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HopefulRomantic
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21 Aug 2010, 3:31 pm

Cyberman wrote:
People who make a big deal out of this are incredibly shallow.

All it means is that it's not a high priority for you.



Makes perfect sense!



HopefulRomantic
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21 Aug 2010, 3:36 pm

AspiRob wrote:
autisticstar wrote:
Should I be concerned if a man is over 40 years old and has never had a sexual encounter? I have met and dated some men who are over 40 who said that they have never had sex before. Some of them I suspect are on the autism spectrum. They were socially awkward but not at all bad looking. I sure hope this doesn't mean that they are gay. Is this common for men on the autism spectrum? I don't mean low functioning; I am referring to men with Asperger's Syndrome or High Functioning Autism.


I am a 43yo man who has never been on a date, let alone had any form of relationship with a woman. That I appear "different" from other people is the major cause for this. Whilst I admire the relatively few women in the world who will give an obviously handicapped man a fair chance, such women are few and far between. This is likely the reason your guy us stilll a virgin. This is not to be confused with him not being good enough. Rather it is a matter of most women simply being too shallow and as a result, your guy has missed out. My deepest desire is that one day I will meet a lady who can see beyond the AS and see the real me. It sounds like your guy has found that in you.

Give the guy a chance and you may just find a diamond in the rough.



I hope both of you find what you are looking for. In about a month I am going to meet someone who is late 40's and has never been married. He did not know he was Aspie until he was 31. We live about 900 miles apart so we have not been able to meet yet.

All I know is he appears to be a very nice guy on the phone so I'm willing to give it a shot. You just never know unless you try.



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21 Aug 2010, 4:45 pm

HopefulRomantic wrote:
AspiRob wrote:
autisticstar wrote:
Should I be concerned if a man is over 40 years old and has never had a sexual encounter? I have met and dated some men who are over 40 who said that they have never had sex before. Some of them I suspect are on the autism spectrum. They were socially awkward but not at all bad looking. I sure hope this doesn't mean that they are gay. Is this common for men on the autism spectrum? I don't mean low functioning; I am referring to men with Asperger's Syndrome or High Functioning Autism.


I am a 43yo man who has never been on a date, let alone had any form of relationship with a woman. That I appear "different" from other people is the major cause for this. Whilst I admire the relatively few women in the world who will give an obviously handicapped man a fair chance, such women are few and far between. This is likely the reason your guy us stilll a virgin. This is not to be confused with him not being good enough. Rather it is a matter of most women simply being too shallow and as a result, your guy has missed out. My deepest desire is that one day I will meet a lady who can see beyond the AS and see the real me. It sounds like your guy has found that in you.

Give the guy a chance and you may just find a diamond in the rough.



I hope both of you find what you are looking for. In about a month I am going to meet someone who is late 40's and has never been married. He did not know he was Aspie until he was 31. We live about 900 miles apart so we have not been able to meet yet.

All I know is he appears to be a very nice guy on the phone so I'm willing to give it a shot. You just never know unless you try.


Good luck! :)


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DKS1027
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27 Mar 2014, 8:17 pm

zghost wrote:
Go rent "The 40 Year Old Virgin", it's the worst case senerio type thing. And funny.


Wrong. "The 40 Year Old Virgin" is NOT the worst-case scenario.

I'm 48, and still have yet to see my first successful dating pursuit (even though I have been pursuing it since 1992). Although I've known that I wasn't exactly an Alpha male, I would never have guessed that I would have remained this inexperienced to this age. It seems so insane!

As crazy as it is, there are so many people out there now, who are more sexually inexperienced than I am, while having PARENTS who are younger than I am!

For so many years, I was looking forward to romance, but now I'm concerned that my age may have become a barrier to any romance with women whom I naturally find attractive. I feel like one of the weirdest men on Earth, in terms of sexual experience for age. I could almost title myself as "The little boy who is too old to date a 30-year-old woman". It seems just plain weird. In my mind, I'm still a teenager and I'm not ready to date a grandma.

I didn't think my Asperger's disorder would have f**ked me up this much, but surprise! It apparently has.
I need to do something about this.

Thanks for letting me vent. I needed some place to do it.



Atom1966
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17 Apr 2014, 6:48 pm

I don't think these men should feel ashamed of themselves because they happen to be virgins.

They should hurry up though. After a certain age it's probable too late for them, especially in the case of caucasion men. Unless they decide to take Viagra ofcourse. I do wonder what the long term side effects of these pills are though. That's difficult to tell since they haven't been around for that long. I wouldn't be surprised if they would be another underlying cause of an increase in heart attacks and strokes for instance.



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17 Apr 2014, 11:43 pm

Why would somebody be gay just because they never had sex? That doesn't make any sense.



em_tsuj
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17 Apr 2014, 11:59 pm

Cynic wrote:
You must ask yourself why no one took interest in him at 18, or 21, or 25? Nearly everyone has lost their virginity by the time they hit adulthood, so obviouslly someone who's a virgin at 40 isn't going to be appealing to anyone.


That is not true. If the man is autistic, how is he to know if someone has taken an interest in him? Also, how is he going to respond if someone shows an interest in him? There are steps between meeting someone and having sex. I personally had girlfriends and several opportunities to have sex before I lost my virginity at the age of 21. I basically forced myself to do it because I got tired of waiting for Ms. Right to come along. I regret that decision. Today, at age 30, I might as well be a virgin. I have never had sex on a regular basis. I have only had two sex partners. Women show interest in me all the time. I am not gay, and I am not asexual. I am just not interested in the women who are interested in me, and I am not going to do what I did in the past (pretend to be interested just so I can have sex).

Cynic wrote:

Anyone who hasn't had a partner in their teens can't be very desirable or they would have been taken long before then.


That is not true. You are assuming that lack of a partner is because of lack of interest by the opposite sex. What about a person who rejects everybody because they are too picky? What about a person who doesn't date for other reasons?



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19 Apr 2014, 2:05 pm

em_tsuj wrote:
That is not true. You are assuming that lack of a partner is because of lack of interest by the opposite sex. What about a person who rejects everybody because they are too picky? What about a person who doesn't date for other reasons?

Agreed. Sure I was rejected by girls all the time in school but I am positive that I could have had a number of partners in my early 20s. Bottom line is that *I* didn't want them unless they were potential LTR/Wife material, which obviously few at that age are. That's why I am single and have had only one relationship. Unfortunately, I am also oblivious too which doesn't help because on paper I should have women chasing me but I am also very picky: I am not interested in 'playing the field': never have, never will. I am extremely loyal and trustworthy and demand the same in a relationship.

Having said that, it really gets me upset when cynic says that not because they are wrong but because they are right to a point. I recently spoke with my Ex and she told me that she felt I was 'too good to be true' and 'should not be single at my age' and that's why she was so skeptical of me. I wonder how many women think the same thing especially considering the large quantity of poor quality men on dating sites and don't message back for that reason.



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20 Apr 2014, 2:31 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:

Having said that, it really gets me upset when cynic says that not because they are wrong but because they are right to a point. I recently spoke with my Ex and she told me that she felt I was 'too good to be true' and 'should not be single at my age' and that's why she was so skeptical of me. I wonder how many women think the same thing especially considering the large quantity of poor quality men on dating sites and don't message back for that reason.


I guess reality is in the eye of the beholder. For me, I just assume someone is single because they haven't met the right person. I am old enough now to know that connections are hard to come by. Also, modern life makes it really hard to form long-term relationships for practical reasons (time spent on school/career, the increasing number of single parents). I assume someone who is around our age and no relationship history simply focused on school like I did, no way to form a stable long-term relationship if your life isn't stable yet. Some people put career ahead of romance. Others are late bloomers. I think I am a late bloomer. I am only now where a young teenager would be in regards to sex and dating. If a woman thinks you're too good to be true, that is a statement about her, not you. Who has she been dating?



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20 Apr 2014, 8:07 am

em_tsuj wrote:
Others are late bloomers. I think I am a late bloomer. I am only now where a young teenager would be in regards to sex and dating. If a woman thinks you're too good to be true, that is a statement about her, not you. Who has she been dating?

I am definitely a late bloomer even though I have always been attracted to girls as young as I can remember. My ex has been dating guys who are as immature as she is and all the women I know tell me there are not many quality, mature men out there. I guess I am just genuinely puzzled: what the heck do women want and why can't I get serious attention? I have literally everything they supposedly want (height, fitness, money, stability, loyalty) minus the extensive experience so I can only assume that is the reason.



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20 Apr 2014, 11:22 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
em_tsuj wrote:
Others are late bloomers. I think I am a late bloomer. I am only now where a young teenager would be in regards to sex and dating. If a woman thinks you're too good to be true, that is a statement about her, not you. Who has she been dating?

I am definitely a late bloomer even though I have always been attracted to girls as young as I can remember. My ex has been dating guys who are as immature as she is and all the women I know tell me there are not many quality, mature men out there. I guess I am just genuinely puzzled: what the heck do women want and why can't I get serious attention? I have literally everything they supposedly want (height, fitness, money, stability, loyalty) minus the extensive experience so I can only assume that is the reason.


If you come across weird, that's going to turn them off. A tall strong weird guy with money, especially if he's also kind of intense...understand that women's primary fear, when they date a guy they don't already know, is that he's going to rape or kill them. It's not an unreasonable fear; women get attacked with some frequency. So yeah, we avoid weirdos no matter how much dough they've got. The instant back-aways for me: the fixed smile, the staring too hard, the stiff bearing, inappropriate laughter (including childish giggling).

My ex has really gotten himself into great shape, he's smart, he's got a job, he turns up reliably for our daughter, he's noncustodial and has lots of time to himself, he's not terrible at sex, on paper he's a catch. But everyone who meets him just thinks he's creepy as hell, off somehow. I think he's had one relationship since we've been divorced -- several years, now -- and it only lasted a few months.



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24 Apr 2014, 8:31 pm

I am 44, I have had sex, (of the homosexual variety), but wish I never had sex at all, although sometimes I do get fascinated with the idea of having sex with women, (it comes and goes).

Actually, I think it is rather special that this guy hasn't had sex, and that you should keep him around...(unless he is a jerk), but I wouldn't dismiss someone just because they haven't had sex.



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25 Apr 2014, 7:46 pm

I've heard guys lie and say they are virgins so a girl might see it as a challenge of some sort of "take pity" on them and have sex. I've personally known a couple guys who did that and had a couple guys actually try that on me, but I asked around and found out they were lying. This was when they were 20 something but by now those guys are in their 40s and even early 50s and if a line works, then some guys tend to use it over and over.


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Xayah
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30 Apr 2014, 8:10 am

Excuse the TMI, but I recently took my 34yo AS BF's virginity. I'm a 25 yo AS girl, and here's my 2c.

The fact that he had never had sex wasn't by choice. Wasn't because he's gay, asexual or uninterested. He's just really shy and never had the confidence to pursue women. In face he liked me for two years and was too scared to ask me out until his friends cornered me one day and asked for him!

I'll admit that his inexperience was confronting for me at first, because as the experienced one his friends were making a big deal about how I had to teach him...everything. But in the end I was fine with it. Everyone has to learn sometime, and he's a willing and enthusiastic student. If anything experimenting together makes even closer.

He's more that a sexual gratification tool for me. He's a gentle soul, generous, demonstrative, patient and tries to understand first and judge later. And as a fellow Aspie I feel like our understanding of each other avoids the type of communication confusion that can happen in AS-NT relationships



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07 May 2014, 4:27 pm

Cynic wrote:
Rynok wrote:
If you want experienced, just hire an escort. I don't understand how their sexual experience really matters if your looking for a long-term relationship. Is it possible your the first person that's taken interest in him perhaps?

You must ask yourself why no one took interest in him at 18, or 21, or 25? Nearly everyone has lost their virginity by the time they hit adulthood, so obviouslly someone who's a virgin at 40 isn't going to be appealing to anyone.

Rynok wrote:
Cynic wrote:
Why should they when there are plenty of better choices?

How do you define better choices? You can't only date people that have already been on the dating field.
Humans would go extinct because everyone has to start somewhere, and if no-one was willing to be the "first"...you see my point.

Anyone who hasn't had a partner in their teens can't be very desirable or they would have been taken long before then.


Speaking about myself - there is always the possibility of stuff like sexual abuse having happened.. folded in with being part of that lost generation before Hans Asperger's papers were translated by Lorna Wing in 1985. I was one of the first to be dx'd in the UK in 1987. This after suffering sexual abuse at the hands of girls in 1984-87.

Has a habit of derailing completely for 20-30 years. Especially as the concept of a male victim of female perp wasn't there - and it took till 2004 before that was named...

So if I manage to get all the repair work done...



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07 May 2014, 4:38 pm

Radiofixr wrote:
n4mwd wrote:
Radiofixr wrote:
I am over 40 and a virgin-never had relations and being gay made it doubly difficult-....


Over 25 guys should keep their virginity private. Just let the other person assume you're not.

But the gay comment has me confused. I'm asexual, but if I was gay, I would be doing well. When I was in college I was approached several times by guys that identified themselves as being gay and said that they were attracted to me. Unlike girls, they used English and not secret body language to tell me they were interested. But even now, my facebook friends are about half gay guys and the other half straight female.

Although I can't speak for all gay guys, the ones I have met didn't have any problem approaching me and openly communicating their thoughts. Of course, some asked me not to tell anyone that they were gay and I honored that request. That's why I've said several times here that I wished I was gay.

Well when I was a young teenager coming to terms with sexuality in the early 80's it was something you didnt dare speak about while my peers were pairing up with girls and not knowing at the time about my AS-and not being able to make a connection or friends very easily and I did not have a college experience as you had and I never had gay guys coming up to me trying to get to know me using any kind of language-including english-I chat with a friend from San Diego that says "theres a lid for every pot" and "its whats on the inside that counts"-well there doesnt seem to be a lid for my pot and when a guy wants to get to know you-he doesnt see whats on the inside first-he sees what you look like on the outside-you may have the most wonderful personality but if you arent the type of person the other guy is looking for-you never get approached and being an aspie-I certainly wont be approaching them--and the cycle contines until you just give up and say to yourself why even try-I seem to be getting nowhere and I just cant justify paying for sex just to get it over with-I need more of a possible connection and not just a physical act.,and since no one seems to be interested-thats another dead end. Its kind of like a boss I had-he would tell me-"you cant get another job,I am the only one that can put up with you,you cant go anywhere else no one would hire you" constant put downs-well if you hear it all the time,you start to believe it,and the cycle of isolation continues-you belive what they say and just never try.Remember everybodies life experience is different-even though my aspie mind thinks that everyone thinks like I do-some people are in places and have opportunities some people in other areas don't have-you were lucky to have guys approaching you-I was not.

PS I am a ham also.


My cohort.

AS wasn't widely known about until Lorna Wing translated Hans Asperger's papers in 1985... so the info just wasn't there. KANNER autism wasn't known about in the general public until Rain Man was released in '88...