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Ashuahhe
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06 Apr 2012, 10:02 pm

I'm not sure where this belongs but I thought it might be best to post here. It is concerning my boyfriend, I have been living with him for about 1 and 1/2 years now . I'm considering leaving the relationship (about 4 years and a couple of months now) as well as living by myself. His behavior has gotten out of control, we're talking throwing phones, constantly yelling at me and making me feel very threatened. This is my first relationship and ever since moving in it has gotten worse.

I have been talking to a counselor about this and she has been trying to help me apply for youth allowance. I'm still studying and have no job, I can't go back to my parent's either. I have a place I can go, the place is a older friend's house but she has three kids of her own so I can only stay short term. I have come to realize that this relationship has become an abusive one, I no longer feel like I can love him anymore due to his uncontrolled behavior but I don't have the courage to leave.

I've give everyone an idea of what happens, he is set off by the slightest thing, denies me food, blames me for a lot of his mistakes and makes me feel guilty all the time. Today he ranted at me for getting lunch and so far hasn't talked to me. Yesterday he threw my phone across the room where it smashed into many pieces. I had to put it back together so I could use it again. He refused to drive me to my own 21st party and told me to cancel it. These are the things he does to me.

I've just started my holidays so I'll be at home for a couple of weeks. His mum knows about it and tries to intervene but ends up getting yelled at by boyfriend. My family knows about it but they don't want to help me. My family was the reason why I'd moved in the first place.

It is a very difficult time for me and I need help. I'm posting it here so I can idea of what to do when the time comes, I need to know what to expect from living with other people or living by myself.



cathylynn
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06 Apr 2012, 10:49 pm

have you tried talking to services for abused women? most of them have some sort of housing assistance program.

if you are in college you can take out enough of a student loan to live in the dorm. that's an education in its own right.

it is typical of an abuser to not want you to have friends, so no surprise he had you cancel your party.

i wouldn't tell him you're leaving. just be gone one day when he gets home from work. abusers often escalate their level of abuse around their own abandonment issues. or he may be very sweet to try to suck you back in, only to abuse you again once he feels safe.

don't be afraid to get into another relationship. just be careful. there are warning signs of abuse. i wrote an article about it at hubpages.com. search for cathylynn99 there and then you'll see the title under my list of articles.



cathylynn
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07 Apr 2012, 12:09 am

you might try calling the national domestic violence hotline for ideas: 1-800-799-SAFE.



Chronos
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07 Apr 2012, 1:59 am

The situation you are in is pretty much as bad as it can get. The only way it can get worse is if he physically or sexually assaults you, and I'm sure that is just a matter of time.

You need to go to a woman's shelter or your friend's house without delay. It doesn't matter if you have to put school on hold because the chances of you successfully finishing it in the current living situation you are in are probably very low, whether that be due to stress, your boyfriend eventually not letting you go to school, or worse.

That he is denying you food and getting upset because you ate lunch when he didn't want you to is pretty extreme. Of course his mother isn't going to be of any help because she was likely treated in the same manner by his father and so he thinks it's acceptable to treat women that way.

How will it be living alone? Well you certainly won't have anything flung at you, or be denied food. In fact, when you live alone you are permitted to do just about anything you want, except perhaps for things that disturb the neighbors such as play loud music in the middle of the night.

How will it be living with other people? That depends on the individual people. Your boyfriend, sounds rather hellish to live with and just about any other living situation would be an improvement.



Joker
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07 Apr 2012, 2:02 am

Most men that abuse women have insecure issues they think by using violence or hurting them that the women will stay with them or they do this because they think that they will never be able to do any better so they for some reason abuse the girl they claim to love.



BuyerBeware
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07 Apr 2012, 9:16 am

What Chronos said.

It's bad, and it's going to get worse.

You're exactly the kind of person abusers dream of finding. No family support, very mildly "disabled," apt to put up with a lot more than someone who has an easier time in life.

Get out before you get beat up and raped. It WILL happen.

Even if it doesn't, it will eat away at your self until you think this is your fault, this is the way you have to live, you deserve this, blah-blah-blah.

The hotline is a good one.

Here's a site with lists of resources that might be local or able to help.

http://webofdeception.com/nationalbatte ... anizations

If you can't do anything else, go to a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Tell them what's going on.

If you're desperate, call 911. If you're lucky, you'll get a cop that can hook you up with services.

It's not going to be easy making it on your own, but it's possible. You will struggle and hurt, but you'll learn a lot. It's only going to get worse staying where you are, and the things you will learn will make your life worse, not better.

GO. Get a couple changes of clothes, your phone and any money you have, your vital information-- birth certificate, ID, Social Security card, all that stuff-- and GO. NOW.

Not tomorrow, not next week, not when you are ready. RIGHT THE f**k NOW.


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BuyerBeware
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07 Apr 2012, 4:53 pm

I forgot to add-- a lot of women's clinics (obstetricians and gynecologists and such) keep cards for places that can help you in their offices or restrooms. You might go there and ask.

Last thought-- GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET PREGNANT. Because then your life just got a lot harder if you do manage to get away...

...and, if you care for the child at all (and chances are you will), he has a massive weapon he can use to control you.

Because you, like me, have a diagnosis. It could very well go hard with you in family court. Believe me, he will not hesitate to use that against you-- even to say you're the one to blame for the abuse, that your terrible condition drove him to it, and to use the threat of calling you an unfit parent to keep you chained to him by your love for a child-- and, legally, it's held water before. GET OUT NOW, BEFORE THAT BECOMES A FACTOR.


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Lockheart
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17 Apr 2012, 8:10 am

Ashuahhe,

As others have said, if you haven't already done so it's vital for you to leave this guy. Things will escalate if you don't. No matter what he says, he doesn't care for you and he certainly doesn't love you. In short, he's not worthy of you. Leave while he's not there and have someone with you who can help you get your important stuff together and make sure you get out the door.

Please let us know how it goes/went.



Guybrush_Threepwood
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17 Apr 2012, 12:18 pm

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you take the advice of others here. When you move out it is a good idea to take your belongings when he is not home. Regardless of whether this is possible or not, have somebody with you. The police may attend when the situation is explained to them as they have a duty of care in domestic disputes, if you feel it is necessary. Worst case, leave your stuff with him and start anew. If he is present and if you collect you gear, do not engage him verbally unless absolutely necessary. Do not feel sorry for him when he pleads for you to stay as cowards often do. He is not your responsibility. You may have feelings for him still, and that is understandable, but you must place you safety and well-being before his selfish wants.

All my best for getting through this troubled time, and I hope you provide an update when you are safe and able.


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18 Apr 2012, 11:15 pm

What everyone else said. RUN. Seriously. You're away for a couple of weeks, just don't go back. Get someone else to pick up your stuff, or see if women's services can arrange for a police escort. There are so many red flags in what you described, it's a classic scenario. People have been killed in situations that have started off just like this. Don't wait for anything to happen. If you need to, make use of women's shelters. There are supports in place to deal with exactly the kind of questions and worries you're having (like not having anywhere to go).