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leiselmum
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04 Feb 2019, 1:09 am

My daughter is 21yr old adult. I need to vent and am quiet peeved and frustrated. Do you even have family members or siblings that dont get your struggle, so dismiss you, like you are cloaked in invisibility. My son was close to his sister until of course he got on with life and got married, had 3 kids. When we visit, my daughter just stands in the room and everything goes on around her, like she's not there.

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :evil: :evil: I am seeing red and think some of the generation of 20 something year olds are so self centred and full of themselves. Its heartbreaking and isolating, to see her lost there in all that going on around her. I raised him better than that, but then his wife makes retardation jokes and I've told her its not nice to do that, and of cause she has done it again since. Its not direct at my daughter but in general, but its offensive. I dont like my son's wife. We were all buttered and sweetened by her, but then we were left to hang dry once I had to put in some no's, I'm sorry I cant mind the children today to take my own daughter to speech therapy, programs etc.

Its not like I was a constant, no I wont help, but my daughter has lots of stuff going on now, that we get disability funding from the govt.

I am fed up with always having to suck up her bitchiness and be the better person. I am telling her happy birthday on messenger with hearts roses and cake and asking to visit, but she is ignoring me. She's not a nice daughter in law.



smudge
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04 Feb 2019, 1:34 am

Her comments, does she say them in front of your daughter? Even if not, I would tell everyone else exactly the things she said to you, but you must remember not to get emotional at all about it. No opinions. Be very factual and straight to the point, then it makes you believable.

You: "Well, she said x and y" *Shrug*, *indifference* "I don't know why or how, I did very important a and b to be nice to her".

Then wait for other people to figure it out themselves (because people like to think they're experts, and make awful self-proclaimed detectives and will automatically assume emotional = unstable and unbelievable, because most people have not got the skills to figure out right from wrong).


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Kraichgauer
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04 Feb 2019, 3:19 pm

Have you talked to your son about getting his wife to stop?


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shortfatbalduglyman
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04 Feb 2019, 6:23 pm

Everyone is "ignorant"

Nobody knows everything



BeaArthur
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04 Feb 2019, 8:10 pm

Kraichgauer wrote:
Have you talked to your son about getting his wife to stop?

Good luck with that ... I can already tell that son is p**** whipped.


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Rustifer
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05 Feb 2019, 12:54 am

But have you heard that the internet makes everyone an expert?



leiselmum
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05 Feb 2019, 4:40 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
Kraichgauer wrote:
Have you talked to your son about getting his wife to stop?

Good luck with that ... I can already tell that son is p**** whipped.



Yep, he is whipped. I knew it from day one. Also the moment he said, she ( wife ) is disappointed in you because you dont help out anymore. From where I am I was helping her as much as I could, but just short of becoming her whipping person. She's not nice. Society has this habit of bagging mother in laws, because frankly there are a few bad ones. NEWSFLASH there are some really bad daughter in laws, too. I know. I happen to be the contrary mother in law. I'm a gentle soul just trying my damndest to help my daughter to live with as much freedom and independence that being an aspie allows before I cark it. POEPLE SUCK.



leiselmum
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05 Feb 2019, 4:46 pm

smudge wrote:
Her comments, does she say them in front of your daughter? Even if not, I would tell everyone else exactly the things she said to you, but you must remember not to get emotional at all about it. No opinions. Be very factual and straight to the point, then it makes you believable.

You: "Well, she said x and y" *Shrug*, *indifference* "I don't know why or how, I did very important a and b to be nice to her".

Then wait for other people to figure it out themselves (because people like to think they're experts, and make awful self-proclaimed detectives and will automatically assume emotional = unstable and unbelievable, because most people have not got the skills to figure out right from wrong).


I really get what your saying, and wish I could pull this off. I am terrible with conflict and wear my heart on my sleeve. My emotions are all out on display. I could either ruin everything and look like a nut or just suck it up and seethe. Because I am this way I want to believe there may be some power in ignoring inappropriate and rude things people say and do. I could be wrong, but I have no choice.



AngelRho
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07 Feb 2019, 6:55 am

Meddling in-laws are a HUGE problem for me. I understand the daughter-in-law seems to be trouble for you snd that the situation hurts you. My advice? Put some distance between yourself, your son, and his family. You can’t be expected to support people who are rude to you and hurtful towards your daughter. Cut them off. No financial or moral support. Maybe take phone calls from your son, but...whatever, just make the point you will not be treated poorly by anyone and that the d-i-l is not to be anywhere near you. They’re not even allowed over to your house UNLESS she cleans up her mouth and her attitude.

I’m not suggesting that you’re a meddler. I’m just saying it’s not in anyone’s best interest for you to become one. The one thing you don’t get a say in is whether to respect your son’s marriage (I said MARRIAGE, not his wife!). Respect the marriage by staying out of it if that’s all you can do. Our in-laws were absolutely wonderful people even if we weren’t always wonderful newlyweds. My wife’s grandmother, though, couldn’t go one day without trying to stick her fingers into our business. She made my wife miserable, and my wife for the longest time would insist on visiting because of how guilty she always made her feel. The day we got married we had the bridesmaids running interference to A) keep her grandmother away from her, B) keep her grandmother away from her dad, and C) keep her grandmother from making the wedding all about HER.

We learned how to manage her grandmother after we got married and it got easier. Crazy thing is after she had a massive stroke, it altered her personality so much she turned into a really sweet person. I could be alone with her and she’d talk to me like an old friend. We were sad when she passed, but happy that in the end we had a positive relationship.

I don’t imagine that you want the kind of relationship with your son or his family that you feel you’re being “managed” by one or both of them. You’re not going to cut them loose because you hate bridezilla. You’re gonna cut them loose because you want what’s best for all—and because you love yourself, also. You have a dependent (legally) adult daughter you have to look after. It’s sad that things have changed over time with your son, but you’ve gone as far as any mother can be reasobably expected to go. Wash your hands of this situation. Be firm in your expectations from this point forward—you WILL be treated better than this or they’ll never hear from you, and they certainly aren’t welcome in your house.

Finally, be open to reconciliation. You’re not going to beg and plead. But the door isn’t closed, either. His wife just has to be nicer to you and your daughter. That’s all.

Think of her as your daughter, too, and from your POV the wife is a sister (gross, I know, but hear me out) to your son just like his real sister. If they were all toddlers together and couldn’t play nice, you’d correct them, right?

Well, they’re all adults now and it’s no different. When kids are grown they still need correction from parents. We just don’t call it correction (spanking, naughty chair, loss of toys/privileges, etc.). We call it “guidance.” They need your advice. They need your support. So the only way to instruct them is not through your presence, but rather your absence. You’re all grown now, you know better than mom. So fine, you do what you want. Whatever you want. I can’t put you in the naughty chair or take away your car keys or cell phone. You’re big enough now that if you think you can handle the consequences of misbehaving, you go right on ahead.

Don’t tell them you’ll clean up their mess. Make them clean up their own mess. Just like if they were kids. DO, however, make yourself available to give cool, level-headed advice when they finally admit to themselves they need you.

That day may never come, of course, so prepare yourself for that. I really don’t see any better way of dealing with this without stepping back and letting things happen. These kinds of problems normally take care of themselves. I’m more concerned with what it’s doing to you and your daughter, though, and you’ll be better off putting some distance between yourself and that situation.



AngelRho
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07 Feb 2019, 7:10 am

BeaArthur wrote:
Kraichgauer wrote:
Have you talked to your son about getting his wife to stop?

Good luck with that ... I can already tell that son is p**** whipped.

Can men ever win? Either we’re whipped or still attached to mom’s bo0bz.

Personally, if it came down to either my wife or my mom, my wife is gonna win by default. Part of what influenced my choice of a wife was how much I felt my gf deserved to win. When I introduced my last gf to my mom, it was like her long-lost daughter had finally come home for the first time. That’s when I knew that being “whipped” or being a momma’s boy, either way, it was a non-issue.

My wife gets along with my mom better than I do. I might as well not even exist when they get together. I’m a little jealous, yes, but it beats the alternative!