Guilt over lack of emotional/social connection

Post Reply New Topic

Do you ever feel guilty about not forming emotional connections? In high school, learning to live without the sorts of emotional connections (and learning to disconnect myself from the constant jockeying for meaningless status symbols) is what helped me to live through the isolation, and it also gave me a kind of freedom from the sorts of gossip and drama that most kids my age apparently couldn't live without. But lately I have been finding that my lack of emotional connection has led to me not being able to support people that I care about...

Wait, thats an oxymoron... okay how to describe this... Its like I care about them on an emotional level inside, but outside in the real world I feel like I have to keep a constant distance between my actions and my emotions and to always operate logically and be able to force myself to see beyond petty human squabbles and movements and trends and emotions (both my own and other people's) and just try to think and act perfectly logically. Does that make sense?

But sometimes, I feel guilt because I feel I cannot let myself get emotionally involved in something a friend feels very passionately about. Or because I am unable to show emotional support to friends who seem to need it (on the off-chance that I happen to recognize that cue from them). And often I wonder if I will be doomed to live my life as this sort of lonely, cold-hearted bastard because the idea of emotionally involving myself with others can seem impossible (partly because I'm afraid of getting hurt, mostly because I just can't remember what its like half the time)

Anyone else ever feel anything like this?

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

I felt guity for years, especially before I was diagnosed. I can't get myself into feeling enthusiastic about many of the things my NT friends think are important and exicting. And I can't comfort them when they feel certain emotions because--to be honest--some of them I just don't get. I don't like the surprises from being emotionally attached and then blindsided, either.

It really stinks, and it can run you down. But only at a certain time, and that time is when you are judging yourself by THEIR rules, the NT rules. If an NT does it, then yeah, he's a coldhearted etc. because he's withholding emotion or being deliberately mean. But if you do it, you're following your inner guide, the devine voice inside you.

Nobody can judge that voice to be wrong, least of all you. It doesn't mean you don't love; it just means you show it in different ways, the ways YOUR voice tells you to.

Almost every NT I know wishes he had the guts to follow his inner voice so faithfully. It's harder for them in some ways, because they can't sort out what's just social habit and what the voice says. One gift Aspies have is a pretty good idea of what the inner voice is telling them.

Yes, I know what you mean. Mostly it is other people trying to make me feel guilty though. Like my friend was getting married, and he wanted me to be in the wedding.
I hadn't returned his call, and a mutual friend said to me "can't you just be excited for him?" This was before I had ever learned of AS and it just didn't make any sense to me at all. I don't usually even get excited for me, how can I get excited for someone else, who lives about a thousand miles away?
I do feel guilty about not keeping up with peoples birthdays and stuff sometimes.
But it just seems like so much to remember, and then to come up with the appropriate thing to do, trying not to show preference to someone and slight another. And trying not feel like a complete phony.

Why on earth would I ever feel guilty about being me? If I care for and about someone it is a cognitive-based caring, not empathy-based. I care about people in a logical and action-based manner, but never emotionally. My emotions are mine and not for display, nor do I want to share or experience the "from-the-heart" emotions of some NT. I find their emotions very painful, even nauseating.

Jim Crawford.

Guilt? What's that? I've never felt guilty about not having connections with people. It gets lonely sometimes, but guilty? Why the hell would you feel guilty about it?

I've never felt guilty about wanting to be by myself. I guess since my mother and grandmother are the same way, it seemed "normal" to me. It was when I became an adult when others started questioning why I always did things by myself. This didn't make me feel ashamed, just puzzled about why people always had to be with others constantly to have a good time.

Slightly worried that I am going to get yelled at this but I though I should be said

I am nothing like that my emotions are very NT well a physio hormonal NT maybe. And I have a friend with AS who is just like what you are saying you are all like. And while a do understand where you people are coming from. Having bean it the situation of not get the emotional support I need I know what being on the other side of the fence is like and it is hard. And if I hade bean a NT I would never have stayed friends with this person but as it was I understood even if it was causing me pain. I am by know means saying feal guilty about it but if you want friends you may have to consider meeting them half way there. Not about every thing but there are some things that will ruin friend ships if you just ignore. I don’t kno about every one elth hear but my friends put up with a lot from me and if something is important to them I feal it is only fair to try just like they do things they don’t want to ect for me.
But it all really depends if you care about them unf to try.

Yeah, sometimes. I used to feel a lot worse about it, but now I can often recognise that it's not my fault and it's not that I don't have feelings, I just react oddly. That helps...

No matter how many times people have asked me why I am so quiet, I have never felt ashamed about it. Frankly I'm glad I am myself and not some by-product of what others naturally expect me to be more like.

I always wondered why I was like this until my AS dx. I can feel emotional on the inside, but I can never seem to be able to convey it externally. I can never reach out give a hug to someone when they need it most, I can never understand someone elses pain, I can never be emotional with someone...

i dont really care either way. if people cant understand who i am and they dont like the way i run the show then its there problem not mine thats been my outlook for quite some time now

Nope. One i figured out that i dont have an inability to form social and emotional connection, i just do so in my own weird way. And infact i find it very intense. As for guilt that i dont form emotional connections like other people do, screw em. I find my uniqueness liberating.