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Runus
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06 Nov 2011, 2:18 pm

Hello, I am new to this site. I have not been diagnosed with aspergers but suspect that I have It and I wonder if anyone can relate to this...

My husband's mother is in hospital dying from severe dementia. She has had a number of seizures and basically is brain damaged and wont recover. She is in her 80's and has been ill for some time. She is not in any discomfort now.

I am completely unable to relate to how my husband is feeling. I love him very much but find myself literally hiding in the bedroom to avoid his sadness. I have a much more practical approach to death and feel it would be a release for her to die but he is devastated. I expect my parents to die at that age and don't understand him getting this upset.

I find talking about feelings very difficult and don't cope very well with him when he is upset. I know the right things to say but just can't manage to say them.

I feel like such an awful person...



shrox
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06 Nov 2011, 2:23 pm

Can you just silently hug him or sit next to him? I know I would like that.



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06 Nov 2011, 2:36 pm

My mother in law passed out and went to the hospital. I felt nothing for him and I didn't feel worried. All I did was asked if she was okay and if she was going to die and why she passed out. Then that was it.

My mother came out too to visit me and I asked her why wasn't I feeling bad and why wasn't it effecting me and she told me it's because I know everything will be okay so there is no point in being upset about it.

She isn't anywhere near death but I don't think I'd be sad either if my in laws died at an old age and they had dementia or Alzheimer's.

I don't understand either why someone get upset about their parent dying at an old age if they were in that stage. When my grandfather died, I was in shock because I wasn't expecting it but I wasn't sad because he had Alzheimer's and couldn't even care for himself so he was already gone. People were sad he died and cried at his service but they should have been crying while he was still alive because he was gone when he was alive.



Runus
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06 Nov 2011, 2:58 pm

Yes Shrox I should hug him. But I have found it very difficult to hug him as he is very withdrawn and accusing me of not caring (which is true to a degree). But I hate to see him upset even if i dont understand.



shrox
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06 Nov 2011, 3:13 pm

Runus wrote:
Yes Shrox I should hug him. But I have found it very difficult to hug him as he is very withdrawn and accusing me of not caring (which is true to a degree). But I hate to see him upset even if i dont understand.


You don't have to understand, he will.



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06 Nov 2011, 3:23 pm

Runus wrote:
Hello, I am new to this site. I have not been diagnosed with aspergers but suspect that I have It and I wonder if anyone can relate to this...

My husband's mother is in hospital dying from severe dementia. She has had a number of seizures and basically is brain damaged and wont recover. She is in her 80's and has been ill for some time. She is not in any discomfort now.

I am completely unable to relate to how my husband is feeling. I love him very much but find myself literally hiding in the bedroom to avoid his sadness. I have a much more practical approach to death and feel it would be a release for her to die but he is devastated. I expect my parents to die at that age and don't understand him getting this upset.

I find talking about feelings very difficult and don't cope very well with him when he is upset. I know the right things to say but just can't manage to say them.

I feel like such an awful person...



Runus,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. First, please don't feel like an awful person because you are unsure about how to comfort him. Obviously, you are very concerned about his grief because you felt compelled enough to join this site and seek answers . . . .. ..

My suggestion is this - in your own way (and you know best because you know yourself and your husband in real life) - let him know you are there for him. In essence, my advice is this: follow your instincts! A good and wise friend of mine told me once "Intuition is your brain working behind you." - meaning your first instincts are usually right in a lot of cases!

I lost my father when he was only 62 - he died after he had a horrible, unforeseen accident in which he suffered brain stem damage. When one suffers brain stem damage, in essence your brain has died! To boot, this happened during the week of 911 back in 2001. Basically, I was suffering a personal tragedy as well as well as the national one. Suffice it to say, it was uber stressful!

After having gone through this horrible episode in my life, I found out that grief is a very, personal, private matter - meaning people react differently. A lot of people expected me to be very angry because my Dad's death was so pointless. For my own purposes, I coped by facing the vast array of my feelings (anger, depression, grief) head on. I externalized them by acknowledging them, analyzing them and talking about them. Two things that helped me cope were this: (1) I was more concerned about my Mom than myself and (2) I had no guilt because I had a good relationship with my Dad when he was alive. Perhaps, what I am trying to say, rather ineloquently, is what matters is how you treat someone when they are alive - not after they are gone!

I hope you find your path to comforting him! Again, please follow your instincts!



abc123
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07 Nov 2011, 2:12 pm

Comfort him in your own way. You could provide support such as taking on more household tasks so that he has less to worry about or making nice food he enjoys to spoil him.
In some ways you can't do a lot if he is withdrawn as he is choosing to do this and anyone would struggle in this situation. You obviously care as started this thread, maybe you should just tell him that and ask if there is anything you can do to help and say you are there for him.



Runus
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08 Nov 2011, 3:06 pm

Thanks people for your replies. He just can't seem to see that I love him and i'm here him for in my own way. He says my behavior is not normal. But hey I already knew that....



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08 Nov 2011, 5:11 pm

Me, I'd say your behavior is a little smarter than normal. More-- rational and logical. Sensible. Seems to me any caring person would be glad to see someone suffering with advanced dementia set free.

Unfortunately, human beings tend not to be rational, logical, or sensible.

That's why they call it a disorder and a lack of empathy when we are.

They think about what they're losing and, since they have never existed without it and do not know what it will be like to exist without it tend to assume that it will be very difficult, very painful, all but impossible, et cetera.

Losing a parent is hard. Most people have a lot of emotional baggage tied up in their parents. Things unsaid and undone in the worst cases, a lifetime of loving in the best cases.

You're not an awful person. You'd be awful if you were looking at him saying, "I never liked the b***h anyway! Life will be better without her..." Which by the way I've heard several of my supposedly socially well-adjusted relatives utter.

Try not to avoid him. Tell him you don't feel the same about death in general and that's normal for you-- then just listen and tell him you love him and you'll be there. I've discovered that I cannot "fix" others' grief and it's best not to try-- but several people have told me they like to talk to me 'cause they appreciate that I listen.

Go figure.


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08 Nov 2011, 5:21 pm

Runus wrote:
Thanks people for your replies. He just can't seem to see that I love him and i'm here him for in my own way. He says my behavior is not normal. But hey I already knew that....


You are welcome. No doubt he realizes that you love him - chances are he is just letting his immense grief cloud his better judgment. I am sure he will come around. Please keep us posted. Take care!



abc123
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09 Nov 2011, 12:22 pm

It is normal for Aspergers :D
Also when someone is upset they will lash out (metaphorically) and he may say upsetting/angry things towards you as taking it out on you. He probably wouldn't mean it if he wasn't upset.

I woke up the other day and was randomly thinking about this. I thought it is helpful to be quite level headed over funeral arrangements. When my Gran died I went to stay with my Mum and ended up pushing funeral arrangements forward and phoning for quotes on things as she got a bit stuck and wouldn't make decisions. My Mum thought I was insensitive to be asking for quotes as if it was for something like a builder but it is useful to have someone level headed that can do that when someone is struggling with grief it can be very expensive and requires work to organise a funeral.



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09 Nov 2011, 3:05 pm

Sorry to hear it's such a difficult situation. He's hurting and expecting something from you that you can't give. As others have said, just try and keep telling him you do care and do want to support him, but you just express it differently.

You say you know what to say but can't bring yourself to do it - how about writing him a note every now & then? You can express how you are there for him, sorry it's imperfect but it's genuine, i'm rubbish at expressing feelings etc - at least it wouldn't rely on an awkward conversation.

I don't know how someone would react to that though, so only try it if you think it wouldn't make things worse. Imperfect expressions of concern are better than none. In the end, you can't be someone different, so don't think yourself an awful person.



fantomeq
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09 Nov 2011, 4:56 pm

I get confused about things like this too. I think the best thing to do is ask outright at regular intervals if there is something (both practical, like a gift or chore, or emotional like a hug) you can do to help. Also, I think it's socially acceptable to say "I can't imagine what you are going through right now" and to verbally acknowledge that you notice he is upset but are not sure what he would want you to do. I hear a lot of NTs say those things.



Runus
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13 Nov 2011, 6:54 am

abc123 wrote:
It is normal for Aspergers :D
Also when someone is upset they will lash out (metaphorically) and he may say upsetting/angry things towards you as taking it out on you. He probably wouldn't mean it if he wasn't upset.

I woke up the other day and was randomly thinking about this. I thought it is helpful to be quite level headed over funeral arrangements. When my Gran died I went to stay with my Mum and ended up pushing funeral arrangements forward and phoning for quotes on things as she got a bit stuck and wouldn't make decisions. My Mum thought I was insensitive to be asking for quotes as if it was for something like a builder but it is useful to have someone level headed that can do that when someone is struggling with grief it can be very expensive and requires work to organise a funeral.


Oh dear that sounds just like me...
I went to the hospital last night with my husband to see his mum. I have discovered that the best support that i can give him is going to the hospital and sitting with him. But in my usual clumsy way I said to him that its lucky he's not working for the next few day so he will be around when his mother dies ....not the right thing to say apparently I have since learned. Discussing death in a hospital is some kind of awful faux pas. I thought I was just accepting the situation as it was and trying to be helpful.



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13 Nov 2011, 10:43 am

I can relate, OP. Actually, I even had trouble getting in touch with my own grief when my father died at the age of 44. I thought at the time that it was because he'd been in poor health for years and we weren't close, to say the least. It turned out, though, that I had a delayed reaction to it, after I'd had time to process it. Sometimes, when I'm in an overwhelming situation I go into auto-pilot mode as a coping mechanism and there is a lot going on below the surface that I'm not aware of. I would not be too hard on yourself or think you are a bad person. Everyone grieves differently.



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15 Nov 2011, 2:51 pm

That's OK. I really f****d up last night. I told my husband that his dad is dying-- I don't know how fast it will happen or how drawn-out it will be, but he is dying.

This because I came home from picking my oldest up from school to find him stuck on the toilet, lacking the strength to get up, with s**t all the way down his legs and up his back. Took 15 minutes to get him 4 feet from the toilet to his wheelchair. He's so bloated it was like holding on to a water balloon. He could barely get breath enough to talk and was only semi-lucid.

I sent him to the hospital. He's got another bladder infection, retaining all that fluid and still dehydrated, and a horrible infection all over his backside from the fact that he hasn't been able to wipe for 2 weeks but was too proud to say anything to anyone. I finally asked him what was going on when I saw blood streaks on the toilet seat this weekend.

Anyway. DH didn't like that.

Well, if it was my dad, I'd want to know. When it WAS my dad (and when it was my mom), I wanted to know.

You're not horrible. And you're not alone.


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"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"