Houston, we have had a problem.

Post Reply New Topic

Ok, more chronicles as I work things out in my head here.
This is just how things are framed in my head, not generalizations.

Seems there is this push/pull to the male/female dynamic.
The yin and the yang apply to everything.

A man's mind is towards the outside.
He is concerned with threats and and what he needs to posses.
He is concerned with solid things and their exact properties.
He demands.
He seeds.
He collects.
He supports.

A woman's mind is towards the inside.
She is concerned with her body and her health, and if she has something inside to grow and give to the world.
She works with abstract ideas and intuition.
She "finesses".
She receives.
She gives.
She gathers.

It like I'm sorting out my mind to find which parts are male and female.

I'm finding that I am not one "stuck" in the body of the other.
Or one of them with improper parts.

We are all both.
Just for whatever reason, some of us are more aware of the two being each aware of each other inside. Our internal man & woman. Each of us.

Sometimes they get all mixed up and you can't tell who is who inside yourself.
They are arguing, but you don't know who is saying what because they are BOTH you, the one.

I have a little bit of a road to actually distinguish the two and heal their pains.

Whatever the outcome, they both need to be at peace.

But I am soooooo intimidated by this transition. It just looks sooooooooo freaking hard.
The cosmetic part is a breeze.

Most of the work is emotional, mental and spiritual.
Each of those need to be sorted into their m/f counterparts.
And all three levels need to be in harmony.

Once that happens the physical world parts will fall into place.

Our society is masculine dominated, only concerned with the surface physical properties.
They see gender as parts.

But the parts are just the wrapping paper.

What I'm really doing is renovating my soul on the inside.

After that, it will shine through no matter how I look.

Then if I want I can put some pretty paper with a cute bow on it

Amy isn't going anywhere.
It fits too well.

Amy means "beloved"
Peter means "rock"

Put the two together.

You have our home, the "beloved rock"

That's just too cool.

The voice.

Mine is so deep.

And I want a female one so bad, it must feel so good to feel a voice like that coming out of ones mouth.

I just don't know if it's possible, sigh.

I really hope they come up with a new procedure soon.
That's a big piece of the medical part still needed to be developed.

That and full or even partial skeletal restructuring, hips, shoulders, hands & feet, which is likely still very far off.

Voicebox reconstruction could lead to the skeletal stuff tough.
It wouldn't be brute force cosmetic surgery though. It would have to be some kind of stem cell, 3D printed frame kind of thing. High tech stuff. But some day I think possible. Maybe 50 years or so.

The stem cell stuff could even convert glands and build any assortment of organs and we could even get full gene therapy some day.

But not likely in this generation.

Best I can hope for is maybe an improvement in voicebox stuff. That would be very nice.
Even alone, to hear my male voice throws me off.
It always had since it changed. I frequently am nagged how my voice doesn't sound like my own to me.
I can't even stand to hear a recording of myself.
Though actually, I sound deeper to myself.

The depth of my voice pulls me to aggression.
I get a desire to use it with force. And lash out and command.

It looks like I am going to completely re-frame my mind to be able to raise my voice to a more feminine tone.
That's the only thing controlling it.

That's going to be hard!! !

How do people do it??? It doesn't seem possible.
I have no conscious control over the pitch of my voice.

And I don't think there a person on earth who can sing worse.
I NEVER sing, NEVER.
I have NEVER felt the need to sing.
I can not even understand lyrics in songs most of the time.
I could hear a song a 1000 times and never know the words.
I can't even repeat a person verbatim or do any accents.

I really have no control over my voice whatsoever.

It's really something I am not sure it is even possible for me.
ugh.

anyone? any encouraging stories?
I'm not confident about my voice at all.

I don't want to have to whisper all the time.

Hi Amy,

It takes me a while to process things, and you said a lot (keep it up, please! It's good for you!), so I'll just focus on one tiny aspect right now.

The voice.

For a year or two, most of the time people recognized me as I identified, when I wanted them to...right up to the point where I opened my mouth. At that point, they'd be confused or brusk and start using male pronouns & titles. For me it was a dark time. I seriously didn't know how I could live that way. For the most part I stopped talking much, even to myself because my own male voice was triggering (long history, I'll tell it sometime). In a way, that was good; part of my problem was that my verbal interactions were very male. To protect myself, I learned early to speak louder, act as though I expected people to listen and assumed they would, and the inflections I used were almost violent sounding. I had to unlearn those assertive trappings of male privilege.

Note that none of this has to do with the pitch.

Eventually, I raised the pitch just a little into a range that was much less stressful to my ears to hear, but my voice began 'passing' before that. It's the patterns that matter. And much as it bothers me very much to say this, to fit in you have to internalize the message that most girls and women are taught in our culture: That their opinions, their words, their views don't matter as much as those of men. For me that happened as part of being ashamed of my voice, for it marked me & outed me as trans. As I lost confidence, people perceived me more as a woman. The social implications are obvious and probably best left for a different conversation; as trans people unless we identify as a blend/mix/null/transgender/between, we don't get to choose that fight.

Again, it's not the pitch. It's the way you talk that matters most. Even if your pitch is never great, it's the speech patterns, the blurring or blending of word edges, the diminishing of hard consonants, even the facial and pronunciation mannerisms and other little changes while speaking that matter far more.

Sounds like despite the roller coaster ride, you are doing okay now? It's obvious you have a wonderful, caring family. And that you know already how to hang on. Keep hanging on.

Thanks, good things to keep in mind.

I was just thinking about my voice on a more spiritual level.

The throat chakra governs expression, mostly the voice.
The throat chakra is a blend of the heart & mind chakras.
So, I need to align the two for a more female voice as a baseline for training.

My heart is a female one. It is scared to come out.
My mind is trapped in male mode, It was female as a child. Puberty changed that. Over the years society imprinted lies.
My male mind is refusing to relinquish the controls, it is addicted to the power of knowledge. It is a highly aggressive seeking of knowledge, like a pinpoint lazer. Pete's just having a blast with that thing. Forgot how to have fun. Thinks he's a computer. Needs to prove he's smarter than everyone. Is running a hazardous risk of blowing out all the circuits! The body can't keep up. It's showing signs of neglect and abuse.

Currently, a female heart is the only thing keeping this creature alive.
looks like I'm going to have to flip the 2nd chakra. the physical gender chakra.
That will align with the heart to feminize the body more. Right now it's neutral.
It will also stop the flow of male hormones to the brain, making the 3rd eye more female.

I'm taking a body/mind/soul approach to this.

I asked god for a favor at a critical time.
I have to do what god guides me to do.

Wow, I really had no idea ther'd be so much internal work.
But if you want to do this the right way, the path of light, then you have to consider ALL levels of existence.

being a transsexual is a special gift spiritual path of lessons from god,
very difficult, but worth the reward when you cover all the bases.
This process will cleanse my soul.

This certainly isn't a quick trip to the doctor for a shot.
The physical parts are less than 1% of the deal.

I'm only in my first baby steps. I hope this gets easier as it goes.
Transition is worse than a minefield for an autistic.

Everything sets me off.
That's why I'm so happy for all of "Wrong Planet"
I know there are so many here who can understand the autistic onslaught of a life episode.
It can be fatal, autism can spike really high sometimes, going beyond meltdown to total shutdown and suicide. I read a lot of stories here.
But I've had 45 years to learn how to buffer that onslaught.
Some disabled people live in a chair, I live in a box.
There are days I simply can not go outside. Sound, light, heat, cold, wind, people.
I navigate the entire world "by feel", avoiding all places that aggravate my senses.
I have persistent back pain, I really need to see a doc about that.
And digestive trouble.
I need to learn more about nutrition.
I'm utilitarian about food, I could easily switch to a better diet if I can find a good healthy formula.
Eating & cooking and cleaning up simply take too much time away from everything else.
I really don't understand peoples fascination with stuffing their face with anything.

It's just gas for a vehicle.
The less time filling the tank and the longer between fills, the better.

"Foodies"......pfft!.... you can have 'em.

....
ps: and I'll identify as tran. I'm going to lie to anyone if they ask. I'm not going to broadcast it though.
I just hope to blend in sufficiently. But I won't be subservient. I'll just have to take the high road when guys act like dominating jerks. Not be mean. But not back down either. I have too much inside info, I could just go Professor X on the jerk and spin his brain out. I need to be careful. I am really good at finding someones "magic button".
I need to stop but I like to toy with brains. It's not nice to tease the children. By children, I mean all the unawakened regular folks out there. Easy, ignorant targets. Another reason I need to shut down my male. He can be a real jerk when he wants to, get's himself into too much trouble with his smart mouth. He's aggressive with it.

I haven't had fun.
I haven't played.
I haven't laughed.
I haven't giggled or tee-hee'd.
I never gush.
I'm afraid to nurture.
If I love I will lose myself.
I haven't been pretty or cute.

In god knows how long.

I don't even know what "happy" is.
elated, overjoyed, what are those?

I just live in a prison of thought.
I forgot how to properly feel.

I am unfamiliar with these things called emotions.

I'm tired I don't want to do anything anymore. My batteries are dead. Just running on reserves now.
But there is so much work to do before I rest.

Only my love for Amy keeps me going.
I am going through fire for you Amy.

Your Rock, Pete.
I will always remain as your anchor my beloved.
As I bear my soul to the world.

Being autistic I have that notorious "pit bull" brain.

Simply "coming out of the closet" was not enough.

Everyone asks themselves , why?, How?
What in earth IS going on?

We all know admitting one is transsexual will make one question reality itself.
Our societal messages create a cognitive dissonance in the mind of a tran.
Mismatching dna inside, incompatible hormones, an unusual 23rd pair.
The neurons get wired one way, but the information coming in from the outside conflict.

A persistent nagging inside that something just is not right.
Try to communicate this to others and nobody seems to understand.
So the secrecy begins.
But the question remains.
throughout life, breadcrumbs seem highlighted. pick them up study them, store them for later reference.
As time builds the secrecy gets deeper, heavier, darker, eventually too heavy to hold.
But if you reveal it, or quit all together, the question does not get answered. So it grows denser and denser.
More breadcrumbs are gathered and analyzed. The stockpile of data becomes a burden, seemingly impossible to process. Energy reserves get low as the gorging of information continues uninhibited.
Background compilation reveals more methods of accessing data branching the roots deep into timespace finding every related event connected to the question.
Autism dictates that the question MUST be answered.
Even if that means becoming a black hole and imploding into a singularity with the combined weight of the growing secret and the massive library of information related.
A perfect storm of conditions allow one to safely compress and process.
data absorption has tapered off now.
Things begin to fester as processing strains the life support.
Then out of nowhere, a kiss from an angel.
An inspiration.
The question has been answered!
But the answer is too massive to comprehend.
Panic sets in.
A desperate attempt to preserve what life force remains based on a convenient excuse, and a fun lifestyle.
Looks good enough. That will preserve the vessel until it wears out.
So the unimaginable burden of secrecy is vented.

But the question is STILL there .

A wildfire begins, raging like no other. Illuminating resentments and fears in the deepest crevasses.
And beautiful vistas like one has never seen before. Utterly fascinating!
The hunger of the autistic information black hole of knowledge is given a new life and resumes where it left off, feeding on the brilliant truths revealed by honesty, the sweetest fruit of all!! !

Lies to others may have ended, but now with the deepest lies to ones self are revealed, even deeper than the so called "big" lie that "came out".

Inevitably, a lie triggering extreme dissonance on every level results in system reset.
A ping to the central core server is sent.
no options at all. system failure. dead in the water. no current.

Suddenly an image. A central one.
One that resolves paradox.
One that gives peace.
One that is loved.

Source verified.

The answer.

From there, the future is unknown.
All you know it is bigger than it used to be.
And there are things in it more wonderful and more terrible than imagination itself.
All you have is a link, to the core. The core of everything.

Look deep inside your heart. It drives the pulse.

Transformation is a process.
yes, I'm using a different word. this one makes more sense to me somehow.

And what do Identify as?

myself.

Who needs labels?
Words are just the wrapping paper.
The real truth is inside.


I'm digging deep into myself now on a source commanded mission to cleanse my soul of all fear and pain and whatever else is holding me back from being my true self.

Gender is simply another dimension of the universe.

I am not here to debate petty, literal physical universe rationalizations for how people behave.
I'm not here for the pretty wrapping paper and the party.
I'm not here to dance with another, spawning new universes with each interaction.

I am just here to be myself, create and heal.
All I ever wanted was to love life, that's all.

I'll leave the theater to the actors.

I feel like someone on a walk who spies a small bird, just about to take flight for the first time...

Dear OP, I'm so glad you had the courage to take these brave steps to change your life for the better. I wish you all the best on your journey.

I haven't had a chance to read all your posts here as I have to leave for work soon, but will later.

Well, a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, to use a cliche, but it's true.

I'm so glad you have a supportive mother and family.

You're going to be OK. A long hard road has many glorious vistas to make it all worthwhile.

In my quest for answers, I have taken a more spiritual path.

Personally, I have realized that I am really two in one body.
Both want center stage, so I have to go into spiritual "couples counseling"

Not to mention , for me, nothing against any of you, but I just am not comfortable with the current medial procedures.
The technology isn't perfected yet, at least not for me. But I have real problems talking to any doctor.

My female side demands that my male side take care of his **$$^%$.
My male side just wants to run and hide from a world he sees as cruel.

I have a lot of inside work to do.

Maybe it's also because I have met trans who both regret and not regret their decision, made me REALLY push the issue inside myself.

It's been a very hard month for me, digging into some of my deepest emotional issues, I've come close to "the edge" a few times recently.

Managing my autism is primary for me. Until I can find peace with that I can't make a sound decision on any body stuff.

My advice to anyone thinking about gender change surgery, THINK HARD FIRST. Dig into the deepest part of your spirit and challenge your inner fears. It won't be easy, but those are the things that will always haunt you. There is no running from fear.

For me, I've never given myself a chance to live much of a life as any gender, I have been isolated most of my life, avoiding sensory overload. Even in a female body, I know I'll keep hiding from the world.

For now, Amy & I will just dance in private. We have a lot of healing to do between each other.
Anyway, she has great taste in clothes

At least I can be open about that part of me, even if I don't do anything medical.

I wish you all the best.
It's sometimes absolute torture out there for us autistics.

And is totally terrified at the number of choices in the big world.
And remembers all the times they fell out of the nest trying to fly too soon.

This summer I saw a young seagull flying for the first time. going in circles, calling out loudly, couldn't find a thermal.
The parents we're gliding around nearby, keeping an eye on the situation.

It was a beautiful sight.

I've been hiding in the nest my whole life. I don't even know who Pete is, let alone Amy.
Flying is really scary the first time.

That was me, seven years ago. 39 & terrified. So far it has been a journey of finding out that very little of my safe, stable, understandable little world was actually real. So much of what held me in place was expectations, rules and constructs that existed for the pleasure of others. So much of what I *thought* was me had very little to do with the person I've discovered.

Yes, we fall. And get back up again. And take longer and longer hops as our flight muscles get stronger.

Someday, you will soar.

I'm waiting for much higher tech options, I'm a perfectionist.
I think some day it will be done without a single incision.

I just plain do not trust what we call "modern medicine".
I'm not going to debate why. But It's primitive science, centuries old.
I have no faith in it. not just that, quite a bit of a medical phobia like I said.

Not even the science behind our approach to autism.
My different sensory system is a gift from god, not to be medicated or suppressed.
I just need to learn how to cope with the overloads right, there is useful information in there.

But now I know the benefits of being honest with myself.

You are quite lucky, then. But not all that unusual for trans people. Take all of the aspects or attributes of a person that can be measured on a,

female <-- blend/null --> male

spectrum, and each one will chart out somewhere on that line. Some tend highly to group together, but that's not absolute. I envy those who know their identity is not that which was assigned at birth and who must live as they identify, yet have little or no body dysphoria. At least, not enough to *have* to do something about it. Same for those who don't have a mismatched endocrine system and so can avoid hrt and still regulate serotonin adequately (&/or not need the secondary sex characteristics changes).

Sounds like you are ready to begin finding and celebrating who you are, whoever that may be...and that is beautiful.