand my many obsessions, and I am tired of guns and cars!

Plus, we interrupt each other all the time and take turns having one sided conversation

Doctor -

As for your original question, no, I like being the way I am. I prefer having my own world. It must be terrible not having your own world to go away into, and having another person have so much control over the way you feel! I would not ever wish to cry tears of happiness because I am in love! Sometimes other people in love look like pheromone addicted zombie drones to me! Ack!

My husband isn't on the spectrum, but he does have severe ADHD. That's part of the problem. We typically have dual one-sided conversations going on all the time, as well. His mind skips around from topic to topic while mine gradually ranges from one topic to another like a cow grazes. I could be wondering how much a building weighs while he'll talk about how much it cost to build it. Somehow, we always talk, though. And for the most part, we get along just great. He doesn't pay attention to anything long enough to get obsessed with it, though. Therein lies the rub - he doesn't understand how I can focus on one thing with such intensity. Oddly enough, though, he's a math wiz. I'm not. We are as opposite as opposite can get.

TheDoctor82,

You're very lucky to have found someone since a lot of aspie males have difficulty finding "the one". Stick with her.

As far as love is concerned, you'll probably find that it's fairly even but that she SHOWS it more than you do and that, as an NT, she NEEDS company more than you do.

It doesn't mean at all that one loves more than the other - it's just a matter of perspective.

RE: Being rich and successful to have babies. You don't have to be... sometimes it helps but usually it makes no difference.

I don't find I love my partner any more or less than he loves me... I love him from the very depths of my being (how poetic) and I know it's mutual, and he's the one, etc etc. There is no doubt. I do know what you mean though; sometimes I can't quite grasp what he feels so deeply. Occasionally I'll get a glimpse of it and feel it momentarily and I grasp those moments so strongly but they still slip away... I just think we love differently, is all. I don't think it's any more or less, just different. Like most things with us!!

Also, bear in mind that as a relationship matures different hormones come into play - the initial euphoria wears off after a year or so, and gets replaced with the more long-term love hormones. Don't mistake this for the love wearing off or disappearing - it just changes to something that will work far better for you both in the long run. Are you sure this hasn't happened?