How does one become interested in/relate to people?

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starkid
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09 Mar 2017, 4:14 pm

I have been bored and restless lately, and I thought it was because I have no social life. But I don't really know how to get a social life beyond posting on forums because I'm not really very interested in people. Even on forums I will sometimes open a thread and then close the tab almost immediately because I'm not even interested enough to read the first sentence or two. I kinda just waste time looking through thread titles.

I have almost zero interest in meeting people in person. I don't know what I'd do with them, but do know that I can't be bothered with small talk and I don't really care about their feelings, hobbies, jobs, or families, and I don't expect anyone to be interested in me or understand half my ideas. Maybe I would start caring as the conversation progressed, but it's difficult to imagine caring from where I am now. The only people I find interesting are small children.

Actually, I'm not sure that I really want to be interested in people. Seems like that could easily lead to negative experiences like loneliness. I just want the boredom and restlessness to stop. I have plenty of stuff to read and study, movies to watch, music to listen to, and I workout and have a job, so I don't know what might be missing from my life other than people.



burnt_orange
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09 Mar 2017, 4:42 pm

Perhaps join a group. Meeting people in person is much more interesting and might hold your attention longer.



AngryAngryAngry
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17 Apr 2017, 8:16 am

I find people rather intollerable.
I do still desire a relationship.
Friendships would be nice, but they are mostly "tiptoeing on eggshells" and drama.
I try to keep friendships limited to hobbies - they way we have something to talk about.
But they often try and get more information out of me, relationship status, religious, go out for drinks etc.
Then if I say I don't talk about religeon or politics, or don't drink, they either think there is no friendship potential or that I am rejecting them. Sometimes, it can work being less friendly - such as they invite me for a drink and I say "I can't", make up a lie - "I have x to do" (not a real lie perhaps, cause I have something to do), infact you can get away with simply saying "I have to be somewhere at 8pm" They don't want to be nosey :)



RandomFox
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14 May 2017, 1:36 pm

I can't say I'm very interested in people, but I like their presence near me, sometimes, and not in too intense forms (too much talking/interacting/wanting me to do something I don't want to do). I'd love to DO things with people more, maybe joining some crafting groups - painting, drawing, that kind of thing - people just concentrate on what they're doing and don't talk much :) After that we could go have a coffee together and then I could vanish until the next time.

I don't think you can get interested more in relating to people - you either want it or not, if you do, sometimes you need specific forms of interaction, while others seem intolerable. Try to figure out what exactly it is you want from people and what is something you'd avoid.

I used to enjoy meditation sessions with people - zero talking, total silence apart from maybe a gong sound, but still - a nice feeling of being physically close to people (not too close), doing something together, some little smiles here and there after the session and no expectation to participate in anything else.

I go to themed meetups sometimes too, which are focused on some interest of mine and it's way easier to talk about that interest than use the usual conversation starters (I'm somehow unable to start those "ordinary" conversations myself anyway, so people start them and I kind of carry on until I'm totally fed up with the topic)



starkid
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15 May 2017, 12:02 pm

I think the problem is that I need intellectual stimulation to bond and know that I'm unlikely to get any from any given person, so I don't feel motivated to bother with socializing despite needing it.



Kinomi
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16 May 2017, 12:37 pm

Quote:
I think the problem is that I need intellectual stimulation to bond and know that I'm unlikely to get any from any given person, so I don't feel motivated to bother with socializing despite needing it.


This is part of my problem. In addition, I have social anxiety, so the costs are high and the potential rewards are minimal. That does little to motivate.

I think an interest in people is innate, or not. As for relating, try to find people with similar interests in topic specific forums, social media groups, and organizations and clubs. The mutual interest can serve as a crutch to help develop a connection, if that's what you'd like.



Silvermantle
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25 May 2017, 3:35 am

Human interaction can be painful, yes, but it is also important, even for us.

Focus on your areas of obsessive interest and your talents. Are you a fan of something in the media? (Game of Thrones anyone?) What are you especially good at? What do you like to do? Search out people who share your interests.

For me to be able to tolerate socializing there must be a specific purpose. Friendship is for helping each other accomplish goals or perform a task. I love board games, so I go to the local game shop and sign up to play in someone's game. After showing up and playing for a bunch of weeks in a row I know some of the other players names and we have amusing conversations while playing. Do I see them outside the game shop? No, but they're there when I want to play a game. Hey, man, that's social interaction. We don't have to like sitting around a dinner table sipping wine to light jazz and talking about nothing. We are different, we don't have to socialize like normos do.

Just do what you like to do, with people who also like that thing. It doesn't have to be more than that. If you meet a jerk, move on to another group. Done.



oddnumberedcat
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02 Aug 2017, 1:28 am

Kinomi wrote:
Quote:
I think the problem is that I need intellectual stimulation to bond and know that I'm unlikely to get any from any given person, so I don't feel motivated to bother with socializing despite needing it.


This is part of my problem. In addition, I have social anxiety, so the costs are high and the potential rewards are minimal. That does little to motivate.


Yep, you captured that pretty well for me.

I like people, and I do need a certain amount of socialization, but the socialization I need isn't much. Casual acquaintanceships work pretty well for me.

It's interesting; I like talking to people at work and am friendly with them. They're a great bunch, and from time to time we'll stay late at work one evening to play video games or shoot the s**t. I enjoy the time I spend with them. But I would never be friendly with them if my job did not exist. This is not a reflection on them at all; I just don't have the motivation to actively seek socialization out, and my anxiety doesn't exactly make doing so more appealing.

One of my biggest hurdles with socializing with non-work people is, what do I do with them? With work friends, you can always fall back on work. With real friends, you actually need to have things in common, and I have things in common with people nowadays, but at a superficial level. I have a handful of very, very, very deep interests, which works great in short spurts, but I don't think they're interested in talking about what I'm into all day, and I'm not terribly interested in doing many things outside of those deep interests I have for an extended period of time.

But anyway, back to the becoming interested in people, I guess the first hurdle is getting to know them (as difficult as that might be). You become more interested in their lives and in spending time with them when you know them. Common interests, as others mention, can help break the ice on this a lot.



Eclipse247
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13 Oct 2017, 10:47 am

Maybe decide what interests you have that you would like to discuss with others and then join up a Meetup group that has the same interests. Don't forget they may not be Aspies so be prepared imo. Don't forget u need the energy to do this and perhaps u don't have it (like me). I mix with NT's and they vamp my energy without guilt or remorse. You don't mention how much energy u have but perhaps the posting on a forum and dealing with responses could tax depleted reserves?



jrjones9933
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13 Oct 2017, 11:01 am

Having someone become interested in me has felt rewarding. You might develop a taste for that, Starkid. You can find people meta-intersting, by thinking about why they say things the way they do. That topic usually catches my interest.


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Benjamin the Donkey
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14 Oct 2017, 1:20 pm

Too me that's a strange question, akin to "how does one become interested in frogs." Either you're interested in them or you're not. If not, leave them alone and pursue an interest you actually have.


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starkid
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14 Oct 2017, 7:33 pm

Benjamin the Donkey wrote:
Too me that's a strange question, akin to "how does one become interested in frogs." Either you're interested in them or you're not. If not, leave them alone and pursue an interest you actually have.


True, but people have no need whatsoever of frogs yet we need other people at least a little.