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AspiRob
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01 Jan 2010, 4:18 pm

Dcline1701 wrote:
Also remember that AS traits are usually not subject to being "fixed."


Very important that. Whilst I appreciate that many women are on - well intentioned - missions to improve their men, "Aspiness" is not fixable. True, you will be able to clue the guy in a litlle better but at the end of the day he will still be an Aspie.


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n4mwd
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23 Jun 2010, 8:56 pm

Heterosexuality, homosexuality and asexuality are all valid sexual orientations. The problem is that asexuality tends to be the loneliest.

As an aspie, I have a problem living with other people, but yet I still dislike being totally alone. In the decade after high school, I watched as I lost all my friends to their respective spouses. I mean, we didn't become enemies or anything like that, but they gradually stopped wanting anything to do with me in favor of their new wife/husband.

One of my friends was not amused when I expressed my disapproval of him marrying a lardbucket. Of all my friends, he was exceptionally good looking and I felt that he deserved way better. I hadn't spoken to him in years, but I did see him about 5 years ago. He was still married to the same lardbucket and their son had joined the army.

One thing that I do find puzzling is that people make assumptions about me and my sex life. I have heard all sorts of things. Even a rumor in school that I had gotten a girl pregnant. None of which is true because I don't have a sex life. But yet people seem to assume that I do and that I'm some kind of pervert or something.

Are other guys having similar trouble?



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25 Jun 2010, 10:00 am

I'd probably view it as grounds for suspicion, I'd wonder why they hadn't ever had sex in all that time, and I'd wonder if there was something very undesirable about them that I hadn't discovered yet, but I'd keep an open mind. A friend of mine didn't find a girlfriend for many years, and when asked why not, he said that he hadn't found anybody worthy of him yet. It's an unusual trait in a man but I found it rather refreshing. I must say that although I looked as if I was "doing better," none of it did me any good. Meanwhile he finally picked one he liked and they're still happily married as far as I know.

Though it's hard for me to see it from a woman's point of view. I've heard that women often like a guy to be sexually experienced but I doubt it would apply to them all.



Element333
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26 Jun 2010, 1:06 am

My youngest brother is like that - 37 and hasn't ever dated anyone, let alone slept with them. My middle brother keeps threatening to rent him a prostitute, but I told him that if he did, I'd kick his butt. My baby brother way too bashful for that. I know he's interested in women, but can't bring himself to talk to them. It's not for lack of "want to," it's a lack of self-confidence and social skills. He'd have to meet a real in-your-face outgoing female to ever have it happen for him. He's very sweet and wouldn't ever hurt anyone (he has AS as well - it runs very strong in our family), so there'd be nothing to be suspicious of. Sometimes people are just very, very shy.

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MoonRa
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28 Jun 2010, 6:26 am

n4mwd wrote:
..
As an aspie, I have a problem living with other people, but yet I still dislike being totally alone. In the decade after high school, I watched as I lost all my friends to their respective spouses. I mean, we didn't become enemies or anything like that, but they gradually stopped wanting anything to do with me in favor of their new wife/husband.
...


Same here. I'm living on my own for years, but would love some company now and then, although not up to an intimate level. I'm sometimes thinking about living together with people where you have a private bed- and hobbies-room, but share a common living room, kitchen etc.



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28 Jun 2010, 6:45 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
I'd probably view it as grounds for suspicion, I'd wonder why they hadn't ever had sex in all that time, and I'd wonder if there was something very undesirable about them that I hadn't discovered yet, but I'd keep an open mind. .......


Yes, one shouldn't tell a potential girlfriend that you'r virgin, just tell them what they want to hear.
That's the problem with most woman, they wonder too much and ask too little;)



DerKodeMeister
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30 Jun 2010, 1:02 am

Cynic wrote:
As women want guys with money, all men will have to pay for sex in one way or another. ;-)


You are a virgin aren't you?


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chessimprov
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30 Jun 2010, 3:24 am

Don't let inexperience get you down at all! Trust and consideration are almost if not totally irreplaceable. Everything is potentially very teachable. Even though some may not know body language not everyone is scared of it. Some of us may just not be able to figure it out initially. But when they do, and if they can get creative, oh boy what a masterpiece.

You'd be missing out on one hell of a treat. He sounds like he'd make straight men gay, so you better hurry up, lol.



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30 Jun 2010, 8:09 am

I am over 40 and a virgin-never had relations and being gay made it doubly difficult-the desire is there but the ability to connect is not there and its very difficult to read people and since I am not some hot,in perfect shape guy-I get looked over-a chat friend of mine keeps telling me there a lid for every pot and its whats on the inside that counts-well guys dont look at your insides when they meet you and their lids are interested in someone else. It is embarassing to say the V word as it can turn people away.



Radiofixr
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30 Jun 2010, 8:56 am

and if I do try to connect-it seems that I am usually not what they are "into" and there goes a connection and then the vicious cycle of isolating myself starts again-why go out there if people basically treat you like you shouldn't have shown up in the first place-the AS definitely makes it difficult.



n4mwd
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30 Jun 2010, 9:46 pm

Radiofixr wrote:
I am over 40 and a virgin-never had relations and being gay made it doubly difficult-....


Over 25 guys should keep their virginity private. Just let the other person assume you're not.

But the gay comment has me confused. I'm asexual, but if I was gay, I would be doing well. When I was in college I was approached several times by guys that identified themselves as being gay and said that they were attracted to me. Unlike girls, they used English and not secret body language to tell me they were interested. But even now, my facebook friends are about half gay guys and the other half straight female.

Although I can't speak for all gay guys, the ones I have met didn't have any problem approaching me and openly communicating their thoughts. Of course, some asked me not to tell anyone that they were gay and I honored that request. That's why I've said several times here that I wished I was gay.



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01 Jul 2010, 5:38 am

MoonRa wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
I'd probably view it as grounds for suspicion, I'd wonder why they hadn't ever had sex in all that time, and I'd wonder if there was something very undesirable about them that I hadn't discovered yet, but I'd keep an open mind. .......


Yes, one shouldn't tell a potential girlfriend that you'r virgin, just tell them what they want to hear.
That's the problem with most woman, they wonder too much and ask too little;)

Could be heading for Catch 22 there........I'm always mindful of hiding stuff that may come back to haunt me if the relationship gets under way. Though I can see how sometimes somebody could be wrongly put off just because of revealing something a bit scary before they knew me well enough to see that it wasn't likely to be a problem. But I think it's wrong to keep people in the dark until they're committed.......I hate discovering skeletons in the cupboards of partners, it makes me feel like I've been cheated.



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01 Jul 2010, 9:39 am

n4mwd wrote:
Radiofixr wrote:
I am over 40 and a virgin-never had relations and being gay made it doubly difficult-....


Over 25 guys should keep their virginity private. Just let the other person assume you're not.

But the gay comment has me confused. I'm asexual, but if I was gay, I would be doing well. When I was in college I was approached several times by guys that identified themselves as being gay and said that they were attracted to me. Unlike girls, they used English and not secret body language to tell me they were interested. But even now, my facebook friends are about half gay guys and the other half straight female.

Although I can't speak for all gay guys, the ones I have met didn't have any problem approaching me and openly communicating their thoughts. Of course, some asked me not to tell anyone that they were gay and I honored that request. That's why I've said several times here that I wished I was gay.

Well when I was a young teenager coming to terms with sexuality in the early 80's it was something you didnt dare speak about while my peers were pairing up with girls and not knowing at the time about my AS-and not being able to make a connection or friends very easily and I did not have a college experience as you had and I never had gay guys coming up to me trying to get to know me using any kind of language-including english-I chat with a friend from San Diego that says "theres a lid for every pot" and "its whats on the inside that counts"-well there doesnt seem to be a lid for my pot and when a guy wants to get to know you-he doesnt see whats on the inside first-he sees what you look like on the outside-you may have the most wonderful personality but if you arent the type of person the other guy is looking for-you never get approached and being an aspie-I certainly wont be approaching them--and the cycle contines until you just give up and say to yourself why even try-I seem to be getting nowhere and I just cant justify paying for sex just to get it over with-I need more of a possible connection and not just a physical act.,and since no one seems to be interested-thats another dead end. Its kind of like a boss I had-he would tell me-"you cant get another job,I am the only one that can put up with you,you cant go anywhere else no one would hire you" constant put downs-well if you hear it all the time,you start to believe it,and the cycle of isolation continues-you belive what they say and just never try.Remember everybodies life experience is different-even though my aspie mind thinks that everyone thinks like I do-some people are in places and have opportunities some people in other areas don't have-you were lucky to have guys approaching you-I was not.

PS I am a ham also.



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01 Jul 2010, 10:09 pm

Radiofixr wrote:
...Remember everybodies life experience is different-even though my aspie mind thinks that everyone thinks like I do-some people are in places and have opportunities some people in other areas don't have-you were lucky to have guys approaching you-I was not.


Its true that everybody's life experience is different. I am pretty sure that those guys that approached me were just after sex and not lovers. That was the impression I got anyway. This was in the pre-aids days of the 80's. Based on your comments, you seem to be looking for long term relationships. In case I haven't said so already, you need to give okcupid.com a chance.

I'm really confused about how guys would want me like that. I admit that I wasn't that bad to look at in those days, but really. I mean, one guy, who I thought was hetero, drugged me, stripped me naked and took pictures of me and him in a sexually compromising pose. I never knew this had happened until someone emailed the photo to me a few years ago. There I was in full glory. I remember the day it happened because it suddenly got dark outside and when I got up, my clothes weren't fitting right. I just didn't think anything about it. The guy who did it had died by the time I found out what happened. I'm not sure what he used, but I was not even aware that I had fallen asleep.

So I don't know if that had any effect on me since I was unconscious when it happened and I didn't find out until much later. I remember being asexual from an early age so I am pretty sure that he didn't affect me that way. Still it does make me feel all weird inside.



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01 Jul 2010, 11:07 pm

That is an awful experience to have gone through, n4mwd!


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n4mwd
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02 Jul 2010, 5:57 am

hartzofspace wrote:
That is an awful experience to have gone through, n4mwd!


I was actually asleep and didn't experience anything at the time. But I was definitely a bit stunned when I saw the picture some 20 years later.

Oddly, it wasn't the last time something like that has happened. A few years ago we had some hurricanes here in south Florida and I had to replace my roof. I couldn't find any available contractors so I did it myself. It was hot up there so I had nothing on but my shoes and very short shorts. On the same level, everything was covered, but from the ground, some guy took a picture of me from underneath at just the right angle. The next thing I know someone is emailing me that photo "Isn't that you?". Since you could easily see my face, it wasn't hard to tell.

I suppose I was just asking for it and should have dressed better, but what I don't understand is why someone would bother to photograph an old guy's bits like that. There were a lot of people working on their roofs back then and most of them were younger and better looking than me.