Being trans is going to kill me.

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My gender dysphoria has been out of control lately. I made a deal with myself two years ago that if I didn't get at least some of my trans surgeries done within two years I'd kill myself. So when I hit the two year mark my brain exploded with negative thoughts and suicidal thoughts. I repressed a good portion of my gender dysphoia with that deal to myself, basically told myself I can handle with being made fun of and being laughed at the for the next two years because it'll eventually end. Sometimes I think it's just in my head that people are mocking me, but just two weeks ago I was with a friend and he pointed out that people where laughing at me and I live in a really conservative area and being autistic probably isn't helping me not get made fun of. I'm thirty, isn't bullying suppose to end by now?

Basically any cis woman, especially mothers with children are extremely triggering for me for awhile now. I literally can't leave my home without my gender dysphoria being triggered to the point of suicidal thoughts. I've been depressed and impulsively suicidal for weeks, now I'm just completely numb inside and non-impulsive suicidal. I'm never going to have the life I want even if I get off disability so why even put the effort out. I'm never going to be a mother. I've always wanted to be a mother, the thought of being a parent and raising my own family is what got me as far as I've come. I can't even put into words how much I want children and a family. It's the most important thing to me, I've wanted a baby ever since I was little. But I'm trans, I can't have kids and who is going to allow an autistic trans woman on disability to adopt a child?

When I went from depressed to numb my sex drive went back to sex-addiction mode. While I was depressed my sex drive was actually low for once which was a relief. I want sex right now multiple times a day which is pretty normal for me because of being raped so much as a child my brain is wired to be hyper sexual. Problem is my boyfriend only wants sex twice a week, which is causing conflict between us. Even better is because I'm numb I'm having an damn near impossible time with orgasming so I'm in a constant state of torture. I'm used to orgasming multiple times. I feel really weird during sex now. I get close to orgasming, but it's just out of reach taunting me and it's driving me nuts. But I still crave sex to the point of being impulsive. At this rate I'm going to just do hookups to get the sex I need and put myself at risk of STDs and getting used. Most people willing to be with me sexually just view me as a fetish object that they can use so they can “try-out” a “tranny”. I'm not a human being with emotions, I'm just some sex toy for men to use. If I do hookup with someone and I don't like them I'll probably still sleep with them and feel like I'm getting raped the entire time because I freeze up around men and go mostly non-verbal and have a hard time saying no to men due to past trauma. Add to that I like heavy BDSM play means I'm literally putting my life at risk when I hookup with people and the thought that I might die doing it is making me want to do it all the more right now.

It would just be easier if I just end it now, I'm never truly going to be happy. I'm tired of fighting it. I've been suicidal since I was four, the thoughts never truly go away. Eventually I'm just going to do it anyways. It's a contestant battle with myself to even feel happiness and I didn't even know what happiness felt like until a year ago do to my gender dysphoria and PTSD being so serve my whole life. It's almost worse now that I can actually feel happiness, I know what I missed out on now. I didn't get a childhood. I was basically friendless most of my childhood and my parents emotionally abandoned me, my father even raped and beat me between the ages of four and eight and my mom is crazy from out of control bi-polar. My siblings weren't much emotional support growing up either. My siblings have their own problems now with how messed up my parents are. Now I have no family, basically none of my blood relatives are being supportive of me being trans and they never were supportive of my disabilities either, I'm alone now. I guess I have a boyfriend, but he's more just a F. buddy than anything so I don't expect emotional support from him. I have friends now, I have a bunch of friends now. I went from none to a bunch two years ago. I should feel less alone because of that, I've even made really close friends because of the aspie social group I run. But it seems like everyone I feel safe reaching out to right now is also suffering from negative emotions for one reason or another and I don't want to add to it.

The worse part is my suicidal thoughts are non-impulsive right now, with no depression, which means I have the energy to do it and my brain thinks it's a really good idea to do it and keeps coming up with plans. I just know my life really freaking sucks and if I want it not to I'm going to have to do a bunch of work to make it happen and it's just easier to end it. Any plans I make to improve my life will only work if I get the medical care I need for being trans, but with Trump as president I'm not even sure I'll be able to get the care I need. If I don't get my care I will kill myself. The worse part is that all my paperwork to start the process for surgeries are just now being submitted. I really should go to the psyc ward right now, but if I do that my trans care will be put on hold or the insurance can use that as an excuse to deny care and that will just make me worse off and probably for sure dead. So basically if I don't kill myself soon I get to wait to see if I am going to kill myself later or not based on if I actually get medical care based on someone's decision if I “truly need” the care. So my life is in a strangers hand. And the last time I was in the psyc ward they were abusive to me so I really don't want to go back there. The messed up part is that I think the fear of ending up in the psyc ward if I fail a suicidal attempt is helping me not even attempt it for fear of torture if I fail.

Even if the stars align and I'm able to get my life were I want it, it's going to take at least five years to get to that point. Which means I'm going to have to suffer though life for another half-a-decade before I'm even in a better place. Why even go through that suffering? Why not just end it and make it easier? I'm never going to have the life I want because I'm trans anyways, I'm never going to have the children I want.

You sound like you are in an unbelievable amount of pain from being dealt an incredibly sh***y hand in life, and for that I am really, really sorry. No one should have to go what you've gone through. Your story is really sad

My heart breaks hearing about the level of abuse and trauma you have endured, to feeling like everyone is judging you every time you step foot out your door for simply being who you are, to your feelings of being trapt, hopelessness and wanting to end your life.

While I don't know what it is like to suffer the abuse you've gone through, I can relate to your feelings of hopelessness, chronic thoughts of suicide, depression, being trapt in a cycle of suffering with no clear end in sight, and coming to terms with the fact that you are going to be able to fullfill your goals you had for your life.

I won't tell you not to kill yourself or that life gets better because it would be hypocritical of me to tell you something I don't believe myself. All I can say is I hope you don't and that you would stick around to keep on fighting, would be sad if you did choose to go, but understand either way. Sometimes when I am feeling low, simply having someone understand what I am going through and feeling is more helpful than someone telling me that everything is going to work out and be alright, and I hope that my post helps you in that way, feel understood and cared about.