support slipping

Post Reply New Topic

I've realized that I feel a strong need for support systems I've worked out to stay in place.

For example, if I request help and someone agrees, I start to feel a bit better; knowing that's taken care of frees up energy.

When I notice, though, that they are not following through, I feel let down, maybe sometimes panick-y. I'm guessing that in the NT world, people just remind each other to death. But it's so bloody hard for me to request help in the first place, I just don't have it in me to go back and prod.

Do NTs operate on the squeaky-wheel basis? So that if on Friday I requested help and on Monday am not screaming about it, I no longer require assistance?



I understand that systems do require maintenance, upkeep, fine-tuning. But come on - I'm not able to take care of myself on a lot of levels, so why on earth do people whose job it is to provide support expect I'd be able to babysit them?

No idea.. but I know it could be a lot worse... I've people who agree to help then start and stop unexpectedly with no reason or notification... it gets too hard or something and they just stop.

That's what I'm talking about. I gave the very mildest example.




(btw - no matter how well it's intended, "it could be worse" doesn't generally come off as empathic, either to ASers or in the NT world. it definitely felt awful fore me to read it here.)

I think a lot of NTs are like that. It's been my experience, anyway.

You could try just checking in with folks, on a regular basis -- just to remind them that you're still around and you still need help. Send 'em an email. Give 'em a call.

Just to say "hi" -- but also to jump-start their memories.

I have this problem as well. It takes me so long to even ask for help to begin with, that when I actually do, I expect others to know how hard it was for me to ask in the first place, and to know that I'm at the point of no return by the time I get to asking, anyway. I have lots of great resources and friends that usually are very helpful. So, if I ask, I've already used all of my resources and I truly need help.

NT people really don't get this concept at all. The idea that you are desperate by the time you ask for help because they ask for help all the time even when they don't really need it. It's frustrating.

Wow, you describe it exactly.

So, is there anything you do/say that does work to convey how bad off you are?

I =don't= have great resources or helpful friends; for too long, I was the "strong" one and people really reacted badly to me beginning to ask for help. The other day this social worker wrote that she would do something for me, but sort of chided me asking what I could do for myself. Hello? Doing so much for myself on my own is what GOT me here, lady. Wish there was a bit more faith that YES, I'm doing footwork for myself. That I really do need help. (That said - I realise these people are constantly faced w/ clients who just want to be carried. But please, please - differentiate a bit!)

I'm lucky and I work for an adult service provider and I have two VERY EXTREMELY FANTASTICALLY WONDERFUL bosses who understand that I have Asperger's and they get it. When I walk into one of their offices flapping my hands, finger ticking like an insane asylum escapee, and crying without being to speak, they know that I've reached the end and that I have no more ideas.

It's taken some time for them to learn these things about me. I explained it to my boss one time. He asked me how to make a situation better. I really had no clue or idea. I told him that he'd sent my brain into lock down. I told him that it was like when his wife asked him what he was thinking, and he wasn't thinking anything, so then he felt compelled to make up something, but couldn't think of anything that she would think was good enough. Same principal. Cuter sufferer.

I've learned to say "I need help" when I'm in full hand flapping/finger ticking/insane crying/no speech mode. Then it's just a matter of getting me calmed down and asking me questions and talking gently to me until I get to the point of being able to tell them what the problem is. It's taken me almost 40 years to get there. Although it's primitive and certainly not pretty, it's effective and gets my point across.

Now, I know that this prolly won't work for you. I'm assuming that you're male....but it's an effective way to communicate for me and I have a very safe environment to be able to do this. I understand how you feel with feeling like you are at the point of "hey, I"m in trouble, cause I did it myself for far too long, and possibly screwed it up because I did do it by myself." Duh.

Thanks for sharing that.

And I'm female. But apparently come off 'male' not gender-wise but in terms of not inspiring any impulse to protect or support. I'm the oldest of a big family, and both parents expected me to fill ersatz-mother functions for =them= as well as for the kids; maybe that has something to do with it.





Yeah ... partly that, and partly that I've just run on empty for so long, others always taking, me not receiving, that I have NO skills for seeking and accepting help and support. And it means I'm burnt-out at a deeper level than would be, if I'd been getting at least SOME kind of support.