Embarrassed About Sexuality

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Closeted gay here. I've been considering how I act, and it seems to me that I am totally embarrassed about being gay. I wonder why that is. Straight people aren't embarrassed about their sexuality. So maybe I've internalized all the bad stuff I've heard over my lifetime. So how does one undo that, and start feeling good about one's sexuality? Is it just brute determination to bust out of the closet, or is there a series of baby steps that I could embark upon?

Hmm - warning - I rant. But only out of a desire t be helpful.
If I were you, I'd probably start by clarification. I find often that if I am confused, if I don't understand, that in itself can be the problem. As soon as I can be clear, and understand completely, even if something is negative it's no longer a problem, because I can begin to comprehend and act.
So - why are you embarrassed about being gay, acting gay, or being perceived as gay? Why are you in that awful closet at all?
Internalized homophobia is definitely a thing. It exists, it's out there. Many people in "coming out" (even to themselves) have had to deal with this first. Embarrassment is often about shame. Have you been taught that being gay is shameful? If you're a man, have you been taught that gay men are less of a man? Did someone teach you it was disgusting, or amoral or even sinful? Who taught you this? What were their real motivations in doing so? Do you even believe these things, or are you just taking on the attitudes you have been taught, and those around you? If a good friend told you he was gay, would you feel embarrassed for him, or about his sexuality? Embarrassed to be associated with him? See him as less of a man, or as a sinful or disgusting man?
Examining your own attitudes may help clear things up, about where you stand right now, what you've got to work with in future.
To undo that, I believe is just a question of gently re-writing your programming, and being mindful of your internal conditions. So you're embarrassed. You work out why that is, what has contributed to that embarrassment, what the real basis of it is and why. You find out if you agree, or not.
I would also suggest associating with some others who are very comfortable about their sexuality, online or out there in the world, and learn why they are so comfortable and without shame and happy with their sexuality. What makes them feel that way? How do they live this positive regard? How do they avoid feeling embarrassed and shameful? What do they do when they encounter situations that challenge their sexuality? Can you engage with them in some queer-positive expressive ways, like meetups, clubs, queer film festivals, dating sites, pride events? Can you talk to others, as a homosexual person, and not have to hide that? How would you act if you were "out" as gay? How would that be different to how you act now? Would it make a difference to you if you were around a culture where being openly gay was accepted? Do you want to be a part of gay culture, and if so, how?
The sort of advice they give transgender people may be not directly, but adjacently, relevant to your idea of baby steps. They often tell transfolk to start out with something non-threatening, not a big deal and not public if you're not comfortable, but just something that eases you a bit further towards where you want to be - for example, they may suggest a transwoman start wearing women's lingerie under her clothes, even if they have to be men's clothes for the time being. No one else would know, but she would, and would start getting an idea about what it feels like to live as a woman. A reorienting of the mind.
A similar process could be undertaken by someone wanting to accept their gay sexuality, and perhaps, letting that influence their identify and lifestyle. As I noted above, making some queer-positive, gay or otherwise queer friends may be a first step, and just being around / communicating or corresponding with people who think it's perfectly fine for you to be as gay as you want. Even doing that here counts.
Self-identifying as gay and maybe getting that out there - maybe on dating sites, where you can specify you're gay ad just looking for friendship, may be a subtle step into accepting this about yourself. You're not jumping into bed, you're just getting used to the idea.
I do think it takes time, self-examination, and a certain level of bravery to really dig down into these things, take a look at yourself and your conditioning, and then act on that. Step out with it. I do believe it also takes kindness. Being gentle with yourself and gently challenging, in order to push yourself out of a box that may never have been of your making to begin with.
Straight people aren't ashamed of their sexuality because it's "normal." If you're autistic, you're already outside the norm, and as noted elsewhere here, there is a high percentage of autistics who are also all over the LGBT+ scene in some way. It has had negativity heaped on it for centuries. It was criminalized, marginalized by Christianity as sinful and amoral, associated with AIDS, promiscuity and adultery, and in later times, used to undermine the masculinity or femininity of gay people, denying their gender identity. There's plenty out there externally to make you ashamed of yourself.
That's why gay pride stuff is awesome, philosophically at least. Because we're at a time when these ideas are outdated. When you don't have to be embarrassed about being gay. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with it, and you don't have to repress this about yourself. You can get there, to being a happy, comfortable, "out" fabulous homosexual if that's what you want.

"So - why are you embarrassed about being gay, acting gay, or being perceived as gay? Why are you in that awful closet at all?"

Because there would be conflict with the people closest to me. I feel defenseless in a verbal conflict, and I just want for it to be over. Socializing alone is hard enough, but trying to find a secure place in a society that doesn't generally accept the way I am is too hard., with the other things that I have to contend with i.e. I feel that my time is not my own; obligations and that.

"You find out if you agree, or not."

I'm afraid that I do agree to a certain extent. My experience with being gay has led me to believe that I'm into guy as much for his approval, as for sex with him. Yet, I don't even know how to express that, and I am not a good communicator in person, and it has always ended up just being sex for sex sake. I'm a diagnosed aspie, with all of the social oddities that come with that label.

And in my experience sexual satisfaction is short lived, so I became a sexual butterfly, serially trying to form a successful relationship and failing. Then, thirty years ago, I found someone who met my need for acceptance and approval in spades. I fell in romantic love with her. We have a wonderful fulfilling relationship, yet, there is comparatively little sexual satisfaction for me in it. She knows I'm gay, but I still hide it from her because it is embarrassing. She knows I look at porn and we have even looked at porn together, but I still hide when I look at porn because I'm embarrassed by it. I hesitate to be my total sexual self with her, because I love her and I don't want to make her feel bad by saying I long for sex with someone of my own gender. The one I love, and those I'm sexually attracted to are of different genders.

"I would also suggest associating with some others who are very comfortable about their sexuality,"

That is something I would like to work on. And I do try to fit into online groups, but often I am not well received. I assume that's because of the messed up Asperger's sociability, which people often fail to understand. So I'm uncomfortable around everyone, and just want to exit social situations as quickly as possible. There is no gratification in it for me, because I am not myself i social situations. So I feel that my Avatar does the socializing and not the real person I am.

"They often tell transfolk to start out with something non-threatening,"

Yeah...I've got that covered. It's easy for me, so long as I don't feel that I am risking conflict with anyone.


"There is nothing whatsoever wrong with it, and you don't have to repress this about yourself. You can get there, to being a happy, comfortable, "out" fabulous homosexual if that's what you want."

But if I try that, I might mess up the most unique, nourishing, and important relationship I have ever had in my life. But, at least, if I could somehow be more open with the one I'm with, and be brave enough to share my sexual feelings,without worrying about hurting her feelings, then I think that I would feel a lot better. But 1) embarrassed and 2) concerned about hurting the one I love. I'm convinced that I can't have it both ways, but I just want to be able to be my honest self without feeling it's all wrong.