Good Resume, Failing the Job Interview (Dating).

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Hi Friends:

OK, this has happened to me three times in a row now in my online dating:

"Good Morning Paul , yes I got your msg's this morning .. I took some time to think about things yesterday and have decided not to persue a relationship .While you are a nice guy , there is something that is missing for me , and that is a spark..." .

All three women had sent the initial messages, chatted with me, talked on the phone with me, happily agreed to meetups... then said similar things at the end of the first date.

I feel like I am failing to radiate some sort of Mojo, or self-confidence or some something in person that would allow women to feel attraction. I don't know...

I live with that one all the time.

Sadly, I can't say I've solved the issue, the "spark" I can generate is much weaker than it should be. To see if you are anything to me, when you are on a date where and how often do you touch them, if at all, how often do you tease them, and... how sexual can you be? Because when I compare myself to my two NT friends who are quite good at dating women, I've noticed they touch other girls early and a lot, tease them a lot both verbally and physically, and give off this certaim vibe that makes women want to hug them and then kiss them and stuff. I'm currently working on these issues, and so far got the verbal teasng part now, but in the other parts... I can only share your pain buddy

Whenever I watch tv, I notice people touch each other a lot. Like placing the hand on a woman's shoulder, holding her hand when she's talking, stuff like that. I am a woman, and that would drive me crazy but I think NT women must like it to some degree. I think it lets them know the man is enjoying her. I do think self-confidence has a lot to do with it. In general, women don't want a passive partner (which isn't the same as extroversion).

Do you ever feel a spark for the women?

"Do you ever feel a spark for the women?"

The first two, not so much, the third one, big time. The third one and I actually agreed to start dating, but she changed her mind a day later. I curse ye, O fickle women!

I think there are ways of, say, touching a woman's shoulder as you help her sit down or touching her arm in conversation, with being confident and engaged, but not obnoxious.

Then there's kind of the zen art of undertrying, and that part's tricky, too.

Maybe it's not so much about you, as you just not being the right one for those women. What's the point in continuing to go out with someone, if there's no attraction. The third one is a bit strange, but maybe she wasn't being totally honest with you or didn't want to upset you, then decided it was for the best. Keep your chin up. No matter who you are, there will be someone who likes you just the way you are.

While I think internet dating can be an attractive option for an aspie and I do understand the advantages, I honestly think that in some ways it's really not the best approach to dating. Who someone is on a screen can be completely different to actually meeting them in real life.

At least if you meet them the traditional way, they already know your "vibe" and quirks. If they're interested in you IRL, at least you know that they accept that side of you already. Also, when dating online, often you know the person better in some ways (in terms of thoughts, feelings, opinions) but you know nothing about how they act IRL, their style of relating to others, how considerate they are, how compatible you are with them when it comes to preferred communication style or how they navigate the world etc. You spend time playing "catch up" on those things, time you could have spent getting to know the thoughts, opinions, feelings, the traditional way so that your knowledge of the person isn't so out of balance.

Most women will probably be put off a little bit if you don't touch them at least a little bit, or at least tease them a little bit. It lets them know you are interested. They can't tell that you are interested unless you show it to them, because they cannot read your mind. If a guy doesn't touch me, I instantly assume he is not at all interested in me (and this is coming from an aspie girl!).

I've often thought how useful it would be to have a friend sit at a table next to you (unbeknownst to your date and unacknowledged by you) and have them listen in.

Touching is quite tricky; got example, when you initially meet, a hug is a good gesture but I wouldn't jump right from that to holding hands.

Over your dates; did you notice any of the following:

1.) Closed off body language (like ancy to leave)

2.) Yes/No Answers. Unless your playing 20 questions, she should be giving more than 1 word answers. The more she shares; the greater the chance she is interested.

3.) Did you dominate the convo?

Truth is it's all a crap shot with dating.

One thing I wonder. Is it possible you are unlike the other guys these girls have dated. I often find that girls who date "bad" boys will sometimes get fed up with it and say they want a nice guy, but then balk once they actually do.

'Interviews' are a tough process, even more so for us, but keep in mind that there are far too many false 'help wanted' signs in the window

"One thing I wonder. Is it possible you are unlike the other guys these girls have dated. I often find that girls who date "bad" boys will sometimes get fed up with it and say they want a nice guy, but then balk once they actually do".

Entirely possible with the last one. After a second date, she said she wanted a "Man's Man".

I am strongly against online dating for the reason you mentioned. The spark is the most important thing, and it must develop quickly or the relationship won't work. It's difficult to do that with online dating.

You need to come out of your shell and find a way to meet women in person. Don't pursue anyone you don't feel instantly attracted to. You need to figure out how to improve your self confidence because every woman I know, myself included, is attracted to confidence above anything else.

This may seem like a weird suggestion but I think you should watch The Bachelorette, especially the first 3 or 4 episodes. I was watching the other day thinking men need to watch that show because it helps you see what clearly works vs. doesn't. For example, the guys who never try to make a move on her get sent home. The ones who do make a move seem to stick around longer, even if they aren't very nice to her. In the current season, the one she seems to like the most is very nice but has been all over her since day one. That's how my husband was when we first met. He had classic nice guy characteristics but the fact that he kept trying to get into my pants from the day we met kept me from tossing him into the "nice guy" pile.

In summary, go out in the world to meet women, approach only women you're attracted to, and portray yourself as a nice guy who has "game".